Gossip Overload

Heather Locklear hospitalized

Things are heating up so hold on to your hats. 1stly Heather Locklear is back in hospital. She’s had an off and on battle with booze and pills for over 15 years. She kept it a well hidden secret by drinking on the sly and checking into hotels with a sobriety coach to dry out. It came to light back when her ex Richie Sambora started seeing Charlie Sheen ex Denise Richards. The strain may have been too much for Locklear and she went off the wagon. That’s when her years of secret drinking got out.

The on and off battle is on again with a vengeance. TMZ is reporting that Heather has been admitted to hospital for a booze and pills overdose. Heather’s sister found her and phoned authorities on 2:05 PM. That’s when the Verntura County Sheriff’s Dept got involved. Paramedics who arrived on the scene decided Heather needed to be hospitalized. This comes on the heels of her bust up with former Melrose Place co star Jack Wagner.

Lindsay Lohan – Lien on me

Locklear isn’t the only celeb having a hard time of it lately. Lindsay Lohan specializes in hard times and things are now getting seriously hairy for her. She’s had her brushes with the law from time to time, and usually she comes out ahead. This time the big guns are pointed straight her way. The big guns in question belong to the IRS, and these dudes don’t mess around.

Now everyone who’s been following Lindz knows that she’s run into some serious fiscal trouble lately. That’s because she’s been out of work for awhile. Paying of a pack of lawyers to keep her ass out of jail didn’t help the situation. Some stories have had her bumming money out of friends at the super market check out so that she could afford her Ben & Jerry’s. Her current situation is more serious. Seems that she owes Uncle Sam about $93 000 that she neglected to pay. SO the IRS is putting a lien on her.

Lindz, through her spokes persons, says that shew as unaware of the problem. That’s believable, since for one thing she’s had a lot of plates spinning. Sources also say that the tax bill got lost in the shuffle – Lindz recently replaced most of her financial management. The problem should be easy to fix. Lindz recently got a million dollar pay day for doffing her duds in Playboy. Besides, if things really get rough there’s always Dancing With the Stars!

Sinead O Connor in crisis

A mess with the IRS is bad but it could be worse. It seems to be for radical Irish songstress Sinead O Conner. If you’re beyond a certain age you’ll remember that she’s the one who tore up a picture of the Pope on SNL to protest Andrew Dice Clay’s participation in the show! Clay’s Jewish so it didn’t really make sense – but it was a long time ago.

Lately Sinead’s been erratic. Things started out innocently enough. She had a gig to cut some tracks for some new album. She got herself a Twitter account about the same time. At first the tweets were straight forward – the “hi how are ya” kind. There was even a good dose of self effacing humour – “I’m a gal you can take anywhere twice, the second time to apologize“. Then things started spiraling out of control.

Sinead got married to some guy. It only lasted 16 days. Then she started tweeting about how she needed a man real bad, especially if he was Robert Downey jr! She tweeted that she was developing some strange preoccupations with fresh supermarket produce, what without a good man being handy. Finally she took to the Tweet to ask her followers if they knew any good shrinks in the Dublin/Wicklow area. She explained that she was crying out to the world because Ireland is a poor place to look for help. Well it’s now been revealed that Sinead has attempted suicide a couple of times recently – once by overdose after a performance in LA last Thursday, in which Glenn Close was in attendance! Hopefully things will improve for O Connor.


Send in the clones

Remember when Octomom got big a few years back (both literally and figuratively)? Apart from the fact that she’d had 8 kids at once, the thing that amazed people was her resemblance to Angelina Jolie. Then it turned out that the resemblance, like the pregnancy wasn’t on the level. She’d got her self knocked up with multiple embryos using a doctor who’s license got pulled after the scam got uncovered. The doctor who gave her the Jolie face transplant is apparently still working and perfecting his/her technique. Or so the sudden emergence of Angelina Jolie clones would have you think.

The big one at the moment is Lina Sands. She’s an aspiring Spanish actress – aspiring actress that is since I think being Spanish comes naturally. She won’t confirm or deny having any little cosmetic touch ups, but she doesn’t mind flaunting her resemblances to yesterdays sex symbol by way of youtube (it would’ve lsot impact on Twitter so Youtube was the way to go with this). Here’s the video that’s starting ot make some buzz!

Girls Moist Likely!

She does look like Vagina Jolie – as she did about 12 years and 30 pounds ago. People liked her better then. Also this chick seems to have a pleasant and suer friendly personality. That’s unlike Jolie who always seemed a little possessed. People found that exciting but were never quite sure when the actress might go off her head, run amok, or possibly even get dangerous. Now that only goes to show that you can’t judge a book by it’s public image since apart from holding Brad Pitt hostage these many years, Jolie never ever did go on that long anticipated Thelma and Louise cross country crime spree. Others like Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton, and Britney Spears were gonna have to fill the mayhem void that Jolie had been pegged to plug. Which only goes to show that sometimes it’s the ones you least suspect instead of the girl most likely.

So there’s Lina out there sporting an over bite like Bugs Bunny while pro gossip writers go “WOW – another one“. Thing is that she ain’t the only one. There seem to be a whole slew of unsung Vagina Jolie duplicates out there. Like the chick from the Ukraine for one thing. Her name is Tatyana Vorzheva and might look more like Pia Zadora at first – until you know what you’re looking for (how else can you see what you’re supposed to see?).

Plastic surgery is an assembly line for D Listers!

