Andy still a dick

Even Gloria Allred wouldn’t touch this!

I’d say that Andy Dick is still fighting his demons except that these days his demons are probably ashamed to be seen with him. That doesn’t mean that Andy is ashamed to show his face out in public, and his his usual condition too; drunk and disorderly! Seems that Andy was out and about down in Temecula, CA. That’s ’cause fashionable LA establishments won’t let him on their premises. Anyway Andy was enjoying himself in a local restaurant when he got a little too high spirited. That’s a polite euphemism for got drunk out of his mind and made a fool of himself.

everyday is a reality TV episode

Now there’s no word yet on what sort of tomfoolery Andy was involved in (I’m assuming that it was more than a nipple slip), but it did result in the usual visit from the cops. Andy got charged with a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct with alcohol. Then he was escorted off the premises and to the nearest drunk tank. It must be reassuring to know that there are some establishments that still welcome him; even if it’s only into the Lindsay Lohan suite. Anyway Andy got some time to sober up and enjoy some complimentary jail house hamburgers before paying his $500 fine and being released. So he is once again free to pursue his new career as a public nuisance! Oh yeah, and he also got this nifty mugshot as a little memento!

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Michael Lohan Arrested for Felony Domestic Violence

Michael Lohan: Fame is an octagon

It’s seems like trouble is the Lohan family business. On that score Lindsay seems to be the main bread winner with her frequent legal run ins and rehab stints. Papa Mikey is no slouch when it comes to rowdy hell raising himself. Mike has this problem which is that he occasionally likes to go ape shit on what ever woman is brain damaged enough to be dating him at the time. Like Kate Major. Kate was some kind of reporter or something with Star Magazine who got hooked up with and then dumped by Jon Gosselin. She rebounded on to Mike Lohan. I’d call that a case of sloppy seconds except that Major hasn’t qualified as ‘seconds‘ for many many helpings. She’s more like that thing festering in tinfoil at the back of the refrigerator.

Anyhow they were getting along famously and Kate was saying Lohan was the great love of her life, just the way she was saying Jon Gosselin was the great love of her life. It’s a lady’s perogative to change her mind – so Kate might as well try it too. Things were going along hunky dory until some one got drunk, we’re not sure who but it could have been both of them, and then the shit hit the fan. The story that trickled down to the public via twitter, the internet, and supermarket tabs, was that Mikey got home all liquored up and found Kate drunk and out cold in an arm chair. one thing lead to another as such situations often do and soon Kate was sprawled on the floor and the cops were on the way. This couldn’t have happened at a worse time for Mikey since he only had 2 weeks left on his probation for some previous domestic assault type incident.

Some guys never win. In Mikey’s case it’s more like some guys never learn. That’s because it appears lover boy has pulled another one of his patented shit for brains stunts. The details are so far sketchy, but it goes something like this:

“Mr. Lohan was arrested after we received a call around 9 p.m. regarding a domestic dispute. He was detained after he was spotted walking on the street near our station. He showed no signs of intoxication that I’m aware of and has been cooperative.”

At least that’s the version Lt. John Ratto gave People Magazine. Maybe Lt Latto is some kind of celebrity liaison officer. The slightly more detailed version as Lohan assaulting an unnamed victim. Lohan thens tarted complaining about an “unrelated medical condition” – I’m guessing chest pains. So he was rushed over to Cedars Sinai Hospital. He’s currently laying low there while he contemplates his next move.

That next move better involve a way to raise a hughnomous wad of cash, ’cause this time the police are holding him on 200 000 bail. It’s gonna be tough for Mikey to pull in those kind of funds since Lindsay is the oly one in the family with any kind of income. Her income is currently tied up in rehab bills and lawyers fees, stemming from her own particular brand of mayhem.

So look on the bright side – Japan may be about to go nuclear, the mid east may be dissolving in turmoil, Charlie Sheen is threatening to unleash violent torpedoes of truth on the nation in the form of a cross country stand up tour, and Donald Trump may be poised to run for office on a Sarah Palin presidential ticket; but at least Michael Lohan is off the streets and in some kind of supervised environment for an indefinite period of time. Every once in a blue moon the system works! There could even be an up side to this. Mikey might eventually earn his own living by pitching a reality TV concept where he fights other D List celebs! They could call the show Michael Lohan’s Starwhackers! It’d beat American Idol to hell!

Firecrotch Redhanded

As for the second most troubled member of the Lohan clan, Lindsay is set to pull a Mel & plead no contest to her jewelry stealing charges. Her mother Dina emphasizes that o contest is not the same as guilty – it’s completely different in the way that not guilty doesn’t mean innocent. She then goes on to call LA a fucked up town – that’s not news but saying it won’t make her any friends, and talk about some imaginary film projects she’s considering for her daughter.

