Mila Kunis Goes Topless for "Esquire"

Mila Kunis Goes Topless for “Esquire

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Celebrity Craziness Matrix

celebrity has it’s seamy side

If Wondertrash has a message to impart it’s “Celebrity – don’t let it happen to you!” In many way celebrities are just like the rest of us: they struggle with the same issues, are driven by the same motivations, and are plagued by the same insecurities. They just do it on a larger scale and in front of a global audience. Hence the saying that fame is like wearing your underwear on the outside! It’s basically turning your life into a reality TV show.

ordinarily different & just a little bit special

In some ways thought, & bless their little hearts, celebrities can be a little bit different. They have the quirks, or eccentricities if you will, that make them stand apart from the ordinary bread of men & women comprised of those of us with enough common sense to avoid attracting too much attention. Anyone who will pose nude for Playboy while pregnant, send their kid up in a home made hot air balloon, of get 8 or 9 live embryos implanted into their uterus just for attention, plus the fame & fortune that can come with it, have got to be a little crazy.

celebrity in the matrix


Well now that Celebrity Craziness Factor has finally been organized. The good people over @ Jest have set down and dreamed up something that they call the Celebrity Craziness Matrix. According to the CC Matrix Celebrity Personality Disorder can be plotted on your standard x y axis with your favorite personalities falling some where between self aware to oblivious on the x axis, & zany to dangerous on the y.

dangerously self aware

Now that sounds mathematical & abstract. It makes more sense with real celebrity examples. If you look at the chart below you will see that – at the upper left, personalities like Lady Gaga & Andy Dick are self aware, but harmlessly zany. Julian Assange and Charlie Sheen on the other hand, are self aware but dangerous! You can talk to Chuck Lorre if you have any questions about the veracity of Sheen’s assessment! He’s still hurtin’ from the time he picked a fight with a warlock!

lovable lunatics

Now in the other range we have celebs who are less self aware. You might call them loveable dim wits – though some are less loveable than others. The likes of Gary Busey & Ozzy Osbourne aren’t known for dropping around deep philosophical ponderings. They are lovably zany. Part of the reason we do love them is because they don’t take themselves too seriously.

Mel Gibson is like an Antimatter Tom Cruise!

Then we have the less loveable hovering over at the dangerous end of oblivious. That includes people like Mel Gibson (think of him as Tom Cruise with the zany transferred into dangerous!), Lindsay Lohan, and Amanda Bynes. Their combo of dangerous & oblivious would make them poor people to be standing next to in a lightening storm. You’d be sure to get zapped. Then you’d be that charred frazzle standing beside an untouched Lindsay or Amanda in the tabloid pic!

Nick Nolte is Peter O Toole crossed with Courtney Love!

Then there are the borderline cases. People like Peter O Toole. His natural flamboyance made him a very entertaining actor, & lovably zany. His sharp wit combined with years of alcoholism means that he’s kind of back and forth between self aware and oblivious, depending. He’s kind of like the Courtney Love anti particle. Court’s extremely intelligent and also prone to occassional attacks of awareness. Other times she completely out of it!. Whereas O Toole is delightful & entertaining, Love is no one you’d turn your back on. Nick Nolte is another back & forth case but between zany & dangerous.

Mr. In Between! Jeff Probst is a male Anne Hathaway!

Then straight in the center we have Jeff Probst. We don’t know if his central placement makes him just right – like Goldilocks porridge. Does he have the right combo of zany/dangerous/oblivious/self awareness so that everything cancels everything else out, or does he just lack too much of any celebrity quality? Who ever he is he must be a special case among a rare breed! Like a male Anne Hathaway! Anne of course is the ‘reverse’ celebrity. Whereas other celebrities are like us but a bit different, Anne’s the opposite of that! So she’s a kind of “mirror image” of celebrity. Think of her as like Hawkgirl in the Justice League; & not quite like the other superheros! Or to put it another way, she doesn’t have an official Twitter account (that she could accidentally post mildly embarrassing pics of herself on).