The girl seems to have something – but there is too mush Pia Zadora mixed in to be convincing. That’s why it’s good to have the professionals to fall back on. By professionals I mean the army of impersonators who make their dubious living as celebrity body doubles and both dine and out pay the rent by their resemblance, chance or surgical, to the famous. Jolie isn’t an exception there. She also has a professional impersonator, apart from Octomom. This one goes under the moniker of Tiffany Claus and here’s a look at her.

She is convincing but may have had help from the scalpel. Now those who aspire to Joliehood should be warned that getting sliced and diced to fame and fortune is not without it’s side effects. “Not without” is an awkward way of say “it has”. Here it is!

So where does this leave us? A little better off maybe. Vagina Jolie was getting a terrible attitude that comes from being one of a kind. The minute some one figures out that others think they’re dispensable then they’re on the short road to turning into Hitler! Fortunate Vagina kept it in check and limited it to writing for the economist and stealing kids from the 3rd world – Baba Yaga style (Baba Yaga is an eastern European term for the local witch who likes to steal children from new mothers. The name literally means “Boney Ass” and at Jolie’s current weight it fits!).

you can’t spell “superficial” without “super”

The thing is now we have some substitutes to fall back on, in case the whole beauty thing starts really going to Vagina’s head. Should Hollywood’s No 1 fembot malfunction and go haywire – say by running for Pres in the fall with Sarah Palin as VP, or even by getting a show on the OWN Network, then she cane be shelved indefinitely while one of the younger friendlier 2.0 versions are made much of. That’ll teach her. It might diminish the whole cachet of uniqueness though, when clones start popping up with the frequency of new born bunnies. Still this is the age of the iPhone – every one has one and there’s always a better one. So think of this as making beauty more democratic!

Now here’s another little cautionary video on the perils of plastic surgery – Megan Fox style!

In a more naive time they would’ve billed those before shots as “Megan without make up!” Now the 1st video morns the loss of a ‘great beauty’. It should be pointed out that Megan is still alive, though she looks a little different. Maybe that’s the repsonse that fuels the insecureities that lead to the plastic surgery in the first place. The point is that no one stopped her, not even for the good of the nation! We were more concerned with Lindsay Lohan. That’s a shame since you can always go to rehab for drug addiction but there’s no eraser for plastic surgery! So hopefully the beautiful people and their marketers will keep that in perspective from here on in – It is Hollywood so let’s not let mental health concerns ever get a head of looking your very best! AS for Foxy, if she was gonna get renovations done on her face, couldn’t she have gotten something done about those awful thumbs at the same time!

You can’t spell superficial without super!


Lucky Stiffs

Fame is like being the stiff at your own funeral

Remember when Randy & Evi Quaid went off their heads and sought refugee status in Vancouver? They claimed that organized bands of “starwhackers” were targeting the rich and famous, like themselves, for death. The motive was money. The Quaids maintained that with unpredictable and flighty stars out the way, unprincipled business types in three piece suits could gain control of their royalty streams in perpetuity. They could then cash in! Naturally everyone laughed. Sensible folk assumed that the Quaids had gone off their flighty little Hollywood heads, perhaps with the help of crack, meth, or some other substance that required a stint in Dr Drew’s Celebrity Rehab!

Now there is some validation for the Quaids flaky theories. In a story unrelated to the Quaids, 60 Minutes recently covered the new phenomenon of dead earners. A dead earners is a dead celebrity, or “delebrity” as their handlers call them, who continues to make a mint even after passing from this veil of tears.This was made possible by some innovations in law that allow the celebs’ estates to continue marketing the celebrities’ images even after the celebrities themselves have parted company with them. Before that once a famous person died their image, likeness, voice, etc were up for grabs. Any shrewd marketer could stick James Dean or John Wayne on a T shirt or lunch box and cash in to their hearts content. Once the law got changed the estate could put the image etc to work earning money for an indefinite future in a kind of postmortem indentured servitude. To think that they laughed when Scientology offered adherents billion year contracts. Those billion year contracts proved to be decades ahead of their time!

Now milking dead celebs of their residual fame has become a lucrative and even multi billion dollar business on par with developing social networks for the Internet. The agent interviewed in 60 Minutes brags representation of some 250 show business and sports figures the majority of whom lost their vital signs many years back – celebs like Marilyn Munroe, James Dean, Elvis Presley, and the mother of all lucky stiffs Albert Einstein! That has made him, his colleagues in the deleb business, and the estates of the dearly departed wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice! How wealthy you might ask? Well as an indication Michael Jackson earned more last years than her highness Oprah Winfrey!

Jackson has had a real career resurgence since dying. While he lived the poor man was dogged day and night by pedophilia rumours. Nor was that the only image damage he had incurred. He was easy tabloid fodder as stories emerged of him hanging around Bahrain dressed as a Muslim woman, and their were frequent references to the poor man’s freaky plastic surgery. It was believed that he’d had skin bleaching to deblack himself, and that he’d lost his original nose some where long the way. The nose was believed to have been replaced with a paraffin prosthesis which was uncomfortable and could start to melt at high temperatures. So Jackson began leaving the schnoz at home and wore a surgical mask on his infrequent but hi profile jaunts out into the real world. That sort of alleged behavior earned him the moniker of Whacko Jacko and made him unmarketable. His last live venture was a series of performances in London which bombed hard. At the time of his death the Prince of Pop was in debt bad.

