Bad Grammer

Kelsey Frasier Grammer had been married to Real Housewives Camille Donatacci for 13 and had 2 kids: Jude and Mason. Then their marriage exploded in allegations of cheating and cross dressing. The cheating allegations proved true, we can only guess about the cross dressing.

We know that the cheating stories were true because Kelsey side piece came out fo the wood work claiming to be knocked up by the TV star. The sides piece was a British airline hostess fresh from the friendly skies and named Kayte Walsh. She was 30 and Grammer was 56.

Kayte miscarried, but Frasier claimed that he wanted to marry the woman anyway, causing some to wonder whether he had alcohol related brain damage or something. So some nuptials got planned. Before they could get followed through on a divorce had to be planned – it’s just like a fairy tale! So Frasier and the missus went at it. Housewives fan saw that play pout on Camille’s reality TV show!

Lawyers were hired and blame was assigned. It could’ve dragged on and on and on, but Kelsey was eager for the beaver, so he coughed up 50 mill to get it over and done with quickly, if not painlessly. The ideas was that Camille would take the hefty windfall and go off to do what ever Hollywood ex wives do: live happily ever after in a wold of plastic surgery, colonic therapy, and New Age self exploration. Maybe she’d write a book about reinventing herself.

This is where the hangover starts. Seems that Kelsey’s plans to get everything clued up quick hit a snag when he and Camille started bickering over the kids. According to Camille, who has given her side to the National Enquirer, she was only too happy to share joint custody with Kelsey. But then Grammer got greedy and demanded total sole custody of the kids. That would’ve cut Mom out of the picture. So the pair went to war – funny how unavoidable war is even in our present enlightened age. Must be a human nature thing I guess.

According to Camille Grammar has no right to full custody. After all he’s the one who selfishness ruined his marriage by knocking up a stewardess. That left the children confused and traumatized. He abandoned his parental rights when he abandoned his parental duties, and you can’t have it both ways, even if you’re Dr Frasier Crane!

Frasier did some other bad suff to. Frasier has been introducing the kids to the new Mrs Grammar. That’s awkward but unavoidable. However something he might have avoided doing was introducing her to the kids as “your other mother”. I guess that makes Camille “the starter mom”. Naturally Camille saw red, hit the roof, and then went ballistic, after hearing about Kelsey’s grammar! Now any farm boy fresh off the back of the pick up could’a told him that was a bad idea. Maybe he was being spiteful. You know how adversity brings out the best in people, unless adversity is a divorce, in which case the devil might go running for shelter.

“Just say ‘yes!’ – If we can separate image from self, then we can get rid of awareness, and that will make reality obsolete!”

Kelsey Grammar’s sleazy antics once again raise the question of “Why do the beautiful people engage in self destructive behavior?” That’s a question at least as old as the self help movement. So we can date it as far back as the 60’s. It’s lead to the whole self awareness movement, which evolved into New Age, and eventually Oprah Winfrey! Now self awareness is a long involved process and that takes both time and effort. Why make a long haul commitment when you can fly now and pay later? That’s the $64 000 question that helped self help evolve into what it’s become today – what ever that is.

Now it shouldn’t surprise you to know that the whole self help movement was invented back in the early 60’s by a plastic surgeon named Maxwell Maltz. He’s reputed to have done way more than 60 000 nose jobs before he got wise. He discovered somewhere in the process of bobbing those noses that you could make a woman look like a princess but she’d still feel like a loser.

So Maltz decided that the problem was self image. That’s when he made the switch from plastic surgery to pop psychology! He decided that what you had to do to make people whole healthy and successful was to do some reconstructive surgery on their self image. Then you could crack out winners as if by assembly line. He called it working on the person from the circumference in, instead of from the center out! So you can tell it was invented by a plastic surgeon. In a way you could say that he invented the make over – which is what self help has become (though that’s not a 64 000 question, or at least I ain’t gonna get anything for that answer!).

hear now!

Here now is an audio of the book that made Maltz an obscure household name. So set your servo mechanism towards personal growth and tune into Psycho-cybernetics! Your self image will thank you for it! Actually it won’t. That shallow selfish nob will move on and lose your phone number!
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Oksana Grigorieva makes nice


Oksana Grigorieva was a troublesome woman who caused all sorts of unnecessary anguish. Then she met Mel Gibson! Not that her life began with Gibson. She’d been around, and for a while. She’d been some sort of musician, though people who know her laugh at the claim to anything serious. She’d gotten knocked up by Timothy “The Spy Who Shagged Me” Dalton. She had a kid by him, named Alexander, and that kept her in walking around money for a few years. It didn’t do much for Dalton since his career went into a death spiral after getting his dose of Grigorieva. There are somethings that even James Bond can’t survive. Still it might be unfair to give Oksie too mucgh credit. Dalton’s career was also undermined by his habit of walking around hot Hollywood eateries with his fly down and no underwear on!

she’s silly putty purty!

Anyhow Momma’s Little Dividend kept Oksie livin’ the lifestyles of the rich and famous Hollywood style for a few years. That was convenient since she wasn’t getting any younger and had to pay for the up keep on her face, which was how she made her living. So that left her living it up, getting silly putty injected into her head, and sizing up her next victim! For awhile that looked like record producer David Foster. She was staying in his guest house and putting a lot of pressure on the poor man’s marriage when some one better came along in the form of Mel Gibson. So she latched onto him, but not before trashing Foster’s marriage.

the poor man’s rich girl, or vice versa

Part of what ruined Foster’s marriage was that Oksany was knocked up in the family way with a child that might or might not have been Super Dave’s. That takes infidelity beyond the level of keeping some stray Russian tramp in the pool house (which would be much more fun if the Russian in question was Milla Jovovich, and not some down market blow jobber who looks like she pay off her lips on the installment plan). Mrs Foster need not have jumped the gun since Oksany was busy reconsidered her child’s paternity! She decided that the father might actually be Mel, and not the guy she’d been slutting it up win the pool house with for awhile. That might sound revisionist, but Oksany is a big believer in convenience – her own if not any one else’s.

from Russia with love & C.O.D.!

