Roger Ebert vs Ryan Dunn

Yesterday’s post covered how Megan Fox’s big mouth deep sixed her car as a brainless sex kitten. When you’re a celebrity you have to think of your mouth as a loaded gun with a hare trigger – it could go off at the wrong time and ruin everything if you’re not careful with it. Just look at Mel Gibson! Speaking of drunk drivers that brings us to the sad case of Ryan Dunn. Dunn was the popular a star of the popular Jackass series. Ryan died the other day after a drunk driving accident. As it turned out Ryan had been in the bar drinking until about 2:00 in the morning, when he and a friend got into the car to make their way home. At 2:38 Dunn had a fatal accident. Witnesses from the bar say Dunn had at least 6 drinks over the course of the evening.

Tragedy brings out the jerk in celebs

That brings us to Roger Ebert. Ebert lately has a habit of indiscreet tweeting. He made some Mark Twain related comments, specifically about the use of some racially loaded terms in the author’s work, that raised some hackles. Ebert got a pass on that because his wife is black, much the way Ted Danson got a pass on his blackface routine back in his Friar’s Club days because he was dating Whoopee Goldberg. Ted didn’t get a complete pass cause he said some very bad shit; Whoopee defended him and then dropped him, and his motion picture career was over. Unlike Michael Richards he was still allowed to show his non blackened face in public and continued to get a measure of respect. How time’s have changed is something for Dr. Laura to sadly reflect on, and discuss with her 6000 Twitter followers (that’s a come down).

I have something to share with the world – my opinion!

Ebert’s latest unfortunate tweet involves Dunn. Though nobody asked him, Rog felt the need to share his opinion with the rest of the world. Must have something to do with being a film critic (bloggers have the same problem only moreso). Just after the news broke Ebert posted “Friends don’t let Jackasses drink and drive”. You can probably guess how that went down. Bam Magera responded “I just lost my best friend, I have been crying hysterical for a full day and piece of sh*t roger ebert has the gall to put in his 2 cents”. Bam later added, “Millions of people are crying right now, shut your fat f*cking mouth!” Rog sure is making cancer survivors look less sympathetic!

“Come on, I couldn’t have done anything worse than Tony Weiner!”

It get’s worse. Rog has a Facebook page. No celeb just as a Twitter page since you just can’t do you’re image enough damage with one outlet. You’ve got to have Facebook too. It’s kind of like shooting yourself in the foot with both barrels. Anyhow some of Dunn’s fans got quite upset about Mr Ebert’s comments, and so they complained to Facebook. Facebook to the step of deactivating Ebert’s page. Ebert didn’t take this too kindly, in fact he was more torn up about losing his page than the passing of Mr. Dunn. So Ebert once again took it upon himself to make his feeling public (he should probably stop doing that – at least for awhile). Ebert said, “Facebook has removed my page in response, apparently, to malicious complaints from one or two jerks”. Ebert added, “Facebook! My page is harmless and an asset to you. Why did you remove it in response to anonymous jerks? Makes you look bad”. It’s just peachy that he added the part about looking bad.

harmless ass refuses to be anonymous

Ebert should probably be thanking the good people at Facebook. With the way he’s been running his mouth lately he doesn’t need more medium. Basically they were exercising a discretion on his behalf that he has lately been unable to exercise for himself. Besides, he’s now dangerously close to the “3 strikes and you’re out” line. One more quip from Rog and the majority of his Twitter action might come from retweets by Dr Laura and the rest of the rogue’s gallery. Still you have to give him some credit. While he can be a jerk, he’s never been an anonymous jerk. Harmless asset might be overstating things though. I consider him more of a harmless ass. The only thumbs up this time is the one up his ass. Rog time to shut it before the gallery get’s closed indefinitely. Meanwhile the rest of us can only wonder what makes successful and supposedly intelligent people become self destructive fools the minute they get a Twitter account? There must be a little jackass in all of us – RIP Ryan Dunn!

BTW every fictitious person has a Twitter these days. Not just the professionally fictitious either, but some of the genuinely fictitious personalities!

Now here’s more in that Hollywood Mind Control series:

Update: Ebert fans, and those morbidly curious enough to wonder what he’ll say next, will be glad to hear that the complaining paid off. Ebert has his facebook page back!


Rush Fools In Where Angels Fear to Tread

What’s the difference between Gilbert Gottleib and Rush Limbaugh – Gottlieb doesn’t pretend to be a serious political commentator!

What can you say about a big fat pill head who shoots of his mouth public? Now I’m not referring to Alex Jones. Jones is cogent & thoughtful compared to this professional blowhard. The blowhard is Rush Limbaugh and regular listeners probably noticed that this dude’s mouth lost contact with his brain – which itself lost contact with reality so that’s a fine state of affairs – some time back – and started freewheeling. In fact it’s been freewheeling further and further off the beaten path & on on to the lunatic fringe.

Rush offer’s political commentary the way a backed up septic tank offers raw sewage

Now a lot of shit has come out of Limbaugh’s big gaping maw over the course of his bombastic and otherwise banal talk radio career, but the loud mouthed snook has recently out done himself. You might not believe what those loose lips recently let slip. Now for those unfamiliar with Limbaugh’s routine, he’s the guy who takes political commentary down to a carnival barker level. His usual spiel borders on the kill abortionist to respect he sanctity of life routine, or bring democracy to the rest of the world by bombing it flat. He supports mandatory gun owner ship for all America’s – especially deranged kooks who might take a shot at the president (Lush Dumbaugh might call that Tea Party Patriotism others might wonder whether years of pharmaceutical pill abuse have caused some serious brain damage), just in case the Russkies mount some kind of commie counter attack. I’m not sure how he stands on making use of the poor and down trodden in some Solyent Green type plan – but I hear he was a great fan of Swift’s Modest Proposal until some one explained to him that it was a satire. “You mean it’s a fairy story? Just like the Bible? Bah hum bug!” In other words he’s a pair of tinfoil under shorts away from being Glenn Beck.

… amd you thought Charlie Sheen was nuts!

