Celebrity Smack Down #2

Remembrance of things past


Everyone loves a sequel (unless it was that last Indiana Jones flick, in which case even Shia Labouef thought it sucked), and if you liked yesterday’s post then you’re in luck. In the last post I covered how celebrities can sometimes have a touch of loose lips – the kind that Hollywood plastic surgeons can’t tighten. IN fact you might say that one of their favorite yoga postures is “foot in mouth” pose (a shock to those of you who were gonna guess “head up ass“). One of the highest horse power yaps in Tinsel Town belongs to Megan Fox (when I say that her mouth is hi horse power I don’t mean it in the way that they say *wink, wink*). Megan’s mouth is so prolific in silly utterances that it only seemed right to do an entire post on Little Miss Mouthy. Especially since she managed to provoke the very mild ire of Lynda Carter – which is very hard to do (When Lynda begins with “I like her but…” look for the steam shooting out of her ears). Megan is by no means the only celebrity offender with a mouth loaded and ready for action. Take Keith Richards for instance.

side effects

Keith has got a lot of credibility as the heart and soul of the Rolling Stones. He’s also done an ungodly amount of drugs over the years. IN this case too much of a good thing has had side effects. Let’s just say that every so often Keith’s mind wanders and his mouth decides to follow along and see where it goes. Just like the time Keith claimed to have snorted his dead dad’s ashes (unless it was that container of Snalt he left lying around). Then he took it back. Then he took back the take back. He’s said some other stuff too, like Mick Jagger is a stuck up sell out (which is unfair – he’s no Sir Ben Kingsley!). Of course Keith is jealous over Jagger’s knighthood, and has even taken to calling him “Mike” or “Mikey” within earshot and just out of spite. He also said that Johnny Depp looks like a drug dealer – but he didn’t mean anything by that.

Striking out in Sweden

Well for a guy who can dish it out he has some trouble taking it and that has lead to the latest occurrence of Keith Richards Public Outrage Mania! The story started back in 2007 when the Stones were still touring. Back then they were in Sweden. Despite what Jessica Alba may say about the land of Ikea and sex change surgery, one particular Swede was less than neutral about the Stones. Markus Larrson covered the concert and in his review referred tot he band as amateurs. Now that’s a lot kinder than the rest of us who call them washed up years ago – but Keith took exception.

Life & the City of Light

Now you have to watch what you say because even if you trash talk from a discreet distance time & chance can put you face to face with your target. That’s what recently happened when Richards and Larrson met face to face in Paris. Keith was in the City of Light to promote his new autobiography called Life. He made a stop at a hotel to meet and greet some members of the media when lo and behold who should he find himself face to face with but Mr. Larrson.

Gothenberg a go go

At the time of the ’07 Gothenberg concert Richards had been so irate about Larrson’s review (2 out of 5 stars) that he demanded an apology. This time he didn’t recognize Larrson – well not right away anyway. It seems that time,, and years of drug abuse were on Larrson’s side since Richards was chatting amicable with him for about ten minutes before he realized what was what (Keith must be improving. He recently revealed in an interview that Johnny Depp had been dropping by the house for 2 years before he figured out who Edward Scissorhands was. “I thought he was just another drug dealer my son dragged in.” Richards explained).

Don’t worry till you see the blanks of his eyes

When the wheels finally clicked sparks started flying. Richards confronted the Swede angrily. Markus explains, “His eyes got black and he was absolutely furious. He stood up and asked if we would put out the lights and settle the disagreement straight away. At first I was just surprised, I thought he was pulling my leg, but then I realized he was serious and then I felt uncomfortable and I just wanted to get out of there pretty fast. Things didn’t get better after that. Markus then claims that the elderly rocker hit him over the head before telling him “You’re lucky to get out of here alive!!!!!! I assume that Markus added the exclamation marks. Keith doesn’t seem like more than a three exclamation mark dude at most. Still you get the point – hairy situation.