So that lead to the explosion of Mel’s marriage. Illegitimate kids by Russian sluts will do that. Mel insisted that he left his wife because they lacked common spiritual ground – and finding common ground with Mello these days might require a tinfoil hat – but since she was the one who filed you can use your imaginations. That left poor Mel showing off his new *ahem* prize in public, and in a serious of embarrassing music videos. Maybe they were mucus videos – who knows.

love or a cold war

The relationship seemed happy, if embarrassing, for awhile. Yet the course of true love never runs smooth. That’s to say nothing about whatever Mel and Oksany shared. So soon enough things took one of those strange turns that characterize Mel’s life lately. Some how the love birds turned on each other. Mel made a lot of bad remarks about Oksany publicly – like she was a drunken smutty pig. Or he would have if he hadn’t thought that might be an insult to drunken smutty pigs.

love is never having to speak up for the tape recorder

He said a lot of other stuff too, and didn’t mind who felt insulted by that. We know because Oksany had taken to taping their heated phone conversations. Perhaps it was out of sentiment, and a desire to preserve the memory of what they had after Braveheart had moved on. You know how soft heart money grubbing whores can be. She wasn’t shy about sharing Mel’s special feelings with the world either – & the tapes found their way onto TMZ, or Radaronline, on one of these trash sites (heh heh). When you a woman who’s well and truly loved then you just want the whole world to know about it and envy you, so who can blame her!

hand puppet theater – sock it to me!

Now that didn’t do Mel’s career any good, not that there was anything left of it to worry about; beside that sock puppet film he had cooked up with Jodie Foster (who may or may not be related to David Foster, depending on how paranoid you are about nepotism in Hollywood). Since Mel was kind of hanging on by a shred of a thread he kind of took it personally. So the gloves were off and the lawyers were in on the act. Tempers boiled and rhetoric became inflammatory, while onlookers feared that the situation might go OJ if participants didn’t watch their step, or if Mello got too liquored up and had a bad day. He did make those rose garden comments!

things come fool circle

Just when it seemed that the shit would hit the fan things calmed down. Part of this was because Oksany had to take it instead of just dishing it. Mel got some friends in the Malibu Police Dept – he’s still got a few – to look into extortion charges and possible deportation. Exile from the land of opportunity seemed to put the fear of God into her godless commie soul. Plus she’d become part of the story and the paparazzi were hounding her in public. She was easier to get to than Mel, but her shit backfiring on her wasn’t anything she’d planned on, and seemed to take some of the fun out of it for her. Meanwhile Mel had gone back to his wife Robin, and that seemed to be a stabilizing influence on him. So the only thing left was for the dust to settle.

The Tabloid Narc

That seemed to have happened. Some time last week the Enquirer, unless it was the Examiner, The Globe, or some other shit mag, reported that Mel and Oksany had been spotted out in public together walking calmly and talking softly without any broken teeth or enraged screaming. Perhaps the absence of a tape recorder helped to keep thing on the level. Anyway the tabloid narc, who knew Mel in some capacity, said that he looked at him with a ‘what the fuck’ expression on his face. Mel just nodded and looked back, unless he looked back first and then nodded. There may or may not have been a wink involved.

Mel less psychotic than usual

So while anyone who was still interested was busy asking “what the fuck is going on with Gibson” it comes out that Oksany has just dropped her domestic assault charges. Those charges stemmed from the tape recording period. Oksany claimed that an enraged and psychotic Mel had fucked up her face while out of his mind. She mentioned that again and again during the recordings. Most figured that it was a life time of bad plastic surgery that left her worse for wear, but that was a matter for the courts to decide.Or it was before Oksany dropped the charges.

hit me baby one more time

Now Oksany had been all worked up what with being abused and all. Apparently getting smacked in the gov, allegedly, by Gibson was some great matter of principle that everyone was required to support her on by backing her to the hilt like she was Rihanna or something. Once she actually sat down and thought about it, though, she seemed to feel more like Tila Tequila, as in “Let’s put the whole Merriman mess behind us so I can get on with my career“. Oksany doesn’t pout it so cynically. She spins it a little more sympathetically, which is what you do if you want people to support you, or at least not try and take your head off for continuing to waste their time.

round 2?

Oksany version, which she gave to E via her lawyer through a “source” claims that Mrs. G dropped her case because she wanted to be free to contact Gibson in relation to their daughter Lucia. So she’s basically putting the well being of her daughter first, and wasn’t using the charges as leverage in a low down and dirty custody battle. That means the man that she swore on a stack was a danger to life and limb is now free to once again be an active participant in the life of both her and her daughter. So this is the part where something in her story just doesn’t add up, like “were you shitting us then, or are you shitting us now?” Maybe she was shitting us all along. Maybe, like Jodie Foster and the movie going public, she’s decided that Mel ain’t so bad, only a bit misunderstood stood. It’s a lady’s prerogative to change her mind, but honesty ain’t required.

Wonder Woman sez – “Don’t be a victim!”

Lunapic Photo Editing


Malcolm in a Mess

Increasingly adult situations continue to pose problems for child actors

Remember Frankie Muniz? He was the smart alecky high schooler and awkward middle child on Malcolm In The Middle. Since he portrayed a teen ager who had a thought in his head and who could confront increasingly adult situations with a glimmer of intelligence and sensitivity, it gave him credibility as an actor. The way it gave Fred Savage that years before, on the Wonder Years. Well that is before Fred got charged or sued by that wardrobe girl who claimed he felt her up.

I’m not a genius but I play one on TV

People had higher hopes for Muniz. He played a kid with a 160 IQ so that oughta count for something. Plus he seemed comfortable with letting go of fame. He wasn’t out trying to get some new series, or singing career on the go. He was doing other things to keep him interested. He started racing cars. Now that’s a sensible outlet to youthful exuberance, as opposed to crashing them on freeways. He did get a band on the go, but he played serious gigs. Not MTV type stuff angled at starting a performing career. So maybe this was one child star who’d turn out to be normal.

Trouble & Turnblow Love

If that’s what you expected then you might find the most recent news out of Muniz disappointing. Seems that Frankie’s latest increasing adult situation ain’t working out for him. Frankie has gotten involved with a girl –Elycia Turnbow. Turnblow has set herself up to be the Mila Kunis to Muniz creepy troubled Macaulay Kulkin. Not that I’m accusing anyone of playing the “How Does She Put Up With Him” game (read Eric Burns). Let’s just say that the more involved with Turnblow he got, the creepier and more troubled Muniz became. Maybe that’s what she likes about him. Who knows but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt.

Malcolm in a muddle

Anyway the latest increase in Muniz’s adult situation came just recently, and in the form of domestic assault. According to Muniz’s girlfriend (if she’s as much of a girl as she is a friend then she might be a female impersonator!) in her official police report: sometime last Friday they were arguing about previous relationships (she was threatening to leave and go back with her old boyfriend) when Frankie flipped the fuck out and got all despondent. That is a pulled a loaded gun and held to his own head. That was after he punched her in the head and shoved her into a wall. Then he made some noises about killing himself. Naturally she phoned for help, ’cause people need to know what sort of a lunatic she’s living with.

