Kristen Stewart is the Conspiracy!

A funny thing happened while taking Liam Rhines for a ride with Paddy Wagoner

While I was busy dreaming up Internet message board aliases today – stuff like Liam Rhines & Paddy Wagoner, I couldn’t help wondering what ever happened to the conspiracy movement. Now if you’re anything like me then you like an occasional far fetched trip the the revolving door of paranoia. So the past ten years were one hell of a ride. If you’ll recall it all began back in New York City on 911 when 19 Islamic  terrorist committed the greatest act of mass murder ever perpetrated on American soil. They pulled it off with out the aid of readily available and perfectly legal semi automatic fire arms too! So this was an event to challenge everyone’s belief system!

Those were the days – back when “going jihad” was the new “gone ballistic”

As the western world reeled from shock it struggled to make sense out of what had just happened. As far as any one could tell Mid Eastern fundies hiding behind their hijabs and armed only with Korans and wild eyed fanaticism had declared war on the United States. Worse still they didn’t do this on behalf of a rogue country like Libya or some such. They weren’t a nation, they were a movement. So they could conceivably be anyone. That made them the worst kind of enemy to reach out and smack – the Invisible Menace! Now if you k now a little American History then you’ve heard that nothing puts the fizz in their Coca Cola like a good ole 5th Column Red Menace. So soon everyone was wondering what might be lurking where the reds under the beds used to be.

There was nothing in Al Capone’s vault but it wasn’t Geraldo’s fault, unless he knows something and he’s not saying!

The plot sickened. George W Bush‘s decisive but befuddled response to the crisis left everyone wondering if he really knew exactly what the fuck he was doing. Then and as people were asking themselves, and each other “exactly how the fuck could this have happened?“,  the stories started coming out – the CIA had been warned in advance that trouble was coming but dismissed the reports. Or they got lost in some bureaucratic haystack of misfiled paper work. Or the CIA had been tracking the terrorists but didn’t consider them a real threat. Or Dick Cheney told NORAD to stand down on the morning of 911 as plane # 2 was coming through – even though the USAF was poised to intercept. There were no clear and present answers and only 2 conclusions: either Bush &amp: Cheney were Col. Klink and Ubersargent Schultz, and running America like Luftstalag 13; or they were the Emperor & Darth Vader and totally in on the event. When given a choice between dishonesty and incompetence most reasonably suspicious people will go for dishonesty every day of the week and twice on Sunday! So that was America’s cue to stock up on tinfoil!

Don’t drink the cool aid; eat the crazy candy!

If I’d only bought aluminum futures 10 years ago then I’d be rich today. That stuff had to have topped out higher than gold at the rate people started wrapping up assorted half truths in it like so many rotten fish heads purloined out of the garbage of some person of interest. People like such as Alex Jones, David Icke, Fritz Springmeier (author of the most elaborate explanation in the world!), and others made full time jobs out of explaining the unexplainable. If you were into taking the red pills then these friendly neighborhood alarmists were your strangers with candy!

News from the dark side – The moon is made of green cheese and if you eat some you’ll flip out; cause it’s totally hallucinogenic!

As the audiences got larger the theories got wilder too. The Queen was a blood drinking child sacrificing Lizard Mother descended from Reptoids living at the center of the earth. 911 was predictive programming to pave the way for a full scale Illuminati world take over. George Bush and a coven of devil worshiping republicans (including Karl “Dr Evil” Rove and the aforementioned Dick Cheney) met yearly at Bohemian Grove not only to raise Cain but the ghost of Alasteir Crowley and channel him as their own personal Baphomet, so they could seek his guidance on how best to mismanage the world. The fact that the economy collapsed only added fuel to the speculation fire. More incompetence or is something really up? Maybe the Jews were so busy running Hollywood that they lost track of the hedge funds? Damn you Baron Rothschild! In short no theory was too crazy to fly if it could be propped up by no more than a half dozen half truths. Plus if you have Internet connection and a decent laptop you could get in on the act too! You could start a blog, backed up with a website, featuring podcasts. Pretty soon you might get a following. That could be your breakthrough into the exciting world of psudo-documentary film making! You’ get your name out there and maybe even earn enough to pay you internet service provider! In short it was a golden age of paranoia. & delusional thinking became a kind of cottage industry.

