Celebrity Craziness Matrix

celebrity has it’s seamy side

If Wondertrash has a message to impart it’s “Celebrity – don’t let it happen to you!” In many way celebrities are just like the rest of us: they struggle with the same issues, are driven by the same motivations, and are plagued by the same insecurities. They just do it on a larger scale and in front of a global audience. Hence the saying that fame is like wearing your underwear on the outside! It’s basically turning your life into a reality TV show.

ordinarily different & just a little bit special

In some ways thought, & bless their little hearts, celebrities can be a little bit different. They have the quirks, or eccentricities if you will, that make them stand apart from the ordinary bread of men & women comprised of those of us with enough common sense to avoid attracting too much attention. Anyone who will pose nude for Playboy while pregnant, send their kid up in a home made hot air balloon, of get 8 or 9 live embryos implanted into their uterus just for attention, plus the fame & fortune that can come with it, have got to be a little crazy.

celebrity in the matrix

 

Well now that Celebrity Craziness Factor has finally been organized. The good people over @ Jest have set down and dreamed up something that they call the Celebrity Craziness Matrix. According to the CC Matrix Celebrity Personality Disorder can be plotted on your standard x y axis with your favorite personalities falling some where between self aware to oblivious on the x axis, & zany to dangerous on the y.

dangerously self aware

Now that sounds mathematical & abstract. It makes more sense with real celebrity examples. If you look at the chart below you will see that – at the upper left, personalities like Lady Gaga & Andy Dick are self aware, but harmlessly zany. Julian Assange and Charlie Sheen on the other hand, are self aware but dangerous! You can talk to Chuck Lorre if you have any questions about the veracity of Sheen’s assessment! He’s still hurtin’ from the time he picked a fight with a warlock!

lovable lunatics

Now in the other range we have celebs who are less self aware. You might call them loveable dim wits – though some are less loveable than others. The likes of Gary Busey & Ozzy Osbourne aren’t known for dropping around deep philosophical ponderings. They are lovably zany. Part of the reason we do love them is because they don’t take themselves too seriously.

Mel Gibson is like an Antimatter Tom Cruise!

Then we have the less loveable hovering over at the dangerous end of oblivious. That includes people like Mel Gibson (think of him as Tom Cruise with the zany transferred into dangerous!), Lindsay Lohan, and Amanda Bynes. Their combo of dangerous & oblivious would make them poor people to be standing next to in a lightening storm. You’d be sure to get zapped. Then you’d be that charred frazzle standing beside an untouched Lindsay or Amanda in the tabloid pic!

Nick Nolte is Peter O Toole crossed with Courtney Love!

Then there are the borderline cases. People like Peter O Toole. His natural flamboyance made him a very entertaining actor, & lovably zany. His sharp wit combined with years of alcoholism means that he’s kind of back and forth between self aware and oblivious, depending. He’s kind of like the Courtney Love anti particle. Court’s extremely intelligent and also prone to occassional attacks of awareness. Other times she completely out of it!. Whereas O Toole is delightful & entertaining, Love is no one you’d turn your back on. Nick Nolte is another back & forth case but between zany & dangerous.

Mr. In Between! Jeff Probst is a male Anne Hathaway!

Then straight in the center we have Jeff Probst. We don’t know if his central placement makes him just right – like Goldilocks porridge. Does he have the right combo of zany/dangerous/oblivious/self awareness so that everything cancels everything else out, or does he just lack too much of any celebrity quality? Who ever he is he must be a special case among a rare breed! Like a male Anne Hathaway! Anne of course is the ‘reverse’ celebrity. Whereas other celebrities are like us but a bit different, Anne’s the opposite of that! So she’s a kind of “mirror image” of celebrity. Think of her as like Hawkgirl in the Justice League; & not quite like the other superheros! Or to put it another way, she doesn’t have an official Twitter account (that she could accidentally post mildly embarrassing pics of herself on).

 

There just isn’t matrix enough to mention everyone


Hopefully this celebrity crazy matrix can one day be refined into a proper diagnostic tool, like Robert Hare’s psychopath check list. Then it could hopefully be used to get celebs the right kind of help; or possibly identify non celebs with the right kind of crazy to make it in show biz! At this stage it can’t answer everything. Halle Berry didn’t make the matrix. For one thing no one is sure whether she knows what she’s doing. Besides, they were probably to damned afraid of her to put her in there (so she’d go along side LeAnn Rimes?)! So for now just enjoy it in it’s raw form & have some fun deciding where your favorites would fit in!

