Damsels in Distress

“Lindsay is absolutely stunned that this is happening to her,” 

Lindsay & her new attorney Mark Heller

Lindsay Lohan hates her new lawyer Mark Heller, according to Radaronline. Hate is a strong word so let’s say that she is desperate to replace him. So she’s been on the phone to everyone. She’s gone all the way up the food chain to former OJ Simpson dream teamer Robert Shapiro. He repped her a little while back, but isn’t eager to take her on again. Or at least that’s what might be inferred from his secretary’s response of “unavailable“.

Radar claims that Lohan is all day on the phone, when not in court, trying to find a new attorney. No one wants her. For one thing she’s broke. Lawyers can be kinda funny about that.  For another there’s the general impression that she’s too much trouble. No 3 is that she owes her former attorney Shawn Holley about $300 000 in unpaid legal fees. Holley’s kind of well respected in the legal community. So no one wants to take Lindz on knowing that she’s left a colleague with an unpaid 6 digit debt. So that leaves Lindz with Heller, who was once suspended for 5 years for unprofessional conduct. Now remember that Lindz is facing 2 legal battles this time – the Porsche thing where she said her assistant was driving, and the violation on the probation from the alleged jewelry theft. At times like these having a reliable lawyer takes a weight off of your mind. Is the lawyer who got Patty Hearst pardoned still available??

Back to the Beginning- Lara Croft is on the Job!

dangerous damsel Lara Croft returning to comics

If only Lindz could get it together, & land a job, she might turn the corner on her troubles. A lucrative franchise might be just the ticket. Comics are very big at the movies right now, & which comic book heroine has as many thrills, chills, & spills  – not to mention narrow escapes – as Ms. Lohan but Tomb Radar Lara Croft? After all “Lara Croft is an icon across all forms of media, including comic books,” said Karl Stewart, global brand director for TOMB RAIDER and Crystal Dynamics. Maybe that’s why Crystal Dynamics and Dark Horse Comics are bringing her back!

Dark Horse plans to release Tomb Raider: The Beginning which is a Lara Croft origin story, and written by Rhianna Pratchett. This will be the first issue in a new Lara Croft series from DH. It’s a 48 page hard cover that follows Croft’s 1st adventure. “Whilst penning Lara’s origins story for the game I had lots of ideas about the world she and the other characters inhabited, and the story behind their voyage: as great to be able to flesh out the world of TOMB RAIDER and work with the talented team at Dark Horse to bring Lara Croft back to comics,” said Rhianna Pratchett, lead game writer for TOMB RAIDER.

Erin Esurance – “How can I still be unemployed? I could rep any company that starts with an ‘E’!”

Now if they could only do something for poor Erin Esurance. You’ll remember that Erin was a popular cartoon pitch woman for an up and coming online car insurance company about 10 – 15 years back. She was a pink haired “special agent” for an insurance company who’s job included more cat suits and gadgets than filing and paper work. Her main job was to fight high insurance premiums, and red tape! So she was a tomb raider for your auto policy. She also inspired some fetishy devotion among her fans. So a lot of Erin amateur art started showing up around the net. It was nothing bad mind you – just your standard bunny ears, ball gags, and but plugs kind of stuff. Rumor is that’s why the whole Erin angle got canned. Insurance porn was just too embarrassing when Allstate took Esurance over.

Full to bursting, like Wonder Woman!

So that left Erin as a cartoon character at loose ends but full to bursting with potential. Wonder Woman can tell yo how that is! Sow hat to do with her? Maybe she could be renamed Erin Endurance and featured in some animated spy girl series? She’d get to wear a cat suit, have plenty of fashionable gadgets, and drive a sporty, tricked out spy-mobile! Then every week she could wriggle out of some trap in time to catch cartoon baddies. It may sound campy but done a little tongue in cheek she could be half Catwoman and half Austin Powers!  Ever since Allstate imprisoned her in that museum of advertising (although according to some reports Allstate has her working at a call center for minimum wage, after stripping her of her spy girl super powers and taking back her gadgets) she’s had worse career luck than Wonder Woman! Let’s face it – those two broads need a break worse than Lindsay!

Vaginal rejuvenation is the best revenge – Cause baby, I’m worth it!

Brandi bent out of shape over Eddie?

Now we come to a celebrity who had another sort of job done. When you’re a femme fatale who lives it to the limit sometimes you need a slight tune up. Other times you need a total retread. That’s what Brandi Glanville claims in Page6.  When her ex Eddie Cibrian left her for his current wife Leann Rimes, Brandi says she felt like her private parts had been ruined. So she treated her self to some ‘vaginal rejuvenation therapy‘ and had Eddie pick up the tab.

