Gossip Overload – subconscious celebrities

Britney Spears  cheesed off fans out in Vancouver by walking off stage after only 3 songs. She did leave concert goers with some sage words of advice “Don’t smoke weed“. Britney is only one celebrity giving frightening new emphasis to the old 80’s anti drug slogan. Billie Bob Thornton recently flipped out on Jian Ghomeshi’s CBC radio Q program. Apparently Billie Bob got offended when Ghomeshi called him and actor. I don’t blame him – that’s a hell of a thing to be. Now that Billie Bob has found honest work, by way of a music career, he wants to distance himself from his sleazy Hollywood past.

enraged and confused
In addition to being outraged, Billie Bubba did seem a bit vague in the interview. His responses made it seem as if he had no clear idea what was being talked about. That might have some wondering whether he’s taking hits off of the meth pipe Ian Undercover suspects Angelina Jolie of using. 
Celebrity terrorism – An IOU from IUC for the FBI?
Even though Angelina has a well known past as a freak – she was into the drug (heroin) and SM sex scene in NYC – her dwindling legion of loyal fans are loath to believe that anything remotely resembling a crack pipe has ever passed between her bloated lips. Merely repeating Mr Undercover’s innuendo got me labeled as an ‘entertainment terrorist’ over at The Insider. Brangeloonie posters claimed that I should be sued for second hand libel, and some even claimed that they were gonna involve the FBI! 
crazy girl has crazy explantion
These ugly meth rumours started when Jolie collapsed on the set of Salt. Girl Interrupted has only herself to blame for the suspicions. Apart from basing her whole public persona on being a head case that would do anything, or anyone (if ex Billie Bob is any indication) once, she also came up with a likely story to explain her sudden attack of the vapours. Jolie claimed that the fainting spell was caused by being on a strict liquid diet. She’s trying to drop 21 pounds in order to look more like a man! If you buy that then there’s this ponzi scheme I want you to invest in.
Waldorf Hysteria
Now the National Enquirer has a more plausible explanation for Jolie’s temporary lapse of consciousness. According to the NE Jolie is taking time out from her kids and Brad Pitt to concentrate more on herself – just like Lindsay Lohan! When Jolie is not falling over like a narcoleptic on the Salt set, she’s working out like a gym demon at Equinox – conveniently located the Waldorf Astoria – site of her new temporary digs. I say convenient because when she’s finished running her bony little legs on the tread mill she only has enough steam left to haul her emaciated carcass into bed.
Pitt in the pits?
With Jolie either at full speed or unconscious that leaves Brad Pitt tending to her menagerie. According to the NE Pitt has to do the nursery school drop offs and pick ups. He also has to help out with the care and feeding of the brood that Angie has, perhaps thoughtlessly, assembled.  He also likes to keep the older ones entertained. 
Pitt is pissed
The result is that Pitt is getting pissed with the missus. They could talk it out between steamy sex session, like in the old days, except that Jolie is only intermittently conscious now. So Brad has taken to sleeping on the couch, at least according to the NE. They also imply that Pitt plans to claim custody of all 6 kids, in the event of a bust up, which is already looking more likely. If Pitt gets the kids, maybe Jamie Spears could get Jolie. Celebrity conservatorship has to be a potential growth industry!
Cheap shot of the day: If Avril Lavinge keeps getting hammered then people are gonna have to start calling her Anvil Lavinge – get it, get it??
Mocksure educational content: So where did our obsession with fame come from? Perhaps from Sigmund Freud by way of his nephew, the guy who invented public relations. He found that by taking Freud’s theories, and turning them into cheap publicity stunts, he could make a pile of money. America has never been the same.
The best part about manipulating unconscious urges is that the suckers don’t know what hit ’em!
Bogus Zen: Have acceptance instead of passion. Remember that if you don’t have desires (or fears), then you can’t be manipulated. Bogus zen makes you immunized to advertising, and may even make you a reformed consumer!

Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

Lohan – Ronson Over

Looks like the Lindsay Lohan Samantha Ronson fiasco is officially over. Reports are that Ronson has kicked Lindsay out, and changed the locks on her door. What more Ronson is apparently trying to taunt Lindsay by posting the following picture via Twitter. It’s a cake with Lohan’s favourite frosting!
That’s the way the cookie crumbles, except the cookie is cake
Perhaps it’s a sarcastic reference to those 1 year cakes they give out at AA? What’s more Ronson is believed to have gone so far as to have changed the locks on her doors. She has even banned Lohan from her DJing events, like the recent gig she did for her designer sister Charlotte. Charlote Ronson wanted to get her new JC Penney line off with a bang and so held a party at Chateau Marmont. Sam was playing, and left word that Lohan was not to be allowed in. Lohan showed up, and when she realized she was barred made a major stink about it. It took 5 bouncers to keep her out!
Drugs & lesbian sex: not as glamourous as you think
Red hot lesbian sex has provided Lohan with the longest lasting relationship in her adult life. However Lohan seemed to be too much of a handful. In the two years they’ve been together Ronson has lost weight, be admitted to hospital, lost DJ gigs (clients were afraid that their insurance would’nt cover Lohan related flip outs like wild brawls or cars being driven through their front windows), and has seldom been out of the lime light. To put it bluntly Lohan was to Ronson what Heather Mills was to Paul McCartney – a pain in the ass and more trouble than she was worth. It seems like celebrities are determined to take the glamour out of illicet drug use! Must they spoil everything they touch?
I can’t say that I’m completely surprised. After Hollywood issued an employment ban on Lohan Ronson became ‘any port in a storm’. Ronson kept Lohan in the high style to which she is accustomed: boozed out with her nosed powdered. She was really biting into Sam’s back account too. Rumours were than Lohan was staking a big bite out of Ronson’s bank account. Friends of the DJ say she wasn’t thrilled out picking up the tab. Then there was all Lohan related damage, like the recent St Patrick’s Day flip out when Lohan wrecked Ronson’s pad, busted windows, and went so wild that the cops were called out. 6 officers showed up apparently loaded for big game.
However Lohan recently found gainful employment again. She has gotten some kind of modelling gig. She celebrated by acquiring a new Maserati, which got dinged within 24 hours. Lohan claims it was like that when she got it, though with Lindsay anything is possible. She has had some bad luck with cars.
Sam Ronson – scared straight?
The important thing is that she’s working again, and financially independent. She’s earning her own money and can afford her own coke. So she doesn’t really need Ronson anymore. It would be understandable if she took advantage of their latest quarrel to end the relationship. Ronson is probably better off. We can just hope that this whole ordeal hasn’t turned her off of chicks or anything.
We can’t be too hard on Lohan. Drugs are a major part of the Hollywood scene. For instance poor old Redmond O Neal has gotten busted again for crystal meth, and with his mother Farrah Fawcett perhaps only days away from death. He was arrested last Saturday, and was released on 25 000 bail. I hope he`s worth it `cause it`s been a while since his dad has had a career or anything. Ryan needs that money for his own habit! Meanwhile Amy Winehouse has taken to smoking banana peals, if rumours are to be believed. Banana peals contain a mild hallucinogenic, but no one has actually smoked them since the 60`s. Remember Donovan`s Mellow Yellow hit? It seems that celebrities are determined to take the glamour out of illicit drug use. Must they spoil everything they touch?
Never fear L’il Lohan, ’cause when things are rotten I find a merry little tune can brighten things up. With that in mind here’s a special Mocksure video dedication to the love lorn Ms Lohan, the theme of forgotten TV comedy and Mel Brooks Robin Hood spoof When Things Were Rotten, sung in German. German is truly the language of Komedy!
Coming soon to Mocksure – Did Mischa Barton break up Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin?

Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

OJ’s ex preggo by another man!

With each passing day you become more malleable.

There’s more trouble for OJ Simpson. Now there’s been nothing but trouble for the juice ever since June of 1994, when he was suspected of killing his ex wife Nicole Brown Simpson, and her alleged lover Ron Goldman. The pair were found brutally murdered in a slasher type killing. OJ was singled out as the most likely suspect, and that led to a lurid media spectacle that hasn’t yet ended.
You will find happiness, then lose it again, then find that you’ve lost it.
Now OJ cheesed off the entire American public by getting away with it. He assembled a dream team of legal heavy artillery, and then sat back quietly smirking in the court room while his mouth pieces talked him out of a jail sentence.People felt cheated out of seeing him get his just desserts. So even though the juice got off, he was more or less a marked man.
Do not trust anyone over thirty or under thirty-one.
Chapter 2 was when Ron Goldman took OJ to civil court and won a 33 mill settlement. They Juice lost everything except his NFL pension. That’s a healthy 250 000 a year so OJ still had the where with all to live the high life. He traveled around the country antagonizing folks by showing his face in public, often on golf courses. he found some female companionship, too.
You should not have come here, young one.
The most recent OJ companion was former beautician/cocktail waitress Chris Prody. They enjoyed a colourful relationship in which the Juice was suspected of regularly dishing out physical abuse, and Prody was suspected of being continuously drunk In fact Prody first made the tabs after a viscous Superbowl weekend spat. Apparently she distracted OJ at some crucial point and rumours were that it lead to a physical altercation. An incident the following day seemed to back this up. Chris was at a near by gas station filling up her car when she passed out at the pump. Speculation was that she was suffering some kind of post Superbowl OJ related concussion. As it turned out she was only drunk out of her head.
Trust your enemies, not your friends, for some reason.
While OJ might not have punched Prody out, he is volatile; as events would prove. OJ’s next misadventure was down in Vegas, when he stormed a hotel room trying to reclaimed some sports memorabilia. Money was getting hard to some by, and since it was valuable, and had been taken from him illegally (says OJ) he wanted it back. OJ was willing to use any means necessary. That lead to a stand off with guns, and unfortunately for OJ, hidden tape recorders (The guns and the tape recorder were provided by OJ’s trusted friend. He apparently was also the one who talked OJ into the heist). When this case came to court the law finally had Simpson dead to rights. He got put away for a long time.
You have an acceptable sense of direction.
That brings us to the latest installment of the OJ Simpson story. Seems OJ’s incarceration has put a strain on his Prody relationship. Especially since Prody is now pregnant – but not by Simpson! Seems that when Simpson got sent up Prody started having second thoughts. OJ tried to win her back, basically by repeatedly phoning her up and screaming at her. Strangely this had the opposite effect. In fact it drove Prody out of OJ’s residence, and right back to her home town of Fargo, North Dakota. Once back on her home turf Prody put the Juice behind her by taking up with a home town guy, and getting knocked up tout de suite, as the French say.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but the road to heaven is not yet paved due to a stalled ordinance.
Chris is pretty happy about these new developments too. Says Prody by way of a friend, “Being pregnant has given me a whole new outlook on life. I’m so happy. I can hardly wait to be a Mom!” OJ’s reaction is something that she will have to wait for. Her former lover isn’t due for parole until the year 2017. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
A suitable metaphor for your life is on the horizon.
Might OJ have avoided his sad fate? Well if he’d paid more attention to the signs, possibly. Oh yeah, and avoided killing people. His infamous killing spree has caused the phrases ‘going postal’ and ‘going ballistic’ to be replaced by ‘going OJ’. However if you don’t feel ready for anything so radical as non violence, here’s some fractured fortunes by way of the Weeklyworldnews to help you find you way.