Once he died everything changed. Whacko Jacko wasn’t about to mess anything up anymore. So his image was due for some rehabilitation. The Jackson 3 where trotted out at the memorial to proclaim that Jackson was the best dad ever. That kind of killed the pedo stories. Also Jacko got a promotion from Prince of Pop to King – just like his late but still lucrative father in law. A few weepy testimonials from ex wife Lisa Marie Presley and the deal was sealed. Jackson was cleaning up with a vengeance! No one is quite sure where the money is going since the Jackson clan, including his beloved mother, claim that they haven’t seen one thin dime out of the estate handlers. Yet no less an authority than Forbes Magazine declared him the top earner of the year.

So with all these death benefits racking up that brings us back to the Quaids. The whole dead earners angle seems to add even more validity to their flaky story. That validity comes in the form of one of the strongest principles of the lot – quo bono. Quo bono is a fancy Latin legal way of saying “who benefits?“, and in effect means that when there’s a ton of loot to be made there will be some pretty unprincipled operators maneuvering around like sharks on chum to take advantage of the wind fall. If that sounds pretty far fetched then remember that the more decimal points you add behind the dollar sign the less far fetched the scheme seems. Besides, considering how all those corrupt wall street bakers carried on, would you put anything past an executroid in a suit? Now here’s that 60 Minutes piece that puts it in perspective with a lucidity and relevance that Gary the Spaceman Bell might envy!


That was unintentionally convincing wasn’t it? In fact it might have some of the more conspiratorial minded among you asking “who’s next?” It’s very doubtful that there will be any kind of organized mass cull of celebrities though. Business doesn’t work that way, only power politics. It’s probably closer to the truth that Mark Zuckerberg, in collaboration with Bill Gates and the Rand Corporation are even now developing complicated ‘personality simulator‘ algorithms for computers. That way the current crop of delebrities can be made to do even more with out the need to add to their ranks. They would continue to annoy and irritate ordinary people much the way hologramatic prat Arnold Rimmer did with average guy Dave Lister on Brit com space parody Red Dwarf.

Lively lately – Making the transition to suspended animation

So Walter Cronkite might come back to host the CBS News again, should Katie Couric finally be encouraged to leave. Or Johnny Carson could be conjured up and help NBC with the Leno problem. Since their response parameters would be programed in to some control program; they would make the same remarks, tell the same jokes, and use the same stock phrases as when they were alive. In fact even careful observers wouldn’t be able to tell the difference from the hologramtic delebrity’s performance, and their rote routines performed back in life. That is unless some hot shot programmer tweaks the algorithms for charisma, intelligence, emotion, or independent thought. Then the jig would be up when viewers began noticing that their favorite entertainment personalities seemed to lively lately! Let’s face it, 80% of popular entertainment is the art of repetitiveness.

Speaking of freaky conspiracies here’s the latest full broadcast of Gary Bell & the View From Space!

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Beautiful Loser – Is Megan Fox a Druggie?

A long time ago, back when Megan Fox was the second coming of sex…

When Megan Fox got dropped off of T3 everyone naturally assumed that director Michael Bay had enough of her big overactive mouth. After all she did basically call T2 a piece of crap, or something, on a late night talk show. Actually she said the Transformers wasn’t about great acting. Since Bay didn’t set out to make A Man For All Seasons some didn’t see the basis for a beef. Bay seemed to take exception and made his own statement in which he referred to the many actors he’d “made” over the years, like Will Smith. Then he went on to hint that he was sad Fox didn’t have what it took to be one of them. People were waiting for the inevitable Fox fall out, in which her character would wind up as the Bride of Megatron in the next Transformers. Bay went on to reassure everyone that Ms. Sexy would be in the 3rd Transformers movie, on his website. Then came the announcement that Fox was out. Bay made some references to alarming weight lose. Everyone thought that was a cover story. No one was surprised.

Fall of Fox

What is surprising is that there may be some truth to the alarming weight loss stories. Fox did drop serious weight for Jennifer’s Body. Some say that she went as low as 97 pounds. There were also some stories that she was beginning to lose her hair. In fact there were rumors going around that big ugly bald spots were starting to show through Fox’s hair extensions. Now there are a lot of explanations for a hot young actresses losing weight and hair unexpectedly: like stress, overwork, and an eating disorder. Then there’s the obvious explanation.

be your own starwhacker

Now Fox has never kept her drug use a secret. She’s a public marijuana supporter. However pot doesn’t make your hair fall out. So rumors begin swirling around that Ms. Meggers was getting her pretty surgically tweaked snoot into something harder. Now these stories make the rounds in Follywood about young actresses, especially when their hair and teeth start dropping out, and they begin rubbing on the fake bake to cover their sickly pallor (“Do you think that I’d get plastic surgery to look this bad at my age unless I had to?!“). Usually it gets dismissed – as it was with Mischa Barton, even though she was routinely showing up for assignments and interviews stoned out of her gourd (and which was reported on this very blog a month or so before her 5150 wisdom tooth freak out) – until there’s more than sizzle behind the smoke. This time there appears to be some beef to the stories and the confirmation comes by way of Laineygossip.

boozers, users, and beautiful losers

Back in March 2009 Lainey covered a Fox/BAG related story that she called Toxic tweaky love. Besides implying that Fox was doing it with Robert Pattison, it covered an event that happened while BAG & Foxy were down in Santa Monica. Seems that the two had a knock down drag out fight which was so bad that neighbors called the cops on ’em. Not for the first time either. Apparently screaming matches are the norm for them, and the cops get flagged in by bystanders on a regular basis.