There just isn’t matrix enough to mention everyone

Hopefully this celebrity crazy matrix can one day be refined into a proper diagnostic tool, like Robert Hare’s psychopath check list. Then it could hopefully be used to get celebs the right kind of help; or possibly identify non celebs with the right kind of crazy to make it in show biz! At this stage it can’t answer everything. Halle Berry didn’t make the matrix. For one thing no one is sure whether she knows what she’s doing. Besides, they were probably to damned afraid of her to put her in there (so she’d go along side LeAnn Rimes?)! So for now just enjoy it in it’s raw form & have some fun deciding where your favorites would fit in!


Anne Hathaway – the “reverse” celebrity

Kooky to the max & just a bit in bad taste

Celebrities are a little out there, and a little more willing to take chances and to expose themselves. That’s what makes Wondertrash possible. There’s a little celebrity in most of us though. So remember that you don’t have to be rich & famous to make a Wondertrash moment. Just be willing to put yourself out there, and take a chance by exposing yourself to what life has to offer. Then you too willing be rockin’ it Wondertrash style!

1 in 12 persons have celebrity personality disorder – can you spot which one?

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heartbreaking new Megan Fox photo

Megan Fox is in bad shape lately

Remember when Megan Fox was the hottest girl on the planet? That was back during the first Transformers flick. That was in 2007 when she had the role of Mikaela Banes, Shia Labouef’s unlikely girlfriend. Though Shia was the star Megan was the girl people came to see.

Back then Hollywood thought that they had lightening in a bottle. Execs and producers figured that they could just point a camera at the chick and people would pay to watch. Since sex sells Megan was a license to print money. That gave her an unlimited future. Then, as often happens in show business, things went wrong.

Did I say that shit or just think it out loud again?

Megan’s mouth got out of control and went on a rampage. Before studio executives could have her fitted for a bridle Megan had started saying all sorts of things, like actresses are whores but she’s really a man, or maybe only a tranny (that lead to the rumors that she was born a man named Mitchell Reed Fox who was later surgically converted to the female persuasion). She also claimed that women have power because they have pussies sand men are afraid of that but that all people are basically bisexual. Then she said that her boss Michael Bay was Hitler and his boss Steven Spielberg had her fired. Maybe he wasn’t sure how seriously to take her – like the rest of us (She had ony run through half her material and was just getting around to men being latent homosexuals!).

Any Bay in a storm

Anyway Bay needed a hot chick who couldn’t necessarily act for his 3rd film. So he got that Victoria’s Secret model. She was used to walking around in her under wear in front of an audience so she might have what it takes to be an actress. The transplant didn’t take so he might as well have just gone for Adriana Lima. She’s good enough for multiple Superbowl ads (that’s how you know which one is the archangel)!

from loose lips to loose ends

That left Meggers at loose ends. She wasn’t working much since Jennifer’s Body bombed. She was doing some B stuff that no one talked about, or saw. The Internet wasn’t even keeping track of her latest verbal diarrhea attack. It’s hard to keep a major Hollywood career afloat when people are forgetting about you.

“I can do Wonder Woman now – or even some Esurance commercials!”

She tried to keep herself busy. She married longtime boyfriend BAG. She did a few adds. She waited for Comic Con to ask her back. That leaves a lot of slack in the schedule, and you can only fill up so much time playing Guitar Hero! So your probably wondering “how’s Ms Megan is handling early semi retirement?” The answer is worse than Erin Esurance! This heartbreaking recent pic of Megan tells the whole sad story.

There have been some scary celebrity crashes but this takes the cake!

a funny thing happened on the way to rehab

There’s just no rehab for that! Many of us have done that door stopper thing – though in most cases it was because of Asperger’s Syndrome. When otherwise normal people get there things are bad. So bad that I hear Megger’s has been asking around to find out if the Wonder Woman part is still available. Look at it from her point of view – it’s a rough spot for a chick who used to be the next Angelina Jolie and is now lower than Al Gore. So send some good vibes out her way and tell her Wondertrash sent ’em! Also be sure to see her in The Great Dictator with Sacha Baron Cohen! You really need to support her in this cause her door stop routine is getting ont he neighbors’ nerves.