 

Anne Hathaway – the “reverse” celebrity

Kooky to the max & just a bit in bad taste

Celebrities are a little out there, and a little more willing to take chances and to expose themselves. That’s what makes Wondertrash possible. There’s a little celebrity in most of us though. So remember that you don’t have to be rich & famous to make a Wondertrash moment. Just be willing to put yourself out there, and take a chance by exposing yourself to what life has to offer. Then you too willing be rockin’ it Wondertrash style!

1 in 12 persons have celebrity personality disorder – can you spot which one?

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A LIst PLan B

celebrateasing

Some people look at celebrities one trick ponies. It as much as saying “if they weren’t rich, famous, and beautiful, where the fuck would they be?” That’s an interesting question and one that haunts the celebs themselves as they ponder whether the world loves or hates them only because they’re beautiful, funny, or whatever it is that they’ve managed to get themselves loved or hated in spite of. So naturally that spurs them on to other things, like ventures into politics, ecology, Planet Hollywood type franchises, or whatever other harebrained scheme was supposed to prove that they were more than just another highly paid pretty face.

Take models for instance. Ever so often they feel the need to go back to school. School is the place that the rest of us wanted to get out of for about 12 years or so, until we finally graduated to the exciting world of 9 to 5 wage slavery! Not models – they want to get back in! Maybe they think they’re hot enough to make school look cool, or that stuffing their pretty heads with useless knowledge will make them more rounded persons.

Anyway before yoga it was books, and now books are making a come back in the form of Miranda Kerr. Regular Wondertrash readers will be familiar with Ms Kerr as a pretty young Australian who leads an interesting life of dressing up like Wonder Woman, getting immortalized in wax, and sleeping with Orlando Bloom (it’s okay, they’re married!). Miranda’s still a slip of a girl so she should have plenty of career ahead of her. However in the hi pressure world of international modeling you’re life clock can start unexpectedly blinking faster than a runner on last day, even if you did assume you had another 4 years!

So Miranda’s got caught hitting the books. Don’t believe me? Here’s the picture proof to back it up!

I can’t be sure what Miranda’s reading. For one thing the book titles are blurry and out of focus, either because of over pixelazation, or a wicked night on the booze, or merely because it’s bifocal time. However sources close to the scene allege that Miranda wasn’t actually reading the books themselves, but her only little ‘pass it’ notes hidden inside. Here’s some examples:

When you’re a model it’s important to stay motivated, even st the risk of having a one track mind.

Political talk show host and comedian Bill Maher is working on his plan B. It includes broadening his popularity base by reaching out! Bill has decided to blitz the demographic spectrum by trying to appeal to conservatives, women, and witches. Fortunately he cut his working load by finding all three wrapped up in one neat little package, this time in the form of Republican Wiccan Christine O Donnell.

That was some neat planning and since she used ot work for him I thjink, she must’ve been easy to reach.

Former MSNBC News Tomato Contessa Brewer is working on alternatives too.In this case she’s going eco with – tomatoes. Contessa recently ran into a few of what she describes as ‘monster tomatos’ and these things are over developed enough to have news anchor careers themselves. Here’s Contessa and a handful!

Contessa shows us just how excited a person can get over fresh produce! If she were any happier in the above pic then those tomato would probably be illegal!

So it only goes to show that celebrities are just like the rest of us, and are plagued by the same insecurities. Celebrities however seem to make careers out of their insecurities. Which only goes to show that they are a special breed by being just like us only more so! So how can you spot a potential celebrity, perhaps to give them the encouragement they need to ripen like a monster tomato that will go on to conquer the world, or merely to arrange some kind of intervention! Well the signs of Celebrity Personality Syndrome are pretty obvious even from early childhood!

