I’m risking fatwah just by bringing you the following story!

There’s more to life than celebrity gossip, like conspiracies and other irrational fears. Ever since the Underwear Bomber snuck on board an international flight with a rocket on his pocket America has become painfully aware of how low radical Jihadist will go to inflict their religious fanaticism on the west. That has lead to a painful era of TSA crotch grabs. So ordinary Americans have been subjected to invasive security checks as airport officials rolled up their sleeves and got their hands dirty by go up close and personal right up to the elbows. Some of us had nothing to worry about. In our cases it’s painfully obvious that there’s nothing explosive or dangerous in our underwear. Joe Blow, on the other hand, got quietly outraged as government minions probed their wives’ and daughters’ nether regions just in case they might be packing more than God gave them. The friendly skies are getting friendlier and no one is happy about it. However reasonable people realize that when some one is willing to pack their underpants with high explosives to make a point then anything is possible.
little terrors are holy terrors!
It seems that radical Moslem extremists will go to any lengths in their on going war against the West and our freedoms which they hate so much. That brings me to the latest terror threat – exploding baby bombs! It’s getting harder and harder to sneak the usual weapons of mass destruction, like such as box cutters and carpet knives, through the tightened airport security (one extreme jihadist did manage to get an Emory board through, and threatened to file a stewardess’ nails down to the cuticles; but the plane landed before he could make good on the threat). However don’t underestimate Jihadists’ intelligence. It was only a matter of time before they found a way to penetrate our security. There latest tactic is something insidious and aimed to take advantage of Americans’ trusting nature. It seems that the Muslim terrorists are now planning to load babies with explosives in order to sneak them past airport security checkpoints!
Women and children still pose the greatest threat to democracy!
The average baby’s diaper has enough extra space to carry sufficient plastic explosive to bring down a 767! It’s also the perfect hiding place. No TSA official, now matter how depraved, is gonna stick their hot little hand down a bulging baby diaper to find out what’s really in there. Anyone far gone enough to try can easily be put off by the protests of an outraged Muslim mother. “First you want me to take off my hejab, now you want to look in my baby’s diaper! How far must you go to humiliate our Arab honour? This is worse than Guantanamo Bay!” Invoking the images of humiliated terrorists stripped down and wearing women’s panties, but in the innocent baby context, is enough to make even the most hardened official back down as they contemplate the possible PR backlash, and career repercussions.
you can’t always count on a dirty diaper saving the day!
There have already been a number of stand offs that haven’t made the news. For instance one young Arab woman, wielding her baby bomb, recently held Homeland Security officials at bay for hours as she threatened to detonate her child in the middle of a crowded airport. Pleas to put the baby down and remove her hejab were ignored. Homeland Security personnel eventually had to run for cover as the woman lit the fuse, cunningly disguised as a dangling umbilical cord! A major crisis was fortunately avoided when the bomb fizzled, due to an unchanged, wet diaper.
You can never be too clean when there’s a dirty job to do!
The stunt was a dud, but the point is that it could have worked. A little more attention to hygiene and we might have wound up hearing about it on CNN! The terrorists know this to. So they are now arming the Islamic Mothers of Darkness with wet wipes, baby powder, and spare disposable diapers for trans oceanic plane trips. This way they can keep their little terrors dry and ready to go, should the occasion call for the ultimate sacrifice. Plus it helps keep the youngsters smelling relatively fresh! It’s their ability to adapt by learning from their mistakes that makes Al Qaeda so dangerous!
Booby traps and breast bombardment
Al Qaeda has an even moire dangerous characteristics, a knowledge of their enemies’ weaknesses & the ability to think big. They know that Americans are hopelessly sentimental about children. So they are no amassing a small army of “baby bombs” and are ready to deploy them on the West! To that end babies from the Mid East are recruited, and then indoctrinated with Koran readings and round the clock viewing of old Osama bin Laden tapes – dubbed over with the voice of Barney the Dinosaur. They are told that it is their honour to die for the faith. Plus they are further encouraged with the promise of 72 virgins waiting for each and every baby martyr once they reach Islamic heaven. Though adults might wonder what interest babies might have in nubile young virgins, the youngsters are quite excited by the prospect of round the clock breast feeding in paradise!
