Cruises Boycotting the Oscars

When Anne Hathaway was announced as the host of this year’s Oscars it rubbed some people the wrong way, like Tom Cruise. The problem is that Anne did a fairly funny send up of his significant other Katebot on SNL. I say fairly funny because hilarious is a strong word to use when Saturday Night Live is involved. Though the show has spotlighted some great talent over the years, it hasn’t been really funny since, well ever. That is except for those delightful Stewart Smalley segments. It’s a damned shame that Al Franken decided to give up honest work. Now for those who’ve forgotten here is that spot!

“Remember us? Your mom thought we were hot!”

Now rubbed the wrong way is a bit strong. It’s not like the Toothsome Twosome are about to flee to Vancouver and apply for refugee status or anything. In fact Tom Cruise’s people haven’t even officially snubbed the Academy Awards. That would be hard to do since Cruise probably hasn’t been officially invited yet. The statement goes something like Cruise can’t confirm because it depends on shooting schedules. Of course that raises the question “What shooting?” It’s got to be pheasant or something because it couldn’t possibly be a movie. Then again we should give him the benefit of the doubt. I hear that he does have something serious going on that evening. Rumour is that he has a big boys night out evening planned with fellow 80’s super hunk Mel Gibson. They’re gonna spend the night bitching about Jews and Thetans, and then try to work out some kind of reality TV project together! It’s just like when you skipped your high school prom – remember?

“If you have to mock us then at least show us the respect of making the joke about us!”

Anyway the point is that Tom hasn’t officially declined the invitation that hasn’t officially been made. In fact poor little Anne Hathaway probably isn’t even the real source of Cruise’s displeasure. If you watch the SNL video clip Miley Cyrus and her Dad Billy Bob were clearly the butts of that joke. The skit made ’em look real bad, as if they were Palin Family rejects or something. “Mah L’il gal is all growed up. An finally, too. When they got me to get her ta do dat Vanity Fair instead of dah Playboy centerfold Ah wanted Ah thought it wuz gonna stunt her dahvelipmant or sumpin’. Ah can’t have mah l’il gal growin’ up sexually retarded or nothing.” Dialogue like that hasn’t been heard in popular entertainment since the late great Al Capp!

City girls grow up early, but country gals are born ready!

So the upshot is that the Cruises probably bailed because it finally sunk in that they’re no longer A Listers. They can’t come right out and say that. So they needed a face saving excuse, which happily Anne has provided! After all it’s not like the Cyrus clan announced an Oscar boycott. I imagine that should the opportunity present it’s self Miley Cyrus will be there with bells on; tassels and a G string too, if she can get away with it (She could go a lot farther but the Academy will never let her present in whipped cream)! Hopefully next year the Academy can get Chelsea Handler to present so that The Brangelina’s will have an excuse to boycott. After The Tourist Big Lips sorely needs and excuse not to be seen at those Hollywood must see events. Cheers y’all!

On the bright side – Thing may have taken abit of a down turn for Tom but look at it this way, at least he’s not boycotting the Emmy’s.

For the strange tale of how Vancouver’s most popular yoga instructor (Prana Yoga & Zen) allegedly cheated Canada Immigration, and her alleged drug trafficking activities go over to Bogus Zen!

My Big Fat Hollywood Award Show!

prediction for 2011 – Tom & Katie divorce: who gets custody of Dave Beckham?

BTW Wondertrash is gonna go out on a limb here and predict that 2011 is the year that Tomkat busts up. Things were never the same for Tom Cruise ever since he “fell in love” with Katie Holmes and went “off the couch” on Oprah. Before that he was the movies No 1 Top Gun. After Katie got in on the act is seemed to fuck up his luck. Let’s just say that “jumped the couch” is both the new “off his rocker” and “jumped the shark“.

the trouble with starting at the top is that there’s nowhere to go but down!

The arrangement didn’t do much for Katebot either. When she signed her Faustian Deal no doubt she expected all Hollywood to be laid out at her feet as she became the toast of the town and the hostess with the mostess. Instead her career went from nowhere to dead. Attempts at artificial failed hard too. Her Dirty Easy Money project or what ever that thing she did with Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah, failed bad. There was some Broadway success, but the big coup de grace for Tomkat may be the Kennedys.

Jackie Uh-Oh

The Kennedys was the project where Katie was supposed to play Jackie O. Now Jackie is an American Icon (though not currently represented by one of those ‘dead agents’ previously reported on here at Wondertrash). It would be easy for an ambitious actress to kid herself that this would be the role that brings her back. So she probably thought that this Cruise deal was finally about to pay off like she’d expected, in Hollywood stardom.

Keeping Katie in the style she’s become accustomed to – disappointment!