Now if that were your child you might want to get some professional help. That is unless you’re Octomom, in which case you might decide to send the tyke skyward in a tin foil home made balloon and then pitch the whole thing to reality TV! In fairness Octomom never did that. It was Richard Heene who pulled a similar stunt, though to give him credit son Falcon (attention MK Ultra mind control subjects – the previous phrase was a mind control trigger embed. “son Falcon’ is subconsciously interpreted as Illuminati symbol ‘Sun Falcon’, or Horus Ra! It also plays off of the previous mention of “tinfoil” which is synonymous with “conspiracy”. In the new more challenging economy I’ve had to sell out to the Freemason to help make ends meet!) was never in the balloon but safely stowed away in the rafters of the family garage.

So the upshot is that even though we may share the same insecurities and outrageous drives as the rich and famous, that’s no reason to organize your life around it. For instance you can leave trendy special interests to those who get paid to act like they care about them. Instead of wishing upon a star, you can go grab a hot bath. You can even try skipping fewer meals and working out less at the gym. Maybe you can even start with Plan B. It’s often the better option anyway. Plus it might keep you out of rehab! Besides there’s nothing wrong with honest work.


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An American Gothic Trampire Tragedy

Ever since the news broke that Kristen Stewart had made a trampire of herself by cheating on her long term boyfriend Robert Pattinson with Snow White producer Rupert Saunders her legions of fans have been asking “Why Kristen, why?”. Not that they hate the actress. They’re just very very disappointed. Yous ee Kristen got to live out every teen aged girls dream of dating a vampire in high school. So by cheating on Robbo she’s killed that dream in much the same way Lady Diana Spencer killed the fairy tale when she divorced Prince Charles and then went on her journey of personal self discovery by way of radical weight loss and unauthorized tell all biographies. Yet before you judge Kris too harshly just stop and think about it from her point of view.

I knew I shoulda gone out with the jock!

An unnamed & fictitious source close to Stewart has revealed the whole sad story. Apparently dating a high school vampire wasn’t the great dream Kris thought that it would be. For one thing once the other kids noticed that Robbo was a but different they wouldn’t leave him alone. They started calling him “Batboy”. Robbo pointed out in the slightly lame way nerdy awkward young men have that “I don’t change into a bat, I change into a wolf. I’m not Dracula or Count Chockula or the Sesame Street Count or Eddie Munster or anything like that.”. The Eddie Munster thing set them off. They started asking him if he knew that Addams Family and then began singing the theme song – “You’re creepy and you’re kooky, you’re altogether spooky…” By the time they got to the “ooky” part Kris flipped and shouted at them to leave her boyfriend alone. Her reaction only made things worse and soon packs were following them around calling out “Oooky, ooky, ooky”.

das whimpire

What made things even worse was Rob’s total refusal to stand up for himself. Kris called him on that a number of times, chiding, “You’re a vampire, are you just gonna let them do that to you? Use the powers of darkness!” However Rob pointed out that kids were now carrying around garlic and crosses, and that he was afraid that they might hurt him. His fears were born out when some of the meaner kids began carrying holy water around in water pistols. They’d follow Patz around, hounding him and spraying water on him. Kris was subjected to the humiliating experience of seeing her born friend starting their hissing and flailing around, while his skin peeled off. “I didn’t know whether to feel pity or disgust” the actress confided.

now to try out something more mature

So when an older, sophisticated, and confident man came along Kris was ready to leave the world of hi school goth romance behind. Not that she ever wanted to hurt Rob. It’s just that shew as growing up now, and needed someone who could help her grow. As the fictitious source explained, “life isn’t fair, it isn’t even a fairy tale.” So before you judge Kristen too harshly, put yourself back in hi school, and think about what you thought was cool at the time. Now remember how fast you grew out of that once you had to move out into the real world.

yer in the dog house now

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heartbreaking new Megan Fox photo

Megan Fox is in bad shape lately

Remember when Megan Fox was the hottest girl on the planet? That was back during the first Transformers flick. That was in 2007 when she had the role of Mikaela Banes, Shia Labouef’s unlikely girlfriend. Though Shia was the star Megan was the girl people came to see.

Back then Hollywood thought that they had lightening in a bottle. Execs and producers figured that they could just point a camera at the chick and people would pay to watch. Since sex sells Megan was a license to print money. That gave her an unlimited future. Then, as often happens in show business, things went wrong.

Did I say that shit or just think it out loud again?

