A trash flash from the past

the flashy and the trashy

Anne Heche at the 1997 Emmy Awards (cropped)Image via Wikipedia

In life there’s trashy and there’s toxic. Trashy can be campy good fun, like Paris Hilton; while toxic can be an accident waiting to happen, like Anne Heche. Heche started her career as a soap opera actress back on Another World. She played twins. Since she played both roles the question of which one was evil was moot. Anne was meant for higher things that daytime TV and she soon moved up in the world, though her life was to continue to be an over the top soap opera.
Looking good and going places
Anne’s a good looking chick and that can take you places in Hollywood. Especially if you don’t mind screwing around to get on in the world. In that respect Heche was as game as Sienna Miller (and Sienna’s had more riders than a carousel pony – whether or not it’s true that what goes up comes down, who ever said what goes around comes around must’ve been thinking of Sienna – she’s been around more than most painted carousel ponies). So she soon made a lot of influential new friends. Friends like Steve Martin. He met Heche when his marriage was either on the rocks, or through. Either way Heche didn’t do that relationship any good.
Hot air and both sides of clouds
Martin did her some good. He was a very successful comedy film actor at the time. So he was helpful in getting Heche some of those coveted movie roles. When she wasn’t trying out for film work she and Martin took hot air balloon rides together – which they described as ‘funner than fun’. When she wasn’t movin’ on up via hot air balloon, she & Martin shopped for dream homes that they could share. In this case house shopping with Heche had about the same relationship mojo as getting matching his and hers tattoos. As with many of Heche’s relationships, the joy ride was over before the car got out of the drive way.
up up and away
Anne wouldn’t be lonesome for long. She managed to get Ellen DeGeneres’ attention. No one is quite sure how this happened, though some think Ellen might have suffered some kind of head injury just prior to the ill fated fling. The unofficial version is that Ellen had noticed Anne about town and put the word out that she found Heche highly desirable. Heche wasn’t lesbian, but was willing to learn. Especially if there were major career perks involved. Since Ellen was kind of a bog deal in TV sit coms at the time, career perks were kind of a given. When the two met at a Hollywood wing ding, Anne turned on the charm. Before you knew it Heche had the bit between her teeth and was away to the races faster than you could say “Tallyho!”
teaser and the firecat
While Anne and Ellen set up together as high profile celebrity lesbians Stevo was left to nurse his wounds. He kind of felt ill done by in the whole Heche affair. He got some of it out of his system by writing Bowfinger. The Heather Graham character was supposedly based on Heche (I say supposedly because Martin himself may have mentioned that in a few interviews). If Stevo was marked down as bitter it was only because everyone was busy celebrating Heche and DeGeneres’ daring new love! Heche hadn’t completely forgotten about Martin though. In an ‘insult to injury’ move, she did talk Ellen into buying the dream home Martin had picked out for her.

Happily ever after – please make it stop!
Everything was now set for a happily ever after type scenario. There was only one problem; one of the players in the piece was Anne Heche. As soon as the love birds had settled into nest things took a nasty turn. Ellen lost her sit com. That led to a year long bout of unemployment and depression. In show business extended periods of unemployment can be trouble; since if you haven’t really made it, it could mean that you might get left behind and never work again.
unsinkable Annie
That left Ellen moping around the love nest while Anne grew ever more impatient. Anne had hoped hot gay sex would open every door in Hollywood to her. She hadn’t really signed on to give moral support to a unemployed middle aged lesbian. Never one to go down with the ship Anne began looking for the rat’s way out.
“I’m like a gay man trapped in a hot chick’s bod!”
She had to be careful. Some people had questioned her commitment to alternative lifestyles. Basically they were saying that Anne, never lesbian before, had hooked into DeGeneres as some kind of meal ticket/free pass into Hollywood. If she dropped Ellen like a hot potato then she’d come off as an opportunist. That’s something no serious opportunist would dare do. So she started floating stories that Ellen’s general lack of motivation was unattractive. That left Anne free to rediscover her heterosexuality.
strangers on candy
While getting reacquainted with the joys of cock, Anne also developed an interest in automatic writing and a fondness for meth amphetamine. That lead to the most colourful period of her life. She apparently spent days getting high and writing out messages from her higher power. That gave her some thing to do since her dance card was empty. Dropping DeGeneres when the chips were down made it clear what she was about. Since she’d left so many pissed on off people in her wake no one was volunteering to open more doors for her.
filling free time with drugs & gibberish
So, as some celebs do with extra free time to fill, she continued working on herself. Basically she was taking more drugs and writing more gibberish. She discovered, by way of the powerful meth auto writing combo that she was a space alien named Celestia and on a secret mission to bring love to Planet Earth. When the cops finally caught up with her she was wandering around a field naked as a jay bird and waiting for the mother ship to beam her up. Public nudity in the cause of a better world seldom works out (unless the audience is on acid – otherwise they don’t get it). Giving her the benefit of the doubt maybe she was trying to find her way back to Another World. At least things stopped before Heche went to far and discovered the kaballah. It was a great day to be Ellen DeGeneres though.
North. To Alaska
Since then it’s been touch and go for Heche. She married a camera man named Cody Lafoon, and had a son named Homer. Homer would soon be the object of a bitter custody battle as Heche and Lafoon went their separate ways. Heche also had a brief TV series called Men In Trees. It was set in Alaska, now known as Sarahland; and it didn’t work out. Things did work out better for Ellen. With Heche out of the way DeGeneres got her mojo back. She also got back on TV. Right now she’s about the biggest deal on daytime TV. With Oprah Winfrey looking about for new worlds to conquer that makes Heche girl most likely to fill the void.
time to adjust your set
Things sure did improve with Anne out of the picture. Hopefully Ellen can chalk the whole sad business up to experience, learn from it, and move on. I’m not saying that Heche is toxic. That’s for readers to infer; and let’s face it, it would be a hard inference to avoid. It just seems like a strange coincidence that things go sour when ever she’s involved. Maybe if she can work on the allegedly toxicity, then she could one day find her way back to an entertainment medium. She might just be trashy enough for reality TV!

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