Personally I’d recommend a few whacked out calls to Alex Jones (make sure to frequently mention starwhackers) followed by a Lindsay Lohan nation wide stand up tour. They could call it “Sticky Fingers“, or if the Rolling Stones get pissed over that then maybe “Firecrotch Red Handed“. Read about that over @ Zimbio!


Xtina Fucks It Up

Star Spangled Bungle

There are certain big events in American Culture, and among those the Superbowl is the very biggest. It’s so big that even the commercials are events .Well they should be. Some one once calculated that out of a 4 1/3 hours Superbowl broadcast there was only about 11 mins of actual playtime. The rest went to pre show, half time show, post show, commentary, and reams of ads. The ads are so important that they get promoted themselves for about 2 weeks prior to the game – in what amounts to advertising for commercials. Then after the show’s done, viewers can go online and vote for their favorite Superbowl ad in what amounts to an online focus group!

“She was the only high profile performer we could get who didn’t need to lip synch”

Now when an event is that big, being asked to kick things off as an opening act is an honor, and something that you don’t want to mess up. That’s why Superbowl organizers asked Christina Aguilera to sing the national anthem, and start the ball rolling. After all, Christina is a talented & charismatic young woman, and she knows a thing or two about not messing up – well compared to her erstwhile rivals Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson anyway. Of course there was her sex tape, and a few other minor career glitches along the way; so in retrospect this has to be one of those “What were they thinking?” situations.

she got the idea from the Simpsons

I say it’s clear in hindsight that this was a bad idea because now everyone knows what a shit awful job Christina made of the Star Spangled Banner. She could have gone out and done a low key pro job that everyone would’ve appreciated. It is the Superbowl so everyone is eager to move onto the main event. However her highness had to turn it into the Christina Aguilera show by showing her full vocal range. Show her full vocal range meant balling and screeching like a cat in heat, or like Bleeding Gums Murphy when he sang the National Anthem for the Springfield Isotopes on an episode of the Simpsons!

jib jabbing and ad libbing

Apart from chewing up the scenery Christina made another notable blunder – she fucked up the words. When Xtina got to the part that was supposed to go “o’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming“, Xtina sang “what so proudly we watched, at the twilight’s last reaming“. Now we can only hope that was an innocent blunder – of the kind that have become more common as the American Public School system sips farther; and not Xtina’s idea of an edgy ad lib. However ad libbing would be consistent with the rest of her over the top performance. She not so much performed the anthem as much as she used it to try and hijack the Superbowl!

… and they say that there’s no such thing as bad publicity

So Christina got her moment and made a spectacle of herself. The upshot is that she did get talked about the next day. She got even more coverage than the actual game – which must have been the idea when she tried making a meal out of the anthem like that. Of course it’s not the kind of attention she might have wanted, since her American Idol routine wasn’t appreciated. This kind of attention is more like Ricky Gervais after the Golden Globes. The difference being that there’s no good side to this. Even Christina is a little defensive about the incident – as she took to twitter to lash out at her critics:

Christina says “Fuck Off”

this isn’t the worst thing that ever happened at a Superbowl

That attitude isn’t going to help her. Why not try looking on the bright side? She did make a big day even bigger, in an epic fail sort of way. Also her National Anthem performance has probably gone viral on youtube hours ago, and that’s’ gotta count for something. Finally she’s not the first celebrity to make an ass out of herself at the Superbowl. Remember when Justin Timberlake went a little too far in bringing sexy back with Janet Jackson?

The main thing is that Justin recovered from that – mainly by not talking about it or bringing it up ever again. So let’s not blow everything out of proportion. Celebs like attention so sometimes that can go a little nuts when the spotlight hits them. So not only is Christina not the first Superbowl blow out – she won’t be the last. In fact some of us are already trying to guess who next year’s hi profile potential fuck up might be. Word of advice to who ever that is – use a teleprompter, tape it ahead of time if you can, and whatever you do don’t over do it. Remember the Superbowl isn’t about you.

PS. Christina has gotten around to an official response. It’s a little more tactful than her TwitterFuck Off” too. Aguilera was quoted in US Magazine just recently, and by recently I mean minutes ago, saying that she only got fucked up on the anthem because she was carried away (Though some others are saying that she was half in the bag. Some comment is being made about how her voice is starting to go too, like Whitney Houston’s, so the inference can be made that she’s riding the rehab railroad all the way to rock bottom!).

