Oh Baby

orlando bloom apologizes for pregnant wife Miranda Kerr's bitchinessLooks like the world is finding out why Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr have suddenly finally decided to tie the knot. The pair took entertainment media by surprise when they announced their nuptials recently. Now it’s not like they weren’t already settled into a comfortable long term relationship. They pair had been in no particular hurry for years.

US Weekly is reporting that Bloom & Kerr are in the family way. That means that Kerr is knocked up! Plus Bloom has been doing some explaining on behalf of his new bride lately. The pair are vacationing/honeymooning in Anguilla. While there Kerr has had an uncharacteristic attack of bitchiness. Bloom kept apologizing on her behalf and explaining that she was preggers.

Make room for daddy, but mother knows best

Speaking of babies and sudden weddings the Palin-Johnston nuptials might be off. Bristol Palin had announced her reunion with and engagement to her baby daddy Levi Johnston. She made that announcement through the media since if her mom found out first she’d have a fit. Understandable, since Sister Sarah seems to have the idea that Levi Johnston, or Ricky Hollywood as she calls him, is shiftless irresponsible scum.

Levitol – jagged little pill

Presenting mom with a done deal would give her less to complain about, although a lot more to accept. Besides, it also gives Bristol & Levi (I tried making one of those cute couple combination names for them but it kept coming out Levitol – which sounds like an anti depressant. Maybe it’s okay to go on calling them Jethro & Juliet.) a chance to prove Sarah wrong about the shiftless stuff by parlaying their marriage into a reality TV deal.

Romeo is bleeding

AS it turns out Bristol the Pistol might’ve been better off listening to her mother. Seems that Ricky Hollywood is about to become a daddy again. Now if the announcement were about Bristol it would make sense of the engagement. However it seems that the lucky lady recipient of a shot of Levi’s love is a former girlfriend (So Sarah’s heart can start beating again!). According to Pulitzer Prize Nominated the National Enquirer (they nominated themselves for their work on the John Edwards story, but the committee accepted the nomination – so get over it) Levi got back in the sack with another old girlfriend – Lanesia Garcia – while he and Bristol were on hiatus.

If Levi ever changes, it’ll be into Homer Simpson

Naturally Bristol is upset. Reports have he ‘freaking out’ and considering calling off the wedding, maybe even the reality TV series! It has to be a slap in the face after her public build up of Levi. In interviews she described him as a changed man who occasionally changes a diaper without being asked (he wants that TV deal bad!), and who is even studying for his GED’s!

deal’s off – pending DNA results!

However there may be some hope for Romeo & Juliet. The woman now at the center of America’s latest teen scandal, Ms. Garcia, claims that she’s not exactly sure who the father might be. It’s probably Levi, but she’s gonna have a paternity test to be sure.

Ironic? Maybe, but also predictable.

Meanwhile that has a despondent Bristol sitting around clutching a Kleenex box and listing to Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill over and over on continuous replay, while Todd runs his chain saw to drown out the noise. Sarah merely struts around looking smug!

BTW the drama in this situation is heightened by the fact that Ms Garcia and Bristol were child hood best friends. They came to a falling out over – who else? – Levi. Lanesia was originally dating Levi when Bristol began sneaking around with him behind her friend’s back. Lanesia is reported as saying “there’s no way I believed Bristol would do this to me. When I confronted her she admitted it and said she thought that Levi was the one“. The girls haven’t spoken since. Lanesia also described Sarah as being like a second mom to her, but goes on to say that the former Alaskan Governor hasn’t spoken to her since, and that maybe those pit bull in lip stick depictions of Sarah Barracuda might be right!

the best of the rest

Incidentally word has it that Bristol is already lining up reality TV replacements for Levi. She’s assembled a short list of douche bags & scum buckets, but one name jumps out from the rest! The best part is that he’s already highly experienced as a father and a reality TV veteran!

 as brsitol palin contemplates dumping levi johsnton again, the way is now open for jon gosslein to make his move!

