Gwyneth Paltrow cooks up a storm

Gwyneth Paltrow get’s an unexpected shock

Gwyneth Paltrow has a new cook book out and the inspiration was a stroke that later turned out to be merely a panic attack. She had just finished serving lunch in her spacious garden when, and to use her words “not to be overly dramatic“, she thought that she was gonna die. That’s because she came over light headed, lost the ability to form thoughts, and developed a searing headache. Now that happens to some of us several times daily, & sometimes they’re even called hangovers  However it can be a bit of a shock if you’re not used to it.

suddenly one sunny day

Anyway back to Gwyneth. Just because you don’t wanna be melodramatic is no reason not to blow something completely out of proportion. So Gwyneth decided that she was having some kind of near death experience, or in her own words – “One sunny afternoon in London, in the spring of 2011, I thought — without sounding overly dramatic — that I was going to die. I had just served lunch in the garden at home. I had a vague feeling that I was going to faint, and I wasn’t forming thoughts correctly. I got a searing pain in my head, I couldn’t speak, and I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was having a stroke.

Gwyneth survives but doesn’t get over it

This tale does have a happy ending. Gwen goes to the doctor, who explains to her that she’s having a panic attack. This is something that sometimes happens to high strung, anxious people. They usually survive, even if they never actually get over it. There’s not much you can do about the condition, apart from tiresome self improvement seminars that encourage neurotic people to focus even more closely on themselves. Just stick to the basics: smoke plenty of good weed, get enough rest, have glass of wine with dinner, and watch what you eat. That gives yous something to do while nature sorts things out.

When life hands you a lemon make GOOP – because anyone can make lemonade!

The trouble with giving anxious or restless people something to do while time sorts things out is that sometimes they can get a little carried away. Not that I’m accusing Paltrow of making a religion out of her new experience and consequent insights. She hasn’t sashayed down off of the mountain top with the Gospel According to Gwyneth neatly engraved on twin elegantly mono graphed marble tablets or anything. She simply sat down and wrote a new cook book called It’s All Good. So give her credit for keeping it in proportion. However she did write her book GOOP style. That means getting a little carried away and going overboard.

Taking the starch out of Gwyneth Paltrow

In this case GOOP means that Gwyneth gets kind of particular and hyper finicky. For instance she’s got a long list of don’t. She brags that you won’t find a slice of bread or a chicken egg any where in her house. It ain’t because she and hubby Chris Martin are hard up or anything either. Bread is full of gluten. As Gwyneth has discovered gluten can do a real number on your metabolism & nervous system. Since Gwyneth’s nervous system is on over drive most days it doesn’t need any help in that department. Plus she also discovered that Chris and the kids are gluten intolerant too.So the residence is now a starch free zone.

So when you rule out everything else, that leaves you with food for thought?

health conscious types fear gluten

Paltrow backs up her health regime too. Says Gwyn “Every single nutritionist, doctor and health-conscious person I have ever come across . . . seems to concur that (gluten) is tough on the system and many of us are at best intolerant of it and at worst allergic to it. Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs.” Sounds like bad news. On the bright side if she’d been Al Gore and those nutritionists, doctors, and other assorted health conscious people (like other students in Paltrow’s yoga classes) who seemed to concur had been eco scientists, then this thing would be An Inconvenient Truth. So be thankful that it’s merely a cook book that strongly discourages pasta, bread, rice, sugar, dairy & chicken eggs among other things, and not some agenda for rearranging the world.

Remember to keep checking in @ Wondertrash, where you always know what’s cookin’, ’cause the menu is disturbingly familiar!


A few days ago it was unofficially announced that Elizabeth Hasselbeck was allegedly leaving the View after about 17 years on the job. Liz joined about a year after the View started up. She came in straight out of Survivor to replace Lisa Ling. Nothing was official but the rumour was that the marketing guys figured that Liz was too unpopular. Her right wing politics was alienating large portions of the audience. So it was tie for her to go and explore other possibilities like possibly talk radio.

Well an official announcement has come down from on high by Barbara Walters herself, in addition to View spokesperson. The official word is that Liz is a valued member of the team, and that she has along term contract. in other words Hasselbeck ain’t going anywhere. Which only goes to show that you have to be careful about what you read on these gossip web sites.