  • Lady luck will visit you at work, but you will be in the middle of something.
  • You are a wise, fortunate person given to ordering more food from great Chinese restaurant.
  • With each passing day you become more malleable.
  • You will find happiness, then lose it again, then find that you’ve lost it.
  • Please sit down.  There is much to discuss.
  • You should not have come here, young one.
  • Do not trust anyone over thirty or under thirty-one.
  • You have an acceptable sense of direction.
  • The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but the road to heaven is not yet paved due to a stalled ordinance.
  • In bed.
  • A suitable metaphor for your life is on the horizon.
  • Do not make important decisions while skydiving.
  • Trust your enemies, not your friends, for some reason.
  • ‘Good things come in small boxes’ is an underused innuendo.
  • A suitable life metaphor is just what the world’s been waiting for. It would make a refreshing change from all those pop fiction cliches!

      • The bad guy is the foreigner.
      • Corollary: the foreigner is the guy who speaks English with an English accent
      • The bad guy also has a side-kick muscleman, who has some sort of trademark gimmick that he/she uses to eliminate opponents. You must kill or decomission this muscleman by forcing a backfiring of this trademarked gimmick. If the muscleman dispatched by a different method, he/she is not dead. (For that matter, don’t assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular. Beware sequels.)
      • No matter how dead you think you’ve killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least 3 more times. Therefore, always make sure to leave his gun in or near his hand after you’ve killed him and you turn away to comfort the girl.
      • When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn’t, a friend will finish the villain off.
      • The bad guy usually kills his henchman for failing, yet don’t seem to run out of loyal henchmen.
      • Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning.
      • You can kill the bad guy by taking careful note of any object that the camera has lingered on for an unnecessarly length of time; typically this is something like a meathook or a jagged bit of glass. You will be involved in a mighty struggle, and at the appropriate time you can become inspired (usually by either an insult from the bad guy or a look of faith from your love interest) with strength enough to force the bad guy into/onto/under/in front of the aforementioned object. Actor’s Equity (Hollywood) requires that within 15 seconds either side of the bad guy’s demise, you utter your trademark phrase.
      • Whenever a villian has captured the hero, he will pause for 5 minutes to tell the hero _every_ detail of his plan to destroy and/or rule the earth, including times, dates, and addresses.
      • The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few meglomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent’s downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt.
      • The bad guy, instead of simply offing the captured good guy on the spot, will devise some sort of drawn-out, fiendishly clever method of execution that will take enough time to allow the good guy to figure out his escape.
      • When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn’t, a friend will finish the villain off.
      • You can always tell which nationality the United States and the popular media are currently most unhappy with because that nation sends all their villains to star in Hollywood movies during those times (e.g. Germans in the late 40’s and 50’s, Asians in the 60’s and 70’s, Soviets in the 70’s and 80’s and Middle Easterners in the 90’s).
    Brash, flash, & totally trash!

    Bogus Zen: Hero Complex
    “When you enjoy something, you must never let logic get too much in the way. Like the villains in all the James Bond movies. Whenever Bond breaks into the complex: ‘Ah, Mr. Bond, welcome, come in. Let me show you my entire evil plan and then put you in a death machine that doesn’t work’.”

                                        — Jerry Seinfeld, “Sein Language”

    Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

    Nadya Octomom Suleman’s Stripper Past!