Now when you got a big loose cannon of a mouth then you usually say some pretty outrageous things just as a matter of course. Stuff like “Eat the poor” and “bomb everything“, In other words he’s like Glenn Beck after a stroke. So when you shoot off on a level that makes Charlie Warlock Sheen sound calm, considered and rational, you got some real personal standard of psychosis to maintain. The one thing that you can say about the Rusher is that he’s got a real and undeniable talent for topping himself. To bad he doesn’t have more of a talent for stopping himself.

don’t tempt Mother Nature by driving a Prius

Top himself is what the big fat wind bag recently did on the subject of Japan. Now while the est of North America tormented them selves wit guilt about not doing more to help those poor wretches living over there in the disaster zone; homeless, with limited food and medicine, and often not enough room at the shelters; Rush as a different take on the situation. According to Rush Japan has no one else to blame for their current misfortune because Mother Gaia has malicious laid them low as her way for showing her appreciation for the Prius.

the electrical car will draw down the wrath of God

According to Lush Rimbaugh Japan went wrong went they got all ecological. They started flooding the America car market with all these eco responsible cars with the dinky lawn mower engines on an eco angle – instead of flooding he market with these huge tyrannosaurus rex gas guzzling hummers – Rush figures that this was some transparent attempt to suck up to Mother Earth – and being a woman, you can’t expect anything in the way of gratitude. You can only expect to be trampled under foot. So if you’re not willing to show Big Bitch who’s the boss you gotta expect to be trampled under earth after the Great Devouring Mother has gnawed the meat off your bones and finished sucking the marrow from your bones. So playing along ain’t gonna get you anywhere.

Ruch Limbaugh – an pill induced level of brain damage that makes Ann Coulter look like William F Buckley jr!

Lest Rush get upset and claim to have been misquoted by some Internet blogger, here’s the gist of what he did say on his Tuesday show. While discusing the whole subject of the Japan earthquake, The Rusher said – on the air – that:

“If these are the people that invented the Prius, have mastered public transportation, recycling, why did Mother Earth, Gaia if you will, hit them with this disaster?” “They’ve given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are recycling their garbage.” Here, he began to laugh, continuing, “and yet, Gaia levels them! Just wipes them out!”

“He’s right,” Limbaugh said. “They’ve given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are recycling their garbage.” Here, he began to laugh, continuing, “and yet, Gaia levels them! Just wipes them out!”

suck my goof balls

Now Rusher doesn’t exactly sound like like Mother Theresa. In fact he sounds like he’s back on those goof balls that every Republican condemns and every other republic secretly takes – like Rush himself. Though it must be said that an undisclosed number of those God fearing neocons (is the proper term “Neocon” or “Necrophile”? – I keep getting them confused) do that shit so that the they can score gay sex in public restrooms while adopting the wide stance in the hopes of some toe tapping fun with anonymous strangers! Keeping in touch with the public is what’s helped keep them relevant!

Gilbert the Gremlin

What the Rusher does sound like is one of those tactless stand up comedians like Gilbert Gottlieb who though that about 13 000 dead Japanese was fodder for crude humour. In fact Gilbert Goblips got taken to task over this shoot from the lip comedy. He lost his lucrative Afleck Duck gig. Since that was bout the only work he currently had, he’s know cooling his heels in the dog house without so much of a bone to gnaw on.

Will Lush Dumbaugh become the next Alex Jones? It’s a dicey business when you can’t control your big shit spewing mouth!

So if Gottlieb can get publicly reamed out for his tactless lack of basic humanity, can we we except a big fat pill addled loud mouth snook – who has basically blamed the Japanese for their own misfortunes – to make his way back to public creditability? Maybe after a brief rehab hiatus, some crocodiles tears, and a lot of transparent excuses? Since the Gottlieb precedent has already been set it might be time for Lush Rimbaugh to take a brief vacation from the talk radio circuit – just the way Dr Laura Schlesinger did after she had that unfortunate attack of Tourette’s Syndrome on the air (Laura S is currently discussing with her publicist the possibility of being bi polar – at least professionally – of course Flip Wilson describes that as “the devil made me do it“). If he can blame the whole incident on a pill addiction relapse, than he might be able to worm his way into Dr Drew’s Celebrity Rehab, an even eventually redemption.

Rush & Gottlieb – watch you step or your feet could wind up in your feet in your mouths again; not that there ain’t plenty of room in there for ’em

A lot of mea culpe’s and some crocodile tears and even that shit cannon of a mouth of his might one day be ready for a return to the airwaves, If he can play the bi polar angle, even he might even be able to work his way back into a broadcasting career via the reality TV rehab route. Word of advice to the Rusher though – in the unlikely event you ever find you self on radio in any capacity other than as Alex Jone’s comic foil side kick, you might want to get your brain in motion before that mouth of yours gets into gear. Your next attack of verbal diarrhea under the guise of no spin straight shootin’ commentary might be our very last, After that you won’t even find cartoon voice over work. Besides there are some eager cooperate spoketoones looking for work and eager to take you jobs!


2 1/2 Men On Indefinite Hiatus

@least this takes the pressure off of Lindsay Lohan!

getting by on the benefit of the doubt

By now everyone has heard the news about Charlie Sheen. He’s been getting more attention than Lindsay Lohan & Mohammar Quadaffi, put together. However to keep you up to speed: Charlie has been going through along steady fuck up every since he was married to Denise Richards. Back then they were at odds about Charlie’s refusal to get his daughters immunized (immunization is an Illuminati plot to spread autism), and his odd interests. Odd interests were porn and conspiracies with a side order of prescription pills. Since Charlie and Denise were splitting, and Denise was busy busting up another marriage on the side, every one assumed that she was a greedy manipulative slut. So Charlie got the benefit of the doubt.

here we go again

The benefit of the doubt allowed Charlie to get rid of Denise and move on to the next greedy manipulative slut. Their witches’ brew of a marriage came to a boil on Christmas (Illuminati Solstice Holiday!) in a Festivus type fuck up that had Charlie holding a knife on either Brooke, or the turkey! Since Mueller was a crack headed whore who’d done coke and gone to rehab while pregnant, no one was going to give her the benefit of the doubt, even if they were less willing to give to Charlie.