Megan’s mouth got out of control and went on a rampage. Before studio executives could have her fitted for a bridle Megan had started saying all sorts of things, like actresses are whores but she’s really a man, or maybe only a tranny (that lead to the rumors that she was born a man named Mitchell Reed Fox who was later surgically converted to the female persuasion). She also claimed that women have power because they have pussies sand men are afraid of that but that all people are basically bisexual. Then she said that her boss Michael Bay was Hitler and his boss Steven Spielberg had her fired. Maybe he wasn’t sure how seriously to take her – like the rest of us (She had ony run through half her material and was just getting around to men being latent homosexuals!).



Any Bay in a storm

Anyway Bay needed a hot chick who couldn’t necessarily act for his 3rd film. So he got that Victoria’s Secret model. She was used to walking around in her under wear in front of an audience so she might have what it takes to be an actress. The transplant didn’t take so he might as well have just gone for Adriana Lima. She’s good enough for multiple Superbowl ads (that’s how you know which one is the archangel)!

from loose lips to loose ends

That left Meggers at loose ends. She wasn’t working much since Jennifer’s Body bombed. She was doing some B stuff that no one talked about, or saw. The Internet wasn’t even keeping track of her latest verbal diarrhea attack. It’s hard to keep a major Hollywood career afloat when people are forgetting about you.

“I can do Wonder Woman now – or even some Esurance commercials!”

She tried to keep herself busy. She married longtime boyfriend BAG. She did a few adds. She waited for Comic Con to ask her back. That leaves a lot of slack in the schedule, and you can only fill up so much time playing Guitar Hero! So your probably wondering “how’s Ms Megan is handling early semi retirement?” The answer is worse than Erin Esurance! This heartbreaking recent pic of Megan tells the whole sad story.

There have been some scary celebrity crashes but this takes the cake!

a funny thing happened on the way to rehab

There’s just no rehab for that! Many of us have done that door stopper thing – though in most cases it was because of Asperger’s Syndrome. When otherwise normal people get there things are bad. So bad that I hear Megger’s has been asking around to find out if the Wonder Woman part is still available. Look at it from her point of view – it’s a rough spot for a chick who used to be the next Angelina Jolie and is now lower than Al Gore. So send some good vibes out her way and tell her Wondertrash sent ’em! Also be sure to see her in The Great Dictator with Sacha Baron Cohen! You really need to support her in this cause her door stop routine is getting ont he neighbors’ nerves.

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Tiger Woods was a brainwashed sex slave!

Tiger Woods fans have been asking themselves “What the fuck happened to that guy?” It’s kind of obvious. Somewhere in a mix of floozies, sleeping pills, and paparazzi, the guy got nervous and lost his touch. Now he can’t hit the broad side of a barn with a shovel, let alone a golf ball with a club. It’s a big turn around since he used to be so good. That has some people asking whether there might be more to it.

One of the current theories going around the conspiracy community is that there’s more to it. The more to it involves MK Ultra and Project Phoenix. Conspiracists know that MK Ultra was the top secret CIA brainwashing program, started by Nazi Project Paper Clippers and designed to produce super spies through hypnosis. German mad scientist had discovered, during World War 2, that a powerful combo of drugs, torture and post hypnotic suggestions could produce super zombies who would follow any instruction. Just like Anne Hathaway in Ella Enchanted! Project Phoenix was one of MK Ultra’s off shoots, along with Bluebird and Monarch.

So the theory goes that Tiger’s father sold him out to the CIA. He’d allow Tiger to be used as a super spy if the CIA programmed him for golf. It’s a kind of I Spy scenario. The CIA would then have a great asset on their hands. Once Tiger was properly programmed he could be put into a trance through the use of some trigger phrase. Then his handler would give him a secret message. Tiger would then be snapped out of it, perhaps with the use of an electric cattle prod, and sent on his way. Once he arrives at his destination he could be put back into a trance, perhaps with a spiked drink, and once under the MK Ultra spell he’d deliver the secret coded message to his espionage contact. Since Tiger was a world class golfer he could travel anywhere and meet anyone without suspicion. Very high powered people play golf. If a member of the local American Embassy or business community met with Woods to shoot a few rounds while overseas who would suspect that they were really exchanging secrets? It was the perfect crime!

