Teacher And Cop Slapping Each Other


A special message from Gloria Allred

The Crying Game

Gloria Allred is best known for suing the Boyscouts of America in a sex discrimination case. She also breifly worked for Octomom, but was fired quit because Octomom was too crazy. IN this case she wants to remind the public that Tiger is being selfish in apologizing to his wife, family, and friends; instead of realizing that this is all about her client.

This raises an interesting question: Why apologize? Tiger didn’t kill anyone. Tiger is apologizing because he’s not just a man, he’s a brand. That means he’s everyone’s business. So his privacy has been sacrificed in exchange for millions of dollars and the perks that go with them. Some where along the way that Faustian deal got a little confining; about the time the devil wanted his due. Fame is one of the worst tragedies that can befall mortal man.


A special message from Tila Tequila

Take that jealous haters!


A special message from Tiger Woods


Tiger Woods’
mea culpa was similar to Gary Coleman’s (“There is no domestic violence in my house”) – except without the profanities. I guess that every celebrity mea culpa can’t contain explosive footage (Speaking of explosive footage, I hear that Gary Coleman is up for a supporting part in the next, and inevitable Lethal Weapon!). He did sum up the essence of Buddhism very well.

they’re playin’ our song again!

BTW Gary Coleman is not to be confused with Gary Cole. Gary Coleman played Arnold on Different Strokes. He was known for the catch phrase “What’chu talkin’ bout”. Gary Cole played Sheriff Lucas Buck on American Gothic – with Fast & Furious star Lucas Black. Cole was also the voice of Kim Possible’s father.

Gary Cole from American Gothic was also the voice of Kim possible's father


A special message from Henry "Fonzie" Winkler


A special message from Gary Coleman

Warning: Explosive Footage!

Now a special message from conspiracy theorist Alex Jones!

You too can have that quiet confidence which comes from knowing your underpants are packed with explosives!

Even now our enemies are busily at work perfecting the bra bomb – an idea they got from an old episode of The Simpsons. Damn you Nerdlinger, and your rowdy friends at Chugalug House!

Image shamelessly stolen borrowed from lassooftruth.


Tiger Woods spin control

Tiger Woods is holding a news conference tomorrow @ 11 AM EST. He is expected to say that he’s sorry and wants another chance while pussy footing around the nitty gritty. Since it’s 10:43 PM EST now, that gives Tiger about 12 hours to come up with a good story. What can he possibly say? Well here’s Dr. Winkler from Georgetown University with some expert & free advice.

Just look into your heart and whatever it tells you, say the exact opposite!

Some other tips: don’t say that your explanation depends on what the word “is” is, Don’t call anyone “sugartits”, and don’t end your mea culpa with the word “suckers”. Swear that you had safe sex with the umpteen women you’ve screwed, and say something in favour of alternative lifestyles. That one has helped Lady Gaga enormously! Also ignore both expert advice and free advice, unless it comes from a complete crank. Then it might be worth a second look. Bottom line this has happened before and it will happen again. Life goes on.

BTW if everything else fails then astonish your audience with amazing sound effects! It should distract them from the issue at hand, they way that guy in Police Academy distracted attention from the awful script and lame gags.


Brooke Mueller Sheen hiding out in rehab

So I guess that means she’s gonna miss the Winter Olympics. A shame too, since she was having a grand time partying up in Aspen while poor Charlie was answering question for the police. Now it’s Brooke’s turn to answer some questions, but she feels more like rehab than talking!