please don’t sue me, Tweaky – pussy footing around Foxy

Lainey also goes on to report that the pair are usually horrible to each other and to anyone with the misfortune to be near by. They also both get violent. What’s worse Lainey goes on to report that the pair are rail thin and have ‘food issues‘. A small salad is about as much as anyone has seen either of them choke down(They usually share the salad). Plus BAG is “rail thin“. Lainey doesn’t pussy foot through the whole article though. Towards the end she comes right to the point. She says that the pair have been observed ‘allegedly tweaking‘ (“allegedly” is blogspeak for “please don’t sue me” – “tweaky” is streetspeak for freaked out on meth). Now folks don’t tweak on pot. That’s more of a crack/crystal meth sort of thing. So is weight loss & baldness.

“I’m totally psyched about this bar code tattoo!” – Hollywood Supergirls in celebrity bondage

So this would explain the Fall of Megan Fox. Naturally everyone assumed that her career dried up for the usual reasons: big mouth, no talent, and looks already fucked up with too much plastic surgery. That’s a good theory except that it doesn’t explain every other working actress in Follywood struggling with similar issues (Thank God for Anne Hathawaythe AntiMegan. Her only weakness is Follywood sleazoids!). If they booted out every lunatic in Follywood then the Quaids would be on an asylum waiting list in Vancouver, and directors would be so hard up for warm bodies to stick in flicks that they’d be casting Kenneth Branagh in love scenes with Sir Ben Kinglsey.

crack is whack

So there had to be more to the story behind Fox’s Fall then a great big mouth going off unexpectedly like some kind of loose cannon. Sadly the drug story sounds like it has a ring of truth to it. If Meggers has taken to the crack, or worse – Whiteny Houston style, then her Follywood patrons may have fucked off and abandoned her distanced themselves from her. For one thing she’d have made herself unreliable (too consistent to be reliable, which is the worst kind of unreliable!). For another no one wants to be involved in her career when she goes off like a time bomb that thing comes to a head – remember Heath Ledger. It also adds some serious significance to Michael Bay’s comments about cutting Fox loose over an alarming weight loss.

tweak your life script baby

Now Fox may be a bitch not be the most likable gal in the business (though her shoot from the lip routine does have a certain charm). It would still be a shame if this were true. Though Foxy might be short on talent she does have an undeniable screen presence and charisma. So she has something to offer.That being said we can only hope that if the rumors are true then Foxy takes it upon herself to get it together and get her career back. Marylin Munroe might make a cool tattoo but she’s a lousy role model. Follywood casualty is also a crummy script to base your life on! Besides no one, not even Megan, deserves to play out their career Lindsay Lohan style in celebrity TV rehab!

wonder woman in rehab


Comeback kids

‘Wound modern, aged band-waggon.’

Yesterday’s post covered the sad strange tale of Randy and Evi Quaid. They are the former B List entertainers who ran afoul of a Hollywood business cult called the Starwhackers, and wound up having to run to Canada to seek political asylum, and to speak out freely on organized crime in Hollywood. It’s sounds funny when you put it that way. That’s probably why everyone laughed about it. Though people laughed, they couldn’t help paying attention. The tale just kept getting weirder with accusations that starwhackers in suits had killed Heath Ledger and others for the bottom line. They even produced a hit list of names like Britney Spears (currently being black mailed by her bodyguard) and Lindsay Lohan (currently being held against her will in rehab, but being charged with the bill for treatment!). People laughed, but we also believed Balloon Boy’s dad, and that chick who splashed her own face with acid outside Starbuck’s and then claimed a black woman attacked her.

running a shit treadmill – not literally, figuratively!

Since people didn’t believe a word of this, and since the Quaids kept on talking and talking and talking about it; their credibility kept tumbling farther and farther down the toilet. That’s bad since the Quaids allegedly owe a lot of money, and are gonna owe even more in legal fees. Randy last worked seriously in Brokeback Mountain, but turned around and sued the producers for a bigger piece of the action when the film did better than expected. Perhaps that’s when he first antagonized the Starwhackers. Short answer is that with nothing coming in and plenty going out Randy is gonna need some kind of good paying work lined up and soon. However with his current image troubles the only plausible line they could get into would be reality TV. “On The Lam” with Randy and Evi Quaid – think of it like Dog the Bounty Hunter but from the other side of the looking glass.

IN Hollywood you can recover from anything – even TV!

Still you can’t count anyone out. About 5 years or so ago Robert Downey Jr was considered a done deal. Like many troubled performers of today, Downey’s then substance issues left him unreliable and unemployable. This even though the talented actor had earned an Oscar nomination for his brilliant work in Chaplin. A brief stint on Alley McBeal didn’t help his creditability either; since for a former A List movie star to resort to TV is the equivalent of hitting the skids! “I sold the mansion, I asked friends for money, and God help me I even took some TV work!” – “Oh my! I had no idea that things were that bad!” Yet that was back in the days when Tom Cruise was the #1 action hero and Mel Gibson was Hollywood’s most beloved leading man. A lot can change in a relatively short time!

