Andy still a dick

Even Gloria Allred wouldn’t touch this!

I’d say that Andy Dick is still fighting his demons except that these days his demons are probably ashamed to be seen with him. That doesn’t mean that Andy is ashamed to show his face out in public, and his his usual condition too; drunk and disorderly! Seems that Andy was out and about down in Temecula, CA. That’s ’cause fashionable LA establishments won’t let him on their premises. Anyway Andy was enjoying himself in a local restaurant when he got a little too high spirited. That’s a polite euphemism for got drunk out of his mind and made a fool of himself.

everyday is a reality TV episode

Now there’s no word yet on what sort of tomfoolery Andy was involved in (I’m assuming that it was more than a nipple slip), but it did result in the usual visit from the cops. Andy got charged with a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct with alcohol. Then he was escorted off the premises and to the nearest drunk tank. It must be reassuring to know that there are some establishments that still welcome him; even if it’s only into the Lindsay Lohan suite. Anyway Andy got some time to sober up and enjoy some complimentary jail house hamburgers before paying his $500 fine and being released. So he is once again free to pursue his new career as a public nuisance! Oh yeah, and he also got this nifty mugshot as a little memento!

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Uploaded with ImageShack.us

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Charlie Sheen Replacing Jon Cryer With Andy Dick!

The face is familiar & I never forget a Dick!

https://i2.wp.com/www.usmagazine.com/uploads/assets/articles/39305-charlie-sheens-10-craziest-quotes/1299088968_charlie-206.jpgCharlie Sheen lives & breathes total fucking bitch assness! Maybe that’s why some want to learn his ways. Like Andy Dick. To be fair Dick has been studying from the Book of Charlie – also known as The Hollywood Warlocks Manuel for Living With Fire Breathing Awesomeness – for some time. That means Dickie is no stranger to coke, whores, and making a public spectacle out of himself. He got into as bust up with SNL alum Jon Lovitz over some tasteless comments Dick made about then late Phil Hartman, a friend of Lovtiz’s. So Lovitz knocked him the fuck out like a spider monkey with viper venom in his veins! He’s also exposed himself numerous times, and groped numerous bystanders. His most recent fuck up was shaking his swizzle stick at a passing tour bus full of celebrity gawkers down in LA while hollering out “Wait! Stop! It’s me, Andy Dick!” Most recent until this that is.

The Warlock’s Apprentice

According to the source of all half truths, The National Enquirer, Dick was recently caught out in a nightclub making a fool of himself, or Living It to the Limit Hollywood Warlock Style With A Live Grenade in Each Hand & a Flame Thrower Between His Legs. That’s Sheenspeak for fucking up with whores and coke in front of an audience!

Dick & co. are smokin’ in the boy’s room!

https://i1.wp.com/www.nationalenquirer.com/images/ne/210126/71954.jpgThe scene of the crime was Corner Club in Woodland Hills, CA. The time was Feb 24, back when the whole Sheen brouhaha was just getting warmed up. Dick was getting warmed up too. According to a source on the scene Dick & a female companion made their way to a restroom, where they misused the facilities! By misused I mean that they beginning treating the Men’s Room like it was some sort of social club, instead of as God and city zoning by laws intended. After Dick and his goddess finished making friendly, Dick went out in the parking lot to do a dope deal, then came back and made friendly. Here’s the way it went down according to The National Enquirer!

“I walked in and I saw that freak Andy Dick sucking on a woman’s (slang for breast)” the source divulged.

“They didn’t even care or acknowledge me,” said the source. “He was all over her in the men’s bathroom, she was lifting her shirt and he was kissing her naked breasts.”

After about 15 minutes Dick and his friend went to a car in the parking lot where the source heard Dick say “give me the coke, give me the coke,” to his friend.

While snorting cocaine off a CD cover while in his car, Dick’s gal pal lifted up her shirt and he continued to kiss her naked chest.

“They were in their own little world,” the source said about the pair who were sitting in the car with the door open in the bar parking lot while Dick snorted the cocaine.

“He was oblivious to everything except the cocaine and the woman with him.”