The only flaw in the plan was love. Love came to Tiger in the form of a Swedish au pair with a very well connected family named Elin Nordgren. Nordgren wasn’t just some blonde bimbo swimsuit model who’d come to America on the make! Elin’s parents are at the top of the Scandinavian food chain. Her mother is some kind of cabinet minister. Her father is a top broadcaster and a member of crypto masonic org P1.

For those not in the know P1 is the senior branch P2. P2 was the group Vatican banker Roberto Calvi was involved with. Calvi had a meteoric rise to the top of the Italian financial world – like Anne Hathaway’s ex Rafaello Follerie (another crook with Vatican contacts). Calvi was eventually found dead – hanging by the neck with pockets full of rocks, under London’s Blackfriar’s Bridge, after a scandal. The Italian govt had a ban on exporting currency at the time since the lira was plummeting. Calvi had a scam where he used his Vatican connections to convert Italian money into foreign funds through some Brazilian banks. This was highly irregular and possibly illegal, but Calvi never had to answer for it.

Since Elin has some heavy connections to the Swedish elite, in the form of cabinet minister and a free mason for parents, it only makes sense that she was some sort of Mata Hari. Her assignment was to get close to Tiger, to use sex to gain his trust (that must’ve been easy!), and then break into his programmed mind. Once Elin got into his head by way of his pants she could search through the various secret compartments that had been created in his mind, find out what kind of secrets he’d been carrying, and what kind of programming the CIA was using these days. Just like Ellen Page in Inception! After she had got her way then it was only a simple matter of mixing up his brains and leaving him fucked up.

This sounds far fetched but stop and think that Elin’s getaway mansion back in Sweden was bought about a month or so before Tiger’s now notorious love life broke in the news. So it was a month or so before she allegedly broke his head with a golf club, after finding out about this for – allegedly – the very first time. Suspicious types say this means she might have been a lot less surprised about the multiple cheating than a golf club upside the head would lead you to believe.

Lest you think that this is merely the ranting of Internet bloggers like myself, here’s someone from the mainstream media – Toronto radio host Richard Syrett, along with a very special guest to give you the low down on Tiger Wood’s secret James Bond life, complete with the MK Ultra background. Remember that they present this as a theory – or a possible explanation – and not as fact. That’s how conspiracy theorists get away with it! So if you have a half an hour or so you can sit back and be prepared to be amazed!

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Speaking of Anne Hathaway – and who wouldn’t? – regular Wondertrash readers will be aware that Anne has been cast in yet another MK Ultra themed role – Cat woman in the new Batman flick. They will also b e aware that Wondertrash called it – sort of, a few months back, when we reported that she was hanging around comic con dressed as Hawkgirl!



We at Wondertrash were worried about Anne for awhile, especially after Ella Enchanted. maybe it was Princess Dairy 2. Anyway the point is that Anne pulled it together and so can you with that extra special Wondertrash mindset!





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Curious George & Dimpled Chad

the President is still allegedly American
conspiracy theories and the “other” Mrs. Obama

President Barack Obama has been getting some grief from conspiracy theorists since he was elected. The most notable theory but by no means the only one is that Barack Obama was born in Kenya, and so is ineligible to be President based on not being native born. It’s not the only one. Other theories say that Obama is a Muslim, and atheist, a socialist, and a Vulcan from Krypton. One theory even purports that Obama is not actually black – but an attractive white woman who began impersonating a black man when she first decided to position herself for the presidency. The idea was that since Hillary Clinton had the chick vote sown up, an another angle was needed. While that is an intriguing theory, I think that it was probably dreamed up by someone who watched White Chicks too often while stoned.

A good offensive defense

The sad thing is that the President, if I may call her that, has felt the need to start addressing this issues; which by her own words are unworthy of comment. Barack Obama, with Michelle at his side, appeared on Oprah a little while ago to assure the American People that he is in fact an American, and that Donald Trump was no better than reality TV’s version of a carnival barker. Though Donald was much gratified by the mention.

I can’t tell the difference – these faked alien birth certificates are just as good as our real earth ones!