‘Burned, goddamned wonga-wonga’

Some times things don’t change in any time. In fact the remain more the same than ever and yet things turn out OK (a thought on tonight’s American elections?). This would be the case with Charlie Sheen. Now Sheen has had so many brushes with serious trouble that it’s a wonder how he managed to stay off of the Starwhackers’ celebrity hit lists. In fact far from being on nay hit lists Charlie is so waterproof that you’d think he made a deal with darkness or something.

bad trips and strange bedfellows

Charlie has had a long history of booze, pills, hookers loose women of ill fame, and brushes with the law. His split with ex Denise Richards was one of the ugliest that Hollywood had seen, and it’s seen some doozies! They have since made up but now Charlie has gone on to divorce his current Brooke Mueller. IN fact Charlie had violated his probation from a previous incident with Mueller (The Christmas Day Knife Fight) – with 8 days left – during his current misadventure.

laughing all the way to the nut house

That misadventure occurred while Sheen was out for a date with his ex and the two kids. Being Charlie Sheen he invited a hooker/porn star to meet him during this family time. Not that Charlie let the worlds collide in some seamy mess. He took the hooker to the Plaza Hotel for some fun time. Fun time included booze, drugs, a flip out, $7000 in damage to the hotel room, a trip in a police car, and a detention in a psych ward. Oh yeah, and he also violated his probation with 8 days left on the clock – as previously mentioned!

So you’d think that Charlie’s goose was nuked by now. Well if that’s what you’re thinking then you can stop. Charlie is out of the nut house, complete with supportive words of confidence from Denise RichardsCharlie’s one in a million, who makes 20 million a year!” What’s more he’s back on the set of his hit TV series Two and a Half Men!

winning the numbers game

Now if that sounds amazing then just stop to think about it. Last week, when Charlie’s personal life went into full tilt, his TV show registered a 13. 6 million viewers, which is an increase of 7% in that very important 18-49 male demographic! What does that statistical gobbledygook mean in plain English? Last year it meant $155.1 million in ad revenue for CBS, and it also made Charlie Sheen the highest paid actor on TV.

Charlie has standards “I’m no Andy Dick!”

So as long as Charlie can keep the number up he can flip out as much as he likes. Just as long as no one gets hurt. Or if anyone does get hurt that they were asking for it. The industry does have standards, in a Dexter sort of way. I just hope that Randy & Evi Quaid can live with that. If they can then they might have a professional future. If they can really get with it then they could have a professional future well after their personal future runs out! That’s fame for ya baby!

BTW anyone really can make a come back in Hollywood. Remember when Lynda Carter did Wonder Woman back in the 70’s? Well not only did Lynda make a tremendous comeback from alcoholism and scandal (her husband was implicated in the BCCI banking scandal back in the 80-‘s along with his law partner Clark Clifford. Some of you might have heard of that guy but to brief the rest, he was the guy who ran the Democratic Party back in the days when Sen Joseph Kennedy used to call him “sir”), but Wonder Woman is poised to make a come back too.

Over 30 years since a live action Wonder Woman series first came to TV producer David E Kelley – creator of Ally McBeal (Calista Flockhart owes him so much; she wouldn’t have Harrison Ford without him!) plans to bring the comic book warrior princess back tot he small screen. He announced the intention a few months back. Now there’s even a name associated with the part – Tanit Pheoenix. She’s a South African model that isn’t half bad looking, but no Wonder Woman. Never mind, the rumours help build interest in the project. While it gains more and more support Kelley can go on to find some one better suited to the part, like Julia Voth!


When Bunnies Attack

Bunny Bummer

https://i2.wp.com/images.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/2010920//300.victoria.cm.102010.jpgAt 66 Angela Dorian has had a long and varied career int he entertainment industry. You may remember her from bit parts and guest roles on series like Hogan’s Heroes, Star Trek, Perry Mason and Bonanza. She was also in Rosemary’s Baby (man the RB curse has claimed so many!). She perhaps best known as a former Playboy Bunny.

It’s been a while since Dorian the Bunny has been anything like a celebrity, but that doesn’t mean that she still doesn’t have it in her! For one thing she ain’t some blue haired granny playing bingo and settling into a Momma’s Family existence of crusty impatience and falling stockings. This broad has still got herself a man! More than that she still got what it takes to keep him in line too. Maybe she’s even got a bit too much!

By a bit too much I mean that Dorian went from laying down the lay to facing the music herself. On Saturday at about 7PM it became evident that Dorian was a bad bunny when she got hauled off to jail for shooting her unnamed boyfriend. That poor man wound up with a hole in his chest that crafty Dorian – that wascally wabbit! – claimed was put there by drug dealers.

However it later emerged that drug dealer had nothing to do with it. Dorian herself had shot the hapless man. That lead to a charge of attempted murder, and a million dollar bail. It also lead to her being incarcerated in Century Regional Detention Facility, in Lynnewood. That’s housed such hi profile ne’er do wells as Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie. So after a long hiatus from fame it looks like Dorian has finally made it into the winner’s circle and the exalted company therein! It just goes to show that it’s never to late, if you’ve still got some life in you! Naturally Dorian has pleaded not guilty.


Paltrow & Hudson bitch about Hollywood

Gwenyth Paltrow and Kate Hudson have given interviews to November’s issue of Elle Magazine in which they talk about the down side of being a major Hollywood movie star. Now you’d think that they had it made, however the girls want to remind you that it’s not all getting dumped by Brad Pitt and getting snapped in embarrassing situations by paparazzi. In fact according to Paltrow some of the most embarrassing situations occur when there isn’t a paparazzi around.