Hang in there, Sarah!


paparazzi vs celebs – release the hounds

We’ve heard a lot from Mel Gibson lately; mostly drunkenly screaming vulgarities at ex Oksana Grigorieva via the series of illegal audio recordings she made. Now that everyone in the world knows Mel has a temper, it might be interesting to note that Grigrorieva has one too, especially when concerned by your friendly neighborhood paparazzi. Let’s take a look at the following little video exchange between Oxie and some members of the press:

Now what did she think was gonna happen when she unleashed the shit on Mel? Scandal is a sword that cuts both ways. At least they didn’t ask her how many times she blew Mel – which means that they’re being relatively polite, for now!

Perhaps Oxie assumed that the media would focus on Mel and leave her alone. That would be a naive assumption on the part of a woman who’s had more balls in the hoop than an NBA basket! Now that the feeding frenzy has started Oxie might do well to remember that the paparazzi will be her ever present companions for a while – until this thing eventually blows over. They’ll be following her everywhere, shooting her on the can through telephoto lens, going through her trash for leads, you name it. She’ll never be alone because she will be surrounded by free lance spies working under their own agenda!

Of course Paris Hilton might’ve have clued her in on this. Ever since that sex tape came out, ruining Hilton’s Big Fat Greek Wedding and turning her into the most infamous woman on Earth, she hasn’t had a moment’s peace or a minute to herself. On her recent vacation for instance Paris got photographed in yet another questionable situation, and has had some explaining to do. Her drawers were up this time, although it might have been better for her if they weren’t – cause she’s skating on the dangerous thin edge of celebrity racism. Let’s have a look.

Yes that’s our Paris wearing a communist type hat and giving – apparently – a Hiel Hitler style salute. Now Paris can explain her outrageous behavior. For one thing she claims she wasn’t giving a Nazi salute. She was scratching her nose while dancing. While it’s easy to believe that Hilton’s nose gets the itches – she must do a ton of blow – it’s hard to believe that she can do 2 things at once; like walk and chew gum. So many find her explanation a little dubious. BTW Hilton has gone on to point out that she herself has Jewish blood, & so can’t be really anti Semitic, only a thoughtless asshole.

Speaking of stories that take on a life of their own Angelina Jolie has courted controversy as a means to free PR for years. Back during Girl Interrupted she seemed to figure out hat insane paid of, so she started riding the crazy train with a vengeance. She couldn’t circulate enough stories about her weird ways, like her blood fetish, her heroine addiction, and her interest in hard core sadomasochism.

People have speculated about her BSMD life for years – was she on top or on bottom. Well it’s kind of a rule in the life style that the stronger you are in real life, the more submissive your are in the bedroom. It’s a ‘power transference’ thing. Jolie’s bad ass personae made it likely that she was the one wearing the ball gag in her relationships. Well now there is some proof of that.

According to Jolie’s unofficial biographer – Andrew Morton – there are some scandalous pictures out here of Ms Jolie wearing a dog collar. So that answers the question about whether her orientation os towards dominance or submission. There’s also some video of her smacked out on heroin for about 18 hours.

Now most of this stuff isn’t news. Everybody knows that Jolie likes her smack. There have been other videos of Jolie drugged out and rambling. As for the bondage stuff, well there’s a ton of photomanips out there on the Internet for anyone who has a need to see Jolie bound, gagged, and squirming for as much wiggle room as she can get.

angelina jolie gagged and bound
No one is immune either. Not even George Clooney. Now no one guards their privacy more than George. He’s even moved off continent and over to Italy just to get out of paparazzi range. Seemed like a good plan except when you’re famous you can run but can’t hide.

Scandal has found George by was of Italy – ironically – and his hot Italian girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis. Canalis is basically famous for being the latest in a series of cocktail waitress types that George likes to hang out with and occasionally get into motor cycle accidents with. However Senora Canalis’ public image is beginning to develop a life of it’s own!