What to do with those little brats!
That leaves Homeland Security and their subsidiary organization, the TSA, with a problem. They are reluctant to go diving into to babies diapers. Apart from the possible PR backlash, there is the even more disturbing possibly of the diaper bulge not being explosives, but what nature intended. Americans will make many sacrifices for their country, such as their personal freedoms, responsible government, the truth, etc; but they don’t like getting their hands dirty! Putting all babies on an across the board no fly list was also discussed, and with some enthusiasm. That idea was eventually discarded due to the massive inconvenience to non terrorist air travellers. Finally a more strategic approach was hit upon. We could disarm the baby bomb army by exporting our cultural values to the Arab World.
Spreading viruses of liberty!
So Homeland Security now has a broad and far reaching plan to turn Islamic children into the same kind of disobedient and belligerent brats we’ve become accustomed to here in the West. Through a United Nations front organization highly processed junk food will be distributed to children through out the Middle East. Celebrities such as the socially conscious Angelina Jolie have been recruited to hand out chocolate bars and Big Mac’s to school children throughout the Terror Zone. Arab women will also be encouraged to park their kids in day care. This will not only give Arab women more time to become discontent and politically active, but break the important mother infant bond! It’s hard for a mother to convince a child to carry high explosives in their underwear when the child sees the mother so seldom that they scarcely know who she is! Also Arab youth will be bombarded with American reality TV and entertainment gossip magazines to make them confused and apathetic. After that they will be softened up for Project Ritalin! Then comes Operation Planned Parenthood!
Keep you eyes open for suspicious bulges – Paranoia is only common sense run amok!
The good news is that this plan should work in the Middle East just like it has here, in about 10 to 15 years. In the meantime the world will have to deal with a generation of tiny terrors as they wait for the next generation of tattooed & body pierced delinquent to take over. So we have to be cautious. That requires some basic common sense. For one thing is you see an Arab baby resist the urge to pick it up or tickle it under the chin. A quick jerk on the umbilical cord, or a push on the belly button, from the mother, might set the child off like a 4rth of July fireworks spectacular! Also if you see a child with saggy diapers, but who smells unusually fresh, then phone Homeland Security right away. The nose knows! You’ll not only be saving your own life, but the lives of everyone around you, and saving the infant from breast feeding bombardment in Moslem Heaven from eager virgins anxious to avoid more onerous duties! Finally, be sure to check suspicious looking babies for signs that the have been drugged or otherwise mind controlled. They might be mini Manchurian Candidates! There is the disturbing possibility that this may be some kind of CIA false flag trick to step up public paranoia as a pretense to curb more of those American Freedoms that we are so proud of! I hate to sound like some kind of tin foil hatter, but in these times you can’t be too vigilant!
Coming soon: Oh shit! the colostomy bags of doom.
Something pedantic – because a mind is a terrible thing to waste, and brain washing can be a dirty job!
PS We’ve been doing some brainwashing stories on Wondertrash lately. Mostly of the Monarch Mind Control variety. The idea is that most celebrities have been subjected to MK Ultra type mental programming (usually through their drama school exercises which involve visualization techniques very similar to the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola – so what does that tell you about the Illuminati connection!) that has turned them into drug tripping party over drive burn outs that flip out. Naturally that has lead to some strange letters, like the following.
Dear Wondertrash:
I need your advice. One of our tenets killed themselves lately. That leaves me with the problem of how to get their brains out of the carpet. Do you know what gets grey matter out of shag rugs. I’ve heard the club soda works. Love your blog.
Yours sincerely
Let me be clear, I am not an expert on brainwashing. Just a highly experienced subject! Besides that’s a different kind of brainwashing. In fact you’re not really washing brains, you’re washing rugs. Maybe you could just replace the rug. Please keep those letters coming! Yours might be the next to get posted!

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