If you can’t shine like Sheen, then don’t be a Dick

Now everyone can relate to the desire to be more like Sheen. He’s special. He’s certainly got poetry in his fingertips! However you don’t have to take the routine to bitch ass Martian rock star extremes. If you do you will die and your face will melt off! So you have to find a side effect free version of a drug called Charlie Sheen. Something safe and approved for everyday life! Like the Mad Lib Generator over @ Vanity Fair! By plugging in the appropriate nouns and verbs, this Sheenspeaking program will allow you to whiz out a paragraph that Hunter S Thompson might have been impressed with! You can do it without making a Dick of yourself too! Although making a Dick out of one’s self sounds like it could have it’s moments!

Mad Lib like Charlie Sheen with Vanity Fair!

“I am on a drug. It’s called Wondertrash. If you try it once, you will freak the fuck out. Your erection will melt off, and your whores will jolt over your fucked body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not dumbwad—a total freaking 007 killer spy from Uranus. I’ve got wildebeest blood, Apollo DNA! … They picked a fight with a gremlin. They’re trying to take all my Amazons and leave me with no means to create my family. It’s not theoretical physics! They owe me an apology while whacking my balls … I don’t think people are ready for the turd I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of fucked up love. I exposed hordes to magic! Here’s your semen test. Next one goes in your anus!”

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BTW, PS, & Ad nauseam

PS. You’ve probably seen Boy Wonder Justin Bieber going around looking sour lately. That’s in spite of dating Selena Gomez. The reason Justy is all upset is that no one remembered his birthday. It got blocked out of the headlines along with Muammar Khadafi by the wall to wall continuous coverage of the developing Charlie Sheen saga. Over the past 12 month everyone has been talking about Beiber ad nauseam: Bieber gets his hair cut, Bieber tweets back a fan, Bieber farts – that sort of shit. It was getting to the point where some of the more sensitive members of the public were aboutt o scream if they heard the name Justin Bieber one more time. Then along came something really interesting in the form of Charlie Sheen, to give us a well needed Bieber-break!

‘Fail’ is what happens when you’re not ‘Bi-winning’!

Well Bieber must’ve gotten used to the attention ’cause since it got diverted elsewhere he’s been photographed walking around pouting like Keanu Reeves at the cup cake counter, and howling at paparazzi who weren’t there. It’s so much sadder to see a celeb crack from lack of attention than from too much of it. Anyway Bieber can take some consolation that locks of his hair sold on EBay for $40 000 (Herbert the Pervert maxed out the credit cards on that suspicious purchase!).

BOOM WINNING D’UH

He can also take some consolation in the fact that it might’ve sold for 3 times that, if some of Charlie Sheen old urine test samples weren’t up on EBay simultaneous in competing auctions. Sorry Bieber, but that’s what you get when you go up against “Boom, Winning, D’uh!“. BOOM WINNING D’UH is the sound of a warlock breaking the sound barrier and hitting light speed!

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Outbursts!

Charlie Sheen has just got a lot of competition!

https://i2.wp.com/www.fashionweeknews.com/images/phc_0706_dior_08.jpgRemember how I said that there’s more going on in the world of entertainment than Charlie Sheen? Well it’s going on now! The thing is that celebrities hold it in during the award season run up to the Oscars. No one wants to fuck up and lose their invitation to the ball. So celebs have to be on the best behavior. Naturally the walking around on egg shells gets to them. So you have an outburst just after the awards are clued up. Now on with the outburst!

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Natalie Portman makes a stand @ the Oscars

Story No 1 is Oscar related. Remember when Natalie Portman showed up preggers and in her fancy dress; looking as pretty as Natalie Wood? Well there was a little more to her big Oscar evening than that. There was also some fashion politics going on. Portman is the newest face of Dior. as such she was expected to show up at the podium and collect her ward decked out in her sponsor’s finest. Portman didn’t wear Dior, but showed up in Rodarte. So why the last minute switch?

Mel Gibson gets some company

One of the big names at Dior was John Galliano. He was a big name cause he recently got fired. He was fired because he went all Mel Gibson on some poor woman at a restaurant in Paris. He told her that she had a ‘dirty Jewish face‘ and then went on to make some over dodger type remarks. For the record the chick wasn’t Jewish, but why let facts stop you when you’ve got a point to make? Galliano repeated that point on other occasions, and added remarks like “I love Hitler” and “you should be dead” suspected Jews. Unfortunately for Galliano some of these remarks got video taped!