Love for the record

Not surprisingly Muniz had a different story. Firstly he claims, in his official police statement, that “I love her too much. She is the woman I want to marry.” A pathetic cry for help if I’ve ever heard one! After putting everything into context, he then he goes on to tell what he says really happened. He was sleeping last Friday when about 10 PM he was awakened by someone screaming and hitting him in the face. This was the love of his life, the aforementioned Turnblow.

love & other guns

Well Frankie says that what happened next was him just trying to defend himself from that onslaught of love taps. Except for the part about the gun. The gun wasn’t loaded, for one thing. For another he says he didn’t even pull the gun on himself, but the gun holster. It was just a way of making a point, like using air quotes. That Malcolm always could talk himself out of a spot.

Unfortunately this time the cops checked the gun, and found that it was in fact loaded. Perhaps the difference between Muniz and Charlie Sheen is that Charlie would’ve pulled the gun on the chick. So is that why he makes $2 million a week and Muniz can’t get arrested (even lately)? The wimp has no killer instinct!

no harm no foul, but don’t do it again

Maybe that’s also why Muniz didn’t get arrested. The cops checked both parties for injuries, and found none. So that left them with a ticklish “He said, she said” situation of the kind that makes hardened police officers check out for donuts when ever a domestic complaint is called in. Besides, what else could they do, other than impound the gun. Which they did. They also warned the young lovers that if they keep up the mischief, then the next time they’re both going to jail. Sounds like they were too cynical to decide who to root for in that situation!

I’m not normal but I play it on TV

So that upshot is that yet another child star is going off the rails, as Muniz has had his Fred Savage Moment. Which is almost ironic considering shat a good job he did off acting normal on his show. Then again there’s a lot of difference between acting normal and being normal. Whatever normal is. So we shouldn’t be too surprised that Muniz is in his current increasingly adult type situation. Remember that he’s only accused of turning a gun on himself, and not anyone else. So there’s hope for him. Wish him luck, readers!


More Trouble for Jessica Simpson Simpson’s life has had it’s ups & downs. She was the third most popular teen singer in America back in the Britney SpearsChristine Aguilera period. She came back from obscurity by marrying Nick Lachey and participating in a reality TV series with him. Then she went rogue after getting her Dukes of Hazard part. Going rogue meant that while Nick was doing the talk radio rounds insisting that the Newlyweds were still fine, she was holed up in some hotel room getting it on – allegedly – with her costar Johnny Knoxville. That rumor was denied, even though folks on the scene were saying that Knoxville’s partner was showing up on set and having a fit about the sleeping arrangements. Apparently Jessica requested the room next to Knoxville. At least she didn’t get Knoxed up or anything, but her marriage went kaput.

ride ‘er, Cowboy!

When her marriage went kaput her career went with it. Jess & Nick were kind of a package deal, and she screwed that up. The public wasn’t happy about her loose ways, so she lost a lot of sympathy. What she lost in sympathy she made up in Tony Romo. That was another sad story, as Dallas Cowboys fans blamed the QB’s lackluster performance on The Simpson Effect. Some of the coaching staff even considered having Jess banned from games, after opposing fans started showing up to games wearing Jessica Simpson masks in an attempt to freak out Romo. Cowboys management needn’t have worried too much. The relationship ran it’s inevitable course. After tony got pissed with Jess’s constant drinking her dumped her ass in an IHOP parking lot, deep in the middle of Texas and miles from nowhere. A weepy hysterical Simpson then had to arrange for some one to pick her up, and wait several hours bawling in the parking lot.

flat as a pancake on the road to romance

No one knows whether the International House of Pancakes had anything to do with what followed, but Jessica put on a ton of weight. She showed up for some performance – it might have been a chilly cook off country music festival sponsored by KISS FM Florida – wearing mom jeans and looking like silly putty. Now she was not as big as everyone made out, but the jeans did nothing to camouflage her condition. So everyone was talking about how fat she’d got (no one assumed that she was pregnant). She made the cover of some national magazine, sharing it with Pres Obama. The Pres was even obliged to take time away from his Superbowl picks to comment on that during a TV interview!

at least Rahm Emmanuel isn’t writing his material anymore

That Obama and his one liners! I’m sure he resented having time taken away from important issues, like who he picked to win. As for Jessica, she may have had some bad experiences with Mr. Sunday, but she was willing to give athletes another chance. That’s where Eric Johnson came in.

when you’ve got no other offers, you a free agent

Eric was not only an athlete, but another football player – a free agent in the NFL. They started dating in May 2010. So they were an time, and were seen all over the place getting oozy cozy with each other in their respective end zones. One thing lead to another and soon enough an engagement was announced. So it looked like things were finally looking up for Jessica.

weighty affairs & heavy issues

Jessie’s bad karma must not be totally played out yet, because the poor girl has hit another snag on the road to happiness, again. Seems that Mr Johnson has some issues he wants set straight before they tie the knot. The issue, of course, is Jessie’s weight. Seems that Jess never totally took it off. Maybe sobriety didn’t agree with her; and once the nausea finally went away she might have rediscovered her appetite, and then decided to replace one addiction with another, more fattening one. Eric – allegedly a vegan (sure his an NFL player?) has now insisted that Jessie has got to drop some serious weight before they can take it to the next level.

another breakthrough from the National Enquirer!

According to the National Enquirer – who did some fine work wrecking John Edwards life (To which many will respond “So what?“. When your main claim to fame is two timing your dying wife and using her illness to get sympathy support for your presidential bid, you’re not gonna be on many folks Christmas card lists.) Eric has a big beef over the weight problem. Jess is 5′ 3” and hitting the 150 pound mark. She can’t stop eating, especially anything fried; which she likes to knock back with Margaritas. Eric is in top form, and thinks that Simpson should be putting in the same effort. So he laid down an ultimatum – “Diet or we’re done!

never says ‘diet’

Now they’ve been hooked up for months, so you’d think things would be fairly stable. However the pair have been having brutal fights recently. According to the NE the rows are about Simpson’s weight. They even maintain that it was during one of their most recent slag offs that Johnson laid down the ultimatum. That still leaves the question of “why bring it up now?

Jess was becoming a handful in more ways than two?

My theory – weight isn’t the real issue. According to the grape vine, Jessica can be a pill one on one. Romo was so glad to be rid of her that he had her banned from his premises after their bust up, and even left word with security to make sure she didn’t get past the gate. Now the weight wasn’t an issue before, but Johnson has gotten to know Jessica a little better now. Some times that doesn’t work out for her. So maybe this whole weight thing is a big excuse. Perhaps the fellow is desperately looking for an out. The thing is that some guys dig big chicks; but no one likes a handful!

PS That Obama video, featured above, was not actually what the president said at the time – but something rigged up by Tea Baggers working with FOX News. You know what they’re like!


