Damsels in Distress

“Lindsay is absolutely stunned that this is happening to her,” 

Lindsay & her new attorney Mark Heller

Lindsay Lohan hates her new lawyer Mark Heller, according to Radaronline. Hate is a strong word so let’s say that she is desperate to replace him. So she’s been on the phone to everyone. She’s gone all the way up the food chain to former OJ Simpson dream teamer Robert Shapiro. He repped her a little while back, but isn’t eager to take her on again. Or at least that’s what might be inferred from his secretary’s response of “unavailable“.

Radar claims that Lohan is all day on the phone, when not in court, trying to find a new attorney. No one wants her. For one thing she’s broke. Lawyers can be kinda funny about that.  For another there’s the general impression that she’s too much trouble. No 3 is that she owes her former attorney Shawn Holley about $300 000 in unpaid legal fees. Holley’s kind of well respected in the legal community. So no one wants to take Lindz on knowing that she’s left a colleague with an unpaid 6 digit debt. So that leaves Lindz with Heller, who was once suspended for 5 years for unprofessional conduct. Now remember that Lindz is facing 2 legal battles this time – the Porsche thing where she said her assistant was driving, and the violation on the probation from the alleged jewelry theft. At times like these having a reliable lawyer takes a weight off of your mind. Is the lawyer who got Patty Hearst pardoned still available??

Back to the Beginning- Lara Croft is on the Job!

dangerous damsel Lara Croft returning to comics

If only Lindz could get it together, & land a job, she might turn the corner on her troubles. A lucrative franchise might be just the ticket. Comics are very big at the movies right now, & which comic book heroine has as many thrills, chills, & spills  – not to mention narrow escapes – as Ms. Lohan but Tomb Radar Lara Croft? After all “Lara Croft is an icon across all forms of media, including comic books,” said Karl Stewart, global brand director for TOMB RAIDER and Crystal Dynamics. Maybe that’s why Crystal Dynamics and Dark Horse Comics are bringing her back!

Dark Horse plans to release Tomb Raider: The Beginning which is a Lara Croft origin story, and written by Rhianna Pratchett. This will be the first issue in a new Lara Croft series from DH. It’s a 48 page hard cover that follows Croft’s 1st adventure. “Whilst penning Lara’s origins story for the game I had lots of ideas about the world she and the other characters inhabited, and the story behind their voyage: as great to be able to flesh out the world of TOMB RAIDER and work with the talented team at Dark Horse to bring Lara Croft back to comics,” said Rhianna Pratchett, lead game writer for TOMB RAIDER.

Erin Esurance – “How can I still be unemployed? I could rep any company that starts with an ‘E’!”

Now if they could only do something for poor Erin Esurance. You’ll remember that Erin was a popular cartoon pitch woman for an up and coming online car insurance company about 10 – 15 years back. She was a pink haired “special agent” for an insurance company who’s job included more cat suits and gadgets than filing and paper work. Her main job was to fight high insurance premiums, and red tape! So she was a tomb raider for your auto policy. She also inspired some fetishy devotion among her fans. So a lot of Erin amateur art started showing up around the net. It was nothing bad mind you – just your standard bunny ears, ball gags, and but plugs kind of stuff. Rumor is that’s why the whole Erin angle got canned. Insurance porn was just too embarrassing when Allstate took Esurance over.

Full to bursting, like Wonder Woman!

So that left Erin as a cartoon character at loose ends but full to bursting with potential. Wonder Woman can tell yo how that is! Sow hat to do with her? Maybe she could be renamed Erin Endurance and featured in some animated spy girl series? She’d get to wear a cat suit, have plenty of fashionable gadgets, and drive a sporty, tricked out spy-mobile! Then every week she could wriggle out of some trap in time to catch cartoon baddies. It may sound campy but done a little tongue in cheek she could be half Catwoman and half Austin Powers!  Ever since Allstate imprisoned her in that museum of advertising (although according to some reports Allstate has her working at a call center for minimum wage, after stripping her of her spy girl super powers and taking back her gadgets) she’s had worse career luck than Wonder Woman! Let’s face it – those two broads need a break worse than Lindsay!

Vaginal rejuvenation is the best revenge – Cause baby, I’m worth it!

Brandi bent out of shape over Eddie?

Now we come to a celebrity who had another sort of job done. When you’re a femme fatale who lives it to the limit sometimes you need a slight tune up. Other times you need a total retread. That’s what Brandi Glanville claims in Page6.  When her ex Eddie Cibrian left her for his current wife Leann Rimes, Brandi says she felt like her private parts had been ruined. So she treated her self to some ‘vaginal rejuvenation therapy‘ and had Eddie pick up the tab.

A 1 woman pussy riot

Seems that after the bust up Brandi wanted her vagina to be a Cibrian free zone. So she looked up on Dr. Matlock and had him make all the necessary readjustments. Then she handed over one of the ex’s credit cards to pay the bill. Since he’d befouled her previous equipment it seemed only fair he pay for the renovations. It’s just like when a bad tenant moves out and they lose their deposit. Anyway when Eddie got hit with the bill, he hit the roof, cause pussy resuscitation ain’t cheap. Brandi’s walkin’ around town with a $12 000 crack pot now! Eddie can’t complain cause he should know by now that men always pay for the vagie.

Everything you always wanted to know about Brandi but were afraid to ask

BTW you can read about Brandi’s ‘revenge vaginal rejuvenation’ in her upcoming book “Drinking Tweeting & Other Brandi Blunders“. This is the book that not only kisses and tells, it tells ya where!

Hey, good girls only stuff their bras! Bad girls hope it rides up with wear.

Let Wondertrash scratch your dirty gossip itch and you’ll never need rejuvenation!

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