http://www.youtube.com/get_player

When you get video taped shoot from the lip red handed like that it doesn’t leave you much room for self defense (Galliano claims that the couple mistook him for a bum and began insulting them when he tried to strike up a conversation with the random strangers). Just ask Michael Richards! It can also make people of the Jewish persuasion a little upset. They seem to take it almost personally or something! You know how high strung and temperamental they can be, especially when some brings up Hitler and says that they should be dead. Anyway the high strung, temperamental, and very Jewish Natalie Portman took it beyond personal and boycotted Dior on Oscar night. Then she released the following statement:

“I am deeply shocked and disgusted by the video of John Galliano’s comments that surfaced today,” she said in a statement issued last night. “In light of this video, and as an individual who is proud to be Jewish, I will not be associated with Mr. Galliano in any way. I hope at the very least, these terrible comments remind us to reflect and act upon combating these still-existing prejudices that are the opposite of all that is beautiful.”

So Nat’s pissed off. This may put her in violation of her contract with Dior, much the way that CBS is in violation of contract with Charlie Sheen. However it’s unlikely that Dior is gonna get vindictive and sue Portman for a ton. For one thing they’re very sensitive to anything that even smells like bad press. That’s why Galliano got fired, probably out of a cannon that was aimed at a nearby brick wall. It’s also why the good people at Dior tried to out a good face on their situation by issuing the following press release:

“I condemn most firmly the statements made by John Galliano which are total contradiction with the essential values that have always been defended by the House of Christian Dior,” President and CEO Sidney Toledano said in a brief statement released today.

“Today, because of the particularly odious nature of the behavior and words of John Galliano in a video made public this Monday, the Christian Dior house has decided to lay him off immediately and has begun firing procedures against him.”

Now Galliano has some fashion show on Friday. Word is that it’s still set to go through. It’ll probably be as joyful as a funeral too (JG will be in the role of the corpse). On the upside while there are gonna be a lot less celebs attending, there’s bound to be tons more paparazzi. As for Natalie, no word on whether she plans to start using her real name of Herschlag, or continue using her Hollywood slave name Portman.

Christina still a drunk

Christina and Matt Under the influence ... Christina and Matthew

Now fashion faux pas weren’t the only notable fuck ups in the volatile post Oscar period (drugs, alcohol, and pent up bad behavior can be a bad combo. When you add those stories the media was sitting on till after the Oscar, everything can add up into a career ender!). In the case of Christina Aguelira her career has been dead for a while. Certainly since “twilight’s last reaming” @ the Superbowl. That doesn’t mean that Chrissy still doesn’t have a few tricks up her sleeve, like getting arrested!

drunk and disorderly – now indistinguishable from Ashlee Simpson!

Seems Christina and her latest guy Matthew Rutler were out and about, driving around as it were in the wee hours of the morning through the West Hollywood area. There’s nothing wrong with that, unless you’re ripped to the gills; which both Christina & Matthew were. So they got pulled in. Matt was driving so he got slapped with a DUI and released on $30 000 bail. Christina, the passenger, got slapped with a misdemeanor. Law enforcement officials described her as drunk and unable to take care of herself. Of course that’s been Christina’s predicament for awhile now according to Lainey, who’s acting like she predicted this or something:

As for her condition – look, it’s not like we weren’t calling this way back in October. As I noted then:

Ultimately though, what’s really going on with Christina? As I’ve already noted, she’s bored. She’s been bored for a while. This is just the beginning.

Now that story is sort of confirmed by sources close to Christina, who claim that they’ve been trying to get the singer into rehab for weeks. That explains what happened at the Superbowl!

more stormy weather from Hurricane Heather?

Finally some one who we haven’t heard from for a while, though she never ever holds it in. She’s a noted animal activist who blew up her neighbor’s dog with fireworks. She’s also the ex wife of a former Beatle. That lady would be Heather Mills. Now Mills was best known back when she was hooked up with some one genuinely talented. However lack any real ability or interesting quality didn’t stop her from trying to hog more than her fair share of attention.

yelling & telling

The attention grabbing only got worse during the divorce. Maybe that’s because she started to get interesting, but not in a good way. For one thing she started raising an unholy stink in the media. Remember when she tossed a glass of water in the face of Sir Paul’s lawyer, telling the poor woman “you’ve been baptised!“?

ask Peter Andre – hell hath no fury like a page 3 glamor model

She also started telling the press that Sir Paul abused her. Actually that’s not exactly what Mill’s said. She isn’t the sort of person to mince words with delicate phrases like “abuse” when the words “drunken, drug abusing wife beater” are available. The sad part about that is that some of the shit stuck after Paul paid money to get some of his late wife’s diaries back. While some thought the man was merely trying to respect his late wife’s wishes by making sure her journals remained private, some were beginning to suspect that McCartney had something to hide.