A 1 woman pussy riot

Seems that after the bust up Brandi wanted her vagina to be a Cibrian free zone. So she looked up on Dr. Matlock and had him make all the necessary readjustments. Then she handed over one of the ex’s credit cards to pay the bill. Since he’d befouled her previous equipment it seemed only fair he pay for the renovations. It’s just like when a bad tenant moves out and they lose their deposit. Anyway when Eddie got hit with the bill, he hit the roof, cause pussy resuscitation ain’t cheap. Brandi’s walkin’ around town with a $12 000 crack pot now! Eddie can’t complain cause he should know by now that men always pay for the vagie.

Everything you always wanted to know about Brandi but were afraid to ask

BTW you can read about Brandi’s ‘revenge vaginal rejuvenation’ in her upcoming book “Drinking Tweeting & Other Brandi Blunders“. This is the book that not only kisses and tells, it tells ya where!

Hey, good girls only stuff their bras! Bad girls hope it rides up with wear.

Let Wondertrash scratch your dirty gossip itch and you’ll never need rejuvenation!

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More Hunger Games Outrage

What is the most abundant resource on earth? Bullshit!

George Mr Sulu Takei recently tweeted some Hunger Games comments that are so similar to my own sentiments that I could almost believe he’s been reading Wondertrash! Kudos to Sulu for getting to the real point!

check your palm flower – & be sure you’re still with the Green Party

What I don’t get is why those teens didn’t renew on carousel! Now there finished for ever. Besides most of them were yellows. Greens at most. They were years away from turning red, let alone blinking! Perhaps they might have considered running!

I like Icke

If science fiction has taught us anything it’s that the future is a savage place. That’s cause nostalgia ain’t what it used to be. If you’ve been listening to the conspiracy theorists, like David Icke, then you understand the fiendish agenda behind movies like The Hunger Games. Of course it’s predictive programming.

There’s a reasonable explanation, & then there’s the truth!

The thing is that society is ruled by blood drinking child sacrificing lizards from another dimension. That’s where the myth of vampires – which are getting so popular recently what with Kate Beckinsale sashaying around in her skin tight cat suit & tarted up like Erin Esurance with fangs, or Robert Pattison & Kristen Stewart with their slightly creepy goth puppy – come from. Vampires used to be ugly brutes, like Nosferatu in the black & white film. They might be played by legendary Hollywood Creep Actors like Peter Lore or Bela Lugosi. Now they’re played by B Movie Queens & hot teens. It’s an attempt to make them cool, & sell the agenda to the masses.

New World Disorder – truth is stranger than fiction and reality is a trip!

The agenda is more than blood drinking, but that’s a big part of it. The reason these beasts got hooked on human blood is because when it’s loaded with stress hormones it becomes a powerful drug to these reptoids. It’s like meth x1000! So naturally they can’t get enough of the stuff. The problem is how to keep the humans wound up enough to make sure that they favorite brand of Red Bull packs the right punch. So they destabilize society to keep people in a constant state of fear an uncertainty. Plus they keep us in a state of contention, until we literally define ourselves by conflict and competition – just like The Hunger Games!

college taught me nothing – everything I know I learned from tin foil hat media!

So we’re not in Kansas anymore. Just imagine what we don’t know! We can see for ourselves that our world is being transformed before our very eyes into something surreal. It’s a programming of terra forming that’s changing our world from our home into theirs in much the same way that the Europeans stole North America from the Indians and then build their own weird matrix upon it! It happened slowly and insidiously. By the time the Indians got around to futile rebellion, it was too damned late. With the bizarre changes that have been creeping upon us you could almost believe that some star ship of reptilians actually found it’s way here some time in the not too distant past, and that the visitors have been disguising themselves and taking over behind the scenes in a strategy that circumvents any direct conflict. Stealth is so much more effective.