Seems that a couple of years back and long before Lizzie dreamed she’d ever go steady with a A Lister she got herself in some dicey situations. This came to light recently when some Italian night clubs got busted for running a coke & whores ring. The scam involved getting VIPs in and then tanking them up on booze and cocaine. Once the better judgment centers in their brains were shut down, the gals made their sex sales pitch.

One of the chicks busted was an aspiring Paris model named Karima, and she says that Elisabetta was a good friend of hers and that they used to do blow together at the sex clubs. Karima doesn’t say that Lizzie rented out her twat space by the hour to wealthy types, but hat can easily be inferred. So now Georgie’s got to got out and find himself a less embarrassing slut. You know how fast these things can get out of hand – Mel & Oksana – and don’t think that’s not crossing Clooney’s worried mind right now!

So remember, if you have an unholy lust for attention and the perks that go with it, there’s also a major downside. You lose control of your private life and lose touch with your personal space. It’s effectively losing your soul. There’s no off switch for fame either. So before you embark on such a reckless course, make sure that your underwear is clean!


She’s a LIttle Bit Country!

Multi talented, or at least multi tasking!

Some entertainers are multi talented: Milla Jovovich, Kris Kristofferson, Frank Sinatra, etc, excelled as actors singers songwriters. Now Gwyneth Paltrow seems determined to join their ranks. Not only has she revived her acting career with Ironman (way to go Pepper Potts!), but she has a persistently active, if not thriving web site called GOOP (her stab at being Martha Stewart – it’s theme seems to be that though you can never aspire to be Gwyneth you could improve yourself considerable with a little effort & her guidance. Some one oughta remind Paltrow that they locked the real Martha up for being that annoying, & for obstruction of justice.), she’s released a cook book, she’s maintained a marriage to rocker Chris Coldplay Martin (maintaining a marriage is a significant achievement among celebs, though it should be said that Chris and Gwynnie don’t spend much time together. When asked why she and her husband aren’t even seen on the same plane together Paltrow replied that it was for the kids – in case anyting happened to the flight.), and now she’s released a country western song!

Putting the “can” in Canter

You heard right! Paltorw’s gone country. What could’ve gotten into her? She doesn’t seem the type. A born and bread New Yorker who was too snotty for Manhattan and so had to leave it for London, Paltrow’s hard to picture at the local cowboy bar belting out the Jennie C Reilly while the wet T Shirt mud wrestling goes on behind. Still Gwynnie has a new role as a country singer – Kelly Canter – in an upcoming non Ironman movie called Country Strong.

what the fuck?

She’s got some heavy caliber help in this project too. For instance Tim McGraw is her co star (McGraw is married to Faith Hill who fucked up at the CMA’s when she lost out to Carrie Underwood and got videoed mouth “What the fuck?!” straight into the camera. After that she had to go away for a while and hasn’t found her way back yet!). Vince Gill and Patty Griffin smooth things out by doing back up.

maybe she caught crazy off of Joaquin Phoenix

As for the flick Country Strong is something you’ve probably seen before. Paltrow/Canter is a washed up country singer looking for redemption but who’ll settle for a comeback. So what possessed her to take on the role? Country based flicks have done well lately. Joaqiun Phoenix’s Walk The Line was his second greatest performance (his greatest being playing crazy – I hope that he brings that role back soon!). Then Jeff Bridges won an Oscar for his portrayal of a boozy down on his luck country crooner. Now in Follywood if something works, be it collagen lips, impulse adoptions, environmentalism, or kabballah – everyone wants in on the act! So maybe Gwynnie figures that she’s found her own shot at come back redemption and even another Oscar nom. It was either that or playing transgendered twins!


Milla Jovovich Wants to Suck You In!

What’s the difference between Umbrella Corp. & British Petroleum? Well Umbrella Corp is a lot better at cleaning things up. Plus Umbrella Corp has to deal with Ass Kicking Alice, while BP merely gets an off the cuff one liner put down from Ms. Jovovich during her recent Comic Con appearance.