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Shit Com

a big shit com burning britches behind

Chuck Lorre is sending out a strong message that drugging, boozing, stripper chasing, and other general tom foolery and shit fuckery will not be tolerated. To that end he has ordered Charlie Sheen killed. Not actually but virtually, in the form of his 2 ½ Men character. It must be something like burning an unpopular politician in effigy, and Lorre wants to make sure the festivities get just as much attention as any actual hate rally. So he’s planned a big “fuck off Charlie” episode, complete with a funeral. This has been getting much Internet hype. 2 ½ Men was the top rated TV sit com for years and Lorre wants to make sure that dead Charlie gets higher ratings than live Charlie ever did.

I wouldn’t have done it that way. Sending Sheen’s character into rehab or jail for awhile would’ve been less extreme. If Charlie really had to go, for the good of the team, then I’d have sent him off on a mid life crisis to a Buddhist monastery high in the Himalayas. That’s a nice ironic twist after years of ho’ hounding. Plus it leaves the door open for a come back. Enlightened Charlie could return in the last season to surprise and annoy everyone with flashes of possible insight.

Killing him off is just malicious. Plus it’s real bad business sense. I may be only a lowly, mentally unstable internet blogger, and not a high powered sit com producer; but even I know that killing off a character is a bad move. For one thing, what if your series starts to tank out and you need to bring them back but you can’t because you’ve burned you’re bridges behind you? Then you’ve got two bad choices. (Two bad alternatives to choose between?)

1. You can pull the plug on a major money earner and quietly explain to your colleagues that you got a bit carried away and fucked up by killing the goose that laid the golden egg. By the time you realized what an ass you were it was too late for CPR. So file it under “Milt Spilk’. Hey, pobody’s nerfect!

2. You can opt for some ridiculous plot twist to bring the beloved character back to save the show. Now that might work on Star Trek, where they brought Denise Crosby back from the dead for years, by way of black holes, singularities, time warps, and meddling demi gods from the centre of the galaxy – “Hi Capt Picard. I’m Q and this woman says she knows you.” However when you can’t rewrite the laws of physics these twists can completely destroy the credibility of an otherwise popular show. It could wind up as something people will talk about for years along with the time Fonzie jumped the shark. Like when Pamela Ewing woke up and found her dead husband showering in the bathroom. “Why so surprised Pammy? Haven’t you heard that you can’t keep a good man down?” , “Oh Bobby I’m so happy that you snapped out of it. Now we can get back to normal.”

Disclaimer: Utter Bullshit Follows

That Dallas episode is something that people still talk about. It’s not the worst case. One of the worst case scenarios never happened and involved the Andy Griffith Show. It’s a little known fact that back in the 50’s and at the height of the show’s popularity Griffith had a vicious falling out with co star Don Knotts. Knotts could be very annoying in person and Andy was much more of an asshole than anyone ever let on. So shit happened faster than you could say ‘Lewis & Martin’.

Don did or said something wrong and Andy got madder than a blood hound tryin’ to hump a jack rabbit. So he went to the producers and laid it on them point blank that he wanted Knotts gone in the worst way. Now in that case worst way meant not just out quick, but in some humiliating scene that would make him a laughingstock and ruin him in the industry. He had to wind up looking so bad that he’d never work again because every time people saw him they’d burst out laughing. He mentioned some ideas like having Barney Fife kidnapped, raped, and murdered by a pack of roving circus clowns. He called it “The Crime that Shocked Mayberry”. Or maybe Fife could get killed in a freak accident at the county fair. He could fall into the candy apple machine and then get eaten by mules. He even had one idea where Barney dies meekly after being taken hostage by a drug crazed New York City transvestite. He said it would be cutting edge. Griffith had even dreamed up some dialogue for it, with him asking Knotts “How did you manage to get yourself into this?”, and Knotts answering in character, “How was I supposed to know he was a man? I’ve never been with a woman before!” Needless to say Andy was mad!