Here We Go Again

same old story, same old song & dance Law & Sienna Miller are a stormy old story. They began together back at the turn of the century – when Jude was still with the mother of a few of his biological children (there have been more since though it’s hard to keep track exactly). That spark a kind of an outrage but Sienna insisted that what she did she did for love, and there’s nothing wrong with that. So they were cut some slack. That is until handsome Jude two timed Sienna with his kids’ nanny. Miller went around moaning and weeping to the media about how her adulterous love had been betrayed. She also soaked up more than her share of sympathy at Jude’s expense. Since Jude was the heavy in the piece supporting Sienna was a way of blaming him: pro vs con. When will we learn – both sides might be bad!

So while Jude disappeared into obscurity, Sienna went on to cash in by playing prestige roles – the kind that require British accents. She did a bunch of costume period pieces and while none of them were ever Box Office No 1’s, they got her the rep of a good actress and the established career that came with it.

Sienna keeps busy on the rebound guess that getting away with it must’ve gone right to Sienna’s little blond head, because the more successful she got the less sympathetic her antics became. She bounced back from Jude and into the arms of a series of married men. I won’t say that she’s gone through other people’s relationships like a cannon ball through a China shop; but she has probably ruined almost as many marriages as Facebook. In fact wrecking marriages seemed to be almost some kind of game to her. No sooner was one relationship kaput then she’d drop the dude and look for fresh fields to blight. The last marriage she torpedoed was Balazathar Getty’s. Getty had the double advantage of being a regularly employee actor, but an heir to the Getty Oil Fortune (those Gettys). So Sienna had to have him. She made no secret of it either as the pair were photographed in any number of friendly positions.

corpus delicti & modus operandus now the public was getting tired of her. She was regularly referred to as Sienna the slut & Sienna the Homewrecker (If Chelsea Handler thinks that Angelina Jolie is a homewrecking whore then she’d better never be in the same room with Sienna Miller). Her flat in London got slut spray painted on it. Worse still her colleagues were even more sick of her than the public. She got kicked off of Sherwood for allegedly making a play for Russ Crowe. It would be good for her career, get her in the headlines, plus it’s just her usual modus operandi. Russ showed he was more than a pretty face and told her to fuck the hell off. Then he had her fired. She got pissy and made the kind of trouble that wears out your welcome in Hollywood.

When Sienna got pissy she started making up stories concerning her firing. When an A List actress bails on a major production naturally people are gonna ask questions. So Sienna had some answers for them. For one thing she said that she wasn’t fired, she quit, she said. If you don’t believe that an ambitious girl like Sienna would walk off an A List movie she had an explanation for that too. According to Sienna the movie was unbelievable because Russ Crowe was so fat no one would ever believe that a beautiful girl like Sienna could be in love with him. Then the Sherwood stills came out showing Russ leaner than he was in Gladiator. So people knew Sienna was making up stupid lies to cover herself and make herself look good!

Sienna gets insubordinate Hollywood that sin might’ve been forgivable. How ever Sienna had to follow that by going a bridge too far. She floated a rumor that the project was in trouble because Russ Crowe was trying to get his best friendly Ridley Scott replaced as director. 2 things you need to know about this: 1 actors will form working relationships with directors, like Johnny Depp and Tim Burton. This director will always put them in their work, so it assures an actors career when Super Director will only work with him in a project. Since you owe your career to the guy crossing him would be career suicide.

foxy bitches

The second thing is that directors are one rung up the food chain from actors on the Hollywood food chain. When an actor and director cross, the director wins and the actor doesn’t work anymore. Remember when Megan Fox was the hottest young actress in Hollywood. Then she called Transformers 2 stupid (or maybe she was referring to Wonder Woman, and called T2 “lame”). Anyway Michael Bay took exception, He then went on to make a public statement reminding Megan that he’d made her what she is, and questioning her appreciation for that. Megan got nervous and at an awards presentation shortly afterward made a point of telling the world how grateful she was for her Hollywood career, regardless of what else she’d been saying before. It was too late, the damage was done; and now Transformers 3 is rolling out with out Megan. bring up Megan as an example of the price paid for defying the pecking order in show business. While Megan merely ran off at the mouth, Sienna’s stunt was truly shitty. It was something that neither Crowe or Scott was likely to forget. So her next film was GI Joe. Though Miller said that she was happy to do a film people actually enjoyed for a change – there was no talk about her featuring in any sequels. So her next stop was Broadway. Though Broadway used to be the bog deal in American Drama, back in the days of theater; Andrew Lloyd Weber has killed that. Now it’s some where desperate actors land when they’re looking for something to break their fall. Worse for her, once her show was clued up there was no word on any furture bookings.

success equals sequels

Though the future was bleak for Sienna thing were looking oup for her former lover Jude Law. He’d over come a few major scandals – like knocking up an American model and knocking out a female tab reporter in Brit – largely through the anti Sienna backlash. Since she was such a rabid slut, Jude couldn’t have been completely at fault. That got him a measure of redemption which allowed him to regain a portion of his career. he got some screen work again, and was fortunately cast as Dr Watson alongside Robert Downey as Sherlock Holmes. That was fortunate because Robb Downey was now Ironman, Ironman was a hot, and the studios would let Doweny do other stuff as long as he kept doing Iroman. So the Sherlock Holmes project was good for one or two sequels. That meant Law was back on the high way and headed to the fast lane again. with things looking up for Law, there were now certain career opportunities for Sienna. Opportunities of the kind that the girl friends of working Hollywood actors might have access to. So naturally she made a play at her old boyfriend. Naturally enough Sienna went back after Law, and astonishingly he took her back. While the world asked “WTF is Law thinking?“, Sienna happily anticipated her return to motion picture work, once her grand strategy of sleeping her way into Hollywood paid off. After all, she wouldn’t be the first chick who made in that towen on her back (though she’d have been one of the few to make it back. Once you fuck up that bad you don’t get in no matter how sexy a fuck you are, even if you’re Sean Young!).

Maybe the world should’ve asked “How long will it last this time?” If that had been the question then we’d have our answer already. Seems that, and in spite of announcements about impending nuptials and non legally binding Buddhist commitment ceremonies; the couple have once again called it quits. A statement from Jude and Sienna’s respective reps was issued earlier confirming that the couple were no longer a couple. In fact that’s what Law’s rep told People mag earlier – so its’ official. Jude’s rep said “I can confirm that Jude Law and Sienna Miller are no longer in a relationship. It is mutual and amicable and they are still friends,” a friend told the mag, adding, “It was an entirely an end-of-the relationship decision. It had run its course.

So where does that leave us? It was a mutual split, like last time. It was also amicable, like last time. There was no talk about Jude’s cheating, but there will be when Sienna resorts to her usual behavior, like last time. Jude will continue to hover around Hollywood as a B Lister supporting actor with potential, like before. Sienna will probably continue to make herself unwelcome where ever she goes, like she always does. If this whole sad sorry mess proves anything it’s that some people don’t learn from their mistakes. So don’t be too surprised if they eventually get back together again, for another stab at things before another break up. So we’ll be hearing more aboutt hem again, Which is a pity. Just because some people don’t learn from their mistakes is no reason why the rest of us should go on hearing about it!


Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony close to break up

Livin la vida Lopez

Jennifer Lopez brings a lot to a relationship – like her big freakin’ ego. She also has as much impact on the guys she’s with as a meteor strike. Like remember when Ben Affleck used to have a A List career? You may remember Ben from such flicks as Pearl Harbor with some chick named Kate Beckinsale. Oh yeah, and he co stared in all of Matt Damon’s early work – you know, his good stuff, before he went Bourne Identity.

The good, the bad, but mostly the fugly

Back then Benji was Hollywood’s #1 stud. So naturally JLo figured that she was entitled (note to celebrities, if you’re gonna change your name and then change it back; then don’t change it to anything shorter or easier to spell than your original working name. Writers are lazy bastards, so if the new name is easier it’s gonna stick – like JLo!). JLo insinuated her way into Ben’s life until they became Brangelina before Brangelina was cool. They even had a nifty combination name – Bennifer!

actor loses his damon

The Bennifer moniker should give everyone who doesn’t recall an indication of what everyone at the time thought about their pairing. Matt Damon was so disgusted that he turned his back on Ben. He went on to make some remarks in interviews about it being like watching a car wreck – ‘you try to give the guy a few heads up, but then you realize that there’s nothing you can do‘. Since the industry and the fans were already through with Affleck, Damon made it unanimous. With Affleck’s image and career in shreds, the woman known as La Porca in some segments of the Latino entertainment community moved on. Not that Benji was the first damage she’d done.

Diddy diddly do!

Back in the day she used to hang with Diddy. Diddy was the guy who made her a star (she was briefly known for playing slain Texmex singer Selina in a biopic made after the sexy singer’s untimely demise; but the consensus at the time was that Lopez lacked the charisma, talent, and sex appeal to do Selina justice. Since JLo gave a disappointing performance in a disappointing film, she went away for awhile, until Anaconda.) by producing her one successful, and genuinely good, album. That w as the one that featured her “If You Want My Love” single.

the scene of the crime

Diddy was handling JLo in every sense of the word, not just career wise. So they were out and about together quite a bit. In fact JPig was on his arm that fateful night when some one got shot at a club the dynamic duo were attending. No one is quite sure exactly what happened, even though there was some kind of a trial to determine exactly what happened. All anyone is relatively sure of is that a gun got drawn, and then discharged. After that Diddy and JPig were seen beating a hasty exit from the nightclub. Some witness claimed he saw a gun get heaved out of the sun roof of Diddy’s limo as it sped away from the crime scene. While it might be unfair to say that JPig was responsible for that, or helped cause the incident, Diddy dumped her fat ass shortly after the trial clued up. Don’t make a lady angry until you’ve got her testimony on record!

JLo seemed to have mellowed with age. For one thing she had become willing to pay for companionship. While some were observing that it was the only way she could get it after her train wreck love life, her defenders maintained that it was a bad habit she picked up off of her idol Madonna. Anyway paying for love is where Marc Anthony came in.

“cash flow” spells “flash cow”

He was a back up singer for JLo or something, and Her Majesty began waving money under his nose. So naturally he went for it. A Lucrative deal it was too. JLo was worth a ton. She’d done quite a few A List movies – all of which flopped (People were so sick of Lopez by that time that they wouldn’t even pay to see her die in Jersey Girl – though it must of been tempting for many), but she still had to be paid a king’s ransom for doing them. So she had a hefty sized nut tucked away. Over $100 mill by some estimates.

booty looty

So JLo kept Marc A interested by making free with her considerable loot. She bought him a part interest in a major league sports franchise for one thing. Not that she didn’t get value for her money. Marc some how managed to went on to father twins on Lopez. Lopez went on to lavish money on them too. For one thing they were only allowed to wear designer duds, and even then each item was only worn once. Oh yeah, and she also bought a couple of diamond studded baby rattles for the tots. Since babies are two young to appreciated the value of diamonds (something to do with a state of blessed innocence), it’s safe to assume that this was another Lopez ego trip in overdrive.

What with the constant egomania JPig must’ve been a real pill to live with. If it wasn’t for her millions and millions of dollars it just wouldn’t have been worth it (and money was all that she had. Marc A’s career didn’t exactly move into overdrive – unlike JLo’s ego – since hooking up with her. Though she’s never done a guy’s career any good, these days she’s got less star maker ability than Tom Cruise. Not that I’m comparing Marc A to Katie Holmes or anything.). The trouble is that the money is running out. With the money running out the marriage is starting to crack.

putting the passion back in the relationship

Financial concerns may have been what caused JLo to take the American Idol gig. It also caused her to move to LA, which is a city Marc A hates passionately. So Marc has retaliated by booking himself out on tour for around about the time that JLo’s American Idol gig starts. So he won’t be in the audience all supportive of the little woman, like Sarah Palin during Bristol’s Dancing With The Stars spot. What’s more Marc ain’t taking the missus’ phone calls. Or when he does he yells at her and hangs up.

dues to pay

The plot thickens. Some, like Celebitchy, have called Marc ‘money hungry‘ for booking his tour dates. They have also pointed out that Marc A has some heavy duty IRS trouble in the form of millions in unpaid back taxes. Now they claim that Marc has worked out an arrangement with the IRS – probably something like “Hey guys, you know my pig of a wife is good for it“. However the key words in this are “IRS” and “millions in owed back taxes“. So this sort of thing don’t blow over easy – not even if you’re Willie Nelson or Wesley Snipes. If they filed joint returns than JLo could be in a dilly of a pickle, depending on how personally liable she is for her husband’s debts.

The upshot is that with all that pressure the two don’t talk anymore – not with out the mediation of a referee anyway. They just scramble around trying to make some cash. So JLo has her reality TV gig (AI is hoping that she can be the new Simon Cowell – while she can be just as unpleasant can she be as witty and entertaining? Probably not, but she can still get paid for it, which has been the secret of her success, up till now), and Marc Anthony is booking every gig he can line up.

That ain’t all he’s booking either. Insiders are telling tales out of school from Marc A’s tour; tales about him getting drunk and friendly with other young ladies (Now the IRS might drive anyone to drink, and JLo could drive any man into the arms of other women). Remember that old saying about most marriages cracking up over money issues? Well at this point I’m guessing that the only thing preventing an immediate divorce is that it would screw up the IRS paper work, and no one wants that right now.