Heather gets choked up in the bedroom – PR firm says “come clean”

Well it looks like Sir Paul has a clean bill of health. At least that’s according to Mills ex PR firm. According to Parapluie – the PR firm – they believe that Mills was being less than truthful when she made claims like, “I could kill [Paul], last night, he tried to choke me. The marriage is over.” I’d give Heather the benefit of the doubt and call that one a half truth. While it’s doubtful Paul ever got violent with her, I’m sure she meant it when she said that she could kill him and that the marriage was over!

an echo of your last goodbye

There were some other things that Heather stretched the truth about too, according to the good folk @ Parapluie. Like her Dancing With the Stars money. Poor Ms Joan of Arc claims that she squandered every cent she earned on the show in charitable donations to the unworthy, ’cause that’s just the kind of noble soul she is. If you believe that one then you’d better stay the fuck off of Craigslist! In fact the firm is also accusing Mills of not paying them the money she owes them. That’s why they’re taking her too court for $168 000 in unpaid bills. They’re already forwarding stuff to TMZ too, so brace yourself for more Mills!

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Jaime Pressly – Earl Girl Busted for DUI!


a boozer, a user, & a loser – trashy and hilarious

You may remember actress Jaime Pressly from such shows as Trailer Park Boys rip off series My Name is Earl. She’s the one who played the blond tramp who was constantly trying to kill her ex husband – Scientology Jason Lee. Jason Lee may have never worked out his karma, but karma recently caught up with the hot trampy blond. The TV slut got busted driving around Santa Monica at about 11 PM. The cops noticed some erratic driving, pulled over the actress, and performed a field sobriety test; which the little slut failed! After that she got whisked away to the Lindsay Lohan Celebrity Holding Cell and held on 15 000 bail!

Now just because Pressly played a drugged out drunken tramp on TV is no reason why she has to act like one in real life – though you have to admire her commitment to holding up the image! Still let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe all those years on Earl finally caught up with her. Since it was about the only significant role that she has ever had it was bound to make an impression on her little bleached blond head. She did do more than one hilarious mug shot back in her trailer park days. Lets have a little look back at JP’s greatest hits!




So Ms Pressly has had some practice in posing for mugshots. IN fact she cut a merry figure indeed, back in her Earl heyday. In real life she seems much more crest fallen. Then again, as Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, and numerous others could have told Ms Pressly, the real thing is a lot different then say the Earl thing. So even though she got tons and tons of attention over it, it might not be much to smile about.

We should give Ms. Jaime a break though. This was bound to happen. It’s been brewing ever since her bachelorette party! That was when she got photographed by some near by paparazzi while performing “dare number 8“. Lest you ask what dare number 8 was, here’s one those embarrassing pictures!


Jaime laughed that one off, claiming that it was a fake. She claimed that she poured water out from a near by bottle, just out of site of the cameras. Still the whole deal was embarrassing enough tog et her featured in infamous celebrity blog Perezhilton. So after that, you’d think getting featured in a real life mugshot would be a snap! She’d better shape up though, or her next role will be as Jerri Blank!

Going Straight – sort of

BTW To avoid confusion Jaime Pressly is the girl from Earl, and not the psycotic girlfriend from season 2 of Dexter. That would be another Jaime – Jaime Murray. Ms Murray has not been involved in any criminal activity, but spends her time quietly, avoiding men and hanging with ex Dex castmate Julie Benz – *wink, wink*. Now don’t go thinkin’ about that too much or you’ll get moist as a snack cake down there, or at least all mildewy!

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Beautiful Loser – Is Megan Fox a Druggie?

A long time ago, back when Megan Fox was the second coming of sex…

When Megan Fox got dropped off of T3 everyone naturally assumed that director Michael Bay had enough of her big overactive mouth. After all she did basically call T2 a piece of crap, or something, on a late night talk show. Actually she said the Transformers wasn’t about great acting. Since Bay didn’t set out to make A Man For All Seasons some didn’t see the basis for a beef. Bay seemed to take exception and made his own statement in which he referred to the many actors he’d “made” over the years, like Will Smith. Then he went on to hint that he was sad Fox didn’t have what it took to be one of them. People were waiting for the inevitable Fox fall out, in which her character would wind up as the Bride of Megatron in the next Transformers. Bay went on to reassure everyone that Ms. Sexy would be in the 3rd Transformers movie, on his website. Then came the announcement that Fox was out. Bay made some references to alarming weight lose. Everyone thought that was a cover story. No one was surprised.