That left Mayberry producers with a real problem on their hands. Andy’s ideas were colourful and inventive, but not really Mayberry material. They could simply have Fife leave town, and then quietly fire Knotts, but Griffith wouldn’t have it. He wanted a big humiliating stink to teach Knott’s a lesson he’d never forget. So he was pushing for these weirdo ideas. Of course the sight of Knotts getting lured into a trailer by circus freaks and then getting sadistically butchered while wearing grease paint and a red nose would’ve alienated the audience. That’s how bad things had gotten. Griffith was willing to go that far to screw Knotts, and destroy his own show in the process.

The producers had to show Andy the errors of his ways. So they got together with the writers and came up with an idea so whacked out that even Griffith would think it was too far. They called it ‘the MK Ultra Episode’. The episode would reveal that Barney Fife had been a brain washed slave under the control of Griffith’s character. Just like the victims of CIA brainwashing experiments. Like most brain washed slaves Fife was obedient but incompetent and his blundering had finally gone too far. The sheriff would finally hold his deputy to ultimate accountability by triggering his suicide programming. The final scene would feature a teary Knotts looking Griffith in the eye and crying “Andy, why?” while Griffith explained that there was no room for failure in Mayberry. Griffith would then hand Fife his service revolver and tell him to go out back, and to “be a man about it, because Opie’s watching and you don’t want him to think you’re a loser.” Fife would tearfully take the gun and say “Well, for Opie”, then shuffle out the door, after which a loud shot would be heard.. That would be followed by some light banter between Griffith and Ron Howard, in which Opie asks “What’ll we do about a deputy now Dad?” and Griffith answers “Gee I dunno son. Maybe we’ll have to train a chimp. It’a be easier, and he’d be cheaper to keep. How’d you like a chimp, son?”

The producers thought this would do it. It was so extreme that no one outside of a mental ward would go for it. Plus it was so allegorical that Griffith had to get it. Hopefully he’d sit down, hear out the idea, and then realize that he’d been going over board. “I have been a little carried away lately”, Griffith might say. Then everyone would have a good laugh and be relieved that things got stopped in time, before they went too far.

Trouble was that Andy loved the idea. He thought it was the greatest thing he’d heard. He insisted that the producers do it. Since they’d gone along this far they didn’t know how to back out. They were cornered. So the whole thing got written up and slated in. Don Knotts thought it was some kind of a joke, until Griffith started calling him “Old Yeller” and following him around the set with a prop gun. He’d wave the gun under Knotts’ nose and say “lookin’ forward to your retirement Old Yeller?”

The episode, with the working title of “Old Yeller”, was scheduled in. So with each episode that got completed it moved closer and closer to the head of the line. The only hope was that Griffith would snap out of it and come to his senses, but he showed no signs of easing up. He just kept badgering Knotts by pushing his folksy charm to psychotic extremes. Then a week before the episode was due to go into production Griffith went off on a bender with some cocktail waitress. By the time he got back he was hung over and having memory black outs. So the whole thing blew over.

It was a simpler time. That’s because even though everyone involved was a raging asshole at least they could find a way to get past their problems before the train went off the rails. Even if the way past them was only an alcoholic blackout. Things got a chance to blow over. In Mayberry’s case an unfortunate mess was avoided. Don Knotts escaped from the Old Yeller retirement home and the cast went on pretending to get along. So generations got to enjoy the home spun fun of Mayberry.

Pretending to get along shouldn’t be too hard for show business professionals. However with season premiers looming on the horizon it doesn’t look like things are gonna blow over in time to get back to normal. Unless there’s a cocktail waitress with a quart of Jack Daniels waiting to save the day. When Charlie Sheen’s involved that’s possible. Meanwhile we still have the Internet to entertain us. Or look for Charlie to come back after a year and a ratings dip, to reveal that he was on a secret spy mission and his death was staged to protect his family. Or the kid just had a bad dream. Considering Charlie’s salary demands that’s gonna cost; it might not help much but it’s gonna cost.