    The Nadya Suleman story continues to unfold with bizarre new twists and turns – so to speak. After a former acquaintance claimed that she and Octomom performed a stripper act together for two years, the controversial mother of 14 felt she had to some forward and set the record straight.
    Nadya comes clean – ‘I can explain’
    By her own admission Nadya was a stripper, or as she prefers to call it ‘a topless exotic dancer’. However she wants the public to know that it’s not as bad as jealous former colleagues are making it out. Nadya reveals, with plenty of mitigating spin, that she was only 19. It was an impressionable and experimental time in her life. It started innocently enough with a lingerie contest!
    It was very sweet and innocent, in a dirty sort of way
    Now everyone can understand the need to feel some pride in our appearance. Most of us accomplish this through exercise, grooming, diet, personal hygiene, and a thoughtfully selected wardrobe. Nadya attempted to boost her self esteem by parading around in her undies. If you’ve been paying attention to the story so far you know that Nadya has her own way of doing things.
    performance enhancing nudity
    Nadya quite proudly reveals that she came in second. The girl who won, Nadya states, only beat her by performing “some disgusting lesbian act” that Nadya “could never do“. I guess that’s Nadya’s way of denying the girl on girl act allegations, though it may not make any friends in the gay community. Never mind, she can handle that later. 
    Hey doc, what’s up?
    2nd place was good enough to get Octomom a job offer to perform in what she describes as a ‘gentleman’s club‘. Nadya makes it sound very up scale. Just to be clear these are the kind of gentlemen who like to stuff bills down ladies g stings, and may have a ‘rabbit fetish‘. Though flattered by the offer, and seriously considering it, she backed out after she realized the whole deal might not be so genteel. Nadya claims that when she noticed other topless exotic dancers giving clients lap dances, she was back out through the door like a shot! Just because they were gentlemen didn’t mean that Nadya was going to think of herself as anything less than a lady.
    A consummate, mad loony
    So where are we after hearing Nadya’s side off the story? Well she only admits to this after a former colleagues claims that they did a racy act together for 2 years (and performed at bachelor parties!). She makes a point of denying the worst of the allegations repeatedly through out her story – “I was merely an innocent girl who enjoyed taking her close of for nice men. Nothing kinky whatsoever!” She does however admit to being afraid that some photos from her experimental days might come to light. Perhaps this is why she’s owning up now. We’ve also learned that Octomom has some talent as an amateur spin doctor: “I was crazy; but crazy interesting, not crazy scary!” She has been following Angelina Jolie’s playbook! Oh yeah, and we know that Octomom sure like attention, and she’ll take it however she can get it!
    Speaking of rabbit fetishes, singer Andrea Corr first came to public attention playing a character called Sharon Rabbite (who thinks these names up?), in the film The Commitments. That was back in the early 90’s. By 2000 she was voted the world’s most beautiful woman, until ousted by Aishwarya Rai. In fairness to Ms Corr, Rai didn’t get the title by vote, but was proclaimed such by Julia Roberts. Andrea also toured with her brother and sisters in the popular singing group The Corrs. The Corrs split up and Andrea went onto a solo singing career, releasing an album called Ten Feet Tall. At 5’1″ we might assume that Ms Corr has some height issues.
    The album wasn’t really a chart buster. Andrea had deglammed her image, Perhaps she was tired of being seen as a pretty girl, and wanted to see if she could be taken seriously on her music alone. Questionable choice since the music industry is full of talented people who never become household names. Packaging counts!
    So what has Ms Corr been doing with herself lately? Well Corr fans will be happy to know that Ms Corr has scored big time. Her boyfriend Brett Desmond proposed to her on Christmas of last year. He layed a $100 000+ diamond ring on her while they were vacationing in the Bahamas. Now Bret can well afford lavish gifts and Caribbean vacations because his dad is billionaire Dermot Desmond. So it looks like little Andrea has bagged big game. This guy should be able to keep her in tin whistles for life! 

    Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

    Doing the splits in Cougar Country

    As sands through the hour glass??