invasion of the star people & the holographic agenda

The agenda of stealth relies heavily on perception management and image manipulation. Holography as David Icke calls it. That’s not so far out. A movie is merely the technique (& you can’t call it an art) of projecting a false image (Even Johnny Depp refers to his on screen image as “it”, and like to remains ‘profoundly ignorant’ to distance himself from the celluloid creature. Of course all successful movie stars are MK Ultra programmed multiplies with butterfly mind control, but that’s another story and Fritz Springmeier tells it best! Needless to say if you’re an aspiring actor or actress going out on auditions then be sure to wear a butterfly pin and you’ll be in like Flynn, but be warned. If you wear the emblem of the cult and you aren’t a programmed monarch slave, then you soon will be once you’ve attracted their attention. They’ll suspect you wore their butterfly symbol because you know something. Knowing something makes you dangerous – which is why so many get marginalized as ‘crazy’ conspiracy theorists. Then you’ll be whisked off for some impromptu brainwashing to make you one of Hollywood’s obedient little zombies. Before you know it you be in some back room in some abandoned studio lot, spaced out on LSD, blindfolded and ball gagged while an electric cattle prod is repeated shoved up your ass. So Julia Voth be warned – that sport of thing happens in the entertainment industry all the time!). So naturally the reptilians have infiltrated entertainment – where they are masters of appearing to be other than what they are, news media, the music industry, politics, and basically every other form of human entertainment. That way they can toy with our consciousness by slipping their embedded hidden messages in. So children are taught that hunting each other for sport is heroic and cool!

tricked into pretending and make believe games

The point is that everyone knows that something is wrong with the entertainment industry but no one is sure just what it is. Some people think that its’ just a bunch of shallow greedy low key psychopaths who found a way to sublimate their anti social urges for fun and profit, quietly working their way up the food chain in the process. Others think that it has to be way more serious than that, possibly involving star ships and dimensional portals. I’d have written of the reptilians theory has far fetched but there has been confirmation. Hunter S Thompson saw people morphing into lizards during a trip to Las Vegas while he was stoned out of his mind. They point is that something has to be done about this ‘ cultural poisoning’ and as usual the best thing to do is nothing. Turn off, tune out, and drop out! When you’ve lost touch too much it’s about as much as you can do! Anyone who decides not to show up at work on Monday has my blessing!

the only choice is to refuse and live among the ruins

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"Catwoman, an alien and a pirate"

What would Wondertrash be without a daily dose of celebrity superhero madness? Fortunately or not today is not the day when you have to answer that question, cause there’s superhero madness on tap! It seems that very recently – a that means last night – there was an incident outside the Hollywood Kodak theater that had everything going for it except possibly a sequel. The incident involved celebrity lookalikes, and even a costumed crusader!

It seems that on the night in question a group of street performers were out and doing there thing – which involved dressing up like the famous and iconic. There was an Ozzy Osbourne impersonator, and Jack Sparrow wannabe, and even a Catwoman. Somewhere along the line things took a weird turn. According to reports some drinking started and that’s when Catwoman’s claws came out.

Catwoman got riled up and pepper sprayed Capt Jack, along with Ozzy, and another performer dressed as an alien. Then – true to her criminal nature – the felonious feline of comic book infamy fled the scene. While police were busy trying to find everyone involved – and since no arrests have yet been made we can assume that they’re searching with out the aid of Batman – NBC4 cracked the case by getting an exclusive interview with Catwoman. Catwoman explained that she let her fellow performers have it cause they’d been drinking all day and were getting obnoxious. Erotica Villainess’s story was confirmed by a Willy Wonka impersonator.

Now here’s some footage of the weirdness!


Anne Hathaway is skin tight tonight!

Speaking of Catwoman here’s Anne Hathaway debuting her new skin tight cat suit! BTW she hasn’t pepper sprayed anyone that we know of – but she did give a Dark Knight stunt man a black eye in a fight scene. Then she gave him a silver commemorative pen.


While Dreamboat Annie is a knockout she seems more of a Hawkgirl than a Catwoman.

Down around the Kodak Theater celebrity impersonator street performers must’ve been getting passe. However if they keep up with the reality TV antics they just might boost their business – assuming that their business is attracting attention from passing gawkers! If they keep it up they might even be on the fast track to super hero rehab! As for you non professionals out there – remember that it doesn’t pay to mess with a chick in a cat suit (unless she’s that poor pathetic Erin Esurance who’s more or less out of work now and may even be resorting to porno!) – not even at Comic-con!

Celebrity Astrology – if you have a birthday this month then you have at least one thing in common with Sarah Palin and Paris Hilton (and I can’t wait for their eventual and inevitable reality TV show together, just as soon as they can decide which one is gonna run as VP candidate and which will take the lead)! Just don’t overdo the Aquarius connection cause one thing in common with those two might be more than enough!

PS. As mentioned former cartoon vixen Erin Esurance is in a sorry state. Once upon a time she was the hottest thing in online car insurance. There were even talks of spy girl spin offs. That was a while back. Since then she’s been sidelined and out of work. The long dry spell may be starting to get to the once indefatigable super heroine too, as her latest tweets sound kinda desperate, with mentions of insanity creeping in.

That rumored part time security guard gig really seems to have broken her spirit! Stay strong Erin, and stay out of rehab!

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