Curious George & Dimpled Chad

the President is still allegedly American
conspiracy theories and the “other” Mrs. Obama

President Barack Obama has been getting some grief from conspiracy theorists since he was elected. The most notable theory but by no means the only one is that Barack Obama was born in Kenya, and so is ineligible to be President based on not being native born. It’s not the only one. Other theories say that Obama is a Muslim, and atheist, a socialist, and a Vulcan from Krypton. One theory even purports that Obama is not actually black – but an attractive white woman who began impersonating a black man when she first decided to position herself for the presidency. The idea was that since Hillary Clinton had the chick vote sown up, an another angle was needed. While that is an intriguing theory, I think that it was probably dreamed up by someone who watched White Chicks too often while stoned.

A good offensive defense

The sad thing is that the President, if I may call her that, has felt the need to start addressing this issues; which by her own words are unworthy of comment. Barack Obama, with Michelle at his side, appeared on Oprah a little while ago to assure the American People that he is in fact an American, and that Donald Trump was no better than reality TV’s version of a carnival barker. Though Donald was much gratified by the mention.

I can’t tell the difference – these faked alien birth certificates are just as good as our real earth ones!

Though Oprah never once doubted him, I guess he felt that others needed reassurance. Not everyone is a graduate in The Course in Miracles, like Oprah; so their faith might need support. Just like the Apostles on the Sea of Galilee. To that end Obama also produced evidence of himself – not in the form of bread and fishes, but in the form of a Hawaiian birth certificate dated Aug 5 1961. Not that any one believed it. It was quickly picked apart on the Internet where some of the more committed among the lunatic fringe quickly analysed it for evidence of improper extra terrestrial tamper. Of course the birth Certificate came out clean. Since the aliens are years ahead of the human race technologically (they only lag behind us in bloody mindedness, which built this planet; and along with our atmosphere is our best defence against space invaders) this doesn’t prove anything. Maybe we just aren’t advanced enough to detect the signs of their technological interference in much the way that we’re still trying to decipher the hidden meaning of crop circles using the Enigma Code, with pi as a key (Steven Spielberg did suggest that they use music as a possible basis for decoding “Just like my ET!”, but the scientific community didn’t take him too seriously. The idea would’ve had more credibility coming from former physicist James Avatar Cameron).

Coming Soon

The probably with going on the defensive that way is that you never know when to stop until you’ve past the point of no return. In public figures that can be bad. Tom Cruise was off the couch and on the way home without realizing the damage he’d done to his image on Oprah (Some one should’ve got the President to watch that episode when he decided that appearing on Oprah would clear things up). First Obama’s showing his birth certificate, next he’s peeing in a cup on Livestream – like Charlie Sheen. What would come next? Perhaps some lively Sheen’s Korner type channel on youtube, featuring the President directly addressing the American People with frequent updates on his personal life. Since his personal life is no where near as colourful as Charlie’s he should skip that. The closest thing he has to a goddess is wife Michelle and she’s been camera shy ever since she got shit for touching the Queen. “Come here and say ‘hi’ Michelle.” “Barry no.” “Oh go, on we’re on youtube!” Of course if the Pres starts addressing the Vulcan Muslim atheist issue, or pulling down his pants to prove that he is in fact a man then we’ll know that he’s gone too far; though become way more interesting!

The Nobel Award for outstanding motion picture achievement in sanctimonious high mindedness!

In this one thing at least Obama would’ve done well to have taken a page from the Book of Bush. If you’ll recall Bush was never supposed to be President either – but you didn’t hear him defending himself. He was never supposed to be pres because he stole the election – allegedly. It happened down in the state of Florida where George stole about 300 votes from Al Gore (the democratic Party’s Dan Quayle and way too interested in rain forest frogs to be relevant to tax payers, though the Motion Picture Academy and the Nobel Prize Committee liked him well enough – give those two esteemed bodies something in common!), and he did it with the help of some one called Dimpled Chad.

the Ballad of Dimpled Chad

Now I’m not sure who Dimpled Chad is, but I gather that he’s a kind of gay G Gordon Liddy. His secret identity as a gay adult film star made him a highly valuable CIA asset (like John Erik Hexum on Cover Up!). It may have been in his capacity as a spy, and not as a gay porn star, that he first got in touch with the Bush clan. Although there are those who say that he first ran into Bush family members at Bohemian Grove, during one of that club’s “no girls allowed” annual naked wing dings. The Bush Family quickly found him handy for dirty work of various kinds, and Dimpled Chad found himself on the way up in the world. However after the Florida Election Caper he found himself in too compromising a position. As daytime talk show hosts clamoured to get a piece of him, he disappeared into obscurity before he had fully emerged from it.

