An American Gothic Trampire Tragedy

Ever since the news broke that Kristen Stewart had made a trampire of herself by cheating on her long term boyfriend Robert Pattinson with Snow White producer Rupert Saunders her legions of fans have been asking “Why Kristen, why?”. Not that they hate the actress. They’re just very very disappointed. Yous ee Kristen got to live out every teen aged girls dream of dating a vampire in high school. So by cheating on Robbo she’s killed that dream in much the same way Lady Diana Spencer killed the fairy tale when she divorced Prince Charles and then went on her journey of personal self discovery by way of radical weight loss and unauthorized tell all biographies. Yet before you judge Kris too harshly just stop and think about it from her point of view.

I knew I shoulda gone out with the jock!

An unnamed & fictitious source close to Stewart has revealed the whole sad story. Apparently dating a high school vampire wasn’t the great dream Kris thought that it would be. For one thing once the other kids noticed that Robbo was a but different they wouldn’t leave him alone. They started calling him “Batboy”. Robbo pointed out in the slightly lame way nerdy awkward young men have that “I don’t change into a bat, I change into a wolf. I’m not Dracula or Count Chockula or the Sesame Street Count or Eddie Munster or anything like that.”. The Eddie Munster thing set them off. They started asking him if he knew that Addams Family and then began singing the theme song – “You’re creepy and you’re kooky, you’re altogether spooky…” By the time they got to the “ooky” part Kris flipped and shouted at them to leave her boyfriend alone. Her reaction only made things worse and soon packs were following them around calling out “Oooky, ooky, ooky”.

das whimpire

What made things even worse was Rob’s total refusal to stand up for himself. Kris called him on that a number of times, chiding, “You’re a vampire, are you just gonna let them do that to you? Use the powers of darkness!” However Rob pointed out that kids were now carrying around garlic and crosses, and that he was afraid that they might hurt him. His fears were born out when some of the meaner kids began carrying holy water around in water pistols. They’d follow Patz around, hounding him and spraying water on him. Kris was subjected to the humiliating experience of seeing her born friend starting their hissing and flailing around, while his skin peeled off. “I didn’t know whether to feel pity or disgust” the actress confided.

now to try out something more mature

So when an older, sophisticated, and confident man came along Kris was ready to leave the world of hi school goth romance behind. Not that she ever wanted to hurt Rob. It’s just that shew as growing up now, and needed someone who could help her grow. As the fictitious source explained, “life isn’t fair, it isn’t even a fairy tale.” So before you judge Kristen too harshly, put yourself back in hi school, and think about what you thought was cool at the time. Now remember how fast you grew out of that once you had to move out into the real world.

yer in the dog house now

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