Milla has more on her mind than the state of the Gulf of Mexico though. She is also very excited about taking Resident Evil into the 3rd dimension! According to MiJo the 3DRE will bring you into the action, & she can’t wait to suck you in!

big bang theory

Isn’t it amazing how big Comic Con is getting. Once the studios released that it was a great venue to promote films by letting geeks interact with movie stars, people who had never read a comic in their lives were showing up and hanging out! It might be the revenge of the nerds, or it might just be hip to be square!


A List Plan B

Salty Bear & Sugartits

I had planned to do something about Mel Gibson this morning, maybe referring to those rumours concerning his career. I had planned to write about his plans to resurrect his destroyed career by reuniting with Oksana for a Sonny & Cher type TV variety show. The show would feature Mel, along with Sugartits, and feature the same kind of friendly banter and teasing that S&C were known for, but with that edgy quality we’ve come to expect from M&O via their infamous recorded telephone conversations. You know the kind of stuff:

Mel: “After being seen in public with you – I’ve got no fucking problem doing a movie with a sock puppet beaver!”

Oksana: “Don’t be crazy darling, no one will ever watch you in a movie! That’s the crazy talking, you need you meds!

Mel: “What?” WHAT!? I need to fucking kill you! You fucking cock sucking whore! But first you should get down on your fucking knees in front of this live studio audience – thanks for coming out today by the way. Oksana, I, and especially little Lucia, really appreciate the support. You should get down on your fucking knees and blow me!”

Oksana: “Could you please scream louder Mel? Our special guest the Kings of Leon can’t hear you, plus this crummy tape recorder you bought me isn’t picking up!”

Mel: “Crummy tape recorder? CRUMMY TAPE RECORDER?! Do you know how much the fucking piece of shit tape recorder cost? We’ve got perfectly good recorders right here in this studio! Kings of Leon? How’d you get them? They’ll give us some real credibility!”

Oksana: “Well you know I am a musician, whether you want to believe it or not!”

Mel: “Don’t push my buttons honey ’cause I’ll knock you out right in front of this damn audience – thanks again for coming out – you know I will!”

M&O: “Good night everybody and watch our show again next week when our special guest will be Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger!”

Oksana: “I guess that means Joaquin Phoenix canceled.”

Mel: “Shut the fuck up and say good night like you’ve got some class!”

Fool’s Gold

Instead I thought I’d go with another story about another Hollywood A Lister on the verge of oblivion. That would be Angelina Jolie. The verge of oblivion would be this weeks Box Office Returns. Much touted Salt earned about 31 million dollars. That’s not bad for an opening night. Except that Inception, that bizarre film by Chris Nolan starring Leo DiCaprio in another film without Kate Winslett (I assume that’s why they had to write his character’s wife as dead, and why he couldn’t make it with Ariadne! Gotta preserve that whole Titanic love story thing forever – just give the guy some breathing space. Remember what Love Story did to poor old Ryan O Neal!), the one where no one can quite figure out WTF is going on, came in number one. It earned about 45 – 49 million. That’s after a 30% drop in ticket sales from it’s opening last week. In other words Jolie’s box office performance stank worse than Tom Cruise’s in Valkyrie. Relatively speaking, this is the equivalent of Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body!

In Hollywood, on the A List, No 2 really isn’t good enough. Especially when you’re a member of Hollywood Holy Family, routinely get front row center at the Oscars or whatever other awards show is going, and are surrounded by a maelstrom of hype that you’ll eventually have to justify. Remember that Jolie hasn’t had real BO success since her Tomb Raider days. Everything after that has been lackluster -except for her tabloid appearances!

So that means Jolie might need to look at Plan B. She could get pregnant yet again. That would be good for 9 months of speculation: Is it Brad’s? Was it artificially conceived? Is it a ploy to keep Brad from going back to Jennifer Aniston? Where outside the USA is she gonna drop it or is she gonna give birth in New Orleans this time to make a political statement? Then she could make an enormous deal with People for the first baby pics. Say $20 million, her usual fee for baby pics and more than she’s accustomed to getting for her film work! You know – more of the same.