    So what went wrong between John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston? According to the National Enquirer there was no one single issue that broke them up. It was a combination of factors. Factors like John’s wandering eye. Also there was his tendency to twitter about their love life. He also refused an invitation to move into her 15 mill Hollywood pad. Jen was disappointed that John hadn’t got around to proposing to her. Plus she felt that he was putting his career ahead of her desire to settle down and start up a family – now that’s ironic (I say it’s ironic because that was Brad Pitt’s complaint about her).
    Hollywood’s longest running soap opera
    Jen’s friends didn’t help the relationship. Courtney Cox in particular felt that Mayer was a dirt bag, a user, and a loser. She was constantly and strongly urging Jen to drop him. Now that’s a bit of a surprise because Jen has been a conspicuous 3rd wheel in her relationship to funny man David Arquette
    While Jen was in long term residence at Heartbreak Hotel  following her Pitt split, her only outings were with Cox and her husband. So observers might have suspected Cox would be relieved to have some time alone. However if even half of the rumours about Cox’s troubled marriage are true, then she was only too happy to have Jen around. The less one on one time she has with the old man, the less intense the situation is. So Jen got dragged in as a kind of buffer. 
    Plus Cox hasn’t completely given up on reviving her TV career (though the rest of the world seems to realize that ship has sailed already). She’s got some new venture planned called Cougar Country, or something, and being able to trot poor needy desperate Aniston out for occasional co star duty could come in handy. Nothing like a girl on girl kiss to temporally spark the rating of a dud TV project!
    The J Dog couldn’t stop wagging his tail at strangers
    The Cox – Aniston relationship is beginning to sound pathetically co dependent. Mayer did give Cox plenty of ammo to use against  him though. In his brief time with Jen he cheated on her at least three times: with a groupie, a cocktail waitress, and a promoter’s daughter. He can’t be blamed for the last one. It was probably strictly business. Pays to keep colleges happy. However there was a disturbing incident that got posted onto one of the gossip sites. That’s the one where Mayer made a creepy come on to a trio of young women after a performance. There were enough anatomical details to give the story a ring of truth. Then again everyone knows about Mayer’s mole.
    Moment of triumph…
    The thing is that they seemed so happy at the Oscars. Even in the run up John seemed excited. He bashed Brad Pitt on youtube. He publicly defended Jen on a few other occasions. Then when the happy day arrived, they reigned over the festivities like king and queen of the prom. John was finally realizing how big a deal Jen is. In fact he looked so giddy on awards night that he seemed about to wet the red carpet! The only thing that might have made the night complete for Aniston would have been if Angelina Jolie had been offered up as a human sacrifice; honey glazed and with an apple in her mouth!
    … and the morning after
    So what do you do for an encore? There was bound to be some kind of anti climax. According to some reports the morning after Mayer set off to lock himself in the studio, announcing “That’s it. Until the album’s done I’m invisible“. Aniston didn’t appreciate the cold shoulder. 
    There was also the fact that Jen expected a proposal on Valentine’s day, which never materialized. Stories in the tabs about Mayer picking out the biggest honking ring he could find must have only heightened her humiliation and disappointment. The only thing left to make a clean break was some time away. When Jen got back from promoting Marley & Me overseas, she phoned Mayer up with an abrupt announcement – “It’s over!” Now how much time is a 40 year old woman supposed to waste. There ain’t alot of time left on the meter!
    The soap opera continues by picking right up where it left off
    So now Jen has picked up and is moving forward. Her publicist is busy phoning around to Hollywood’s ambitious young up and comers; to see if there is anyone interested in making a smart career move.  Meanwhile Jen is rumoured to be spending money like it’s water. “It helps her forget” the usual unnamed sources explain. Courtney is pushing Cougar Country ahead full steam too. Perhaps she’s feels that it would be an even better vehicle for occasional Aniston guest spots! Mayer is picking up too. He’s talking about writing a tell all book about life with Aniston. He’s also running his mouth double time on Twitter. According to him he wasn’t fired, he quit. The final straw was when Jen called him Brad in a fit of sexual excitement! Now if that’s his idea of saving face then the lad had better go back to school! So it’s not a matter of what went wrong, but of nothing going right. Besides, I’m sure that Vince Vaughn’s recent engagement didn’t help the situation much!
    PS. Did Twitter bust up Mayer and Aniston? Well calling them Mayerston couldn’t have helped. Far from being cute, those combined names are down right irritating! At least they weren’t referred to as Johniffer! You can follow John Mayer’s continuing misadventures on Twitter @ JohnMayerTwit. Perezhilton is asking him for a translation even as I post!!
    Daily dharma:
    It’s not all DUI’s and dirty underwear at Mocksure. Let it not be said that we don’t also fill your heads with inflammatory conspiracy theories!
    I can’t say that we tell the truth here at Mocksure; we just blurt stuff out. If that’s not revolutionary, then at least it’s shocking poor taste!

    Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

    Katie Homes – surviving the process, so far

    “If you get too famous you will go straight to hell,” a Japanese Zen Master had warned… Zen hell is this world right here and now, in which you see life around you but can’t participate in it. You’re forever a stranger from your own life because there’s something in your life that holds you back. You see others bathing in the life all around them while you have to drink it through a straw, never getting enough.

    You would think that fame and fortune would bring a sense of closeness to other people, but quite the opposite happens. You split into two people, who they think you are and who you really are, and that produces the Zen hell. …
    ~ Robert Pirsig