Perhaps View producers have been reading some of the Internet messages posted about Hasselbeck, which indicate that she was more popular and well liked than believed. Also posters found her right wing views less objectionable than people with in the entertainment industry bubble believed. The general consensus being that she brought some semblance of balance to a stacked deck. Not that anyone would accuse the View of any kind of political bias. It’s just that Hasselbeck was probably the only person her co hosts knew of, besides Angie Harmon, who was voting for Mitt Romney. Let’s just say that sometimes the View is more of an echo chamber. Alternative opinions are essential to maintaining credibility, unless you’re preaching to the choir. Then credibility ain’t as important as consensus. Can we at least agree on that?

So things at the View are pretty much as they were, except for Joy Behar. That leaves Television Without Pity to sum the situation up with their online poll – who should have left the View with Joy Behar. There was one overwhelming favorite that won by a healthy 50% and it wasn’t Hasselbeck either. Just take a look at those current results posted below!

Elizabeth did come in second with a respectable 31 percent, right ahead of all of the above.However apathy was the clear winner! The poll is still on going so you to have a chance to register your indifference by heading over to TWP. BTW as far as I know Brooke Shields is still on – unless they’ve bagged Sarah Palin. That broad is ratings dynamite!

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Breaking Biden

 The following might be true, but probably isn’t because I made it up while my mind wandering during last night’s presidential debate!

After last night’s vice presidential debate people are asking themselves “Joe, what the fuck got into you?” Usually he’s Joe Gaffworthy, the guy you gotta watch cause occasionally he says things that got lost in translation, between speaker and listener. If people were waiting for one of those Joe Biden moments last night, though, then they got way more than they bargained for by getting more than they ever expected. Joe not only wiped the floor with Paul Ryan, but screwed the kid around  like he was a sailor on leave with a double dose of Viagra. Such a big change from the understated Biden from the Palin debate has people wondering if he really is on something like maybe steroids!

Joltin Joe

Well my fictitious sources tell me that the Veep ain’t juicin’, not on synthetic chemicals anyway. Joe Biden is in fact relying on a special blend of herbal pep pills to get his mojo in top gear for the difficult and challenging days ahead. It all started a while back. As you know Joe ain’t a spring chicken any more. Even though the job of vice pres is far from challenging – in fact a major job requirement is the being seen and not heard – Joe felt he needed a little something to put the spark in his plugs.So, & on the recommendation of Al Gore, he began taking Korean Red Ginseng. After a week he was all go, & in a month Biden was over heard bragging that he “feels like Bill Clinton!

gotta get the zinger back in the droopy drawers

Now pep can be addictive. However it was the disappointing Obama debate that pushed Biden to extremes.  Party insiders privately felt that the president had dropped the ball, & was in danger of letting the team down. Quite frankly the Beltway Dems were frightened that they’d be out of work in about a month, as the White House got packed to the brim with more Mormons than Howard Hughes Las Vegas penthouse back during the ‘saving his urine‘ crazy days! Let’s face it, Wash DC was in danger of turning into a Donnie & Marie Osmond Bros family reunion!

Joe Biden is a one man stimulus package waiting to happen!

Aware of the growing malaise within the democratic party’s inner circle Joe Biden decided something had to be done. The last time the dems had an attack of malaise was during Jimmy Carter and that lead to Ronald Reagan and almost 15 years of republican government. Only Good Time Willie snapped liberals out of their slump. Rather than let that happen again Biden boosted his ginseng dosage. He also began blending it with an exotic cocktail of herbal all natural mood elevators and energy boosters! Stuff like wheatgrass, moringa, royal jelly, tumbo tortu, kava java, etc. This would usually be mixed together in a blender and then served up to the Veep in a Red Bull smoothy!

Paul Ryan might be pretty, but it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing!

The stuff worked like a charm.Within days Biden was barreling around the white house like a fireball! “Just relax and let me take care of it Bar” became his new catch phrase. By the time the debate came around Biden was like a rocket twitching on the launch pad and ready for take off. However it had some side effects. Stuff like the smirking, and laughing to himself, that people noticed. Plus the debate had to be switched to a sit down round table type format. That’s because since Joe has been on the new energy booster routine he’s had a more or less permanent erection! So naturally they couldn’t do the thing standing up. Stimulus packages aside – viewers might see more than they were supposed to. Like a whole different kinda Big Bird! Then they might vote Democrat for all the wrong reasons!

“This shit has changed me from what I was into what I can be – So I’m Jack Kennedy now!”