So is the CIA still monitoring your wet dreams these days?

Then something really dreadful happened. Barack Hussein Obama became the 44th President of the United States of America. I say it was horrible because the guy seems to know what he’s doing. Al Qaida got busted up. Wall Street got a house cleaning. Then the American Economy began creeping towards recovery. As life stabilized and returned to something resembling what it had been before people were once again ready to start making plans, focusing on goals, and using common sense. As people began staying calm and carrying on they lost their zest of alternative reality. Obama’s 2012 re election campaign slogan should’ve been “Are you less nuts then you were 4 years ago“. In fact many people became ashamed that they had ever actually taken any of that wild talk even half way seriously.Continuing conspiracy talk was a painful reminder of their monetary lapse in reason and they wanted the crack pots to go back on their meds already. The Mayan calendar anticlimax was like the last nail in the crazy coffin. Bad news for outlets like Al Jazeera, and murder for aspiring conspiracy theorists out there.

Quiet – the news bots are talking about celebridriods again!

The trouble with paranoia is that when you stir it up it doesn’t always go away right away. It’s fun and exciting. So people start putting all that excess neural energy into alternate theory making. Not the kind of  “How many national TV news anchors are really androids?” stuff. As I said that would be embarrassingly painful. So it may find a harmless outlet. That might mean stuff like celebrity gossip. Now people weren’t quite ready to return to the good ole “who’s gay?” typo of speculation. That would be too mundane for one thing. All those new and now idle neural pathways needed some more substantial food for thought. So lucky for you this is where Kristen Stewart comes in! Bon appetite!

So what if Romeo & Juliet had fangs?

Now for the half dozen or so who don’t know, perhaps because they were doing something actually worthwhile like delivering UNICEF packages to starving children on the other side of the planet; Kristen Stewart is a 22 year old actress who plays a vampire’s girlfriend in a long series of Twilight movies. Her boyfriend, in the films and in real life, is played by the Brit heart throb actor Robert Pattinson or RPatz as he is known to anyone not his friend. They play alienated teenagers who find gothy true love together in about 5 films that have become the Love Story or Titanic of today’s teenager. Now vampires and werewolves sound kinda campy but bear in mind that they coat tailed in on the Harry Potter craze, The Adams Family and the Munsters are too long ago to be really familiar to kids today, and that the past ten years have been some real crazy shit!

“My name is Bella Swann. I’m a high school student who’s boyfriend bites people. So in real life that would probably mean he’d have to be on medications.”

Like I said for several years Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and a half dozen Twilight movies were like the next biggest thing to full government disclosure on the UFO invasion. We were living in rough times and needed some kind of distraction. It’s what entertainers do and we love them for it (even if we sometimes hurt the ones we love). Basically people took this Twilight shit a bit more seriously than they should have. When the two popular young stars began seeing each other in real life people took to it like the second coming of Charles & Diana. Fandom practically had the pair married, living in a haunted house, and holding black masses together. When Kristy’s inevitable happy event would be declared the only question would be not “boy or girl?“, but “vampire or were wolf?” even though dating the same guy since you were seventeen and then marrying him at 22 isn’t even the American Dream in a trailer park. Still the whole teen opera kept movie goers on the edge of their seats and made some good coin. Now how could that possibly go wrong?

So next you’re gonna tell me Pam Anderson’s tits ain’t real!

Kristen was looking for a follow up from from Twilight and a new franchise reared it’s head in her direction. It was Snow White and the Huntsman. It was directed by a fellow named Rupert Saunders. he’s the most hated man in the Twilight Netherverse. You see basically while Kristy was enjoying her new found franchise and thinking to herself “How fucking lucky can I get?” she did something that shocked and disappointed her legions of Twilight True Believers. She committed an indiscretion with her director Mr Saunders. Now Kristen is a 22 year old woman working in an industry not known for monogamy or anything but in this case what she did was wrong for three reasons: Rupert wasn’t Robert Pattinson, he wasn’t even Taylor Lautner, and he was ( and currently still is) married. So her flirtation, though ordinarily the stuff of Sex and the City episodes or Cosmo articles, became a stake through the heart of vampire Santa Claus. Oh yeah and a whole new term – “trampire”  – got coined.