Though Oprah never once doubted him, I guess he felt that others needed reassurance. Not everyone is a graduate in The Course in Miracles, like Oprah; so their faith might need support. Just like the Apostles on the Sea of Galilee. To that end Obama also produced evidence of himself – not in the form of bread and fishes, but in the form of a Hawaiian birth certificate dated Aug 5 1961. Not that any one believed it. It was quickly picked apart on the Internet where some of the more committed among the lunatic fringe quickly analysed it for evidence of improper extra terrestrial tamper. Of course the birth Certificate came out clean. Since the aliens are years ahead of the human race technologically (they only lag behind us in bloody mindedness, which built this planet; and along with our atmosphere is our best defence against space invaders) this doesn’t prove anything. Maybe we just aren’t advanced enough to detect the signs of their technological interference in much the way that we’re still trying to decipher the hidden meaning of crop circles using the Enigma Code, with pi as a key (Steven Spielberg did suggest that they use music as a possible basis for decoding “Just like my ET!”, but the scientific community didn’t take him too seriously. The idea would’ve had more credibility coming from former physicist James Avatar Cameron).

Coming Soon

The probably with going on the defensive that way is that you never know when to stop until you’ve past the point of no return. In public figures that can be bad. Tom Cruise was off the couch and on the way home without realizing the damage he’d done to his image on Oprah (Some one should’ve got the President to watch that episode when he decided that appearing on Oprah would clear things up). First Obama’s showing his birth certificate, next he’s peeing in a cup on Livestream – like Charlie Sheen. What would come next? Perhaps some lively Sheen’s Korner type channel on youtube, featuring the President directly addressing the American People with frequent updates on his personal life. Since his personal life is no where near as colourful as Charlie’s he should skip that. The closest thing he has to a goddess is wife Michelle and she’s been camera shy ever since she got shit for touching the Queen. “Come here and say ‘hi’ Michelle.” “Barry no.” “Oh go, on we’re on youtube!” Of course if the Pres starts addressing the Vulcan Muslim atheist issue, or pulling down his pants to prove that he is in fact a man then we’ll know that he’s gone too far; though become way more interesting!

The Nobel Award for outstanding motion picture achievement in sanctimonious high mindedness!

In this one thing at least Obama would’ve done well to have taken a page from the Book of Bush. If you’ll recall Bush was never supposed to be President either – but you didn’t hear him defending himself. He was never supposed to be pres because he stole the election – allegedly. It happened down in the state of Florida where George stole about 300 votes from Al Gore (the democratic Party’s Dan Quayle and way too interested in rain forest frogs to be relevant to tax payers, though the Motion Picture Academy and the Nobel Prize Committee liked him well enough – give those two esteemed bodies something in common!), and he did it with the help of some one called Dimpled Chad.

the Ballad of Dimpled Chad

Now I’m not sure who Dimpled Chad is, but I gather that he’s a kind of gay G Gordon Liddy. His secret identity as a gay adult film star made him a highly valuable CIA asset (like John Erik Hexum on Cover Up!). It may have been in his capacity as a spy, and not as a gay porn star, that he first got in touch with the Bush clan. Although there are those who say that he first ran into Bush family members at Bohemian Grove, during one of that club’s “no girls allowed” annual naked wing dings. The Bush Family quickly found him handy for dirty work of various kinds, and Dimpled Chad found himself on the way up in the world. However after the Florida Election Caper he found himself in too compromising a position. As daytime talk show hosts clamoured to get a piece of him, he disappeared into obscurity before he had fully emerged from it.

Bush whacked!

No one is quite sure what ever happened to Dimpled Chad. Some say that he had become too dangerous. George had him whisked away to CIA HQ for some Stan Smith American Dad style brainwashing/reprogramming. That didn’t work out and Chad had to be hospitalized long term after cracking up and starting to go “Andrew Cunanin”. Others say that George had him sold to Indonesia organized crime, as a horse collared gay sex slave. Others say that he was reprogrammed with top secret technology and is now a straight Mormon elder with no recollection of his previous life (except for that brief flicker he gets every time some well established Mormon says he’s seen him some where before, “on TV or something right?”). Still others say that Bush just had him whacked!

Deep dimpled cover

Now I’ve heard that the actual story is that Bush didn’t have him whacked – for old times sake. Though it would’ve been safer to whack him Bush retained a soft spot for the sexy young man who helped him rig an election and become both the most powerful & the most dangerous man on planet earth! Besides, sine Chad was instrumental in setting in motion a course of events that lead to the execution of Saddam Hussein, or at least a buck toothed imposture in the place of Hussein, the world owned Chad. So he had him spirited out of the country. No one is sure where Chad went. Some say South America, while others swear he’s on the Mediterranean. The stories do agree that he’s kept in grand style. George set him up with a Villa and a checking account courtesy of the American Taxpayer (and there by finding more worthwhile usages for the funds than saving rain forest frogs!).