She wasn’t carried away with herself either – despite what many may think – but was full of a patriotic frenzy! Says Christie – “I got so caught up in the moment of the song that I lost my place,” says the star. “I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through.

She must have got caught up in the moment of her excuse too, because the girl goes on to say, in the very same statement to US, that “I have been performing the anthem since I was seven years old and I must say the Super Bowl is a dream come true…I am really excited to be part of such an iconic event.” So she’s been performing the anthem since 7 and still couldn’t get it right – that’s just adding insult to injury!


More Trouble for Earl Girl

7 Simple Dares to fuck up your wedding you’re halfway serious about entertainment gossip, then you’re familiar with the antics of My Name Is Earl girl Jaime Pressly. By antics I mean stunts like pissing in the street and driving around loaded. Now this ain’t stuff she did on the show we’re talking about, but some wacky real life stunts. Her street pissing got caught on camera during her bridal shower. Before anyone could ask whether Bridezilla was marking her territory in an pre wedding estrogen frenzy, Jamie explained that she wasn’t really peeing, it was from a water bottle placed beside her and out of camera range. Oh yeah and it was dare #7 on her bridal party dare list. Since that marriage is currently defunct I guess it wasn’t worth the public urination stunt.

flyin’ high & DUI

As for the DUI – that involved Pressly blowing a 2.2 on the breathalyzer. That’s Boris Yeltsin level drunk (Remember Boris? He was such an alchy that he got caught naked in a Moscow river after a bender – back when he was still running for Pres of that country. He claimed that it was an assignation attempt by his political enemies. Everyone in Moscow split their guts laughing at that – though some in the West almost took it seriously.). So she probably had no business behind the wheel of a car. She was so hi – allegedly – that she could’ve flown without benefit of a plane. Upshot is she got busted and of course plead not guilty. She’s current out on $15 000 bail.

look out for an attack of the Starwhackers!

Well looks like Ms. Pressly has more to worry about then police spot checks. Word is out now that Jaime is in trouble with the IRS. Her trouble stems from about $600 000 in unpaid taxes. The bill breaks down to this: there was some confusion about Ms Pressly’s 2008 taxes, so the IRS filed a $281,699 lien against her back in Sept. 2008. That didn’t get paid (her stylist was handling it *wink*), so another lien of $260,370 got added to that back in Dec. Another lien of $95,080 got tacked on in June 21 (solstice day – do you smell the foul hand of the Illuminati at work?), perhaps just for cheesing of the IRS with her tardiness and giving everyone a hard time. Add those liens up and the total is trouble!

you know you’re in shit when: Pressly’s publicist could not be reached immediately for comment’s hard to say (but easy to guess) what Ms. Pressly’s personal problem is (next stop – rehab), beyond drunk driving and public urination; except to say that Pamela Anderson took more than a decade to get herself fucked up that far in arrears (and then she began screwing the electrician just to get her renovations done!). Besides Pam had a genuinely successful career on an international hit TV show – not a supporting role on a TV comedy (though she started out that way – Tool Time), which gave her more rope to hang herself with. Pressly has done this on a shoe string, in comparison.

following Jessica Simpson down the path of blond perdition

Whatever her personal problems, Pressly has a serious financial problem. Her tax beef is on both state and federal levels. Federal is as bad as it gets. No matter how she’s gotten there, though, she is in deep shit this time. The IRS has taken down celebrities before – Wesley Snipes and Willie Nelson; so they’d have no compunction about tossing a TV supporting actress from a defunct show into the slammer. They nailed Martha Stewart for less. Add that messy divorce from entertainment lawyer Simran Singh (divorce a lawyer and the next thing you know you’re in shit with the government – go figure) – since they’ve only been married for a few months it can’t be amicable, no matter what publicists say – and this could be one humdinger of a year for the Earl Girl.


Celebrity Outrage Mania!

Wonky Willie – more nuts than chocolate!

Usually Awards season marks a lull in celebrity shenanigans. Everyone is on their best behavior because no one wants to fuck up and forfeit their invitation to the prom. Getting jammed up prior to the Oscars and losing your Golden Ticket could mean instant demotion to the D List (Just like Chris Brown about this time last year. If you’re you’re gonna mess up at least wait until after the ceremonies, like Sandra Bullock ex Jesse James. Last year’s Oscars are gonna be a tough act to follow!). So everyone tries to put their best foot forward at all times. That means sucking it in until the season passes so they can get back to their normal bad behavior. Usually that is, but this season seems to be a bit of an exception.