Mama Mia

Speaking of Celebitchy, they’ve just done a fascinating article on the cultural impact of American reality TV overseas. Let’s put it this way, now well mannered Americans have something else to apologize for; in addition to George W Bush, and a public education system that renders young adults too retarded to compete effectively on game shows or in beauty pageants!

trashtastic – oops we did it again!

Guess who made writer of the day, again (over 12 times so far) on


Jesse James Engaged

They used to say romance was dead – now it’s time to put it out of it’s misery! from Sandra Bullock to Bombshell Magee seems something like a tragedy. Things have gotten even more tragic for Jesse James recently. Since fucking up his A List marriage JJ has gone on from Bullock to Magee and is currently seeing Kat von D (real name: Katherine von Drachenberg). Von D is the reality TV tattoo artist who got into a little but of shit by going Mel Gibson on her former boss. Her boss is of the Jewish persuasion and during some sort of office spat Kat left the fellow an autographed picture of herself complete with the phrase “Rot in hell Jew boy“. Kat of course denied the incident and went on to claim that the guy set her up, explaining that – ‘you know what those Jews are like‘. Actually that last bit is a joke. Kat never said that part; but she might as well have, since you know what von D is like!

“Hey Jesse – set up the camera and come lick the maggots out of my twat!”

Anyhow James and Von D have recently taken their arrangement to the next level – by announcing that their tying the knot. They’ve probably been tying each other in knots for a while now, since Jesse has an avid interest in fetish sex. His ex Janine Lindmueller and Bombshell “I’m so proud my kids are white” Magee can b seen featured on any number of fringe sex websites rolling around in dog shit, covered in vomit, etc. It’s basically stuff too raw and rancid even to be shown or linked here. So you can just imagine how nasty their sex life is.

I’m the luckiest MoFo in the world!

So what is meant by tying the knot in this case is that they’re making their scuzzy skeevy love official. Von D announced the impending nuptials on her Twitter account recently, tweeting that “I guess the ‘kat’ is outta the bag, eh? Thank you for all the wonderful, loving congratulations from you all. Overwhelmed with joy right now!” In Hollywood you just don’t get more official than Twitter! In this case the whole sordid romance played out via that medium as the gruesome twosome exchanged terns of endearment and other sweet nothing with each other, and the rest of the world. Terms of endearment mean stuff like this:

James: “I would like to be with you at this time. Even if only it could take your hand, as that first night.

Earlier in the month: “I have never felt so loved! I’m the luckiest MoFo in the world! 48 hours away from you feels like a year…you will never be anything but beautiful to me.

Considering that this time last year he was accompanying Sandra Bullock to the Oscars, calling himself the luckiest MoFo in the world has got to be a case of seeing the glass as half full. Maybe it’s just a half truth, since no one would argue with the mofo part of the statement!

lust in the dust in 140 characters or less

Just think of how lucky we are the Twitter has a 140 character limited. Not only does is put the brake son Jesse & Kat’s public displays of gross out romance, but Jesse surely would’ve spelled MoFo right out, if he didn’t have to consider the posting limit. That still leaves the question open of how low these two are gonna go as they plumb the deaths of depravity for fun and profit. The answer to that question will probably be answered when they release they honeymoon sex video as a prelude to their reality TV deal. On the other hand, KVD recently tweeted, or something, that “I think our relationship has matured so much and matures every day and grows. I am not ashamed of anything. I am really excited about it. Everyday we grow stronger.” So maybe going into things by faking the right attitude counts for something. Besides – she was clearly telling the truth when she said she’s not ashamed of anything.

Wondertrash – the anti terror blog

only you can help us fight celebrity terrorism!

A useless man throwing himself away on a worthless woman may seem like a tragedy – or merely a waste of oxygen and public attention, but putting this events into proportion can help us deal with these kind of outrages. For one thing worse things have happened to better people. While you can question “What could be worse than either of these two marrying anyone, let alone each other?“; no one can question that there are better people. In fact you could probably find more outstanding examples of humanity in the sex offender wing of your local prison, or at an Al Qaeda meeting! I added that last part because some of our regular readers are from Homeland Security. You’ve got to be careful what you say online or the big boys will get right on your ass! Now Wondertrash definitely plays for the home team; but our war on terror concentrates more on celebrity terrorism.

George Clooney helps fill Larry King’s hole – gets infected!

Terrible mercy riots

Now one of those better people that worse stuff has happened to would be George Clooney. Clooney was in Sudan earlier: either scouting out film locations, genuinely trying to do something for his fellow man, or just trying to show that Angelina Jolie doesn’t have a monopoly on sanctimonious hype, when a mosquito bit him. It not only bit him but left him something to remember him by – malaria. Clooney made this revelation recently on Piers Morgan’s new show. So if this teaches us anything – in addition to get your shots before you leave the country – it’s than CNN is really really serious about filling the Larry King hole. As for Clooney he shouldn’t worry too much – about half of Hollywood is carrying around way worse bugs than that!

BTW don’t be too concerned about Homeland Security’s occasional presence on this site. They’re not tracking visitors for anti celebrity, and therefore possibly anti American sentiments. So we’re not on any official shit list – unless some of Ricky Gervais’ powerful new enemies got in touch with their powerful Washington friends to complain about this blog’s support of his Golden Globe routine. (“Remember when we got the President elected? Now you owe us a favour!Oprah Winfrey Network, or OWN, rearranges nicely into NWO. Think about it!)

The HS boys are just doing what so many civil servants do – surfing for porno at work when they’re supposed to be doing their job! Now I could say that this is an example of how American tax dollars are being wasted, but I prefer to look at the positive side of it. In that sense they have much in common with the Muslim world. Many of our visitors are from the Middle East, and have found their way here by web searching “Brittney Spears private parts” etc. The search terms are often misspelled – so the kind of arrive by accident, like Columbus when he discovered America by mistaking it for India. Anyhow the important thing to remember is that repressed Middle Eastern Islamic extremists and middle aged ivy league frat boys have way more in common then they think – like Miranda Kerr’s camel toe! On behalf of the blog let me just say ‘Thank you Miranda for your part, in helping keep the world together!

Gigitty gigitty goo – another cat out of the bag!

PS – fanboys may be interested to know the the new Catwoman has finally been named and it’s Anne Hathaway. Now Anne one gorgeous chick, though her talent and professionalism have some what eclipsed her natural hotness! This role may remedy that. one she’s seen in her latex catsuit the fetish community will probably freak the fuck out! In fact look for funky smelling weirdos to be walking funny for the first month or two. While Anne would make a fantastic Catwoman, I always had her pegged more as Hawkgirl!

Now here’s a music video dedication to the fair Ms. Hathaway in honor of her new role – Jethro Tull’s Strip Cartoon. Look forward to seeing you in your textured rubber rain gear playing in shades of gray, in your black & white strip cartoon.