Bush whacked!

No one is quite sure what ever happened to Dimpled Chad. Some say that he had become too dangerous. George had him whisked away to CIA HQ for some Stan Smith American Dad style brainwashing/reprogramming. That didn’t work out and Chad had to be hospitalized long term after cracking up and starting to go “Andrew Cunanin”. Others say that George had him sold to Indonesia organized crime, as a horse collared gay sex slave. Others say that he was reprogrammed with top secret technology and is now a straight Mormon elder with no recollection of his previous life (except for that brief flicker he gets every time some well established Mormon says he’s seen him some where before, “on TV or something right?”). Still others say that Bush just had him whacked!

Deep dimpled cover

Now I’ve heard that the actual story is that Bush didn’t have him whacked – for old times sake. Though it would’ve been safer to whack him Bush retained a soft spot for the sexy young man who helped him rig an election and become both the most powerful & the most dangerous man on planet earth! Besides, sine Chad was instrumental in setting in motion a course of events that lead to the execution of Saddam Hussein, or at least a buck toothed imposture in the place of Hussein, the world owned Chad. So he had him spirited out of the country. No one is sure where Chad went. Some say South America, while others swear he’s on the Mediterranean. The stories do agree that he’s kept in grand style. George set him up with a Villa and a checking account courtesy of the American Taxpayer (and there by finding more worthwhile usages for the funds than saving rain forest frogs!).

A loose lipped old dumpling

Chad has been warned to keep his mouth shut about who he is and what he knows. If he talks too much then he could wind up as an anonymous gay male Marilyn Munroe! Since all he’s material needs are more than adequately met there’s really no reason for him to show his face. As long as he’s smart he can go on living like gay royalty! Yet having started life as a young up and comer Chad can’t help letting the story slip from time to time. That’s allegedly how the rumour has started coming to light. Chad knows he shouldn’t repeat this stuff but he likes the attention! Attention is harder to come by these days too, now that he’s been sequester from the rest of the world, and made so fat and complacent that he’s more Dumpy Chad than dimpled. The loose talk could be embarrassing, but even when it does get back to Big George, he refuses to do anything about it, except cut him another check. So the moral of the story is that if George W can overlook all that, then Barack Obama really shouldn’t feel any need to defend himself on the birth certificate issue, let alone the whole transvestite communist Vulcan Muslim thing! Although if he wants to it would make for some fantastic gossip!


Dr Laura: Livin’ on the air

Disclaimer: The following story was given to me by an unnamed source, so it’s probably untrue, which is to say false.

strong opinions & sharp wit

Once upon a time and on your local radio station Dr Laura Schlessinger was the biggest deal in AM talk radio. She’s a bright energetic woman, not shy about her strong opinions, and articulate enough to match wits with the best. She got herself a major audience quick. That got her some major success in life. Success brought a lot of opportunities, like the chance to publish her numerous, preachy self help type books based on the kind of thinly disguised moralizing that she became famous for. “Who ever said ‘judge not’ should’ve asked me! I could’ve set them straight!”

from the mountain top to Sirius by way of the far side of the moon – The Dr is in & out

As her radio show became a bully pulpit, Dr S. got even less shy with those strong opinions. Sometimes the higher up the mountain you climb the better the view is. Other times it leads to a hard fall. A hard fall is what Dr Laura took when she flipped out on the air and said some stuff she shouldn’t have. After that she left the mountain top and took a detour from the promised land into the wilderness of Sirius satellite radio. She used to enjoy the kind of command and control that Capt Kirk would’ve envied. These days she’s down to about 6000 Twitter followers.