More shit than can fit in a tin foil hat!

Now that had everyone doing what they do when something unexpected happens – making shit up. This time the public had some new brain circuitry to work with too – let’s call it the Paranoia Switchboard. People began struggling to make sense out of Krity’s bizarre behavior so all kinds of wacko theories started circulating. They were theories like “Rob & Kristy were only pretending to be in love as part of a nefarious studio scheme to bilk the public out of money“, or “She was set up“, Some people thought that the photos had been manufactured by Photoshop. In fact it might even have been some plot by a rival studio to sink the franchise. You know what those deceitful bastards are like with their trick photography. Maybe the paparazzi even lured her into a compromising situation so that the could sell rags by getting everyone to misconstrue something that was really totally innocent anyway. Then there was the good ole reliable “It never happened” & “They’re gay“.

Let’s see Tila Tequila explain this one!

Now the pleasure of a good conspiracy theory is understandable. My only question is “why not go completely nuts?” For instance maybe Kristy is a MK Ultra mind controlled monarch slave and Rupert got to her with one of those sneaky little trigger phrases? Some innocent figure of speech like “I don’t bite” might have had the bells and lights in Kristy’s head going off until she couldn’t remember the difference between “Robert” & “Rupert“. The names are so similar, and especially when you’re in a trance induced dissociative state, that a girl can become confused! Besides Kristy has to be Illuminati. For one thing Stewart is a very old an revered occult bloodline name. It goes right back to the day when Scottish wizard King James 1 embedded satanic messages into the protestant Bible. In fact James Stewart was the guy who invented backward masking. If you don’t believe me then just say the Lord’s Prayer backwards and see what happens!

It makes sense if you think about it a little after sniffing a lot of glue.

For that matter the girl in the picture might not have even been the real Kristen Stewart. Since Kristy is undoubtedly Illuminati then she was probably a twin. The occult world loves twins and often artificially induces them by injecting expectant mothers with enzymes (code named “witch’s brew“, and not to be confused with “witches’ brew” which causes autism). Some where along the line the other Kristen Stewart escaped from the freedom train. Then years later showed up and decided to wreak her terrible revenge by getting herself mistaken for her famous and favored sister in that infamous picture. So there you have it – this is obviously an “evil twin” scenario! Of course Kristen couldn’t explain. For one thing she probably doesn’t know about her evil twin. Being the innocent girl she is when she saw those pictures in the paper she just assumed that it must be her because who else could it be? If she couldn’t remember the incident, it’s because missing time is no big deal for a young woman with her background. Besides she probably believes everything she reads in the entertainments rags, like for instance she’s in love with RPatz!

Coming Soon – Twilight: Awakening! Thank you Kristen Stewart (and that includes your evil twin too *wink wink*).

Upshot is that this whole thing might be going a little too far. Stewart didn’t toss a baby off of a cliff, or an old woman under a bus. She’s a 22 year old actress who slept with her director. I hear that sort of thing happens in Hollywood from time to time. Her major sin was not sticking with the same guy since when was 17. That is something that happens almost nowhere in modern American, not even in Hollywood. Does she deserve a break? I don’t know that. It’s a question for hysterical and paranoid movie goers to decide. I can only say one thing personally “Kristen Stewart, thank you for keeping the conspiracy alive!” I just hope this whole thing doesn’t do to The Vampire Diaries what Pres Obama did to the conspiracy movement.

wondertrash
Enhanced by Zemanta
Advertisements
  • Calendar

    • November 2017
      M T W T F S S
      « Apr    
       12345
      6789101112
      13141516171819
      20212223242526
      27282930  
  • Search