Erin Barry is spicy, Google search spicy!

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are in the middle of an on again off again divorce. That’s a kind of sarcastic way of putting it so let’s just say that they’ve had an eventful week. At the week’s start there was a rumour going around that the power couple were decoupling in the form of a high powered celebrity divorce. After that tidbit had been circulating through the grape vine for 24 hours or do Eva people released an official statement that the rumours were bullshit. She and Tony were happier than ever and nobody had no plans about going no where. That brings us up to mid week. Now, with the week running out, it seems like there’s some confirmation on the Longoria-Parker bust up rumours.

The confirmation comes in the form of a young woman named Erin Barry. She’s the wife of a former Spurs teammate of Parker’s – Brent Barry. Apart from a Spurs connection the pair have something else in common too – text messages. There are 100’s of ’em if the scuttlebutt is to be believed. They came to light in the worst possible Tiger Woods type way too. Eva found ’em. With that Eva went out and filed for divorce. Eva has denied filing for divorce, but such reliable sources as Sports Illustrated are going with the story – unofficially anyway!

Sports Illustrated Bryan Armen Graham tweeted, Have it on good authority from entertainment sources that “former teammate” in Tony Parker-Eva Longoria affair is Brent Barry… Don’t have much else on Parker/Longoria affair. Source did mention Barry and wife are going through a divorce. Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush revealed to his Twitter followers, “We spoke to Erin Barry…Brent Barry’s wife from San Antonio Spurs…she cried and said “No comment”.

This was a particularly stupid thing for Parker to do. For one thing he and Longoria married without benefit of a pre nup. Thatw as a major bone of contention between Eva and her future former mother in law back when she and the Spurs point guard got hitched in Paris a few years back. Tony’s mom thought that a prenup was a must have form of marriage insurance. Her rational: Tony made way more money than Eva. Plus he had better long term prospects. Eva was a TV actress who’s career was uncertain from one TV season to the next, whereas Tony was a world class athlete who could look forward to maybe 10 years in the game. That gave him a earning potential of several dozen times Eva’s.

Eva had a counter argument – they were gonna last forever. For one thing she’s Eva Longoria. So no man could ever possibly leave her. Besides this was her very special day and she didn’t want Tony’s mom fucking up the festivities with her divorce talk. That’s such a downer. So Eva laid down the law in the form of an ultimatum – “You can come to the wedding, but you gotta cut out the prenup talk!” Tony’s mom tried another appeal to reason. Guess who won out?

So that has left our lovebirds working without an net. That’s fine and well, as long as you don’t trip up. With Eva’s career in a terminal down turn, this could be a great time for her to cash in on this divorce thing. You can’t say that the cunning little minx doesn’t know what she’s doing. As for Tony – you should’a listened to your mom! Still it could be worse. Gloria Allred could be horning her way into the act!

Read more: Erin Barry, the lady behind divorce of Eva Longoria and Tony Parker |

what’s on in the box?

This has got to be kind of embarrassing. Especially when you’re Eva Longoria and have a certain reputation for sexiness to live up to. It might help to put things into some kind of perspective – like such as it could have been worse. “How could it have been any worse than it is?” you might well ask. I might well ask that myself and I’m an entertainment blogger! Just look at it his way – at least you’re not Contessa Brewer!

“I’m a valedictorian – get me out of here!”

Slimey Hidey Hole

What the hell is going on there?” you might well ask. It would be another excellent question. What’s going on there is Contessa’s coverage of the fall of Saddam Hussein. During the fun and frivolity of Bagdad’s fall Saddam’s hidey hole got discovered by some intrepid journalists. So what with things being as they were some one got the bright idea of getting Brewer to give ti a try. Getting locked in a box rife with a madman’s funky scent just had to be the reason she became a journo in the 1st place (that would explain her time with Don Imus). I can just imagine some mischievous crew man saying out of microphone range “Hey Contessa, he must’ve whacked off plenty while he was in there!” Not like there was much else to do.

let me slip into something uncomfortable

Now the rationale behind that little stunt is obvious. Contessa is one hot babe with a reputation for heart stopping sexiness second only to Eva Longoria’s. So some one probably got the bright idea that the whole story would be far more titillating if Contessa slipped into something more red, and then climbed into the stink box, damsel in distress style. To give Brewer credit she does seem unenthusiastic about the whole deal.

I can only give Ms Brewer the very same advice and consolation that I would to Eva herself – half assed platitudes! It could be worse. Besides Lynda Carter did that stuff all the time back on Wonder Woman. Of course when she got locked in boxes she was usually also bound and gagged. Kudos to Brewer for refusing to take it that far! Then again she was already in Al Capone’s vault territory – so the stunt couldn’t stand going any farther!

So that about clues everything up except for the outstanding question”What possessed Tony Parker to cheat?” He’s got a hot wife and no prenup so if he found himself tempted the right answer should have been obvious – practice gun retention. “Brother get the rocket back in your pocket!” As usual cartoons have a certain insight to share on the human condition, and in this case Tony’s motivation may have been something like this:

So remember to keep on trucking but give the old giggity giggity a rest long enough to come up for air, and to check in on Wondertrash!


Hollywood Refugees

Is it possible for some one to take over control of every aspect of your life? If you’re married, or if you’re Randy Quaid, then the answer is “yes“. How does this secret band of Hollywood Star Whackers take control of an unsuspecting celebrity? Well according to Randy Quaid they tag you cell phone, put bogus stories about you into the media, and of course set up power of attorney documents giving them access to your royalty stream in perpetuity! After that they’ve got you right where they want you. They only thing left for them is to get you out of the way.

That’s what Randy Quaid was afraid would happen to him and his wife Evi when their strange adventure began. It started with some legal beefs over unpaid bills. Quaid claims that he and his wife were totally set up. That’s the way these ‘total businessmen‘ operate. Then things got gradually worse, until the Quaids had become something of a joke in the entertainment community. With their reputation ruined and the law closing in with a vengeance, that left the Quaids looking for sanctuary. They attempted to find that in Vancouver, Canada, until the long arm of the law closed in on them there too. Once they were picked up outside a bank it looked like deportation, and a messy trial/media spectacle would follow.

The Quaids have so far short circuited that. They applied to the Canadian government for protection, claiming that they were refugees from Hollywood who only wanted to be left alone by the criminals in the United States. If they were sent back then their lives would be in immediate jeopardy from the band of above the law star whackers who’ve offed the likes of Heath Ledger and others.

