Katie Homes – surviving the process, so far

“If you get too famous you will go straight to hell,” a Japanese Zen Master had warned… Zen hell is this world right here and now, in which you see life around you but can’t participate in it. You’re forever a stranger from your own life because there’s something in your life that holds you back. You see others bathing in the life all around them while you have to drink it through a straw, never getting enough.


You would think that fame and fortune would bring a sense of closeness to other people, but quite the opposite happens. You split into two people, who they think you are and who you really are, and that produces the Zen hell. …
~ Robert Pirsig

demanding perfectionist allows wife out of the house looking like shit

Katie Holmes was once vibrant young woman. During her Dawson’s Creek days she was America’s Crush, and a sort of ladder day Valerie Bertinelli. Of course that was before love, and Scientology found her. Whether she and husband Tom Cruise are star crossed lovers or love crossed stars; his image took a beating in the collision, and so did her appearance! Tom had recognized the strong amazing woman with in the sweetness, and now was determined to bring that woman out, even if he killed her in the process.
She wanted fame, she became half of America’s most bizarre celeb marriage – post modernism??
We should’ve known what was in store when Tom made Katie run the New York Marathon. Amazingly she finished, and after cleaning herself up was off to some gala function that evening. She was seen grinning painfully like the other guests, so that you might never suspect she’d completed a 26 mile run that morning. An impressive achievement, but could the bionic woman keep up the pace.
Do you love me for who I am? I love you enough never to let you settle for that!
Well it appears that even the energizer bunny will eventually run out of juice. As Tom kept the pressure on Katie to never settle for being anything less than strong and amazing, America watched her wilt under the strain. She went from being an attractive and vibrant woman in her mid twenties to losing weight and looking aged. In fact poor Katie had begun to look so haggard that you’d think she were in preparation for a role as Nancy Reagan during the White House years!
No one will hear you scream – Surviving purification and other amazing challenges!
Odd stories began to emerge too – more odd than Katie having to wear a special birthing gag during delivery. There were rumours that Tom had her on strange Scientology purification regimes. Some were saying that she had to go days without solid food, subsisting only on L Ron Hubbard approved barley water and iodine mixtures. This was to rid her body of thetans and other unwanted contaminants both chemical and spiritual; and eventually to make her ready for the birth of space baby No 2. Observers feared that if Katie managed to survive purification, then she might not be strong and amazing enough to actually carry a baby. As Katie began to take on the appearance of a 50 year old the phrase “the operation was a success but he patient died” kept springing to mind.
If he were deliberately trying to kill her then this would make more sense
Well Katie watchers will be happy to know that things appear to have changed. Mrs Cruise has recently emerged in Japan at the side of her husband and looking unusually good. As a matter of fact she showed up at the Tokyo premier of Valkyrie looking almost healthy! What could’ve caused this shocking change? Was the purification paying off? Had Tom come to his senses and called off the 12 hour sauna and cup of gruel a day routine?
The good news about purification is that there is a cure!
Well something was paying off but it wasn’t purification. It has now been revealed that Katie geared up for the premier with a 2 day long, $75 000 intensive make over! According to the story Katie holed up in the Tokyo Ritz Carlton where a team of image experts gave her a thorough over haul. Her new thick shiny hair, a change from the dull lifeless bob we are used to seeing her with, is the result of $5000 hair extensions (harvested from the heads of virgin teens in the Philippines no doubt!). In addition there was a trip to the dentist for $50 000 veneers. Now that’s not quite a million dollar smile but in this challenging economic times close enough! Then there was 20 000 in spa treatments. Once Katie started to look remotely human again there was 3000 in premium make up, to cover the ravages of self improvement. once the process was complete Katie emerged looking astonishingly presentable!
Passing inspection
However a closer look at Ms Cruise reveal that she is not the fresh young flower that she once was. In fact she looks like a derelict house that has had a coat of shellac hastily slapped on to improve it’s appearance for an appraisal. The new windows and siding don’t really hide the signs of structural damage, and a foundation that has cracked. Once the premium make up is wiped of, the same dull eyed, slack jawed zombie we’ve come to know will be found still lurking timidly underneath. Tom has learned that by splashing out enough money he can temporarily undo some of the long term damage he has undoubtedly done to his wife. That’s shows some degree of awareness.
She looks no worse than any celebrity!
The question is: has he learned that if he has to spend $100 000 just to undo the effects of his even more expensive self development program, then the whole deal was probably a bad idea from the word go? Or will she go back on the spartan regiment of bilge water and steam baths once the cameras are pointed away, perhaps to get new aluminum siding in the unlikely event that Tom has another premier to drag her out for? Never underestimate the determination of a Thetan on a mission of mercy. If Tom had the sense to know when to quit then he’d have called off this whole sad sorry charade some time after the shit hit the fan on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Instead he’s played this out farther than any sane man and most lunatics would’ve dreamed of doing. In other words expect Katie to go back to looking like something the cat dragged in some time soon. At least Tom has confirmed America’s faith in the power of the make over – and they say no good has come out of Scientology! Still it could be worse. At least she’s not Mischa Barton, or Lisa Rinna.
Daily dharma – To live for some future goal is shallow. It’s the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top.