    demanding perfectionist allows wife out of the house looking like shit

    Katie Holmes was once vibrant young woman. During her Dawson’s Creek days she was America’s Crush, and a sort of ladder day Valerie Bertinelli. Of course that was before love, and Scientology found her. Whether she and husband Tom Cruise are star crossed lovers or love crossed stars; his image took a beating in the collision, and so did her appearance! Tom had recognized the strong amazing woman with in the sweetness, and now was determined to bring that woman out, even if he killed her in the process.
    She wanted fame, she became half of America’s most bizarre celeb marriage – post modernism??
    We should’ve known what was in store when Tom made Katie run the New York Marathon. Amazingly she finished, and after cleaning herself up was off to some gala function that evening. She was seen grinning painfully like the other guests, so that you might never suspect she’d completed a 26 mile run that morning. An impressive achievement, but could the bionic woman keep up the pace.
    Do you love me for who I am? I love you enough never to let you settle for that!
    Well it appears that even the energizer bunny will eventually run out of juice. As Tom kept the pressure on Katie to never settle for being anything less than strong and amazing, America watched her wilt under the strain. She went from being an attractive and vibrant woman in her mid twenties to losing weight and looking aged. In fact poor Katie had begun to look so haggard that you’d think she were in preparation for a role as Nancy Reagan during the White House years!
    No one will hear you scream – Surviving purification and other amazing challenges!
    Odd stories began to emerge too – more odd than Katie having to wear a special birthing gag during delivery. There were rumours that Tom had her on strange Scientology purification regimes. Some were saying that she had to go days without solid food, subsisting only on L Ron Hubbard approved barley water and iodine mixtures. This was to rid her body of thetans and other unwanted contaminants both chemical and spiritual; and eventually to make her ready for the birth of space baby No 2. Observers feared that if Katie managed to survive purification, then she might not be strong and amazing enough to actually carry a baby. As Katie began to take on the appearance of a 50 year old the phrase “the operation was a success but he patient died” kept springing to mind.
    If he were deliberately trying to kill her then this would make more sense
    Well Katie watchers will be happy to know that things appear to have changed. Mrs Cruise has recently emerged in Japan at the side of her husband and looking unusually good. As a matter of fact she showed up at the Tokyo premier of Valkyrie looking almost healthy! What could’ve caused this shocking change? Was the purification paying off? Had Tom come to his senses and called off the 12 hour sauna and cup of gruel a day routine?
    The good news about purification is that there is a cure!
    Well something was paying off but it wasn’t purification. It has now been revealed that Katie geared up for the premier with a 2 day long, $75 000 intensive make over! According to the story Katie holed up in the Tokyo Ritz Carlton where a team of image experts gave her a thorough over haul. Her new thick shiny hair, a change from the dull lifeless bob we are used to seeing her with, is the result of $5000 hair extensions (harvested from the heads of virgin teens in the Philippines no doubt!). In addition there was a trip to the dentist for $50 000 veneers. Now that’s not quite a million dollar smile but in this challenging economic times close enough! Then there was 20 000 in spa treatments. Once Katie started to look remotely human again there was 3000 in premium make up, to cover the ravages of self improvement. once the process was complete Katie emerged looking astonishingly presentable!
    Passing inspection
    However a closer look at Ms Cruise reveal that she is not the fresh young flower that she once was. In fact she looks like a derelict house that has had a coat of shellac hastily slapped on to improve it’s appearance for an appraisal. The new windows and siding don’t really hide the signs of structural damage, and a foundation that has cracked. Once the premium make up is wiped of, the same dull eyed, slack jawed zombie we’ve come to know will be found still lurking timidly underneath. Tom has learned that by splashing out enough money he can temporarily undo some of the long term damage he has undoubtedly done to his wife. That’s shows some degree of awareness.
    She looks no worse than any celebrity!
    The question is: has he learned that if he has to spend $100 000 just to undo the effects of his even more expensive self development program, then the whole deal was probably a bad idea from the word go? Or will she go back on the spartan regiment of bilge water and steam baths once the cameras are pointed away, perhaps to get new aluminum siding in the unlikely event that Tom has another premier to drag her out for? Never underestimate the determination of a Thetan on a mission of mercy. If Tom had the sense to know when to quit then he’d have called off this whole sad sorry charade some time after the shit hit the fan on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Instead he’s played this out farther than any sane man and most lunatics would’ve dreamed of doing. In other words expect Katie to go back to looking like something the cat dragged in some time soon. At least Tom has confirmed America’s faith in the power of the make over – and they say no good has come out of Scientology! Still it could be worse. At least she’s not Mischa Barton, or Lisa Rinna.
    Daily dharma – To live for some future goal is shallow. It’s the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top.

    Robert M. Pirsig

    Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

    Marco Jaric – charges dropped

    The charges of sexually assault against Grizzlies point guard, and Adriana Lima husband Marco Jaric have been dropped. Philadelphia police say the claims were unsubstantiated. Now I hate to say “I told you so” but Mocksure is the only celebrity gossip blog that did. While the other sites were beating the same drum, it was Mocksure that brought up Alexandra Paressant and Tony Parker, by way of a possible parallel. X17 was also brought up, as an example of a hi profile gossip site that got the story wrong – persistently. Mocksure may not be big, we were just right!
    Twitter Twatter
    Much more in  the line of entertainment gossip, Defamer is reporting that with police and counsellors descending upon Lindsay Lohan (God bless her, God bless her-  what would we do without her?)  in some kind of full frontal intervention, the former actress and current lesbian has flipped out – on Twitter! Def received an anonymous letter from some one complaining about Lohan’s online antics in the wee hours of Saturday morning. It’s not the first time Lohan’s early morning iniquities have provoked irratation – but this time the issue was her rapid fire Twitter updating!
    The mystery e mailer claims that Lohan had some kind of online freak out – perhaps while under the influence. However their claims are backed up by the fact that they provided some interesting screen caps from Lohan’s locked twitter account – Sevinnyne! Then, to prove that they’re not just going all X17 on the word of some anonymous crack, they post those screen caps. Here they are!
    The mystery e mailer then goes on to draw attention to one she describes as among the craziest of among a pretty messed up bunch of tweets – “should you end it if the one person in the world fails to love, hold/comfort, apologize, and CHERISH you the night before jail? LIARS R COWARDS cuz they don’t know what they got til it is far gone. and people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE A-fucking-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! do not ever dj before calling if they
    Looks like there’s trouble in paradise. The gyst of it is that Sam went out DJing the night before the showdown – some one has to earn the bread in that relationship – and Lindsay took that as an excuse to go out and get wasted ‘with chicks who act like chicks‘.
    Now here’s were it gets interesting. Sevynnine has only 20 Twitter followers, included I assume Samantha Ronson here self. The account is locked, so you gotta be in the inner circle to have access to those tweets. That means one of those twenty people is the person emailing Defamer, and apparently trying to make trouble for Sam and Lindz! It should be an interesting Saint Patrick’s day as a desperate Lindsay works here way through the suspect list!  As if she didn’t have enough troubles!
    Girl most likely is a wanted woman!