Bedlam @ The Hotel Califonrnia

With Brooke out of the way that left Charlie free to his own devices. His own devices included entertaining Denise and the kids while simultaneously fucking whores and trashing hotel rooms. In other words Charlie was flirting with self destruction in a style 60’s rock’n’roll martyrs would envy. He trashed a room in the Plaza Hotel, and a frightened porn actress hide in a cupboard. He caused $7000 in damage. He also gave some sleazy girls their first real taste of publicity!

a sudden violent hernia

While everyone else was asking “What next?” and “how far is this gonna go?” the CBS brass were trying to decide what they should do. Charlie is a big boy, and if he likes to party hardy, then how can you tell the guy what to do? You’re only his boss, not his mommy. Charlie was making some decisions too. Like having a massive porn & drugs blow out that landed him in the emergency ward with a “hernia“. “Hernia” is what you call a sudden violent attack of “celebrity dehydration“, or “exhaustion“.

rehab with assholes

Charlie was out soon enough, but some how everyone was more concerned with his state of mind than his hernia. Perhaps they missed the point, or maybe they ignored the memo. Anyway CBS finally decided that something had to be done. Since Charlie was reluctant to rehab with assholes under a bridge of trolls, that left the other alternative – hiatus.

Radio Free Tinfoil

At first this was only supposed to be temporary. However a lot of stories started coming out. Like the rumors about the 300 crew members losing their livelihoods. Also that Charlie had blown of rehab to do recovery at home, with hookers and tons of blow. So hiatus started looking less temporary. Then Charlie went nuts on the Alex Jones Show.

Broadcasting to the Tinfoil Nation

If you don’t know who Jones is he’s a Texas radio personality who got kicked off the air for being too over the top. He’s like Les Nessman on speed or something. Anyway Alex went straight on tot he Internet with a conspiracy based radio. After a few spots on Coast to Coast AM Jones was getting a following. That’s good cause Alex had tons of important news to share with the world: like fluoride cause brain damage, your light bulbs are spying on you, and wearing tinfoil while watching TV reduces the risk of epileptic seizures -which are a common side effect of Illuminati mind control technology!

I cured it with my mind, so kiss my alpha waves!

AS Charlie increasingly lost touch with reality he became increasingly involved with conspiracy theories. It happens; when life become surreal and difficult, the mind becomes more accepting of a deeper crazy madness behind the method. So with plenty of free time to kill, Charlie began listening more to Jones. He might have ordinarily slutted it up with his porn family but scrutiny made that impossible. A back up of unreleased semen combined with cocaine overload may have lead to what happened next.

flight of the moon bats

Charlie got himself worked up and decided to phone Alex on the air. This is the type of break everyone in media dreams of, so Alex let him right on. He also gave Sheen about 15 minutes ot vent whatever was on his mind. What was on his mind was some pretty disturbing ramblings filled with hyper defensiveness, and some violent symbolism. There were also some pointed remarks about his 2 1/2 Men boss ‘Little Hymie Lipschitz‘. Here are some excerpts from that interview:

technical difficulties – show canceled due to star’s malfunction

Now when that got out Charlie was toast. CBS immediately announced that the show was gone for the rest of the season. Since it was TV’s No 1 comedy, it puts extra pressure on the cast and crew of Big Bang Theory! It also has people wondering whether Charlie is in worse shape then they thought. Where as everyone figured hew as just some drug addict party boy, now they fear that the poor fellow may have lost his marbles. So there’s a lot of talk about having him committed. That may be why Charlie has fled the country – currently residing in Barbados. That puts him beyond the reach of those who want to intervene in his life.

As of now he’s out of the Major League remake, and 2 1/2 Men doesn’t look like it has a future either. The Charlie Sheen Story looks like it’s gonna knock everything else off of the headlines – stay tuned! Though the show is over, the story is “to be continued“! Many of us would be happy to have the story canceled and get the show back. Hopefully Charlie Sheen, a genuinely talented actor, can find some peace & grace before ‘what next‘ goes ‘too far‘.


Roger Ebert is sorry

American bigmouth

Just because you don’t have a voice doesn’t mean that you still can’t get your foot in your mouth. Take Roger Ebert for instance. Ebert is America’s foremost movie critic. Many have followed his career from back in his Sneak Previews PBS days, when he worked along side the late great Gene Siskel. Back then Siskel & Ebert kept viewers amused with their constant bickering about which movies were actually good. This made 2 good points: 1. that critics, like other experts disagree to the point where sensible people have to wonder whether their opinions are any better than the man in the street, & 2. if those two could actually agree on a flick then it just might be worth dropping ten bucks to see.

a star is born

Siskel died of brain cancer and Ebert went on with other co hosts, & in a network format. Like Cenk Uygur of the Young Turks, he’d out grown the show that made him a star and was now ready for prime time. He even went on to find love, and married a high powered lawyer. It wasn’t all wine and roses though, as Ebert developed a case of cancer that resulted in his lower jaw being removed. Though doctors begged him to have reconstructive surgery that might restore his voice, Ebert claimed that he was worn out from cancer treatments, and was content to leave well enough alone – in that area of his life anyway.

I’ve got something to share with the world – my opinion!

In other areas Ebert was still willing to stir the shit. With the use of internet technology, we hard more from Rog than ever before, as he took to Twitter and blogging to share his opinions with the world. Everything from reincarnation to Pres Obama was fair game, and Rog let fly with wanton abandon.

Huck Finn or fuck him?