Robert M. Pirsig



Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

Sweet Shit

quod me nutrit me destruit

Dom Deluise – Morbidly obese and eating himself into oblivion
It looks like comedian Dom Deluise may be pulling a Pavarotti. The 75 year old 325 pound actor has less than three months to live, friends fear. Now Dom’s health has never been good. Only last year the star was treated for prostate and penile cancer. He also suffers from a heart condition and diabetes.
Part of his problem remains his eating. Friends claim that Deluise is shoveling it in full throttle. His favourite is high carb pasta. In fact his condition has reached such a point that he has had to give up cooking; not because it’s a temptation, but be cause he is no longer able to stand at the stove. The actor is now wheel chair bound. Also his breathing has become laboured, his diabetes is out of control, and his heart condition is worsening.
Friends fear that Deluise has only months left to live. They also fear that his knows what he’s doing. They suspect that he has either given up and decided to enjoy himself, or is deliberately eating himself into the grave. One source tells the National Enquirer that “He’s not even trying now. He’s eating everything he wants and then some. He’s decided to go out on his won terms“.
Crazy Alien Weight Loss
One woman who’s as good at taking it off as she is at packing it on is Milla Jovovich! Milla put on 70 pounds while pregnant with her daughter Ever Gabo. She was even tagged Enormous Milla by the tabs. Yet within 3 months of giving birth she was almost back to normal. Today Milla is back at her working weight. So what’s her secret? No secret – just hard work, exercise, balanced diet and in Milla’s words “crazy alien weight loss”.
Now at first this seemed like some kind of typo. Maybe she meant Crazy Alan’s weight loss. Perhaps Crazy Alan is some new diet and fitness guru that LA seems to churn out by the dozen.  Imagine a cross between Richard Simmons and Tony Little, with some Susan Powter thrown in to add the right edge. Sounds like a recipe for disaster!
Well it turns out that Momma Milla was not misquoted. She really did say that she l;ost weight like a crazy alien – “Diet and lots of exercise, I worked my big, little butt off. I do want another baby but not for a little bit. I’ve only just lost all the weight so I want to enjoy my old body for a while before I have to become a crazy alien again.”
However the weight loss wasn’t all crazy aliens. There was the usual weight loss expert involved, in this case Hollywood Trainer Harley Pasternak. Harley has a 5 Point program, and carefully monitors what he’s clients eat. Milla confesses on FOX TV that she was eating oatmeal for a week at one point. To make sure that clients stick to the program Pasternak has specially prepared meals taken to their homes. I wonder what they calls these celebrity meals on wheels – Pastersnacks?


Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

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