If that’s what Katebot thought then she was in for one of those usual disappoints, of the kind she should have become used to ever since she hitched her wagon to Top Gun Tom. Seems that the Kennedys has been canceled before it ever got aired or anything. Katie seems a bit devastated. She made some comment somewhere that she’d worked “really hard” on it. She probably had her hopes up too. So the arrangement has officially passed the point of diminishing returns.

face saving farce

Now it did that some time ago. However the principles in the farce couldn’t really bail without looking silly. People would say ‘It didn’t work out right away so you bailed after all that talk about “love” this and “together” that‘. In other words it would confirm that they were completely full of shit. So they had to stick it out for awhile just to save face -not that they saved any face really by playing the bizarre charade out.

now the plot thickens?

However now with Tom unable to buy an acting role and Katie’s projects flopping like those dead birds that have been falling out of the sky lately – it seems like there’s nothing to be gained by sticking it out any longer. From Katie’s point of view it looks like as long as she sticks with Tom the only pro acting gig she’ll have is as Mrs Cruise! Now with Cruise bailing on the Oscars – Hollywood’s No 1 Main Event – it might finally sink in to Katie that the time as come to go. If that happens then remember that you read it here first, or would have if you are a regular Wondertrash reader!


Are the best of us like the rest of us?

the human condition – Survive the dive and arrive alive!

was mythological Icarus the first recorded instance of celebrity personality disorderCelebrities seem to have it all. While they do appear to have fulfilled our most cherished aspiration like fame. wealth, beauty, etc.; they are also prone to the same set backs as the rest of us; like unemployment, illness, & death. It doesn’t matter how high they’ve ascended either, since the fickle finger of fate can reach them even at the pinnacle, as poor Sandra Bullock found out shortly after what should’ve been the greatest moment of her life.

an insane instance

Take Tom Cruise for instance. Back in his Nicole Kidman days no one in Hollywood was bigger. Paramount payed him the princely sum of 10 million a year just to keep an office in their studio. Then Major Tom lost touch with ground control, & went haywire on Oprah’s couch! After that it was as if he couldn’t get arrested. Even though his movies had always been solid A material, people couldn’t get over the image of him on afternoon TV giggling and jumping around like a lemur on crack cocaine.

Cruise falters while halting Hitler!

Tom has put tout a few movies since then, most notably Valkyrie. That was the one wear he tried to kill Hitler! Maybe that explains why Tom is in PR overdrive lately. He’s just had his Knight & Day debut with Cameron Diaz – she’s the girl who stays in shape by having sex and who’s name spells “Crazed, I moan“. They were a hit together in Vanilla Sky; where Diaz played the crazy stalker chick. Even though critics liked them together again this time, the movie flopped. It only brought in about 4 million on it’s Wednesday opening. So Tom is now making a last ditch effort to hype the flick – by appearing on Jimmy Kimmel. Here now are the clips from that, and though not as interesting as his Oprah Winfrey work, is posted for your viewing enjoyment.

Jimmy Kimmel’s Mind

Tom Cruise wasn’t the only thing on Jimmy Kimmel’s mind last night. He also took some time out in his monologue to reflect on the passing of pop icon Michael Jackson. Next to Brooke Shields and Elizabeth Taylor, Jackson was most closely associated with his side kick – Bubbles the Chimp. That strange relationship is what elicited comment from Mr. Kimmel.

selling your soul & mortgaging paradise

Michael & Bubbles: The Untold Story
– that must’ve been a humdinger! Michael Jackson is another instance of a celeb who had the world, until life caught up with them. In the year prior to his death he couldn’t turn a buck; he sold most of his major assets such as a majority interest in the Beatles catalog, mortgaged Neverland, and had even planned a come back tour. It was during the preparations for the tour that he died from an overdose of profonol, administered by disgraced cardiologist Dr. Conrad Murray. In the year since people have been unable to talk about little else but Jackson. Other celebrities who passed about the same time were eclipsed: celebrities like Farrah Fawcett.

Great Big Splash!

Farrah passed at almost the same time as Jackson. She’d been battling intestinal cancer for some time – so the media outlets had her obituary already written (it’s standard operating procedure for mags to write up the obits for celebs most likely in advance, so that they’ll be ready at a moment’s notice). Big splashy tributes and retrospectives had been planned. When Michael Jackson died unexpectedly (Almost, Wondertrash had been posting on Jackson’s worsening health for several months before his actual death – search the archives & see!), it pushed Farrrah out of the picture. Only Ryan O Neal’s disgraceful funeral antics kept Farrah in the public’s mind’s eye. Now with the anniversary of her death here as well – here’s a a clip on how her family is coping with the loss.