Now when you run your lip that much sooner or later you’re gonna say something that gets you in shit – believe me. Well sooner or later has come to pass and Rog has some explaining to do. It all started when Rog took to Twitter – the source of so much celebrity mischief – to take on the controversial Huck Finn issue.

sound and fury

To bring everyone up to speed Huck Finn was written by Mark Twain and is considered a classic of world literature. It also uses certain words that are not in accept usage anymore, like a certain pejorative term for black folk. That word begins with N, ends in G, and can cost you plenty if you say it right out. For those who doubt that words have power Dr Laura and Don Imus can probably tell you that uttering this hateful term is like playing with fire. The racially charged term cost Imus his dubious career as a talk radio crank, and it sent Dr Laura in to the wilderness of Sirius satellite radio.

ever the Twain

The term is so racially charged that it’s gotten Twain banned from most high schools, and might even qualify his work as hate literature under Canadian law. That’s where things get akward. Since Twain is a classic, you can’t really teach modern lit without reference to him. So the compromise is a rewrite where the offensive term is replaced with the word “slave“. If some simple rewrites have been good enough for the Bible, then they should be good enough for Twain. Especially since the replacement term in no way alters the spirit of the book.

license rearranged spells silence

Purist take issue though. They object to the altering of even a jot or tittle of world lit, on the grounds that good writing is sacred, and sacred means license to offend. So a classic book is untouchable, unless it’s a matter of foreign language translation in which case it’s free to be butchered like a chop on a meat room cutting table. To this end Ebert rushed in where angels, or anyone with even am odicum of common sense, would fear to tread, and took on the weighty Twain issue.

Twitter twister

Roger used his medium of choice – Twitter, to defend Twain’s right to use the N word. he claimed for instance that slave was an even more offensive term. He went on to point out that he’d rather be called a N than a slave. I guess he felt that since he is married to black woman he had a right to such statements in the same way the Ted Danson felt that dating Whoopee Goldberg gave him the right to show up at the Friar’s Club in black face. Maybe Danson felt that minstrel show black face was an important part of America’s cultural heritage and dating Ms Goldberg now gave him the opportunity to defend the practice. Whoopee seemed to think different. Though she defended Danson for awhile, they went their separate ways soon enough.

in other words

I guess that Ebert caught it from his missus soon enough too. Once the fuss started to reach shit storm proportions Ebert took to Twitter once again to state the obvious, and something he probably should have thought of before sharing his opinions with the world: that since he’s never been called a slave or an N he really had no business expressing such opinions. It’s just plain ignorant to assume you can express knowledgeable opinions about stuff beyond your personal experience (though if professional communicators strictly adhered to that principle most of them would be out of business, or at least restricted to occasional part time out bursts). In other words Ebert is sorry.

a straw for Dr Laura?

In a way the story is kind of inspiring. For one thing it shows that the handicapped can over come their barriers and limitations to go on and make the same stupid mistakes as the able bodied. Stupidity can be a great equalizer in that way. It also highlights Ebert appalling lack of judgment. For one thing we might be hearing from Dr Laura soon, claiming that this was the point she was trying to make back when she had that unfortunate on air attack of Tourette’s Syndrome (and they say that Megan Fox says stupid stuff! Never would her hotness ever be heard using such discouraging words -so give the little lady a damned break already!). She might see this as her ticket out of the wilderness, and we only just got rid of her!

pissing off the missus

For another thing it highlights something really important. Ebert is married to a black woman. Marriage is a very deep human bond. It connects two people on a level deeper than race, culture, nationality, religion, friendship, or even family (“for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife, and the two shall become one person“). So far from giving Ebert a license to use racially charged language, it should have reminded him of something most sensible married men know, and that is that you don’t piss off your wife for anything in this world. That is not unless you want your life to be made a living hell right up to the day she finally slips the arsenic into your morning coffee. That will only happen after she feels you’ve suffered enough, so the day won’t be soon coming. It might highlight something else too, as Jerri Blank in Strangers With Candy would say “It’s wrong to encourage the handicapped, they’ll only go out and hurt themselves“. If Mrs Ebert is reading this I can only ask her to go easy on Rog. He’s not used to dealing with women. So let him off with a slap on the wrist this time. You might try asking him whether he prefers being called cripple or gimp, for instance. Or just unplug his voice modulator every now and then. That might inspire him to reflect on issues about which he has personal experience!

from old jerks to Young Turks!

Now here are those Young Turks, sans Cenk, with their always lively take on the issues!

Now here’s a little music video dedication to Cenk, and his merry band of media outlaws!

In conclusion what can be said except watch for more celebrities to flirt with danger by messing with that word again sometime in the near future. They seem to have some irresistible attraction to the term the requires them to seek out excuses for using it.


Drunken Mel Gibson calls Jewish Winona Ryder an Oven Dodger

Neigh & Winnie

Winona Ryder: Genre babe of the week #23

Winona Ryder has been called many things over the course of her career: a beautiful woman, a talented actress, occasionally “Wanna Ride Her“, and once something very objectionable by disgraced superstar Mel “Worse Than OJ Simpson” Gibson. It was a comment that put Winona ahead of the curve on what sort of fellow Gibson is, and the sort of comment that he was later to become infamous for.

Allie Macabre

This all began back about 15 years ago. It was a simpler and more innocent day when Robert Downey jr. was still on the skids, or worse doing Allie MacBeal (she’s some good feel!). Back then Mel was the most popular leading actor in Hollywood, next to fellow superhunk Tom Cruise. Winona still had a thriving career as a pretty and talented leading lady in character type roles. Her melancholy good looks and screen presence had put her on the upswing in Hollywood. Within a short time she would be starring opposite Angelina Jolie in Girl Interrupted, and then go on to get caught with sticky fingers in a series of embarrassing shoplifting cases (Winona has issues ranging from prescription drug abuse to kleptomania). Next stop would be obscurity. At the time of the incident that train wreck had yet to leave the station. Winona still had a viable career presence in Hollywood. Viable enough to get into some A List mega parties. Parties like the one where she crossed paths with Archie Bunker on Methamphetamine Mad Mel Gibson!

“You ain’t all that and a bag of chips!”

As Winona recalls in a recent GQ interview she was at one of those mega parties with a gay friend of hers when who should she run into but Mel all drunk and belligerent like. Mel opens his yap an immediately makes some kind of anti gay slur. Winona thinks to herself “OMG” – or whatever people at the time thought of instead of OMG – “This guy’s anti gay“. She still goes right on talking though cause this is Hollywood, the guy is Mel Gibson, and gay acceptance is still waiting for Will & Grace to carry the cause over the mainstream threshold.

