English woman hit by lightning – nervous bystanders hope for the best

Is it the wedding of the millennium again already?

https://i1.wp.com/superherouniverse.com/superheroes/images/fanart/bingham/jan2005/marriage.jpgThat title is a little misleading. The woman hasn’t been struck by lightening. Lightening sounds so sudden and this has been coming on for about 8 years now. That’s because the lady in question is Katherine “Waity Katy” Middleton, and the lightening came in the form of a formal proposal from her beau Prince William. The proposal is for a position that no woman over the age of 30 – and old enough to remember the last next queen of England – would take on a dare! William has asked Kate to do him the very great honour of allowing him to make her the most famous woman on Earth.

waity late – better Kate than never

The pair have been hangin’ out together for longer – it seems – than Sam & Diane on Cheers, or that other couple on Wings – only without the entertaining romantic tension of personal jabs. Prince William did have other things to do – like stay out of Afghanistan, and find gainful employment as a search and rescue helicopter pilot in North Wales (woo – a real job. Something to fall back on in case the honours List falls through. It’s good for a celebrity to have a back up plan involving useful work, just in case they lose their super powers!). He also occasionally attended benefits in honour of his late mother Diana. That left Kate proving her commitment to duty by quietly biding her time (and allegedly having rivals quietly killed on the side – kidding! But seriously, anyone seen any of those young women from S Club 7 lately? I’m just sayin’, that’s all. I’m sure that there’s nothing to the rumours about them currently helping support the cement foundation blocks in a North Sea oil rig. Badda-bing!). Well congratulations Katie – I guess; cause you’ve passed the test.

“Oh Will, I’m happier than Bella Swan was when that horrible monster fell in love with her!”

While the Brit press was speculating whether or not Wills was gonna shit or get off of the pot; the sneaky lad quietly informed his nearest and dearest – that pack of leathery old reptilians who look like Monty Burns from the Simpson and are otherwise known as The Royal Family, that this was it. He then went on to ask Master Middleton whether or not he might have the honour of his daughter’s hand in marriage – with dibs on the rest of her if the spirit should so move him. Middleton is no fool so he said yes. It was probably a rhetorical question anyway. With that the wedding is one for spring or summer next year – according to Clarence House. Clarence House is the palace office that handles the Prince’s business, and not the name of the character that Hugh Laurie plays on TV. William presented Kate with the very ring his late mother wore for her own engagement.

Ring a ding ding!

The Lady Di ring thing must’ve made Kate’s hair stand on end, or at least put a chill down her spine. Things didn’t work out so well for the late and lamented Diana Spencer after she got herself royaled up. Though it was touted as a story book wedding at the time, the show quickly turned into tabloid fodder. Diana went through more personal crises than 20 years of Oprah Winfrey might adequately cover. When she was either doing public appearance or freaking out she was taking her mind off of her troubles with flaky New Age pastimes like ‘colonics‘ (That’s when rich ladies who can’t crap have high pressure hoses inserted up their rectums and have jets of water shot up into their bowels. It’s supposed to loosen up everything that was quietly fermenting in there instead of following it’s natural life cycle out and down the toilet.) and ‘plastic surgery’. She also developed an interest in anorexia and bulimia along the way. When the marriage finally broke up, even Mother Theresa was relieved. Diana wasn’t to get off of the hook that easily, and things came to a head when she and her then lover Dodi Al Fayd were tragically killed in Paris during a high speed chase with paparazzi.

Run Kate – it’s a trap!!!

Hopefully things will work out better for Wills & Kate. For one thing Diana was a blue blood while Kate is a scrappy little commoner (who’s father owns a ruddy great factory or something equally unroyal. Remember that you can’t really buy class – not if you made your own money anyway, but you can marry into it!) . Random common folk are much hardier than tragic heroines.

why history won’t repeat it’s self again this time

We’ve learned more about the dangers of royal celebrity marriages since the untimely death of Princess Diana too. William has practically gotten kid glove treatment from the media compared to the ordeal that his late mother had to endure. Back in those bad old days paparazzi would steal Princess Diana’s stool and have it sniffed over by retired police dogs to get shit! So using a gas station rest room – or Going Britney as celebs call it – was more than she dared do! Also people will be genuinely surprised if the ambitious and hard headed Kate shows even one tenth of the style, personality, and charisma that the woman who’d have been her mother in law – had she lived – had. So she might escape misfortune on the basis of not being interesting enough to bother (there’s a lesson in there for the rest of us – if you can’t avoid attracting attention then at least have the good sense to be dull about it. That is unless your job is being Kanye West, in which case Go For It!). Very clever of Will to pick out a dull girl like that. Besides, it’s not like they’re rushing into anything – so that’s a good sign in it’s self.

wondertrash

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