She could also do that script she’s been offered. it’s the one where she plays a serial killer who kidnaps a slutty high school cheer leader played by Megan Fox. After Stockholm Syndrome kicks in Megan decides that Angelina is her one chance at freedom from the stifling social restrains she lives with, and so becomes her apprentice. The pair then go on a Thelma & Louise rampage of seduction and destruction together, often competing to see who’s vagina can cause more damage. The idea is a promising one too, except that I hear producers have soured on Jolie, and are offering the project to Meryl Streep,with Anne Hathaway as a runaway bride, rather than cheerleader. Jolie is no longer even second in line for that one, since producers are lining up Betty White in the event that Streep passes on the deal! That would leave Milla Jovovich next up after Hathaway!

Remember to keep reading wondertrash. Though we like to think we’re the blog that can blow your mind, like an IED in your head; we’re more like the National Enquirer meets Mad Magazine! When you’re not reading celebrity gossip, remember to go out this summer and have a ball!


Dog Days for Megan Fox

Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin conspire to destroy American television!

Looks like good news bad news depending on how you feel about Mel Gibson and reality TV. An unofficial, and there fore unscientific, online poll hosted by news site Zimbio has 74% of persons poled claiming that they would see another Mel Gibson movie. That’s almost as many as would avoid watching a new Bristol Palin Levi Johnston reality TV series! So who knows – there may actually be something to this; the pole I mean, and not that awful reality TV series that the Palins are planning. BTW I hear that the real reason why Mother Gosselin has gone of to visit Sister Sarah in Alaska is that they have appalling plans for a joint reality TV venture!

before Megan, after Fox

Now that reality is out of the way it’s back to the movies. Megan Fox used to have a promising career before she publicly mouthed off about director Michael Bay. It was all a part of her “straight shooter” routine. I say routine because they say in Follywood that when you can fake sincerity you’ve got it made. Megan may have faked it not wisely but too well since Bay took umbrage (got pissed off!). Some of his minions (flunkies) also began posting shit about her online; like that she’s a semi literate, half retarded TV actress with too much plastic surgery and a diva complex.

Bay unofficially mad; Megan officially out of a job

Once Megan figured out that Bay was unofficially mad she packed up the straight talk and put her motor mouth in reverse gear. At an awards show she publicity expressed her gratitude to Bay and the Transformers film franchisewhich has given me so much“. In another interview Mouthy Megan says that Transformers gave her a world, since before that she was sitting around eating Ramen Noodles. Informed Megan followers will probably doubt that she ever said any such thing since she started on a little show called Faith & Hope for 5 years, so it’s not like she was a complete nobody. Besides she confided to Conan O Brien, during an interview, that her favorite food is found at Red Lobster, and not in boil in the bag pouches! Now lest you accuse me of trying to put words in Megan’s mouth, here’s that Ramen Noodle interview, from Australian TV.

pretty disappointed & a fleet of lead balloons

I am so very disappointed in that young woman! Megan’s pretty disappointed too since Michael Bay went from being unofficial mad to officially dropping her from T3! Megan had other irons in the fire, like Jennifer’s Body *smirk* and Jonah Hex *snicker*. Still when your immediate career plans consist of a bunch of films that will drop faster than a fleet of lead balloons, it doesn’t hurt to have a guy like Bay in your corner.

new It

Maybe that’s why Megan is royally pissed about Transformers new addition. The new addition is Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington Whiteley, who has been hired to play Shia LaBeouf’s new love interest (man for a nerd that guy gets some real action – on screen anyway!). Now Rosie is a VS/underwear model so she has tons of previous experience when it comes to standing around looking hot & stupid. So much so that the entertainment media is calling her the new It Girl. That’s what has Megger’s knickers in a knot.