Mad to the Max

So Winona bravely disregards the feelings of her gay friend and keeps chatting away with Gibson (there’s no folk like show folk). Some where between the jigs and the reels it slips out that Winona is Jewish. Her actual last name is Horowitz. Everyone knows how Mel is about the Chosen People. They set him off like a Jihadist at a Koran burning. So Mel, liquored up, makes a remark to Ms. Horowitz about her being an “oven dodger“.

“Are they like the LA Dodgers or something?”

The ‘oven dodger’ crack takes a little while to register on Winnie. Maybe at first she thought it had something to do with her escaping a life of domestic servitude and drudgery. Probably she was much to out of it for anything to register on her right away. Then slowly 2 and 2 come together and she realizes that she’s been called something a lot more offensive than “Sugartits“. No word on whether or not Ms. Ryder continued the small talk after that remark, but she does go on to say something like ‘I knew he was a racist homophobe 15 years before any of you and no one would believe me just because I was a fucked up mess!

He has swastika underpants – we get it!

It’s not like Winnie rated high on the creditability scale. She was to rate rock bottom on it in a short time and some shop lifting sprees later. You have to give her credit: even a stopped clock is right twice a day! Also you have to ask “Why speak up now if you knew for 15 years?” Part of the reason was the no one was ready to listen. The more important reason is that the 39 year old Ryder has finally managed to claw her way back from Sean Young like obscurity to a supporting role in the new Natalie Portman flick Black Swan. Ryder plays a washed up ballerina in that and is anxious for it to do well so that she can stop playing a washed up actress in real life! She can also get back to boosting from LA’s finer boutiques.

leave Mel alone?

Since Mel is a magnet for publicity these days dragging him into it might help her film in some way that only Winnie’s pilled out unstable brain can fathom. It ain’t gonna do anything for Mel’s Beaver film. Then again Mel has been done for a while now. At worst this is only the final nail in the career coffin. As for Winnie she working and flat on her back back on the map. No word on whether Winnie has opened a Twitter account yet.


Chelsea Handler continues to kiss Aniston’s ass

foul mouthed chelsea handler continues to slag angelina jolie and kiss jennifer aniston's ass after calling the a list jolie a fucking homewrecking cuntA few days ago Chelsea Handler made the cheap shot heard around the world – she told a drunken heckler to sit down and shut up! Then she called Angelina Jolie a “fucking cunt” and a “fucking whore“. That was right after she mentioned something about homewrecking. The references go back a little ways to when Jolie hooked up with Brad Pitt, there by causing the demise of his marriage to Aniston. Jen took that kind of hard. She never seemed to bounce back – well she did and then some professionally but personally she seemed a little like a boat without a rudder as she drifted from one PR staged relationship to another.

Jen hasn’t been a total recluse. She’s kept company and passed time with a small inner circle of close trusted associates – or ‘friends’ if you will. There’s been Courtney Cox and her erstwhile husband Baby Boy David Arquette. These days there has been Chelsea Handler. She’s kept Aniston company on some recent trips south of the border of those kind of vacations that middle aged women at loose ends have: Aniston on the weed and Handler juiced on vodka and hitting on anything that moved. Some might question whether that makes up for the lack of a cxlose personal romantic relationship. Handler’s doing her best to fill the void. In fact these days Handler is getting so sucky with Aniston that Jen’s ass is getting kissed more than Oprah Winfrey’s by non lesbian Gayle King.

Ass Kissing is a strong phrase but there doesn’t seem anything else to call it. Many speculated that her whole Jolie is a cunt stunt was a way of stroking her celebrity friend. Handler does have a history of getting personal to get on in the world. She got her show back when she was still dating E Channel’s head.

Now Handler has come out and more or less admitted that her Angelina rant was a Team Aniston thing. In one of her recent clarifications Handler admitted to admiring Aniston whom she’s descries as incredibly funny. She then goes on to say that Jolie – on the other hand – is an insincere woman (nice way of saying bitch) whom she can’t make herself like. Those comments, which probably didn’t help much, were given to non other than Katie Couric, in Glamor Mag, & here they are verbatim:

KATIE COURIC: Is there anybody who really makes you laugh? A woman who really makes you laugh, other than me?
CHELSEA HANDLER: Jennifer Aniston makes me laugh. She’s irreverent and hilarious, and she sends me really, really funny e-mails.
KATIE COURIC: She’s funny?
KATIE COURIC: And speaking of that, wow, girl, you went off on Angelina Jolie recently.
CHELSEA HANDLER: Yeah, I’m not a fan. She just doesn’t come off to me as a sincere woman. She seems like a woman that you’d really want to avoid.

There you have it – Aniston is a fantastic woman who would never remove an orphan from their natural environment for her own selfish personal ends! That’s a bit more understated than Handler’s used to, so you can tell what a big deal this is. You can also tell exactly how Handler feel’s because even though she’s in damage control spin mode she still doesn’t bother to hide her feelings. The spin is right out there for everyone to see – just like Fox News. So I guess that she deserves some credit for sticking to her guns a little. Next time though, it might be a good idea not to go off half cocked.