At least Ryan didn’t make a pass at anyone during that. Then again the only close kin available was troubled son Redmond. However Ryan and Redmond aren’t the only ones remembering Farrah – the good folk @ have put together a little video tribute for the late actress:

Restylane & the rest of us

Farrah’s illness and passing serve as a reminder that celebrities are flesh and blood like the rest of us, no matter how hard they try to replace the mortal bits with collagen & restylane! Gywneth Paltrow might deny that she’s is any percentage restylane, though she does exude some strange oily substances when subjected to bright lights – maybe the heat affects her frigid air. She also preaches her own version of the good life via her internet newsletter GOOP (“You don’t need to be an icy bitch to appreciate the finer things in life but it helps“). Despite her growing awareness & icy bitchiness Gywneth too is as mortal as the rest of us. It’s recently been revealed that Gywnnie has a bone disease. Here’s the low down on that!

Fair Ms Frigidaire – she used to be the next Grace Kelley

Hopefully Gywnnie won’t be too disappointed with herself. A trip to the naturopath and some power yoga should have her back to her old self in no time flat. Besides, illness can strike on reptoids even higher up the food chain than her. Reptoids like Dick “Darth Vader” Cheney. Cheney is more accustomed to putting people in the hospital – like the time he shot his best friend in the face while pheasant hunting down in Texas. His friend later apologized for the embarrassment he caused Cheney by blocking his shot. I guess there’s nothing like a face full of bird shot to help you get it in perspective.

Is Darth Cheney a Dick Vader?

In fairness to Darth Dick, he has logged some hospital time himself. It’s usually for a heart condition, which is surprising considering all the rumors that he hasn’t got one. Anyway the skeptics on that will be disappointed to hear that Cheney does in fact have a heart – it’s put him in the hospital again too.

Maggoty with political opinion!

Since America has the best health care in the world you’d think that those high powered specialist would’ve gotten to the bottom of his problem by now. My guess is that it’s something simple. His heart – the most human organ, is probably just rejecting it’s host. Cultivating alittle warmth and compassion might make Cheney’s stony breast a more habitable place. A good place for Cheney to start might be by informing himself about health care. He might even be able to take a few notes from celebrity commentator Penn Jillette in the following video:

wearing their Achilles’ Heel on their sleeve

No matter how rich & powerful they get, celebs are still prone to the same weaknesses as their fellow men. It’s as if there ongoing attempts to dehumanize themselves into immortal glory – like Achilles bathing in the river Styx – were doomed to failure. A vulnerable heel remains for fate to strike at. With that in mind, maybe we can extend a little human understanding towards those who have become the prisoners of their own ambition and insecurity. We might also take the lifestyles of the rich and famous as cautionary tales. Live your lives wisely rather than too well.


Tori Spelling: "I see dead people!"

Cruise Control Fizzles

tom cruise new flick knight and day flops at the box officeThere’s some bad news for Tom Cruise. His new flick Knight & Day flopped at the box office. Ticket sales for the film’s Wednesday release totaled about $4 million, which is not enough to keep him on the A List. By comparison Toy Story 3, which also had a Wednesday opened, grossed $13 million on it’s first day. So that leaves Tom with Les Grossman as his motion picture fall back position! Of course he could always retire. With a 25 + movie career and an estimated billion dollar fortune he’s got more money than Xenu!

3’s company

tori spelling takes time out from promoting her new book to have a chat with the ghost of farrah fawcettThere’s another Hollywood personality that’s having trouble making a go of it these days. Back when super producer Aron Spelling was still alive, and daughter Tori was till in his good books, it seemed like anything was possible for her. Then she hooked up with Canadian actor Dean McDermott. They met on the set of Body of Evidence – or some other B movie – while McDermott was still hooked up with his now ex wife Canadian daytime TV personality Mary Jo Eustace.

if you got the money honey

Tori and Dean seemed to hit it off: Dean is a tall good looking fellow and Tori was rich as sin. So there was grounds for mutual attraction. Tori was used to geting what she wanted and wasn’t gonna let a little thing like his wife get in the way. So they started getting it on, and poor old Mary Jo had to go. The next thing you know McDermott had divorced his wife and taken on Tori, who was promptly disowned by Big Daddy. Aron had no doubt that McD was attracted to his daughter; he just wasn’t sure what McD found attractive about her. Aron assumed that it was probably money and so wrote Tori out.

Spelling weight loss diet – food for thought

That lead Tori on to her current path of insecurity & attention seeking. With only a million to her name, and probably doubting her husband too, Tori started pitching reality TV projects, all involving her new husband. She also started getting plastic surgery and dropping weight until she became nearly unrecognizable. The drastic weight loss even sparked concerns about the actress’s health.

Tori goes Tila Tequila!