Traits of highly effective reptilians

A reversal of fortune can be hard to take. Especially when you’re used to having your own way. In willful people this can have some strong reactions. They can lapse into defensiveness, paranoia, or develop odd obsessions. Dr S is particularly strong willed, so the sudden change in the winds of fortune have blown particularly ill for her. In fact it’s lead to a strange consolation. Dr Laura has become a WKRP fan.

“It could happen to anyone so why don’t they understand?”

It’s not that unusual since the show is about radio and Dr S has spent a major part of her highly effective career in the medium. There’s more to the story however. Dr Laura used to be at the top of her game. Then she got in trouble for saying shit on the air. After that she was exiled from mainstream broadcasting. Friends reminded her that this is an occupational hazzard in radio. It’s happened to people like Don Imus. Somewhere along the way some one joked that it even happened to Dr Johnny Fever. That’s where things started to go down hill for Laura sanity wise.

Dr Laura & the parallax view

Dr Laura started watching the show on DVD. Maybe the humour gave her some release from the strain. However she also began identifying with the Dr Fever character. She saw a strange parallel between her own situation and that of Dr Fever’s. He’d been LA’s top DJ and then got banished to Ohio after saying “booger” on the air. After that he was left to waste away playing elevator much in the lowest rated station in Cincinnati. “Just like me!” Dr S has been overheard to say, when discussing the show with her friends (Since it’s the only thing she talks about some days friends are tired of hearing about it). “We’re both Dr’s!” she’s even blurted, in some of her more confused moments.

Livid on the air – those were the days

This has lead to her present sad and sorry state. When Dr S isn’t fielding callers on her Sirius show – often the same caller brought back for two or three days in a row to make up for the lack of fresh callers – she’s holed up in a small room of spacious mansion, alone in the dark watching & WKRP with a bottle of gin beside her. Of course her hero is Johnny and she brightens up whenever he appears on screen. “Booger booger booger!” she will some times drunkenly mutter to herself and then giggle mischievously.

Laura loves Johnny – she’s got the fever!

This is peculiar to say the least. It’s got friends worried. At first they led it slide. She was in the dumps and they cut her some slack. They started to get worried when she began writing and emailing Howard Hessman – the actor who played Johnny. First she told him how much she enjoyed the show, how much it helped her, and what a great actor she thought he was. Then the letters got creepier. Dr Laura began asking him to appear on her radio show as a guest. She even started inviting him to her home. When she began telling him that he was one of the few people that could understand exactly what she was going through, and that it’s like they were soul mates, the alarms bells went off. Friends began worrying about ‘cyber stalking’ & discussing an intervention.

a slim chance of lime light at the end of the shit tunnel – it’s slime light!

Some of Dr Laura friends even took the step of reaching out to Dr Drew. They thought that he might be able to help her. He’s an ambitious & hi profile teleshrink so he would be able to relate. Besides the chance to appear on celebrity rehab might perk her up a bit. Dr S is used to the lime light and misses it desperately. So appearing on reality TV might get her out and talked about again. Plus the slim chance of possible career revival might boost her sagging spirits. It could be a glimmer of light at the end of the shit tunnel.

a dose of reality for sympathetic bitches

Dr S herself even warmed to the idea after friends explained that it was like Heather Mills on Dancing With the Stars. “Well, if it could make that bitch sympathetic imagine what it could do for me!” Laura beamed. Alas it was not to be. When Dr Drew eventually got back to Laura’s people his terse response was “I wouldn’t be in the same room with that over bearing pushy broad if we were both Judging American Idol!” So maybe he is enough like Laura to relate – though I never said it takes one to know one.

wastin’ away again in Margarita-ville

Anyway the rejection has Laura in an even worse way. She’s hitting the gin bottle harder than ever. She spends her days holed up in her TV room watching her favourite shows as the garbage pills up higher around her. The once stylish room is rapidly turning into a dank snake pit. She refuses to see or talk to anyone except he pizza delivery boy, & lives life out through her shows and through booze.