trash talking a two way street

So let that be a lesson to all you trash talkers out there. We all enjoy the good fun of talking smack about others. Especially if they’re famous. Even more so if they’re natural targets (speaking of which it has just been announced that Carrie Prejean is pregnant – so the world can look forward to the first birth of a silicon based life form!). Yet beware. Even if you’re a protected member of the media, and even if you’re safely away in the land of democratic socialism and seasonal affective disorder, your words can find you out and come back to haunt you. Or at the very least hit you over the head.

sorry Charlie

BTW speaking of celebrity trash talk Gloria Allred has opened her big toxic yap again. Now whenever Allred open that maw of her’s it must send off emissions of fallout like Chernobyl. This time the toxic cloud was directed towards Charlie Sheen, and the words were in the form of an open letter (though you have to admire her for putting her pen where her mouth is, it’s also stupid for a lawyer to put anything in writing). The letter was a sort of diatribe calling Sheen out and detailing some of the violent incidents he’s had with women over the years – you know like the time he shot John Travolta’s wife. Here’s the letter:

Dear Charlie,

You did it again. I can almost see the smirk on your face. You were involved in a scandal in New York where you damaged property and your female companion was allegedly so frightened by your conduct that she hid in the bathroom.

The resulting coverage boosted your ratings for your CBS show “Two and a Half Men”. What you did in the hotel room seemed not to faze you any more than your past criminal conduct has.

Yesterday you were quoted on Extra as saying “If a guy has one bad night everybody goes insane and panics. I’m not panicking.” I can understand why you aren’t panicking Charlie. By now, you understand that the mainstream press and the Hollywood press have their own addiction. They are addicted to celebrities and to scandal, and you are one of their favorites.

They love covering what you do, because it is good for their business as well. The fact that you have hurt women in the past and that you present a potential risk to them in the future if you do not get help seems to be of little or no concern to the press.

They either ignore it, gloss over it or minimize it. For example, last Saturday night, CNN aired what they titled “The Charlie Sheen Story”. Nowhere in the broadcast was it mentioned that a criminal case was filed against you in Malibu, CA in 1997 (People v. Sheen, Case #7MA0345) or that in that case, my client, Brittany Ashland, (photo above) alleged that she suffered substantial physical injuries because of you. Nobody mentioned that you pled no contest in that case to one count of battery with serious injuries, Penal Code Section 243D, a misdemeanor. CNN completely failed to state that your sentence was one year suspended jail time, two years probation, $2,800 fine, 300 hours of community service and 8 counseling sessions.

Elsewhere in the media, there was also hardly any mention of that case when reporters discussed your latest scandal. Instead the discussion was about you, your addictions, whether you party with prostitutes, and your ability to continue to work on your hit show. In other words, with rare exception it was all about Charlie, with minimal mention of women you have hurt in the past.

Almost nobody mentioned that in the recent criminal case brought against you in Colorado that you were originally charged with felony conduct against your wife Brooke Meuller. Almost nobody quoted the full quote of one of the responding police officers to your home in Aspen.

Valerie McFarlane (also my client) has stated “I was one of the responding police officers on Christmas day 2009 to the Sheen home in Aspen. During my investigation I interviewed Charlie Sheen’s wife. I also observed her injuries and photographed them for the record. I observed a red mark on the upper part of her neck which appeared to be as a result of a strangulation hold and red marks on her arms. I also saw older bruises that appeared to be in the healing process. A knife was recovered at the scene which Brooke alleged had been used by the defendant to threaten her. Brooke was crying uncontrollably as she described the incident to me.”

In fact, the press barely mentioned that you were convicted of misdemeanor assault on your wife, Brooke Meuller for what you did to her in your home on Christmas Day 2009.

After all, it was only the mother of your children that you assaulted in your home.

Dangerous and criminal conduct against a woman seems not to matter to most press. What really matters to them is Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

The fact that the court failed to require you to serve any time in custody for your criminal conduct in the case involving the victim Brittany Ashland, and the criminal case involving your wife is not generally considered important enough for serious discussion. Instead there seems to be an almost secret admiration for how you get away without serious consequences for your dangerous criminal conduct.

I was in court in Aspen and noticed the smirk on your face when the court failed to sentence you to jail time. I understood why you smirked. As a celebrity you seemed to get away with what the typical person without money and power cannot. You might also have felt that the criminal justice system as well as most press stands in awe of your celebrity and appears to be seduced by it.