According to Paltrow she was just starting out in the business and eager to make a good impression. Now they say that being over eager is a bad thing. In this case the director who was interviewing Paltrow picked up on her desperation and decided he good use that. According to Paltrow he propositioned her. According to Paltrow:

“When I was just starting out, someone suggested that we finish a meeting in the bedroom,” she reveals. “I left. I was pretty shocked. I could see how someone who didn’t know better might worry, ‘My career will be ruined if I don’t give this guy a blow job!'”

It’s good that Paltrow ‘knew better’. You should only blow some one for love, not for career advancement! However Paltrow goes on to point out that there are worse things that can befall you in Hollywood, like growing old. Then the boys don’t ask for blow jobs anymore. Says Gwennie:

“There’s a lot that’s okay, but there’s little that’s really good, especially for someone my age,” she says. “Sometimes you find out that something you really liked is going to someone 10 years younger. I find it heartening that Meryl Streep and Sandra Bullock have been able to find and create amazing projects.”

It could be worse. the moderately cute and, moderation talented Kate Hudson talks about the upside downside of having a famous mother:

“Apart from the fact that she’s my mother, she’s a brilliant comedian and a force as a producer,” she says. “She paved the way for women to produce and star in their own films and to balance that with being the matriarch of our family is really inspiring.”

She just sounds like she’s choking on her resentment. It must be so rough having everything handed to you (it’s certainly rough when everyone else in the world knows that.). Poor Kate, she had to miss out on the character building experiences of giving stranger directors blow jobs. However that doesn’t stop her from agreeing with Paltrow on one point – in Hollywood gals get the short end of the stick, one way or another:

“tend to be dispensable. I have faith that we can make female-driven films that are as interesting to men as they are to women.”

So those ladies sound pretty sore about their red carpet ride. Hillary Swank was also interviewed and managed to come up with some complaints, though hers were more low key. Swank complains that she felt let down after Million Dollar Baby because her other roles weren’t as successful. I’m not sure that less pissed off translates into more grateful, but it was a change at least.

If you want to hear more regrets about lives misspent, then check out the upcoming issue of Elle Magazine.

PS this article is not in any way shape or form a promo for Elle Magazine, though I’m receiving many unrelated promotional deals from them ;).

For some more news that you need to hear, here’s the View From Space with Gary The Spaceman Bell.



Don’t call me fucking Joey!

everything old is loud again!

So what’s it like to be a famous actor, and a cast member of one of televisions most beloved sit coms? What MASH was for baby boomers Friends was for Gen X’ers – though without the political protest, idealism, of pretense of concern with anything out side or beyond one’s own limited existence and confined social circle (Still it was a very good show, MASH I mean). Now if Matt LeBlanc wasn’t the Alan Alda of the show – that honor goes unquestionably to Jennifer Ansiton, he was certainly the Wayne Rogers, or perhaps even MacLean Stevenson (BTW that makes Courtney Cox the Hotlips, Daivd Schwimmer is Frank Burns, and Matthew Perry – wait a minute maybe Perry is Alda and Aniston is more of a Mike Farrell…). The point is that he was no Gary Burghoff – that’s Lisa Kudrow’s role! Yet that’s exactly what the entertainment media is making him out to be. Naturally LeBlanc is pissed!

How pissed? Well Matt was over in Merry Ole England recently to give an interview to the UK Mirror (the Mirror is one of those fishwrappers frequently involved in multi million dollar libel cases, when they’re not paying a small fortune to some prostitute to tell them how long David Beckham’s dick is – so they kind of serve as an inspiration for online gossip bloggers!) . Matt however wasn’t so merry. While sitting down for the interview LeBlanc accidentally knocked over a glass of water. The reporter naturally assumed that LeBlanc was referencing his lovably thick Friends character and blurted “You all right, Joey? How YOU do-in?” The paper should’ve sent some one along who was experienced enough to know that you don’t say things like that to a former somebody. I guess they just didn’t think Joey was worth the consideration.

Joey LeBlanc thought that it was worth consideration. He considered it enough at the time to blow his stack over it. By blow his stack I mean that he said “I’m not Joey. Don’t you dare call me Joey. The papers say I’m finished, so don’t call me f**king Joey. I want to leave that all behind. I’m moving on.” Just in case the reporter didn’t catch that Joey went on “I’m not Joey. For the last time. I’m not f**king Joey. It’s Matt. Matt LeBlanc. Joey’s in the past. I’m trying to do something new.”

Now that’s not what Joey usually says. Joey usually tries to make the best of it by telling people what they want to hear. Things like “If people really believe me as that character, I have done my job. I don’t look on it as a negative thing. I take it as a compliment.“, which got brought up In a recent interview.

Now if that’s eating shit and calling it sugar, then it’s only because the man is a consummate professional. Kind of the way Lynda Carter was – during her drinking period – whenever some owner from one of the thousands of online Wonder Woman fans sites would call her up for some comments to add to his latest podcast. If Lynda was 3 sheets to the wind at the time she might be heard getting impatient, and even showing some low key sarcasm -“Oh yeah, good ole Wonder Woman. We gotta keep ole Wonder Woman kicking – woo hooo!

Also you have to consider the strain that Joey is under recently. His last show was the short lived Friends spin off Joey which didn’t make 13 episodes. His new project is a freak show called Matt LeBlanc where Joey plays a character called Matt LeBlanc that isn’t the real Matt LeBlanc, but based on public perceptions about who LeBlanc is. So there’s probably way too much Joey in there. Also it might mess with Joey’s sense of reality – that’s tenuous in actors at the best of times. More over actors, unlike regular folk, don’t find the best in themselves during adversity.