The old new It Girl & Coming Up Rosie

You see Meggers used to be the new It Girl, back when she had a viable movie career. In fact she’s still attached to the title. Coming in second regularly in those online World’s Hottest polls can be an important ego booster! Now everything is coming up Rosie. In fact RHW is booked up in magazine covers right up until the July 4rth 2011 Transformers 3 release. Those covers don’t just help promote the film but are also a valuable source of income, so that’s a lot of work! That has Meggers muttering under her breath, and often right out loud, about how this just isn’t right. Megan puts it more bluntly: she refers to Rosie as that “Victoria’s Secret slut” and complains about the amount of attention the young woman is getting. It’s reassuring that Meggers hasn’t lost that refreshing directness we’ve come to associate with her!

“Hi. You might remember me. I used to be the next Angelina Jolie.”

While Megan might be mad others are pleased with the change up, like the film’s crew. They’re describing RHW as a great change, specifically she’s a ‘real doll’, ‘sweet’, and ‘a joy to work with’. The inference then being that this is a change because Meggers was none of those things. In fact behind the scenes scuttlebutt is that the whole crew loves The New It Girl. So that leaves Megan stuck with her title of The Old New It Girl. (I suppose that means Angelina Jolie is officially still the It Girl but unofficially the Old It Girl). As masseuse botherer Al Gore could tell her, being the former next something without actually having been anything ain’t gonna get you anywhere!

if sex stills sells will Movies Inc bring sexy back?

Still there is some hope. The movie could tank. Then the new it girl will get blamed and the studio will want the old new it girl back. With money at stake it would be out of Bay’s hands. Producers outrank directors in the Follywood pecking order as directors outrank leading A list actors/actresses. Studio executives outrank the lot and they only think about deals and the bottom line (that’s why we have so many films based on comic books and old TV shows these days!). The executroids won’t want money squandered on a personal grudge, and so might lay down the law to force Bay to bring Fox back out of the dog house.

The face is familiar but what the hell was the name again? Worst movie moniker since Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Besides, Rosie Huntington Whiteley has almost no chance of making it as an actress. For one thing her name is almost too long to be remembered. That’s okay as a model; people only have to remember your face. As an actress they’ve got to remember your name. Hers would be tough to keep in mind without a 3×5 index card. So unless she changes it to something like Rose Hunt, or even Apu de Beaumarchais, she might have to go back to staring blankly into still cameras to earn her keep. In which case the next whirlwind 12 months of Transformers promotional magazine covers will be excellent experience – & save some money kid. You wouldn’t want to wind up as the next Megan Fox!

BTW there’s something that really needs to be addressed. Those stories going around about Anne Hathaway sneaking around Comic Con disguised as Hawkgirl are probably false.

Anne Hathaway hawkgirl comic conAnne Hathaway hawkgirl comic con
Also if you like Hollywood history check out

All about Oscar: the history and politics of the Academy Awards

Von Emanuel Levy

on googlebooks!


is Mel out for blood?

Things are developing fast in the Mel Gibson story. When we last left Mel & Oksana LA Country Sheriff’s Dept were investigating Oksana for extortion and her sister as the source of the illegally l;eaked tapes. So it looked like Team Gibson was mounting a spirited counter offensive. However Oksana, or Octosana as some are calling her (pronounce it “Oc-tos-ana” with emphasis on the second syllable to give it a Russian ring!), have fired back. It has been claimed that Mel had target the head of TMZ Harvey Levin in a death plot saying “I want jew blood on my hands!

Seems that Mel holds Harv personally responsible for all those leaked tapes that have destroyed both his career and his image. So naturally he wanted to get even. Getting even meant having Levin followed at 4 Am to and from his gym with the intend of kidnapping him, taking him out to the desert, stripping him naked, and leaving him to die. That ought’a teach him a lesson! Besides it wouldn’t be the first time shit like that has gone down in Follywood! Still it sounds sort of extreme. Maybe a good tazing would’ve set Harv straight?
Now the story has come from Oksana Grigorieva’s representative, Steve Jaffe. Also there are no incriminating tapes on this one. So it looks like this might be just some slanderous shit slinging by Oxsie to get at Mel, and further damage his reputation!