A loose lipped old dumpling

Chad has been warned to keep his mouth shut about who he is and what he knows. If he talks too much then he could wind up as an anonymous gay male Marilyn Munroe! Since all he’s material needs are more than adequately met there’s really no reason for him to show his face. As long as he’s smart he can go on living like gay royalty! Yet having started life as a young up and comer Chad can’t help letting the story slip from time to time. That’s allegedly how the rumour has started coming to light. Chad knows he shouldn’t repeat this stuff but he likes the attention! Attention is harder to come by these days too, now that he’s been sequester from the rest of the world, and made so fat and complacent that he’s more Dumpy Chad than dimpled. The loose talk could be embarrassing, but even when it does get back to Big George, he refuses to do anything about it, except cut him another check. So the moral of the story is that if George W can overlook all that, then Barack Obama really shouldn’t feel any need to defend himself on the birth certificate issue, let alone the whole transvestite communist Vulcan Muslim thing! Although if he wants to it would make for some fantastic gossip!

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Dr Laura: Livin’ on the air

Disclaimer: The following story was given to me by an unnamed source, so it’s probably untrue, which is to say false.

strong opinions & sharp wit

Once upon a time and on your local radio station Dr Laura Schlessinger was the biggest deal in AM talk radio. She’s a bright energetic woman, not shy about her strong opinions, and articulate enough to match wits with the best. She got herself a major audience quick. That got her some major success in life. Success brought a lot of opportunities, like the chance to publish her numerous, preachy self help type books based on the kind of thinly disguised moralizing that she became famous for. “Who ever said ‘judge not’ should’ve asked me! I could’ve set them straight!”

from the mountain top to Sirius by way of the far side of the moon – The Dr is in & out

As her radio show became a bully pulpit, Dr S. got even less shy with those strong opinions. Sometimes the higher up the mountain you climb the better the view is. Other times it leads to a hard fall. A hard fall is what Dr Laura took when she flipped out on the air and said some stuff she shouldn’t have. After that she left the mountain top and took a detour from the promised land into the wilderness of Sirius satellite radio. She used to enjoy the kind of command and control that Capt Kirk would’ve envied. These days she’s down to about 6000 Twitter followers.

Traits of highly effective reptilians

A reversal of fortune can be hard to take. Especially when you’re used to having your own way. In willful people this can have some strong reactions. They can lapse into defensiveness, paranoia, or develop odd obsessions. Dr S is particularly strong willed, so the sudden change in the winds of fortune have blown particularly ill for her. In fact it’s lead to a strange consolation. Dr Laura has become a WKRP fan.

“It could happen to anyone so why don’t they understand?”

It’s not that unusual since the show is about radio and Dr S has spent a major part of her highly effective career in the medium. There’s more to the story however. Dr Laura used to be at the top of her game. Then she got in trouble for saying shit on the air. After that she was exiled from mainstream broadcasting. Friends reminded her that this is an occupational hazzard in radio. It’s happened to people like Don Imus. Somewhere along the way some one joked that it even happened to Dr Johnny Fever. That’s where things started to go down hill for Laura sanity wise.

Dr Laura & the parallax view

Dr Laura started watching the show on DVD. Maybe the humour gave her some release from the strain. However she also began identifying with the Dr Fever character. She saw a strange parallel between her own situation and that of Dr Fever’s. He’d been LA’s top DJ and then got banished to Ohio after saying “booger” on the air. After that he was left to waste away playing elevator much in the lowest rated station in Cincinnati. “Just like me!” Dr S has been overheard to say, when discussing the show with her friends (Since it’s the only thing she talks about some days friends are tired of hearing about it). “We’re both Dr’s!” she’s even blurted, in some of her more confused moments.