Fall of Fox

What is surprising is that there may be some truth to the alarming weight loss stories. Fox did drop serious weight for Jennifer’s Body. Some say that she went as low as 97 pounds. There were also some stories that she was beginning to lose her hair. In fact there were rumors going around that big ugly bald spots were starting to show through Fox’s hair extensions. Now there are a lot of explanations for a hot young actresses losing weight and hair unexpectedly: like stress, overwork, and an eating disorder. Then there’s the obvious explanation.

be your own starwhacker

Now Fox has never kept her drug use a secret. She’s a public marijuana supporter. However pot doesn’t make your hair fall out. So rumors begin swirling around that Ms. Meggers was getting her pretty surgically tweaked snoot into something harder. Now these stories make the rounds in Follywood about young actresses, especially when their hair and teeth start dropping out, and they begin rubbing on the fake bake to cover their sickly pallor (“Do you think that I’d get plastic surgery to look this bad at my age unless I had to?!“). Usually it gets dismissed – as it was with Mischa Barton, even though she was routinely showing up for assignments and interviews stoned out of her gourd (and which was reported on this very blog a month or so before her 5150 wisdom tooth freak out) – until there’s more than sizzle behind the smoke. This time there appears to be some beef to the stories and the confirmation comes by way of Laineygossip.

boozers, users, and beautiful losers

Back in March 2009 Lainey covered a Fox/BAG related story that she called Toxic tweaky love. Besides implying that Fox was doing it with Robert Pattison, it covered an event that happened while BAG & Foxy were down in Santa Monica. Seems that the two had a knock down drag out fight which was so bad that neighbors called the cops on ’em. Not for the first time either. Apparently screaming matches are the norm for them, and the cops get flagged in by bystanders on a regular basis.

please don’t sue me, Tweaky – pussy footing around Foxy

Lainey also goes on to report that the pair are usually horrible to each other and to anyone with the misfortune to be near by. They also both get violent. What’s worse Lainey goes on to report that the pair are rail thin and have ‘food issues‘. A small salad is about as much as anyone has seen either of them choke down(They usually share the salad). Plus BAG is “rail thin“. Lainey doesn’t pussy foot through the whole article though. Towards the end she comes right to the point. She says that the pair have been observed ‘allegedly tweaking‘ (“allegedly” is blogspeak for “please don’t sue me” – “tweaky” is streetspeak for freaked out on meth). Now folks don’t tweak on pot. That’s more of a crack/crystal meth sort of thing. So is weight loss & baldness.

“I’m totally psyched about this bar code tattoo!” – Hollywood Supergirls in celebrity bondage

So this would explain the Fall of Megan Fox. Naturally everyone assumed that her career dried up for the usual reasons: big mouth, no talent, and looks already fucked up with too much plastic surgery. That’s a good theory except that it doesn’t explain every other working actress in Follywood struggling with similar issues (Thank God for Anne Hathawaythe AntiMegan. Her only weakness is Follywood sleazoids!). If they booted out every lunatic in Follywood then the Quaids would be on an asylum waiting list in Vancouver, and directors would be so hard up for warm bodies to stick in flicks that they’d be casting Kenneth Branagh in love scenes with Sir Ben Kinglsey.

crack is whack

So there had to be more to the story behind Fox’s Fall then a great big mouth going off unexpectedly like some kind of loose cannon. Sadly the drug story sounds like it has a ring of truth to it. If Meggers has taken to the crack, or worse – Whiteny Houston style, then her Follywood patrons may have fucked off and abandoned her distanced themselves from her. For one thing she’d have made herself unreliable (too consistent to be reliable, which is the worst kind of unreliable!). For another no one wants to be involved in her career when she goes off like a time bomb that thing comes to a head – remember Heath Ledger. It also adds some serious significance to Michael Bay’s comments about cutting Fox loose over an alarming weight loss.