So perhaps Joey thought he was in character like Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman a year back; and again a couple of nights ago. Or even like William Shatner on Saturday Night Live when he told the nerds to “get a life“. Now if they’d listened to that there’d never have been a comic con 2010! Everyone knew Capt. Kirk didn’t mean it – if people got a life than no one would watch TV and movies!

It was the same kind of sly self parody (on Joey’s part) that has made William Shatner once again a household name to a generation of people to young to remember Star Trek as anything but a reference for the Next Generation Movies and Deep Space: Voyager – “7 of 9, summon the Bjork!” JOey has been around long enough to know that no matter how hopeless associated with a role you have become there is an eventual chance to get past it by owning it through self referential culturally relevant parody. Just like Betty White! Unless you’re Gary Coleman. So pipe down Joey, you’ll be just fine in 15 to 25 years!


Lindsay Lohan: On the Bubble, Again

repeat offender

What in the fuck is wrong with Lindsay Lohan?” That’s what the celebrity gossip world is asking after the young actress flunked yet another court mandated drug test. Since last night’s wondertrash post, the exact substance of concern has been made known and it is none other than cocaine. Lindsay herself admitted this via Twitter. She made a brief 140 character statement owning up to her latest misdeed. In addition to admitting that she was on coke, she also owned up to having a problem. Now that’s not saying much; and admitting the obvious may merely be an attempt to preserve some credibility after all other options have been exhausted.

A little Michael Lohan goes a long way

That brings us back to the question of Lindsay’s problem. Her father Michael, as usual, has an opinion. He claims that if he’d been in her life after her release from jail/rehab, none of this ever would have happened. That raises another good question; ‘where the hell was he?‘ not only post release, but in the half dozen or so years previous. The short answer to that is in and out of jail on various charges from fraud to assault. On second thought less of Michael Lohan might be better than more.

go to your room!

There’s also the opinion that since the courts have been notoriously easy on Lindsay, she’s got no motivation to straighten out. These DUI related charges have been getting recycled through the legal system for years now – ever since Lindsay first started going off the rails circa 2007. Back then she smashed up several luxury sedans and pricey cars – 3 in a matter of months – before finally getting nailed. That got dismissed pending her completion of some court ordered self help work. Lindsay either did the minimum required, or skipped completely, so that she was required to appear before court again and again, for more stern talking to’s. No matter how many times she was told to go and think about what she’d done, she never got around to changing her ways.

a bad case of celebrity personality disorder?

Finally there’s the expert opinion, from celebrity observer Will Lee. In discussion with ABC News he hits on something that wondertrash regulars will have known all along. Let’s call it the obvious. According to Mr. Lee, Lindsay problem is that she’s an actress, and they’re a fucked up breed. Worse for Lohan she’s been an actress since childhood (which is better at least than being born one like poor Drew Barrymore). That’s a serious condition, similar to Cameron Douglas style pre adolescent drug addiction. In other words she became conditioned to a life of play acting and make believe.

blame Hollywood

Added to the general lose of touch with reality is the Follywood milieu which not only supports but encourages a high degree of immaturity. As Mr Lee calls it ” A perpetual summer camp without adult supervision”. Follywood denizens are encouraged to live the dreams and take it to the limit, as far as their hearts desire. So the town ain’t in the business of telling people “no”. Here’s Mr Lee to describe the situation in his own words:

next role – Jerri Blank!

Mr. Lee seems to be a very articulate and insightful gentleman (he must be a wondertrash reader!). He covers the essential points too: errant father, enabling mother, lax legal system, Follywood lifestyle. So the simple answer is that there’s no simple answer to Ms Lohan’s woes. Or at least no one answer. It is safe to say that we will be hearing more from her, at least on Twitter if not in a professional capacity!

Starbucks once again safe for the beautiful people!

Speaking of outrages against justice, remember that chick who got doused with acid outside a Vancouver Washington Starbucks? To refresh your memory she was the one who said that a black woman did it. That incident provoked an outpouring of sympathy, and no shortage of racists comments on youtube. It turns out that the whole thing was a hoax. No the woman’s face really was damaged with acid, however there was no black woman involved. It turns out that she did it to herself! What could have been her motivation? Here now are some of the usual professional commentators to speculate on the motive to her madness.


A black person did it!” White folks always fall for that line. BTW regarding the many spelling, grammatical, and syntactical errors on this blog – black computer hackers. A whole gang of them! It’s a pack of Steve Urkels abusing their computer skills to mess up my blog and undermine my credibility!


Is it worth it?

the fame problem


These days everyone seems to want their 15 minutes of fame. As Bart Simpson said, when Milhouse wanted to chuck his role as Fall Out Boy in the Radioactiveman film, “It’s the duty of every patriotic American to want to be a movie star!” This strange form pf patriotism persists despite the ever growing number of cautionary tales in the from of fallen stars and disgraced celebrities – many of whom have been covered on this very site. Even though the Mel Gibsons, Gary Colemans, Tiger Woods, and countless others have crashed and burned in front of an international audience, others seem willing, and even eager to pay a terrible price to take their place. They seem heedless to the pitfalls of ego tripping and glory hounding.