    Freaky Friday
    BTW – the night before Lindsay online meltdown, the actress reputedly visited Jack Nicholson at something like 1:30 AM. Lindsay and her entourage showed up at Nicholson’s gate after a night at Chateau Marmount. They buzzed several times before Lindz was let in. She remained inside until approx 4:30, when a body guard showed up to take her back to Ronson’s pad. Sam Ronson showed up around noon, just in time for a major knock down drag out with Lohan, in which glass was hear breaking. The police eventually showed up.
    One final thing on Lohan, she’s starting to look like Alicia Silverstone in that top shot, She’d better get a grip on the booze and drugs while she can still get her original face back!
    Oh yeah, Lindz wasn’t the only young woman to go wild recently. A whole herd went berserk in NYC – the scene of the crime was America’s Next Top Model. Here’s the crowd scene video:
    I suppose this proves that within every normal man and woman is the heart of a celebrity, beating like a hammer and  just waiting to get out to create havoc!

    Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

    More Fall Out from Chris and Rihanna

    Everyone is still talking about Chris and Rihanna. Maybe it’s taking our minds off of the economy. With the DJ recently up over 300 points, and Bernie Madoff (the damage from his Ponzie scheme has been downgraded from 50 bill to 19 bill. It turns out that much of the unaccounted for funds were only paper assets. Besides the loss could be easily made up by Pres Obama’s recent 20 bill budget award to NASA. Nothing like a few launch delays to raise consciousness) facing the music even as I post, perhaps that will soon change. Speaking of music, Sean Puffy Combs was recently on Ellen to explain Twitter, and exactly what Chris Brown and Rihanna were doing in one of his luxurious mansions.
    Puffy on the hot seat
    Chris Brown becomes PR poison
    I really like and respect you and don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable but I will” – I think that she’s coming from a place of friendship and but really deep concern. I’d say ‘it’s been real’ but I’m still trying to figure out some of the gibberish that was bantered back and forth between them. I love the way Diddy seems to be thinking “I don’t wanna touch this hot potato with a ten foot poll“, and who would?
    Meanwhile the fall out on this story ain’t going away. Chris Brown, who was Billboard’s Artist of the Year in 08, has now had to back out of the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards. Though he was officially on the roster till he took his name off, there’s no word on whether he jumped or had a little push. Having an accused violent felon doesn’t really send out the right message to the kids. Besides that sort of thing shouldn’t be tolerated. Maybe we can find some young actress who problems are among the one that we do tolerate, like anorexia or substance abuse (in fairness Ms Lohan is still in exile, and making nice with Sam Ronson).
     Speaking of falling Brown’s most recent hit Forever was still at no 14 on the charts at the time of the assault. It dropped to 58 overnight. It is now currently off the charts. Some how knowing it was performed by a man who recently pounded the crap out of his girlfriend didn’t give it the same feel to listeners. To make matters worse T Pain’s Freeze, a duet performed with Brown, is getting voluntarily pulled from the air. T Pain is offering a alternate version with out Brown.
    The fall out is hitting Rihanna too. Many people can not understand why on Earth she would go back to the guy who brutally beat her. Well relationships can get very complicated. Like the current relationship between Rihanna and her fans. The supported her as the unquestioned victim in the piece, and Brown as the heavy. With her allegedly taking him back, they can’t help feeling hard done by – “Is this what we get for backing you up on this?” So now her image is taking a beating – so to speak. Many feel she is sending  the wrong message out to young women – that victim is their assigned role. Other wonder whether she’s quite so innocent. Did she freak Brown out by playing little head games? Others of us may just reflect that things cant’ so easily be divided up into heroes and villains, except in Saturday morning cartoons and blockbuster Hollywood superhero flicks. With Oprah about to devote her Thursday show to all the Rihannas of the world, it doesn’t appear that the story is getting any better.  Still, if Britney Spears has taught us anything it’s that we love a come back. America still is a sucker for hope.
    PS. Success has a short shelf life these days. The world giveth and the world taketh away – that’s the whole of the game. Think of how many junior Napoleons are siting in jail cells right now – like Lord Black of Crossharbour, Peter Pocklington, and Bernie Madoff. Chris Brown has seemed to get through in record time. It might have been nice if he had lasted until 25. Oh yeah and remember to watch Oprah special Rihanna show today. This one ought’a be good. Say what you will about Lady O, so far she’s avoided her Waterloo.

    Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

    week ender

    Madonna is a kind of an expert on sex. It’s been mentioned once or twice here on this blog that Madge the Vag doesn’t really do relationships well. Evidence of this is how deliriously happy her ex Guy Ritchie is to be away from her. Just look:
    Many have responded with surprise to the preceding pix, mentioning among other things that they didn’t recognize him at first, because he was smiling. Of course his exuberance may not be divorce related. Maybe one of those British football teams with the funny names won?
    MIA did not call her son Ickett. Furthermore she’s not gonna tell you what she did call him – there you see, you’ve hurt her feelings. Don’t worry MIA – it’s still not as bad as Apple.
    kids vs dogs
    Roger Daltrey has created some confusion in our cause conscious culture be declaring that you shouldn’t put dogs above sick kids. People seem unsure of whether he’s for kids or against dogs. Personally I’m not sure illness should be encouraged. Next things those kids will be “using their wheelchairs as a crutch”.
    good help is hard to find
    Nadya Suleman has lost another publicist. That last one jumped ship after getting death threats. This one – Victor Munoz – quit because Octomom “is nuts”. He claims that the arrangement failed for personal reasons. He also claims that the Suleman residence is a sort of madhouse where he had to do everything. I wonder what his first clue about the ‘nuts’ part was? Incidentally I hear that Octomom is shopping her birth tape around something fierce – asking price is 1 million.
    on again off again again
    Jennifer Aniston may or may not be pregnant, but Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are over again. That’s really a shame for her since she’s just not that funny.
    Madonna may have lost a husband but she’s gained a something. Not her boyfriend Jesus, but actress Sienna Miller. Madge is reaching out to her (Most women don’t trtust Sienna around their husbands but by coincidence Madonna no longer has one!). She also wants Miller to give daughter Lourdes some pointers on acting. My theory, Madge is trying to console herself – “It could worse worse. At least I’m not Sienna Miller“. How long do you think until Miller makes a play for Luz??
    Blake Civil Fielder is dating a 16 year old – take that Ron Wood.
    Angelina Jolie is feeling really depressed and needs some time alone with her brother James Haven. If she’s back with him then Brad Pitt can’t have much longer. Those of you who thought she’d go back to Billy Bob Thorton really were being naive.

    Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

    Vince Vaughn engaged to a gold digging tramp!

    Things are going great for Jennifer Aniston. The Oscars worked out fantastic. Giving John Mayer a taste of the limelight side of show biz seemed to show her exactly how big a deal she is. He was so excited at the Awards that I thought he was gonna wet the carpet for a minute, and expected some one to ask Jenn at any moment “Hey Aniston, you do have that guy toilet trained right??” Now there are even Ansiton pregnancy rumours floating around, and Jenn is so full of herself that she even has the confidence to start frightening the beJezuz out of Anne Hathaway! The gals had a little spat when protegee Anne unwittingly compared herself to Anston by saying that they both had bad taste in men. Though Jen has picked a few losers over the years, none of them have been jailed, or accused of trying to con the Pope – so Aniston shot back with a response that made Hathaway look like some kind of gangster moll who specialized in going anal for the Mafia (or as Anne allegedly put it “Feeling like a woman in that special way!“)!
    So that brings us up to speed with Jennifer Aniston, but what of her former partner in crime Vince Vaughn? Well Vaughn has bounced back too. Recent reports have him engaged to a charming young woman from Western Canada. The lady in question is real estate developer Kyla Weber. Her father has confirmed that happy news that’ yes his daughter is marrying a movie star, to the Montreal Gazzette, but he refused to make any further comments. No use in queering the deal before the names are even on the contract! We do know that Vince has been out to Calgary and has met the whole family, and Kyla has been to Chicago to meet Vince’s folks – who just love her!
    Now here’s the unofficial story – Kyla had been seriously seeing a guy from her home town of Okotoks Cal for about a year when she goes to LA to attend the wedding of a friend. Vaughn is there cause he knows the groom. Well Vaughn and Weber hit it off, and the next thing you know she’s telling her steady boyfriend to shove off and go for a flying leap. So it sounds like the girl is all heart, and decided that it was no time to get senimental/stupid when she could do better for herself.
    Better she did do too. Vaughn has already popped the question and laid a $125 000 4 carat diaimond and platnium ring on her. He even went down on one knee to propose – although I’m sure she would’ve if it had come to that. Word has it that the wedding is set to take place in either Hollywood or Alberta sometime soon (I’m guessing that Alberta was Vince’s idea – how sweet!), and that they’re ready to start a family pronto! 
    So it looks like this one is the bag! I’m sure that the Webers aren’t too concerned about the hurt feelings of Kyla’s ex and his kin folk, since having a Hollywood son in law is bound to make them a big deal in Okotoks and enhance their status within the community. In fact I’m sure that Kyla has been profiled ever night on the evening news since word got out! But ex boyfriend’s hurt feelings aside, the Weber Family might not want to go cashing in their winning lottery tickets just yet. Vaughn has a personality that is pretty much a convergence of bad habits – then there’s the booze, cocaine, strippers, and hookers – allegedly. So our little snow bunny might have a bit to put up with. Marrying a movie star isn’t all face lifts and eating disorders – there’s also the bad stuff! Still with her family’ support, I’m sure that she’ll stay in it for as long as she can bear it and as much as she can get out of it! After all – she’s lucky to have him, and that will define their relationship from the word “go”!
    BTW Prince Charles has just been named Best Dressed by Esquire mag, and beat out Pres  Obama who came in 4th. Chuck can’t take all the credit though, since his Saville Row tailors, Gieves and Hawkes actually make the cloths – he just wears ’em.
    Quantum leap ego trip
    Speaking of the folk on Pennsylvania Ave, it has just leaked out that Michelle Obama has congratulated Beyonce for being the perfect role model. The 1st Lady told Beyonce that Sasha and Malia were lucky to have someone like her to look up to. Of course by extension that means America is lucky, and the rest of the world too. Perhaps the entire universe is some how blessed by Beyonce’s presence – right out to it’s most remote corners. Of course we know Mrs Pres said this ’cause Beyonce is going around telling everyone. Speaking of singularities – her ego is expanding out of all proportion!
    Entertainment quote:
    You spend the first forty years of your life trying to get in this fucking business, and the next forty years trying to get out. And then when you’re making the bread, who needs it?
    ~ Lee Marvin

    Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

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