tweak your life script baby

Now Fox may be a bitch not be the most likable gal in the business (though her shoot from the lip routine does have a certain charm). It would still be a shame if this were true. Though Foxy might be short on talent she does have an undeniable screen presence and charisma. So she has something to offer.That being said we can only hope that if the rumors are true then Foxy takes it upon herself to get it together and get her career back. Marylin Munroe might make a cool tattoo but she’s a lousy role model. Follywood casualty is also a crummy script to base your life on! Besides no one, not even Megan, deserves to play out their career Lindsay Lohan style in celebrity TV rehab!

wonder woman in rehab

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stuck in gear

More woman trouble with Larry King, though it should be said that this isn’t really his woman, or even his troubles. One of Larry’s numerous ex’s, Julia Alexander King (hanging onto the ex’s moniker can really be helpful in LA – especially when the ex’s retain a piece of the action and consequently a place on the pecking order) was out, about, and in very hi spirits on the past 4rth of July. Her spirits were so high that as she made her way back home to New York from and event in New Jersey her car had trouble maintaining contact with the road. As one witness said – ‘her car was swerving all over the place’. Eventually things took a turn for the worse.

Julia managed to make it all the way over to the center lane, and eventually head on into an on coming car carrying a family of 4. Everyone was injured. 2 people in the oncoming car were seriously injured. The jaws of life had to be used to extract them. Also no arrests were made at the scene – but investigators are looking into it. Why jump to conclusions? Julia wasn’t necessarily drunk or stoned. Maybe she just graduated from the Lindsay Lohan Driving Academy. If she was driving a Toyota or Honda she might even have grounds for a sudden acceleration suit. No word on whether corny lady driver jokes are making a come back.

Speaking of sudden acceleration, that’s what happened to actress Emma Thompson’s mouth recently. Thompson has had a hot week what with getting her new star on the walk of fame. She posed for that in front of the Pig & Whistle pub while holding a piglet. There’s really no life like show business. Anyway Thompson has been busy hyping up her new My Fair Lady pic. It was supposed to star Kiera Knightly based on her being the most Audrey Hepburnish of modern actresses. Except that Kiera has bailed. Must be another Pirates of the Caribbean in the works, ’cause I know that she ain’t making a sequel to Domino.

Well that left Thompson scrambling around for a plausible leading lady before her project started to come apart (That can happen fast in the glamorous world of movie making. Even established A list directors can have a pet project either stalled for years, or suddenly get canceled while it’s in preproduction!). She’s talking with Carey Mulligan – who something might just be Hepburnish enough – but it ain’t a done deal. That leaves Thompson asking “Who needs Audrey Hepburn to remake MFL?” At least that’s what she asked right out loud in a couple of interviews with The Hollywood Reporter and Variety.

When asked about the project and about Hepburn. Thompson replied that she thought that Hepburn was over rated. In fact she went on to describe her as window dressing. She went o to say that she thought Hepburn was sweet in a dumb, childlike way, but almost irritatingly so. She even used the Brit term ‘twee’ to describe the late Oscar winning actress. The closest American equivalent to twee might be ‘simp’, or ‘simpering’.

Now maybe Thompson thought that she was doing herself some kind of favor. Down playing Audrey Hepburn might be a way of increasing the credibility of her Audreyless project. However there was one flaw. Hepburn is a beloved Hollywood icon. She has the kind of legendary status that today’s performers only dreaming of getting. She’s also still got enough fans to get outraged. So now some blow back is slowly building in Ms Thompson’s direction. No word as yet on whether her reps are saying that she was taken out of context, but I’m sure we’ll hear something as her new Nanny McPhee movie is about to be released.

Emma Thompson shoots off mouth and calls Audrey Hepburn a simpleton

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Lindsay on the Loose

Lindsay Lohan Goes Free

http://www.viddler.com/player/afbca21e/

Lindsay finishes sentence – she’s had longer hangovers!

Those who were hoping that Lindsay Lohan might be getting a major dose of justice might be in for a major disappointment. The actress was recently incarcerated in Lynnwood Rehabilitation Facility for violation of her probation. The probation stems back to a 2007 incident involving a car and intoxicants. The powers that be cut her some slack on that, and ordered her into an alcohol awareness program. Lindsay is already pretty alcohol aware, and so decided to skip most of the program. Perhaps she was waiting until they got to the sobriety awareness part?