Slumdog America – sad sequel to success

What are the pit falls? Well you might get e brief taste of glory, and then have it yanked away from you. While you doggedly chase the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you might have to do many embarrassing things for the sake of chasing that dream. Worse still you might have to do these things in front of gawkers who ask you all kinds of humiliating questions like “What the fuck happened to you?” Take the case of the Slumdog Millionaire actress who couldn’t walk away from the rat race gracefully, but went on to sell flowers on the street. That’s bad enough, but what happens when some paparazzi recognize her and put her on the spot? Now this situation isn’t hypothetical, and worse, got recorded on video!

That was so bad, still the paps got to the crucial question “What happened?” In show business shit happens – it’s the nature of the business.

George goes Wham, again

It doesn’t just hit also rans either. It can claim established winners too. Back in the day George Michael was one of the biggest names in the business. Lady Diana was in love with him, despite the rumors about his homosexuality. He had string of hits, and established himself as a producer par excellence. Then he started getting old, lonely, and irrelevant. That’s when he started drugging. Now Michael wasn’t discrete in his substance use. He’d get stoned, hop into his car, and then hit something – usually after falling asleep at the wheel.

Naturally this state of affairs couldn’t be tolerated for long, even from a celebrity. So the law caught up with the former WHAM front man, and he had to face the music. That resulted in a recent trial in which Michael was sentenced to 6 weeks in prison. When Michael got the bad news he broke down in tears. Sons of bitches like the paparazzi were there to record the sad sorry seen, and other assholes such as myself were quick to repeat the story over the Internet. On that note here’s the video coverage of GM.

It’s important to always wear sunglasses when you’ve got it made: it’s a way of getting attention by trying to go unrecognized, plus no one can see the tears when you smile for the cameras!

So fame isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. Even if you manage to grab and hang onto some attention, you might be unemployable. After OJ Simpson’s fall from grace everyone could cash in on him except him. He finally got busted over some sports memorabilia he was trying to sell through a friend who was trying to rip him off. When some other friends convinced him to take a stand on that – it wound up with OJ brandishing a gun in a motel room as the Vegas cops ruched to the scene. They bagged big game that day, in the form of the one that got away.

Your personal tragedies might become common knowledge to. The National Enquirer made a meal out of Annette Funicello’s struggle with MS. Sometimes you might even collaborate in your own exploitation. That’s what some suspect of the White House Gate Crasher and Real Washington House Wife who recently announced that she has MS.

Surely no one could be far gone enough to get a serious diagnosis and start wondering how they could use it. Some might question whether she’s really sick. Most celebrities are sick, but not in that way.

Catcher in the Rye or Scarecrow on the tracks?

So fame really is a dirty dangerous business. It’s chewed up and spit out many over the years. My hope in writing Wondertrash is that maybe one aspiring celeb out there will read this, think twice, and turn back to mundane reality. Perhaps that makes me more of a scarecrow than a Catcher in the Rye. Still, asking yourself “Is it worth it?” before it goes too far is a good idea. At least while there’s still time to jump off the train. Once it reaches break neck speed, you’re stuck on that ride.

Success may not be what it’s cracked up to be, especially as currently narrowly defined. In fact I briefly toyed with the idea of starting another organization called PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Actors. It wouldn’t work, since unlike animals, actors insist on being exploited.

gambling on divas

It not only costs celebrities, but those who exploit them. As celebs come undone the closer the come to ultimate success, studios and corp. are faced with having to replace valuable assets – in whom much has been invested. A multi million dollar project can be deep sixed if a key man goes Kayne or Chris Brown during production. Imagine casting Russell Crowe in a studio blockbuster, then investing millions in promotion, talking backing out of your corporate superiors, staking your personally reputation as a director or producer on the out come, only to have Russ, or whomever, go nuts and smack some one in public days before the premier. He goes down the tubes and takes you with him!

That raises the question about the future of fame. It maybe be why indie films are getting big. Low investment, minimal over head, with potential major pay off! It’s also why networks are going 24/7 reality TV. For Survivor (still around) you only have to assemble a cast of ambitious unknowns and drop them some where. Only the winner gets the million. So that beats paying the cast of Friends 20 million a year each. Every body wins, except for all the ones who lost. The winner might go Richard Hatch – but that’s his problem.

my modest proposal

There’s another novel solution. Michael Bay got very close in Transfomers (Bay could’ve sacked the actors, kept the robots, and the flick might’ve done at least as well), and James Cameron got even closer in Avatar. It’s not 3D (leave it to the rest of the industry to miss the point), but using computer simulated animation. Yes, digital celebrity might be the future of fame. Think about it; the messy human factor is eliminated from the bottom line equation. There would be no melt downs, & no fuck ups. Computer sims potentially look better than real actors, they don’t age, don’t get messy plastic surgery, & don’t have agents cause they don’t get paid. Plus you can turn them off! Sounds like an ideal solution!

Now that did come off as a little stiff and mechanical, but so do many pro actors. Plus tech development is increasing geometrically. so in a few years there will be no distinguishable difference between the performance of a robot, and a flesh and blood performer like Megan Fox! Of course it might puts rehabs out of business. Then again rehabs failed to teach celebs an important lesson: there is no fulfillment outside one’s self.

“You’re ready for the bigtime – once we fix your hair and get rid of the cornball costume, you’ll have it made!”

is the fast lane a short cut to skid row?

There’s no word yet on whether celebrities are going ot be replaced with robots. It would fit with the automation trend – using machines to do work too hazardous for humans. However if it happens, hopefully it will be covered right here. Wondertrash is your total celebrity source, covering the high life from the red carpet all the way to the gutter!

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