Dems are pretty happy about last night’s performance. Joe left em happy. However they’re not necessarily wanting more. For one thing they’re a little concerned about those twitchy side effects. Not that they thjink he could gamma ray over dose and turn into the Incredible Hulk. They are afraid that a turbo charged Joe Biden could go berserk and then run off on some pre election sexual rampage. Though sex scandals have helped make the democratic party great, and might even be long over due, it’s the last thing the party needs right now. So the back room boys are trying to talk Biden in to toning it down. They want him to cut out the weird herbal junk mixed up with red bull, and maybe cut back to the simple red ginseng tablets. Joe’s only reply is if they’ve run into Sarah Palin lately and if she asks about him. So they’re working on a secret plot to get the veep into rehab should he start to go completely out of control. Today Sarah Palin, tomorrow Paris Hilton!

borrowed mojo

Meanwhile the President is very supportive of the idea. Besides he’s been seen lately hanging around the veep’s office and rummaging through the medicine cabinet in it’s private washroom. Aides aren’t to concerned about this because the Pres seems to be getting his old confidence back. Also Michelle is privately saying that “Barack hasn’t been this frisky in years!” A few insiders are expressing concern about the President’s recent facial & muscles twitches, but hopeful organizers are writing them off as a pack of George Stephanopouli

Remember to keep reading wondertrash because we’re a stimulus package that’s always in a swing state!

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heartbreaking new Megan Fox photo

Megan Fox is in bad shape lately

Remember when Megan Fox was the hottest girl on the planet? That was back during the first Transformers flick. That was in 2007 when she had the role of Mikaela Banes, Shia Labouef’s unlikely girlfriend. Though Shia was the star Megan was the girl people came to see.

Back then Hollywood thought that they had lightening in a bottle. Execs and producers figured that they could just point a camera at the chick and people would pay to watch. Since sex sells Megan was a license to print money. That gave her an unlimited future. Then, as often happens in show business, things went wrong.

Did I say that shit or just think it out loud again?

Megan’s mouth got out of control and went on a rampage. Before studio executives could have her fitted for a bridle Megan had started saying all sorts of things, like actresses are whores but she’s really a man, or maybe only a tranny (that lead to the rumors that she was born a man named Mitchell Reed Fox who was later surgically converted to the female persuasion). She also claimed that women have power because they have pussies sand men are afraid of that but that all people are basically bisexual. Then she said that her boss Michael Bay was Hitler and his boss Steven Spielberg had her fired. Maybe he wasn’t sure how seriously to take her – like the rest of us (She had ony run through half her material and was just getting around to men being latent homosexuals!).

Any Bay in a storm

Anyway Bay needed a hot chick who couldn’t necessarily act for his 3rd film. So he got that Victoria’s Secret model. She was used to walking around in her under wear in front of an audience so she might have what it takes to be an actress. The transplant didn’t take so he might as well have just gone for Adriana Lima. She’s good enough for multiple Superbowl ads (that’s how you know which one is the archangel)!

from loose lips to loose ends

That left Meggers at loose ends. She wasn’t working much since Jennifer’s Body bombed. She was doing some B stuff that no one talked about, or saw. The Internet wasn’t even keeping track of her latest verbal diarrhea attack. It’s hard to keep a major Hollywood career afloat when people are forgetting about you.

“I can do Wonder Woman now – or even some Esurance commercials!”

She tried to keep herself busy. She married longtime boyfriend BAG. She did a few adds. She waited for Comic Con to ask her back. That leaves a lot of slack in the schedule, and you can only fill up so much time playing Guitar Hero! So your probably wondering “how’s Ms Megan is handling early semi retirement?” The answer is worse than Erin Esurance! This heartbreaking recent pic of Megan tells the whole sad story.

There have been some scary celebrity crashes but this takes the cake!

a funny thing happened on the way to rehab

There’s just no rehab for that! Many of us have done that door stopper thing – though in most cases it was because of Asperger’s Syndrome. When otherwise normal people get there things are bad. So bad that I hear Megger’s has been asking around to find out if the Wonder Woman part is still available. Look at it from her point of view – it’s a rough spot for a chick who used to be the next Angelina Jolie and is now lower than Al Gore. So send some good vibes out her way and tell her Wondertrash sent ’em! Also be sure to see her in The Great Dictator with Sacha Baron Cohen! You really need to support her in this cause her door stop routine is getting ont he neighbors’ nerves.

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