Hornet’s Nest it was Tom Cruise’s controversial announcement that the Oscars don’t really matter that shook everyone loose but we’re getting some alearming reports of celebrity outrage mania coming out of the thirty mile zone. Reports like those concerning Edward Furlong. You might remember him from Terminator 2. People predicted a great future for him but then he got mixed up in drugs of the crystal meth variety, Now that stuff not only messes up you face real bad but can make your career and life unmanageable. So Furlong had a sort of hiatus for awhile. in this case hiatus means he became as unemployable as Lindsay Lohan (a sure Oscar night absentee, even if she ain’t in rehab or wearing a scram bracelet on the night).

That hiatus recently ended when Furlong was cast in The Green Hornet. Hornet is an anticipated film so it’s good work for a promising actor trying to get back on track. Unfortunately some old baggage came back to haunt him. Furlong has had a tempestuous relationship with his ex wife Rachel Kneeland. By tempestuous I mean that the police often have to mediate between the pair. mediation has lead to a restraining order. In fact the terms of the order require Furlong to stay at least 100 yards away from Kneeland at all times. To put that in perspective they could attend the same football game but only of they’re seated in opposite end zones.

Furlong decided to do an end run around the restraining order recently, at least according to the ex. While he’d didn’t go for a touch down, he did get within the 50 yard line. So that was a technical foul and lead to the troubled young actor getting carted off by the cops and then locked up on 75 000 bail! That’s a lot of money for some one who’s last major role was as robot Schwarzenegger’s teen aged side kick, and who spend the time since then burning up his earnings through little glass pipes! It couldn’t have happened at a worse time either – the arrest happened with in 24 hours of Furlong attending a special Green Hornet premier. The actual violation occurred about a month back so that makes the timing sound like a case of revenge being served cold, or at least chilled.Oh the humiliation!

If there’s a bit of spite involved it shouldn’t be too surprising. Furlong and Kneeland, who also goes under the name Rachel Bella, had a real bad bust up. During the divorce Kneeland claimed that Furlong had started to lose his grip on reality after his drug use escalated out of proportion. She claimed that he beat her up, threatened her life frequently, and also became psychotic and suicidal. Oh yeah and she had him committed to a psych ward at one point. Plus a lot of creepy phone message by Furlong for Kneeland have got released along the way. They concern Furlong’s son Ethan by Kneeland and swear bloody reprisals against Kneeland’s current boyfriends should they get anywhere near the lad. Bloody reprisals in this case mean an enraged and drugged up Furlong threatening to tear things out and open things up in the grievous bodily harm vein!

Now Furlong’s reps were claiming that he’d been clean and sober of 5 years. those kind of assurances no doubt helped his career back on track. Now it looks like the poor fellow’s demons are making a reappearance, if not a full blown sequel. They’ve reappeared at the worst time too, just as his Green Hornet project was being hyped up. So it looks like he might be due for another long painful hiatus. At the very least he’s blown his shot at an official Oscar invite. He should still be eligible for some unofficial Oscar night activities though. I’m sure for instance that he could get into Charlie Sheen’s Oscar party!

Terminator: The film's sequel helped launch the young star's career

Child star fuck ups are becoming an epidemic in America. Then again outrageous child behaviour is becoming epidemic. The USA seems to be a culture that has list control of it’s youth, or at least that’s what the Simpsons would have us believe, back in that episode where the Commonwealth of Australia wanted to boot Bart in the bum (They’d never have gotten away with razzing the Aussies like that if they weren’t owned by the same fellow who has a controlling interest in Australia – FOX TV’s Rubert Morlock!). If some of the more outrageous reportage is to be beleived America youth a running whild in the streets as behaviour modifying medications fail to curb their antisocial tendencies, or improve their grades.

So what could be the answer? Well boot camps seem to have had some positive results – if reality Tv is to be believed. If that can help the larger issue of youthful high spiritedness, maybe it could do something for the specific problem of child stars run amok! Considering how the system has failed Lindsay Lohan (not to mention Mischa Barton) it might certainly be worth a try. It could also lead to a whole new series of Celeb Rehab type spin offs in which belligerent child actors are sent off to TV boot camps to have their spirits broken. We can’t be sure what such series might be like, but they would surely be watchable, and might even turn out something like this!

