Texas Cop Takes a Bite Out of Fiona Apple

Fiona Apple
Cover of Fiona Apple

Remember when Fiona Apple got all psycho about her Texas arrest? She started making cryptic comments about encrypted holding cells and celebrity vendettas. Seems she was pissed off with about 4 people who were evolved with her recent incarceration. Well now we might know who 1 of the 4 is!

It’s not a voice in Fiona’s head either but a very real Texas law enforcement officer who got in connection with TMZ and released a statement to show the world that Fiona Apple really doesn’t frighten him. Nor do her fans which he describes as possibly in the thousands! The officer is Officer Rusty Fleming and here’s the statement that made TMZ:

First, Honey, I’m already more famous than you, I don’t need your help. However, it would appear that you need mine.Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say, — now that you’ve been arrested it appears your entire career has been jump-started. Don’t worry Sweetie, I won’t bill you.Next, have you ever heard of Snoop, Willie or Armand Hammer? Maybe if you would read something besides your own press releases, you would have known BEFORE you got here, that if you come to Texas with dope, the cops will take your DOPE away and put YOU in jail.Even though you and I only met briefly in the hallway, I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re an awesome and talented young woman and even though I’m not a fan of yours, I am sure there are thousands of them out there, and I’m sure that they would just as soon you get this all behind you and let you go back to what you do best—so my last piece of advice is simple “just shut-up and sing.”SincerelyRusty Fleming

So now you know that Fiona just wasn’t making up imaginary frenemies in her Texas holding cell. She actually managed to tick off at least one real person! As for the other 3, we’re still waiting for confirmation that they’re not Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, & the Tooth Fairy! Maybe they were “Me, myself, & I“.


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