Livid on the air – those were the days

This has lead to her present sad and sorry state. When Dr S isn’t fielding callers on her Sirius show – often the same caller brought back for two or three days in a row to make up for the lack of fresh callers – she’s holed up in a small room of spacious mansion, alone in the dark watching & WKRP with a bottle of gin beside her. Of course her hero is Johnny and she brightens up whenever he appears on screen. “Booger booger booger!” she will some times drunkenly mutter to herself and then giggle mischievously.

Laura loves Johnny – she’s got the fever!

This is peculiar to say the least. It’s got friends worried. At first they led it slide. She was in the dumps and they cut her some slack. They started to get worried when she began writing and emailing Howard Hessman – the actor who played Johnny. First she told him how much she enjoyed the show, how much it helped her, and what a great actor she thought he was. Then the letters got creepier. Dr Laura began asking him to appear on her radio show as a guest. She even started inviting him to her home. When she began telling him that he was one of the few people that could understand exactly what she was going through, and that it’s like they were soul mates, the alarms bells went off. Friends began worrying about ‘cyber stalking’ & discussing an intervention.

a slim chance of lime light at the end of the shit tunnel – it’s slime light!

Some of Dr Laura friends even took the step of reaching out to Dr Drew. They thought that he might be able to help her. He’s an ambitious & hi profile teleshrink so he would be able to relate. Besides the chance to appear on celebrity rehab might perk her up a bit. Dr S is used to the lime light and misses it desperately. So appearing on reality TV might get her out and talked about again. Plus the slim chance of possible career revival might boost her sagging spirits. It could be a glimmer of light at the end of the shit tunnel.

a dose of reality for sympathetic bitches

Dr S herself even warmed to the idea after friends explained that it was like Heather Mills on Dancing With the Stars. “Well, if it could make that bitch sympathetic imagine what it could do for me!” Laura beamed. Alas it was not to be. When Dr Drew eventually got back to Laura’s people his terse response was “I wouldn’t be in the same room with that over bearing pushy broad if we were both Judging American Idol!” So maybe he is enough like Laura to relate – though I never said it takes one to know one.

wastin’ away again in Margarita-ville

Anyway the rejection has Laura in an even worse way. She’s hitting the gin bottle harder than ever. She spends her days holed up in her TV room watching her favourite shows as the garbage pills up higher around her. The once stylish room is rapidly turning into a dank snake pit. She refuses to see or talk to anyone except he pizza delivery boy, & lives life out through her shows and through booze.

From Fever to Nessman! “There’s a reasonable explanation for this – I’m a conspiracy victim!”
 Wonder Woman is a tin foil hat wearing conspiracy victim

Friends do say there is some sign of change, if not hope. She’s cooling on Dr Fever. Though friends are glad to see the emphasis shift, unfortunately it’s in the direction of conspiracy theories. Dr. S’s new fair haired boy is Texas wild man Alex Jones, and she spends most of the day listening to his on line radio show, down loading his material on line, and posting on his Infowars message board under an assumed identity. She’s even working up the nerve to approach Alex about a possible tet e tet. “He’s into celebs,” she says, “so he’ll talk to me! We can help each other!” (Dr Laura still speaks in exclamation points, so she’s not too far gone) Hopefully she’s not riding for another fall, or the next stop will be UFO and Comicon conventions! I prefer to see the bright side. Look for Dr Laura to re emerge as the host of a conspiracy related radio program sometime in the not too distant future! I can hardly wait for her next “Habits of Highly Effective Reptilians” book!

BS. Now Dr. Laura did say some bad shit on the air. It wasn’t cleared by her excuse either. The fact is that a woman called in looking for help and Laura used it as an opportunity to make some kind of ‘free speech’ political point. Whether or not you believe that her point was valid, wrong, or somewhere in between; it was neither the time nor the place. That’s especially true when she’d tell anyone else in a similar predicament that you have the right not to have anyone in your home who’s ‘crazy, dangerous, or seriously annoying‘ – her standard line.

Still it’s worth considering that from time to time stuff happens. When you work in the media it’s your job to talk. when your mouth is open that much sooner or later your foot’s gonna find it’s way in there. That’s just the law of averages. To illustrate let’s take a look at this amusing news blooper reel!

Embarrassing mishaps are the typo’s in the blog of life!

PS. Now here’s a little something for Calvin’s Canadian Cave of Cool. Wondertrash gets a fair amount of traffic via the Cave of Cool, so it’s only fair.

wondertrash
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