Chelsea Handler Fucks Up

“I’ve been making fun of Angelina Jolie since she made out with her brother,”

Chelsea Handler managed to get herself some major attention recently. Ms Handler was doing a stand up performance when one of the young women in the audience got a little rowdy. Chelsea told the bitch to shut the fuck up (Handler can get mouthy when she’s been drinkin’), pointing out that drunken heckling wouldn’t be a good memory for the woman the following day. It might not have been a good memory for Chelsea either because next she started into a tirade about Angelina Jolie. Basically she called Jolie a “homewrecker“. That’s not telling tales out of school. However her next comments went a little over the line, maybe. Handler referred to Jolie’s comments about not having many female friends and stated “Of course not, because you’re a fucking cunt and a fucking bitch!” That was the cheap shot heard round the world.

troublesome cable transmissions

Naturally that provoked something of a backlash. Jolie’s fans, and she still has them (though not as many as Sarah Palin!), were irate. They took to internet message boards in droves calling Handler a drunken skank with about as much sense of humour as Sarah Silverman on the rag(now that’s offensive!). Lot’s of old business got churned up too: like her numerous hook ups, and her relationship with Ted Harbert, president and CEO of Comcast’s entertainment division (which owns E! channel). It was pointed out that since she was dating the guy who basically gave her a show she didn’t have to be any funnier than Silverman back when she was dating Jimmy Kimmel (and still had a comedy career). BTW Habert is not to be confused with Brian Roberts who is the pres of Comcast. Harbert is the Handler guy, while Roberts is the one who told Bill Gates to shut the fuck up when the Microsoft chair tried to sell TV exces the same flaky tech for cable transmission that proved so troublesome to IBM.

The Gates’ incident occurred back in the days when Bill was at the height and zenith of his power. He’d arranged a big sit down with the TV people, Roberts among ’em, and then went into his hi powered sales routine. Bill had this new tech that he promised would revolutionize the TV industry. The tech in question was a device in the form of a box that was to be mounted on top of TV sets.

big bang theories

Naturally the box would run on a Microsoft operating system. Microsoft would then charge the companies their usual licensing fee for the software. This was the same set up as MicroS (or MSoft if you prefer)had with Big Blue and their PC’s. Now some folk think that the arrangement didn’t work out so well for IBM (the McLuhanists maintain that IBM merely missed the point. They were still back in the industrial age and selling computers like farm equipment. As Marshall McLuhan himself pointed out, they failed to realize that they were really in the information business!).

nerds of note

Well Bill concludes his big deal presentation and then sits back to see what the prospective costumers think. Gates didn’t have to wait long for feedback. It was Comcast Pres Roberts who piped up, saying “Well, Bill, let me be the first to say, ‘No fucking way.’” Perhaps the whole IBM thing had soured him. Then again nerds with Asperger’s Syndrome don’t always hit it off in the world of entertainment (unless their Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg). Of course the story is apocryphal, which means that it may never have happened – so the story has a place here!

Hollywood gone Riverdale

Anyway back to Chelsea and that big mouth of hers. Handler’s mouth has always been loaded for big game. That should be no surprise. It’s also no surprise that she’s a good friend of Jolie’s feared nemesis Jennifer Aniston. To update the half dozen people in the world who don’t know Aniston is the gal that homewrecking cunt Angelina Jolie stole Brad Pitt from. That was back during the filming of Mr & Mrs Smith, and has lead to America’s longest running real life soap opera as the threesome (Brad, Jolie, & Jen) continue to act out the whole Archie, Betty, & Veronica routine before an enthralled public.

release dates & keeping up with Kardashian

talk show host and comedienne chelsea handler shows her support for good friend jennifer aniston by calling rival angelina Jolie a homewrecker and a fucking cunt during a live stand up routineWhile Brad and Angelina raided the third world for chic causes to support and adorable orphans to adopt, Jen moped around. She made some halfhearted stabs at romance; usually with her co stars and usually at about the time of her films’ release dates. The relationships generally broke up after the 1st or 2nd week’s box office returns came in, causing some to speculate that the hook ups were promotional stunts, like Kim Kardashian’s Gabriel Aubry hook up. Kardashian will do anything to hype herself including date Justin Bieber – sort of, pose in a coffin, and quit Twitter. Publicity’s been a down hill slide for her, and about the only stunt she hasn’t pulled is posing on a platter with an apple in her mouth, Hawaiian luau style! She’s kind of like Lady Gaga without the talent & flair.

who’s afraid of the big bad bunny?

Speaking of Kardashian she may as well be Anna Nicole Smith without the drama. Anna Nicole was an example of what can happen when bunnies go bad, and was a kind of contrast to Pamela Anderson. Anderson was also a proud graduate of the Playboy School of Self Exploitation. Whereas Anderson was a good Canadian bunny who was gracious and grateful for her opportunities, took a bit part in a popular comedy, and then went on to become successful by finding a project she could do in a bathing suit; Anna Nicole Smith was the big bad bunny who married a decrepit Mr. Burns type billionaire for money (unless she had even creepy reasons and with Anna, let’s face it, who knows), quarreled with her family on the nightly news (remember her “Bring it on Momma” to her mother Virgie Arther back on an old ABC Dateline?), and work in reality TV. In many ways her life was reality TV. Not that this has anything to do with Brangeliniston.

Cox the fox & entertainment gravitas

What does have to do with Brangliston is Jennifer Aniston who when we left her was moping and pining around with her co stars. You can only do that for so long until it becomes monotonous (and when has America’s favorite triangle ever been anything but monotonous?) so Jen worked in some new moves like hangin’ with Courtney Cox. That relationship must’ve gotten strained about the time of Cox’s David Arquette troubles. Divorce talk would’ve brought back bad memories and besides, Arquette’s issues are just so creepy what with the “Mommy, Mommy!” and the allegedly thumb sucking (unless that’s apocryphal too)! So Aniston gravitated to some one more fun, like Chelsea Handler!

“Weren’t you Jennifer Aniston” & heavy duty female bonding

Aniston and Handler have been paling around together lately. The gals were recently down inn San Cabo, Mexico where the ladies indulged in the favorite pastimes together: Aniston toked up while Helsea Chandler got juiced on vodka and hit on random men. Anyway it made a nice change from weepy Courtney. Plus it had the added advantage of making Aniston seem relevant by hanging with a cool edgy comedy chick, while Chelsea enjoyed being mistaken for Aniston by locals! So with all that heavy duty female bondage bonding going on Chelsea was bound to get feeling protective about her powerful new friend. That’s what probably lead to Handler’s on stage outburst. That and perhaps a 5th of Jack Daniels.

Jolier than thou and the biggest baddest bunny of them all!