Anyway Lindsay’s continued defiance lead to more court dates, more recommended 12 step programs, a scram bracelet – the newest rogue celebrity accessory – and finally getting banged up in the poky! Though she screamed and cried during sentencing, and promised to be good this time – the miniature “fuck off” inscribed into her nail polish called her sincerity into question!

Well just a short time ago Lindsay began serving what was supposed to be a 90 day sentence. Stories coming out of Lynnwood had Lohan behaving as a model prison: quiet, compliant, and cooperative. There were a few hitches: Logan wasn’t eating – though she’s never been one for solid food and usually prefers a liquid diet; and she’d stopped drinking – anything. Maybe she wasn’t used to water as a main beverage instead of a mixer. However word was that the water in the facility is as filthy as anything seen since the days of cholera.

Lindsay’s otherwise model behavior seems to have paid of. The sometime actress and tabloid mainstay (God bless her – what would we do without her?) was sprung loose earlier today. Prison officials declared severe overcrowding combined with the non violent nature of Lohan’s offense as the reason for her early release. With so many rapists and serial murders running amok in the Land of the Free it just didn’t make sense to blow tax payers’ money on a celebrity. With America coming out of a recession the argument has validity. Of course if they made the wealthy pay for their own imprisonment it might go along way towards furthering the cause of American Justice. Since the USA has a two tiered health care system, why then not opt for the best penal system too?

BTW Lindsay maybe free from captivity but isn’t being reintroduced into the wild just yet. The actress has been transferred from prison custody into a 90 day treatment program. If this 90 days lasts as long as her last 90 day sentence it’ll be over before her hangover!

Good Luck Chuck – Charlie’s devils

Charlie Sheen gets 30 days in Promises Rehab for Chrsitmas DAy Knife Fight with wife Brooke MuellerIn an unrelated but parallel story Charlie Sheen is off the hook over his domestic assault beef. The actor got into some trouble over allegations that he threatened his wife – Brooke Mueller – with a knife during a Christmas Dinner altercation. Things looked bad for Chuck until it was revealed that Brooke was even more drunk than he was at the time. Plus she had a colorful cocaine past- including an alleged stint in rehab while preggers!

The fact that Brooke’s story kept changing didn’t help her credibility much. First she claimed that Charlie had held a knife to her throat. Then she said that she made it up. Then her lawyer said that she only said that cause she had Battered Woman Syndrome or something. Cynics thought that she was keeping her options open while trying to figure out which side of the 20 million a year (which Chuck gets for 2 1/2 Men) she fell on. If he divorced her she’d burn him, but if he let her keep riding the gravy train then she wouldn’t screw up his pay check.

Denise Richards even spoke out in Charlie’s defense. She claimed that Charlie was a great father who never physically abused her (similar to what Mel Gibson’s ex Robyn is currently saying about Mad Max via court depositions). Considering that this is the woman who as much as accused him of pedophilia during their ultra nasty divorce (Denise publicly claimed that Charlie enjoyed looking at “borderline porn” on the Internet. Then she brought her kids into the judge for an emergency closed door session following a return from a visit with Charlie. She claimed they were acting oddly. The judge examined the kids and then laughed Denise out of his office.) and people began thinking that money must talk or something. So considering the skanks and ho bags that seemed drawn to Sheen, the public started giving him the benefit of the doubt.

That only left the courts to deal with. Now Charlie’s crack legal team were working overtime to get everything banged down to the minimum. They worked out a plea bargain where Chuck could do some minimal jail time and be back on the loose in time for the next season of his highly rated show. There was even a work release during the day so Sheen wouldn’t get too cooped up. Charlie liked the idea of that since it gave him a chance to keep up on one of his favorite hobbies- chain smoking. However when it turned out that prison no smoking laws applied to the work release as well so the deal went out the window.

Now finally some closure has been reached in this sordid affair. Charlie was sentenced earlier today. He managed to avoid jail time too. Chuck will get the usual celebrity slap on the wrist – 30 days in rehab. He’ll be checking into Promises Rehab Center – a facility with a track record of failure where celebrities are concerned (they failed with Lohan a couple of times and have had a few other hi profile losers pass through their gates including Hollywood’s answer to Jerri Blank, Tara Reid!) sometime soon. No word on what Promises smoking policy might be. As for Chuck – next stop, divorce court.

So the moral of today’s story is – in the words of Jerri Blank – you should always take responsibility for your actions, unless you don’t have to!

wondertrash
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