Now when that first came out people thought that it must be a lame ploy to avoid deportation. Canada won’t sent people back if they’re in immanent danger of being killed. However if it’s a ploy then the Quaids are taking it to the next level. Randy & Evi gave an interview on Good Morning America today in which they elaborated on their strange conspiracy theories. Not only did they give some details on what they believe is happening to them, but also named some names about who else might be at risk. According to Bonny & Clyde, Lindsay Lohan needs to watch her step – but not in the way that Dr. Drew means (If there are star whackers out there then Dr. Drew has got to be in on it. He already demonstrated criminal tendencies with his “frame her up better than the Mona Lisa” comments about Lohan.). Britney Spears is on thin ice too. Their master stroke was left for Mel Gibson.

According to the couple Gibson has been targeted by the Star Whackers. What’s more Oksana Grigorieva was ‘sent in‘ to ‘destroy him‘. Now that’s consistent with their thinking. Gibson has been very successful, so his royalty stream has gotta flow like Niagra Falls, even after all those unpleasant telephone recordings about rose gardens and blow jobs. All some shrewd star whacker would have to do is get him declared mental, take over power of attorney, and make sure that he’s discredited in the media so that he will neither be believed or defended! That would explain everything except the tapes themselves. Evi has an answer for that one thought – “He was drugged! Some one slipped him a mickey!” she claimed on GMA. Most people who know about Mel assume that he was drunk and that no one else slipped him anything that he wasn’t voluntarily sipping. Still if some one wanted to slip him a mickey, it probably wouldn’t be too hard – “Hey Gibson – wanna drink?

But enough commentary. Here are the Quaids in their own words from that Good Morning America interview! They explain everything including how close Dennis Quaid is to becoming another Hollywood casualty. He’s already been pigeon holed into making crap films, according to Evi. Dennis has also been mysteriously alienated from his brother and sister in law. The “crap movies” comment may have had something to do with that. You know how sensitive performers can be. However Evi reassures viewers that Dennis is talented, so no slight was meant. Here now is the interview, so put on your tin fiol hats and be prepared to be amazed.

A compelling argument. Lucidly communicated too. They’ve answered everything. In fact the only stone left unturned would be a possible Diana Napolis aka Curio Jones connection. I’ve always wondered why that particular story got buried by the media. I guess no one messes with Jennifer Love Hewitt! Now before you poo poo these ideas remember that stranger things have happened, unless Marylin Munroe really did od on sleeping pils. Besides,Hollywood Star Whackers anagrams to Swarthy, hallowed crooks That’s gotta be more than coincidence!

It’s easy to make fun of the Quaids. For one thing they’re obviously crazy. However let’s move out of our comfort zones for a moment, and assume for the sake of argument that they’re sane. For one thing they’re not saying anything that hasn’t been said before. When the late lamented Michael Jackson passed on from Neverland to the final neverland, his own sister Janet claimed that he’d been helped along by people around him that had decided he was worth more dead. At the time we assumed that it was grief talking and so everyone cut her slack. Yet it has just been announced that Michael Jackson was Forbes Top Dead Earner last year. He made $270 million, and that’s more than Oprah! Now Jackson’s family say that they haven’t seen one thin dime of this. The business managers pay the bills but won’t issue them any checks. So where’s the money going?

Also, in some twitter posts some time back Courtney Love claimed that she was being ripped off by a group of business managers who had set up bogus social insurance numbers for her late husband Kurt Cobain. They then proceeded to take out mortgages on these SIN’s. Love claimed that these financial shenanigans had left her almost broke.

Now when Courtney starts talking strange people assume that she’s on something and they stop paying attention. Yet a pattern is developing. So many Hollywood stars passed on back in 2009 that people began referring to it as the year of death. It seemed that there were more deaths than might be expected from coincidence alone. So who’s to say whether or not there might be something to the talk of conspiracies and star whackers.

BTW happy birthday to the world’s most beautiful woman Aishwarya Rai.

Incidentally, one of Ms. Rai’s biggest pet peeves is people who pronounce her lat name as Buchanan! You can call her the most beautiful woman in the world though, well right after this chick!


National Enquirer giving Michael Douglas 3 months

Remember when the National Enquirer gave Michael Jackson 6 months to live? That was back around 6 months before he died. They almost got as much creditability out of that as they do from their Pulitzer prize nomination. Naturally the encouragement sent them on a deathwatch spree, and they were predicting the immanent demise of everyone in Hollywood, up to and including Oprah & Kirstie Alley – some of Hollywood’s biggest stars in other words. That lead to a blow up on Twitter. Kirstie tool some kind of personal exception to the Enquirers little death prediction – celebrities can be so sensitive – and declared all out war on the mag. She even published the home address of the reporter who had given her for years (so unappreciative for the gift of time), and encouraged whatever fans that she might still have (There are still a few of us Cheers watchers out here!) to harass the hapless journalist! After that the Enquirer went back to their preoccupation with John Edwards’ active love life.

The Enquirer has got their nerve back and re entered the celebrity death business. This time they’re giving beleaguered Michael Douglas 3 months to live. Even casual celebrity gossip followers know that Douglas – one of America’s most talented film makers – is doing battle with a serious case of cancer. However most people decided that he would overcome this, and so went on to other concerns.

Douglas’ many friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and well wishers were sounding optimistic. Shia Labouef – his Wall Street 2 co star – claimed that Douglas would beat this cause he’s “a wolf“. Then again Labouef has every reason to pull for a Douglas recovery. Shia pulled a Megan Fox and publicly criticized his former Hollywood sponsor Steven Spielberg, claiming the director had dropped the ball on the latest Indiana Jones – man are those movies getting old. Ordinarily that would be career suicide since directors have been known to take such comments as personally as Kirstie Alley might take a tabloid death prediction (anyone heard from world’s sexiest woman Megan Fox lately?). However Shia probably felt that he’d made a powerful new friend with Douglas and so his working relationship with Spielberg was now expendable. Nobody plans on death – unless they’re suicidal.

As Douglas conditioned worsened everyone got less optimistic – and Labouef got more nervous about his future (it must be nice to know that at least one person is really pulling for your recovery). Some serious talk about when MD might pass from the mortal coil began. Some gossip had the actor down to 145 pounds. Still more talk had him refusing the more difficult forms of cancer treatment. Tabs were even printing stories about Douglas requesting Catherine Zeta Jones have one more child by him, as a going away present.

Now the Enquirer has come right out and announced that Douglas is about to pass on. They’re featuring it on next weeks cover, along with their official prediction of 3 months left. Further more they’ve down graded his weight to 139. They’re also referring to a mysterious secret that Catherine Zeta is hiding from him. So if you’re following the tragic Michael Douglas story this might be worth checking out. That is unless it would feel too vulturish or something. Not tht it should feel especially vulturish. It’s been noticed more than once that the fame business is something like offering your flesh up for sale in a for of professional cannibalism.

If that’s too morbid then you can check out Elin’s ultimate revenge on Tiger Woods!

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