Kate Cracking?

With the anticipated royal Wedding moving up into hi gear everyone suddenly wants to know all sorts of things about Queen in waiting Kate Middleton. They want to know things like “is it true that her mother chewed gum in front of the Queen?” That is true and is a social faux pas even worse than touching the Queen’s person – the gaff Michelle Obama will never live down. Michelle has been keeping a low profile these days since she can’t turn around in public without getting lambasted by the media for wearing her shorts too tight or forgetting to have the sleeves attached to her blouse. Becoming a stay at home first lady is just so much easier when it allows you to avoid so much shit. As for Mrs. Middleton, she shows no signs of staying at home, except to run her online business for marketing bootleg Royal Wedding memorabilia! That’s another big faux pas, and Middleton seems determined to go right on making them. Think of her as the Clinton’s version of Billy Carter (things are about to get interesting for that family!), and set to turn the Royal Soap Opera in to an episode of Keeping Up Appearances!

Enough with the bad mother in law jokes and on to what Ms. Kate can bring to the table. Word has it, and by word I mean the usual tittle tattle, that has the anticipated day approaches she’s driving her future husband, the future king, to distraction with some of her own irritating little habits. Habits like smoking. Kate has always enjoyed a cigarette, or a fag as he English call em. They helped keep her weight down in addition ot making her look stylish and sophisticated. Actually ciggies only made people look smart and sophisticated in 1940’s era movie romances, usually starring Humphrey Bogart. Nowadays they’re supposed to make celebrities seem edgy and a little dangerous – unless the Sheenius manages to kill the tobacco market. As for Kate, she liked the way they helped suppress her appetite and kept her weight under control.

Prince William isn’t such a fan of the controversial product. In fact he things it’s a filthy habit. This is something that he never tires of reminding his future bride about at every opportunity. Those opportunities are getting more frequent as the day approaches. Sources say that as the wedding day gets nearer, Kate’s tobacco consumption increasing. The cause is stress. Middleton is getting so worked up about being a princess (who knew that could be such a bad break? You would, if you are a regular Wondertrash reader!) that she’s resorting to the cancer sticks to help clam her nerves! This is in much the same way that her prospective mother in law whatever Camilla Bowles Parker has resorted to gin binges to deal with the trauma of being suddenly displaced in the royal pecking order by a little middle class upstart (Readers will recall that a little while back Wondertrash posted that Camilla had some sort of a break down after hearing that Middleton had been promoted above her in the Windsor hierarchy. This would officially require Camilla to courtesy to Kate. That was an indignity that Camilla couldn’t bear. Plus it reminded her that she’s never gonna be queen. So Camilla took to her private washroom with a gin bottle, and the bent her elbow with a drunken vengeance. Before the whole sorry episode was over Camilla was yelling at the walls. By the time staff found her she was out cold and in distress. So the Duchess had to be carted off to a top secret nut house where royals are housed when they temporarily loose their marbles. This happens from time to time, just the way Capt Kirk’s ego would act up on Star Trek, so that he had to be declared unfit to command once or twice each season.).

Naturally this has observers, and other inquiring minds, asking whether the pressure is getting to the poor girl. The consensus seems to be a resounding “YES!” Let’s face it, Princes of wales, eventually, is a tough gig. When reality sets in, probably about the same time as the press starts watching your every move and criticizing everything you do, it’s bound to be a bit daunting. The Windsors, being the paragons of human sensitivity we’ve come to know then as through the movie The Queen, and through the struggles of the late Princess Diana, can be much support. Let’s face it, they’re about as warm and cuddle as a school of hungry piranhas!

The thing is that Kate’s sudden pre wedding panic attack shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. Kate watchers must’ve noticed that the young woman has been steadily losing weight for some time. Now she’s down to the Posh Spice Beckham level of emaciation. Eating disorders are the usual way that young when nowadays deal with stress. that’s especially true when the stress comes in the form of the pressure to be perfect, or at least not to have any obvious flaws. Princess Diana was pretty up front about her own struggles with anorexia during her time as a royal.

So the question is “will she make it?” At this stage in the game the poor kid doesn’t have much of a choice. The invitations have already been sent out. Besides Hyacinth is already waiting for her freshly minted “mother of the queen” peerage to arrive in the mail. That opens all sorts of doors for an ambitious social climber ready to take hi society by storm – popping chewing gum and marketing t shirts every step of the way. So calling it off is off. Kate might make some half assed break for freedom – which didn’t work for Diana – by maybe holding some surprise press conference to make some startling allegation that would disqualify her as future royalty except that she probably so monitored that she can’t get out of the house these days without a retinue of minders keeping an eye on her while protecting her from the public. So she wouldn’t even get a shot at some off the cuff outrage for the benefit of passers bys with cell cams. That means short of alien abduction, her fate is sealed. So what can you say except Carry On Queenie, and smoke em while you got em, till they come to take em away!


A View from Space – March 5, 2011

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