Texas Cop Takes a Bite Out of Fiona Apple

Fiona Apple
Cover of Fiona Apple

Remember when Fiona Apple got all psycho about her Texas arrest? She started making cryptic comments about encrypted holding cells and celebrity vendettas. Seems she was pissed off with about 4 people who were evolved with her recent incarceration. Well now we might know who 1 of the 4 is!

It’s not a voice in Fiona’s head either but a very real Texas law enforcement officer who got in connection with TMZ and released a statement to show the world that Fiona Apple really doesn’t frighten him. Nor do her fans which he describes as possibly in the thousands! The officer is Officer Rusty Fleming and here’s the statement that made TMZ:

First, Honey, I’m already more famous than you, I don’t need your help. However, it would appear that you need mine.Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say, — now that you’ve been arrested it appears your entire career has been jump-started. Don’t worry Sweetie, I won’t bill you.Next, have you ever heard of Snoop, Willie or Armand Hammer? Maybe if you would read something besides your own press releases, you would have known BEFORE you got here, that if you come to Texas with dope, the cops will take your DOPE away and put YOU in jail.Even though you and I only met briefly in the hallway, I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re an awesome and talented young woman and even though I’m not a fan of yours, I am sure there are thousands of them out there, and I’m sure that they would just as soon you get this all behind you and let you go back to what you do best—so my last piece of advice is simple “just shut-up and sing.”SincerelyRusty Fleming

So now you know that Fiona just wasn’t making up imaginary frenemies in her Texas holding cell. She actually managed to tick off at least one real person! As for the other 3, we’re still waiting for confirmation that they’re not Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, & the Tooth Fairy! Maybe they were “Me, myself, & I“.

Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

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Jason Kony Russell’s naked public meltdown video

March Madness

From the good people @ TMZ.

Needless to say it’s been a wild day for celebrity arrests. George Clooney got arrested earlier during a protest at the Sudanese embassy. Big George got handcuffed and carted off for some brief jail time, after which he got to break out his stand up routine at a press conference.

When in doubt, whip it out!

That was nothing compared to Jason Russell. Jace was the brains behind Kony 2012. Russell was spotted going berserk on the side walk around 11 AM. The poor man was naked as a jay bird and screaming his head off while he pounded the pavement. He was originally arrested for public masturbation, but he doesn’t appear to be masturbating in the video. He doesn’t appear to be masturbating in the video cause for one thing he’s beatin’ the street and not the meat.

naked aggression

From the looks of it he’s trying to channel his chi energy – to defend himself against psychic attack. So my guess is that some kind of witchcraft is involved; maybe even some kind of MK Ultra Monarch Mind Control mishap (sometimes the programming goes haywire!). Either that or the poor man was wasted on drugs or something. On the up side Russell has had 2 videos go viral in about a month!

Reversal of fortune: Is Angelina Jolie the next Megan Fox?

One thing that can be taken from this is that it’s a bad month to be Angelina Jolie. First there was that dreadful Oscar dress stunt. Now there’s this whole Kony masturbation mess she’s linked herself to by hyping the cause. Not that being linked to incidence of masturbation is bad for a Hollywood actress – it kind of keeps ’em in business as Megan Fox might say. It’s just the whole scandalous backfire angle of it.

bad ass blues

The thing was there was a time when Jolie could do no wrong in the eyes of the world. About ten years ago she was everyone’s favorite beautiful bad ass with the lips that wouldn’t quit. That was back when she was Lara Croft. In those days if she had been caught cooking babies in a caldron people would’ve said “cool”!

there’s a fine line between cool and fool

Somewhere along the way she seems to have lost her connection with the general public. People identified with her wild edginess because it represented a part of them that got broken through the taming process. So supporting Jolie was a way of “preserving wild life“. Somehow she seemed to make the transition from bad ass to needy and desperate. Probably something to do with the way she hangs on to Brad Pitt like Linus with his security blanket. So she went from cool to fool. People just started wondering whether she was ever really the person that they thought that she was.

Jolie next year? Crashing Oscar parties with Sean Young?

So now it looks like the tide has turned. These days Jolie can’t put a foot right. Especially when it’s on the end of that over hyped leg! So what can the future hold? I dunno. Hopefully she’ll hang in there – though she does seem to be more flighty and emotional than she seemed. Just as long as she doesn’t’ get busted for public masturbation!

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