Perhaps the problem of out of control youth seems worse than it is. Nowadays we know everything, thanks to the Internet. So the minute some child star goes of the rails we get the gory details. Then we wax nostalgic for the good old days when Opie said the darnedest things but never got out of line. If you only knew half the shit Shirley Temple was into, it might put things in a whole new perspective! Then again you never hear about the child stars who keep their noses clean and stay on track – like this fellow:

American Gothic’s Lucas Black – Sorcerer’s Apprentice

Down in Trinity South Carolina Sheriff Buck (“That’s Buck with a ‘B’!“) raises kids right, even if that takes a dose of black magic! The complete American Gothic series is available over @!


Jaime Pressly – Earl Girl Busted for DUI!

a boozer, a user, & a loser – trashy and hilarious

You may remember actress Jaime Pressly from such shows as Trailer Park Boys rip off series My Name is Earl. She’s the one who played the blond tramp who was constantly trying to kill her ex husband – Scientology Jason Lee. Jason Lee may have never worked out his karma, but karma recently caught up with the hot trampy blond. The TV slut got busted driving around Santa Monica at about 11 PM. The cops noticed some erratic driving, pulled over the actress, and performed a field sobriety test; which the little slut failed! After that she got whisked away to the Lindsay Lohan Celebrity Holding Cell and held on 15 000 bail!

Now just because Pressly played a drugged out drunken tramp on TV is no reason why she has to act like one in real life – though you have to admire her commitment to holding up the image! Still let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe all those years on Earl finally caught up with her. Since it was about the only significant role that she has ever had it was bound to make an impression on her little bleached blond head. She did do more than one hilarious mug shot back in her trailer park days. Lets have a little look back at JP’s greatest hits!

So Ms Pressly has had some practice in posing for mugshots. IN fact she cut a merry figure indeed, back in her Earl heyday. In real life she seems much more crest fallen. Then again, as Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, and numerous others could have told Ms Pressly, the real thing is a lot different then say the Earl thing. So even though she got tons and tons of attention over it, it might not be much to smile about.

We should give Ms. Jaime a break though. This was bound to happen. It’s been brewing ever since her bachelorette party! That was when she got photographed by some near by paparazzi while performing “dare number 8“. Lest you ask what dare number 8 was, here’s one those embarrassing pictures!

Jaime laughed that one off, claiming that it was a fake. She claimed that she poured water out from a near by bottle, just out of site of the cameras. Still the whole deal was embarrassing enough tog et her featured in infamous celebrity blog Perezhilton. So after that, you’d think getting featured in a real life mugshot would be a snap! She’d better shape up though, or her next role will be as Jerri Blank!

Going Straight – sort of

BTW To avoid confusion Jaime Pressly is the girl from Earl, and not the psycotic girlfriend from season 2 of Dexter. That would be another Jaime – Jaime Murray. Ms Murray has not been involved in any criminal activity, but spends her time quietly, avoiding men and hanging with ex Dex castmate Julie Benz – *wink, wink*. Now don’t go thinkin’ about that too much or you’ll get moist as a snack cake down there, or at least all mildewy!


Get well soon, Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods used to be an amazing golfer. He could do things with balls that people didn’t believe were possible. Then he got doing things with his balls that his that his wife, and the public, never suspected. That’s when the shit hit the fan and we never thought about Tiger Woods the same way again.

Tiger never played the same way again either. Golf is a mental game – so I’m told.Tiger is mentally fucked. Since his life became a 3 ring circus he hasn’t been able to hit the broad side of a barn, let alone get a ball into a hole. He did hit something recently though. While competing @ the Ryder Cup, Woods missed the hole, but nailed a photographer!

How’d it happen? Well Tiger was on the 18th hole. Daily Mail photographer Mark Pain was in position to what he thought would be another routine shot of Woods screwing up. However when Woods hit the ball Pain discovered that he was actually in the perfect spot to get this!

Well now, wasn’t that embarrassing – though it was a little like the James Bond opening except with a golf ball instead of a gun! Tiger used to blow his cool in such situations. This time neither he nor his caddy Steve Williams freaked out about it. For one thing they both knew that the snapper wasn’t at fault. For another thing they both must be getting used to these kind of bizarre fuck ups from the former greatest golfer ever. Whether Tiger ever gets his touch back, he’s managed to run the gamut from being the best pro golfer to one of the worst pros on tour today. Not that he’s consistently bad but when he fucks up it’s a humdinger!

Fame isn’t all champagne, caviar, and the world at your feet. Sometimes, as Hunter S Thompson noted, the going gets weird. When that happens youc an find yourself the featured performer in a real life freak show. So whadya do? Maybe Tiger could get some guidance from someone who’s been through it themselves, and is emerging through the other side. Besides, look at the bright side Tiger, at least you weren’t exposed as being a 35 year old virgin or anything – so the moral of the story is that it could be worse (and probably will be).

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