None of the actress’s projects paid off. Now A professional celebrity can’t allow that to continue for long. They thrive on our attention. Usually when a celeb started to fade from the lime light they can get desperate, & ridiculous, in their attempts to recapture that attention. Tori is proving to be no exception to the “look at me” rule. In an interview with Out Magazine Spelling has made a startling confession – she’s been in touch with the ghost of Farrah Fawcett!

there must be an angel

farrah fawcett returns from the grave to keep an eye on ryan o neal - she must be getting an eyefulThe visitation from Charlie’s Angel came during a session with psychic John Edward (psychic is one of the other ways to make it in Hollywood). Tori, who had been Fawcett’s neighbor for years and years, claimed that Farrah contacted her with specific call outs for her troubled son Redmond. Says Tori for the incident: “It was pretty surreal. We were neighbors for years. She basically wanted me to give a message to [Fawcett’s son] Redmond and to her family and she was doing these very specific call-outs for things that they would understand.

the medium has a message

Tori insists that she’s completely convinced that she was contacted by Farrah. Says Spelling: “If it had been some psychic that I’d walked in off the street for five bucks it would have been different. But it came through John Edward. He’s a medium, so he channels people. I’ve been to regular psychics that turn over cards, tarot cards, and sort of read your future, that type of thing. But, with him, literally people just come to him and say things that they want the person to hear.” See what i mean about making it in Hollywood – consumer spirituality a la Oprah Winfrey. Credibility – what you get when you can fake sincerity – is directly related to price too!

uncharted territori & Mis Spelling?

Of course the cynics – like The Huffington Post – have an alternate explanation. Those downers, who are bigger wet blankets than the Amazing Randi, have proposed a rational explanation. They have pointed out that Tori has a new book out called Uncharted TerriTori. Spelling is in the midst of a promotional blitz for the book. So the Farrah visitation might be only a ploy to get attention for the book.

thriller & other postmortem endorsements

I prefer to give Spelling the benefit of the doubt. She’s squandered money on psychics before. For instance she’s used them to contact Dean’s parents – her dead in laws think that she’s great BTW, and glad he finally got rid of Eustace. She’s also taken the liberty of contacting bon vivant Ryan O Neal to tell him that Farrah’s keeping an eye on him. She started by asking Ryan “Please don’t think I’m crazy” Those who know Tori probably already think that. Besides uif she really wanted attention for her book she would’ve said that she’d been contacted by the spirit of Michael Jackson, wouldn’t she?


Tom Cruise on Twilight

Well it’s not really Tom Cruise. It’s an actor who resembles Tom Cruise – but that’s explained in the intro to the video – enjoy!


Tom Cruise Losing It, Again?

cracking up

When Tom Cruise jumped off Oprah’s couch he started free falling into the abyss. His career followed his public image down the chute. So it’s been a while since Tom’s had a hit. He did do that Valkyrie film, but it wasn’t the blockbuster that he’s accustomed to headlining. He was also supposed to star in SALT, but exces balked after he went publicly haywire on afternoon TV. So the put Angelina Jolie in the role. Considering the rumors coming out of SALT (Jolie’s losing weight, she looks rough, she’s passing out, she’s on crying jags, she’s becoming unreliable, etc.), they might’ve been better off sticking with Tom.

hard boiled but half baked

Well Tom is ready to grab at the brass ring once more with a new cinematic venture called Knight & Day. Since he’s been radioactive for the past 5 years he really needs this flick to score if he has any plans to continue making movies. So the pressure is on. If the rumors coming out about him are any indication the pressure is getting to him.

Cruise Jolie Salt

manic maniac film fail

For instance Tom has developed the bizarre habit of referring to himself in the 3rd person while on set. When he insisted on having the music score changed he explained, and I quote, that ‘Tom Cruise is an action star — he’d never have salsa music in a film!‘” Now referring to yourself in the 3rd person is kinda weird, unless you’re the Queen of England. Still he has a point about the salsa music!

manic panic & cryptic optimism

With Tom approaching 5150 territory everyone is stating to get panicky. The crew claim that they have never seen Cruise this close to the edge before. Maybe that’s optimism. Since Cruise flew over the edge that day on Oprah, if he’s close to the edge now it must be because he’s finding his way back.

cuckoo waltz

His wife Katie doesn’t take it that way. The thought that her husband is going nuts is taking a tole on her. In fact their are reports coming from the set that Kate is close to joining her husband by cracking up too! ‘Tom’s so stressed out that I don’t know him anymore. I just don’t know how much more I can take!‘ she is reported to have said. Joining him on a trip to the cracker factory would be marital devotion above and beyond the call of duty. Too think that there were those who doubted their relationship!

Black Eyed Peas (featuring Tom Cruise)-I Gotta Feeling @ the o2-27th May 2010

animated gif courtesy of OhNoTheyDidn’t


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