That brings us up to the backlash. Handler might not have been expecting that since if she had she wouldn’t have said it (unless that was all part of the plan!). Besides, as as a more toned down Handler has been recently explaining in her numerous recent damage control statements she’s always made fun of Jolie. She’s been making fun of Jolie for 5 years or more. In fact she’s been making fun of Jolie from back in the days when Jolie restricted her sexual activities to friends and allegedly close blood relatives, and well before she became a home wrecking cunt bitch whore on a one woman jihad against marriage – or what ever it was that Handler recently called her.

the beef goes on!

Handler makes a good point there. Not that Jolie is a home wrecking cunt bitch whore on a one woman jihad against marriage; but that she’s been making these jokes for an awfully long time. It’s safe for her to say that because this whole damned thing has been going on for a long time, a damned long time. Brangeliston has been a tabloid – late night monologue mainstay for years. So much so that it’s surprising that anyone still pays attention. Even more so since Brangeliston, like Chandler herself, has been short on fresh material lately. So that being said It’s surprising that anyone still cares enough about Brangeliston to still pay attention, let alone care enough to work up the bile required to get outraged and storm the Internet. Or as Chelsea might say “So what’s the big deal?


Dr Laura Flips Out On The Air

teleshrink caught on air with foot in mouth

Dr. Laura Schlesinger can be pretty abrupt. Her recent show is no except. When confronted by caller Jade (probably not her real name) who complained about having to deal with racist house guests since getting into an inter racial marriage – Laura told the woman to lighten up. After asking the woman whether she was one of those hyper sensitive types, Dr. S went on to tell the woman that she should try to see the humour in her guests degrading and disrespectful comments. “You saw the movie ‘White Guys Can’t Jump’ right, and that was funny!”

not racist, just rhetorically ham fisted

Dr Laura has gone on to apologize for her comments. She’s claims that she was trying to make a philosophical point and got carried away. She also claims that she was immediately mortified. She did infant pull out of the last hour of her show – probably with her career flashing in front of her eyes.

“Damn! The only way I can come back from something like this is by coming out as gay!”

Maybe Laura was trying to make some point about racial over sensitivity: when are overt references to race not racist? However she picked a half assed way of doing it. In fact she seems so determined that she missed the answer she usually gives other callers in similar non race related situations; that you have the right to bar anyone dangerous, crazy, or annoying from your home. Dr Laura might find her own show banned from people’s homes as the public tries to decided if she’s moved from the annoying category into the other 2.

“What was I thinking? I can’t get away with that in the cut throat talk radio market!!”

Still you’ve got to hope that Schlessie pulls out of this. Despite her faults and excesses she is entertaining. Besides do you really want to see her go onto a career in rehabbing wayward celebrities?


Gisele Bundchen pisses off every woman in America!

gisele bundchen annoys millions of women by trying to subject their breast to the lawIn case any one was wondering what Gisele Bundchen was going to do with herself now that her career as an overpriced clothes horse is drawing to a close – don’t worry, she has a back up plan. It involves more than attending New England Patriots games too! Gisele has decided to try her hand at being a great big loud mouth!

Bunder’s blunders

Sometime shortly after giving birth Bunders realized that she had something to share with the world – her opinion. She was was so sure that even though she’s only been a mom for a few short months, she figured that she could help all those stupid bitches out there get it straight. So Bunders loaded up that great gaping yap of her’s and then let fly – like a blunderbuss.

“There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”

Gisele started on an issue close to her heart and something that many women are bound to feel sensitive about – boobs motherhood. Bunders said in an interview that there should be a law forcing every woman who has recently given birth to breast feed for a minimum of 6 months.

“Some people here [in the US] think they don’t have to breastfeed and I think, ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your children when they are so little?”‘

Bunders said some other stuff too (“Meditation prepared me mentally and physically. I wasn’t expecting someone else to get the baby out of me”) but it all boiled down to the same shit: “I am not only better than you as a woman, but also as a mother!” Naturally some broads out there took this as criticism or something. So the shit hit the fan. That had Bunders doing some frantic back peddling, on the advice of her managers (part of whose job it is to keep Bunders’ great lumbering No 12 clod hoppers out of her mouth).

I can explain!

In a slightly incoherent blog statement Bunders explained that when she said that there ought a be a world wide law, she didn’t mean to to imply that it should have anything to do with the law – or in Bunders own words “My intention in making a comment about the importance of breastfeeding has nothing to do with the law.” Which is of course why she brought up the law, because it didn’t have anything to do with what she was talking about. Well that was clarifying, or in other words “You can stop talking now, dear – so STFU!”

Naturally people are pissed but many want to give Bunders the benefit of the doubt. After all she’s a model and most of them aren’t Mensa material or anything. So maybe she just didn’t know what the fuck she was saying. I’d buy that except that Bunders has on other occasions shown a steak of cattiness lurking behind that big dumb grin. When Tom Brady’s ex Bridget Moynahan gave birth to her son John, Bunders publicly laid claim to the lad with words to the effect of “I don’t care if he’s already got a mother – the kid’s mine! I’ve already got Moynahan’s man so why shouldn’t I have her son too?” Now that’s not exactly ver batim, but the words were to that effect. She also sent Briget a baby gift basket with a mini “supermodel” T shirt included.

It’s too soon to say if a pattern of hoof in mouth disease is developing. However one thing we know about celebrities is that they love attention. When they can’t get it by taking their clothes off and posing for pictures, then some times they’ll try and get it by shooting off their big mouths and becoming public nuisances. So Bunders may be moving on to Plan B – a career as an outspoken idiot and a thoughtless opinionated asshole.

If that’s what she’s got in mind then she should probably forget it. We’ve seen how well verbal diarrhea worked out for Megan Fox (man were her 15 minutes up quick!). Bundchen might even enjoy continued notoriety by taking up something related to the entertainment field. Perhaps even sports. With her stature and physique she’d be a shoe in at the Kentucky Derby. Besides a really strong bridle might even help her with that annoying verbal run on problem. Giddy up girl!