Charlie, I for one am not seduced by it. I don’t think assaulting and hurting women is funny. I am not one of those standing in line hoping for an interview with you, or an autograph.

Instead, I think about women you will meet in the future. Will they be at risk of harm if you do not get help?

I think about your young daughters. What kind of message are they receiving about violent criminal conduct that men like you are permitted to engage in with little or no consequence?

What if men did to them what you have done to women?

You may have a smirk on your face now, but I doubt that you would think that it was funny if your daughters were the victims of criminal acts. At this point, for the sake of your daughters and other people’s daughters I hope you and your enablers (the celebrity press) get help before it is too late.

Gloria Allred
Attorney at Law
November 9, 2010

Allred knows a thing or two about sleazy antics

Some, like the author of Crazy Days & Crazy Nights, have applauded Allred in this instance. However it’s worth remembering that Allred has an even more colourful history than Sheen. She’s currently repping Rachel Uchitel – one of Tiger Woods’ sluts, she may or may not have represented one of Charlie’s many many abused exs, and she started her career of infamy by launching a gender discrimination suit against the Boyscouts of America. Basically she’s Hollywood’s version of an ambulance chaser. It seems like Allred will do or say anything to get her name in the press – much like Balloon Boy Dad Richard Heene – though it should be pointed out for the sake of possible libel litigation that Gloria Allred has not now, nor has she ever, launched anyone in a balloon – that we know of. Whether or not she’s capable of it is something that I leave to your imaginations. Hey, you guys have been around!

PS Don’t let the trash talk go too far. Remember to mind your language. Who wants to be in need of muzzling?

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Pamela Anderson before and after

Every boy’s dream girl lives out the Hollywood nightmare

Pamela Anderson started her career as a natural beauty with personality plus. She was discovered at a CFL game and broadcast on the stadium view screen. After that one of Canada’s leading breweries asked her to be their pin up girl. Soon Playboy called, and soon after that Tim Allen asked her to be the Tool Girl on Home Improvement. Pammy was getting noticed!

Soon after that she made the switch to Baywatch. BW was at the time the most viewed television show on the planet. Pam was a major part of the appeal. However celebrity success lead to the usual pitfalls. Pammy got hooked up with sleazy musicians. She got hooked on drugs – rumored, and she also picked up Hep A. No one is sure about the Hep. Pam claims that she got it from ex Tommy Lee, or so she told Larry King. Tommy’s reps claimed that she got it from Kid Rock and was covering for her then husband by blaming the T Boner. She might have as easily picked Hep up from a tattoo needle (as is rumored to be the case with Angelina Jolie).

Pammy also went in heavy on the plastic surgery. Though a natural beauty with considerable assets, she seemed to feel the need to make a good thing better. She got breast implants, then had them removed, and then had them put back again. She claimed that her breasts had lost their natural shape after the removal, and so needed the implants put back. She also had her two lower ribs removed so she could cinch her waist. Someone should have reminded her that if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Hollywood seemed to be putting the pressure directly on her insecurities, with disastrous results.

Nowadays the bloom is off the rose. Pam showed up at NYC Fashion Week recently to hype her line, designed in collaboration with Richie Rich. She showed up late and looking shiteous. Wags claimed that she looked like a tranny on meth. Though her heart didn’t seem to be in it, she did make a runway appearance at the end of the show, wearing a skimpy silver number, and a bewildered expression on her face. It was a date that she had to keep since she is currently about $1 million in debt, to building contractors and in back taxes. So she’s desperately pimping herself out to raise money. She will make any appearance that pays. What exactly are people showing up to see? A formerly beautiful woman now showing the ravages of fame and success. Her life has become a celebrity cautionary tale (One that cupcake dejour Megan Fox might do well to heed!). That’s life in the fast lane!

wondertrash

Has Brad Pitt Still Got It?

pix courtesy of JanetCharlestonsHollywood

So would you hit it?

article-0-070A47EF000005DC-232_468x710

If Brad Pitt has still got it then he’s keeping it well hidden. At least he’s in better shape than Don Johnson, barely.

091026mvcp_donjohnson_001a_

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