BTW brace yourself for next week’s issue of the Pulitzer nominated National Enquirer!

national enquirer
Meanwhile from the good people @Star & associates:

Star People Us Weekly In Touch Life & Style OK

Bitter Twitter – Greasy Bear Lashes Out

Bitter Twitter - Greasy Bear Lashes OutIf your ex is fat, does that make you a fat fucker?

Brandon Davis
is more than just a big fat fucker an oil fortune heir. He’s dated a bevy of Hollywood hotties. He’s the one who christened Lindsay Lohan Firecrotch. He’s perhaps best known for using some racist language while out with good friend Paris Hilton. That got taped and wound up on TMZ or something. Since Davis isn’t really a celebrity – just a hanger on, nothing much came of it. People were irked, but it’s not like he had a show they could boycott. It’s another case of “I’m a jerk, but I’m rich, so deal with it!”

Big fat loud mouth

So Brandon’s mouth has gotten him some negative attention in the past. Now that mouth of his has Twitter to work with. Just imagine the possibilities. Well in this case you don’t have to imagine cause Brandon has taken to tweeting on the subject of an ex. She’s a girl who’s had her own over publicized up’s and down’s, she’s Mischa Barton.

Davis blows it out of proportion – Mischa ain’t a Dancing With The Stars case!

Now Misch is far from fat. Maybe Brandon is referring to that ‘wisdom tooth’ picture that got so much coverage (especially right here). To refresh memories Mischa was seen out looking no heavier than usual, but with her face badly swollen. She claimed that she had a botched wisdom tooth removal. Everybody said “Yeah sure”, over and over and over again and again. Several weeks later she went 5150 and people forgot about her face and wanted to know what was happening in her head. Meanwhile Mischa’s figure remained fairly constant through out her hi profile meltdown & recovery. Mischa’s head went back to worrying about people noticing her face. It really was a learning experience.

Brandon’s wrong about the fat, but at least his boobs are bigger than Barton’s!

Now what makes this whole thing kind of odd is that Brandon is kinda heavy himself (I won’t say fat). More than that the kid is sweaty, and that sweat is pretty low viscosity (Hence his Greasy Bear moniker). When he perspires it’s like he’s shedding lard. So how does he figure he can cheap shot some one else? Well he a ‘sort of’ celeb: he doesn’t have to be justified, only noticed and talked about. With that in mind here’s a little picture of the Greasy Bear for you to notice and talk about. A wide screen will be helpful.

Bitter Twitter - Greasy Bear Lashes Out

Carrey On Twitter

Brandon will get through this. It’s not that people eventually forgive him, they just quickly forget him. Besides worse things have been said by better people. Like $20 million a movie funny man Jim Carrey. Carrey recently tweeted in Tiger Woods’ defense. Hot on the heels of his own break up Carrey posted something to the effect that Elin Nordgren must’ve known the score and went along for the perks. Now Jim was just saying what everyone else is thinking – so everyone got mad at him. If people wanted other people to know what they were thinking than they’d say it themselves, and maybe even get a blog. Jim should’ve known better.

confessions of a Nazi love slave

In fact there are still some people willing to give him the benefit of the doubt about that. They assume that Carrey must’ve been making an oblique reference to his own relationship with former Singled Out host and Autism research pioneer Jenny McCarthy. Those unwilling to speculate are assuming that Carrey is just an ass sometimes. At least he didn’t weigh in on the even more highly charged Sandra BullockJesse James fiasco. No one is gonna tolerate him implying that Sandra is a closet Nazi or anything – well not right now but who knows what else sex tape there is waiting to come out sex tape. There has to be a good reason sex tape she hasn’t filed papers yet, I mean besides her sex tape desire to raise his kids.

Slippery Sloppy Slopes

Back to Greasy Bear – his little blurts pale in comparison to a genuine celebrity outrage. Granted the lad won’t win any beauty contests, but at least he’s not Jon Gosselin! Why there may even be an eligible former lovely out there just waiting for a guy like him. She’s got no standards, she’s drowning in debt, she’ll do anything for money, and is even sweatier than he is. That would be Pamela Anderson.

pix courtesy of TMZ

Platinum Pam

Pam fell into the debt hole after having extensive renovations done on her LA pad. She thought that platinum was a daring choice for pool tile, and so had it put it. She also paid for $100 grand in artificial snow to Canadian up one of her LA pool parties. That combined with a lot of mismanagement and a rumored ferocious drug habit and Pam found herself owing about a million dollars that she wasn’t in a position to pay.

Stacked and half assed

Pam started by cutting back. She moved into a trailer park while her house was getting finished. Then she started dating her electrical contractor. She dumped him shortly after the renovations were completed so I assume Pam didn’t feel like paying in cash. After that she latched onto designer Richie Rich to make a half assed attempt to hype her half assed clothing line. BTW Pam also has a half assed fragrance, and even made a personal appearance at an Illinois Sears mall to promote it (Sears – how half assed is that)! Pam also exposed herself pretty often throughout.

dizzy dancer is a handful

That brings us to Dancing With The Stars – were celebrity careers go to die. Pam is up against the like s of Kate Gosselin and Erin Andrews. Pam looks like she might be the next to go. That probably explains why she can’t get enough dancing these days. Pam was recently spotted dancing up a storm at Guys & Dolls. She also did some heavy flirting with her partner. The general consensus amongst spectators was that Pam was out of it. When she emerged from the club Anderson was too impaired to stand up. She was helped out by club security, who had to maneuver the buxom blonde and her immense assets out the front door. Now that took some deft handling! Pam was disheveled, sweaty and covered in various stains when she faced the paparazzi on the side walk. Here’s some video of that, and I warn you it’s disturbing!

So hopefully if Brandon has learned anything from this whole despicable Twitter incident (and that’s doubtful because celebs never learn – that’s one of their problems) it’s that everyone has their flaws and their off days. So taking a cheap shot at a person’s physical appearance or their misfortune is just tacky, especially when your own character issues are a huge target. If you want to be tacky then get yourself a blog!

BTW if you want to keep current with the latest celebrity gossip, & get the details then Eat.Sleep.Celebrity is one of the best sources on the net.

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