From Fever to Nessman! “There’s a reasonable explanation for this – I’m a conspiracy victim!”
 Wonder Woman is a tin foil hat wearing conspiracy victim

Friends do say there is some sign of change, if not hope. She’s cooling on Dr Fever. Though friends are glad to see the emphasis shift, unfortunately it’s in the direction of conspiracy theories. Dr. S’s new fair haired boy is Texas wild man Alex Jones, and she spends most of the day listening to his on line radio show, down loading his material on line, and posting on his Infowars message board under an assumed identity. She’s even working up the nerve to approach Alex about a possible tet e tet. “He’s into celebs,” she says, “so he’ll talk to me! We can help each other!” (Dr Laura still speaks in exclamation points, so she’s not too far gone) Hopefully she’s not riding for another fall, or the next stop will be UFO and Comicon conventions! I prefer to see the bright side. Look for Dr Laura to re emerge as the host of a conspiracy related radio program sometime in the not too distant future! I can hardly wait for her next “Habits of Highly Effective Reptilians” book!

BS. Now Dr. Laura did say some bad shit on the air. It wasn’t cleared by her excuse either. The fact is that a woman called in looking for help and Laura used it as an opportunity to make some kind of ‘free speech’ political point. Whether or not you believe that her point was valid, wrong, or somewhere in between; it was neither the time nor the place. That’s especially true when she’d tell anyone else in a similar predicament that you have the right not to have anyone in your home who’s ‘crazy, dangerous, or seriously annoying‘ – her standard line.

Still it’s worth considering that from time to time stuff happens. When you work in the media it’s your job to talk. when your mouth is open that much sooner or later your foot’s gonna find it’s way in there. That’s just the law of averages. To illustrate let’s take a look at this amusing news blooper reel!

Embarrassing mishaps are the typo’s in the blog of life!

PS. Now here’s a little something for Calvin’s Canadian Cave of Cool. Wondertrash gets a fair amount of traffic via the Cave of Cool, so it’s only fair.


Dreamboat Annie is a knock out!

actress reverts to feral state!

Annie Hathaway’s most recent role is as Catwoman in the up coming Batman. She’s taking the role very seriously too. In fact it might be bringing out the young lady’s feral steak. Anne was sparring with one of the stunt men a got so involved in her erotica villainess role play that she shoved the but of a gun right into the poor man’s eye. Naturally that gave him a headache and a hell of a shiner! Anne seemed rattled by her sudden surge of enthusiasm and of course tried to make nice. Being gracious to the hired help is part of what makes her the class act that she is. The guy reassured her that it was okay, too. however Annie felt the need to go the extra mile. She bought the injured fall guy a silver pen complete with an engraved inscription -“remember no one packs a punch like Anne Hathaway“. It’s a little keepsake to remember her by, after the swelling goes down!

feral cats & repeat offenders!

Trouble is that this isn’t Anne first incident. back when she was doing Bride Wars with Kate Hudson (member her?), there was an altercation on the set. The pair were filming a fight seen and Anne got a little carried away. Apparently she smacked Hudson a little harder than the script called for. Now the gossip rags wrote this up as an amusing incident that was only a part of the scripted scene. Ting is that Kate had been riding Anne pretty hard about her ‘loser boyfriend’ at the time Raffaello Follieri (a name Anne probably hopes that she’ll never hear again, and probably won’t as long as the poor sod is rotting away in his 8 x 12!)! “Loser boyfriend” were Kate’s words.

Catwoman’s life of crime

By way of back story, though everyone still remembers, Raf was a high flying Italian entrepreneur who was making a mint off of naive American business men by telling them that he was selling Church real estate on the sly for the Vatican. One of the folks he cheated was Ron Buckle, a billionaire who runs some kind of dept store chain. in addition to that he was also a good buddy of Bull Clinton, and sank a ton into both Bull’s campaign and that of his wife Hilary. In fact when Bull hang’s out in LA he’s stays at the Buckle estate, when he’s not crashing with David Geffen! The Buckle connection got Raf and Annie invited to many White House to do’s before everything went horribly wrong!

a brief history of catfights

Anyhow Kate was teasing Anne about this, as girls are wont to do. Next thing you know there was smack across the kisser with plenty of snots and tears following! Though everyone said that it was a stunt gone wrong, when you have estrogen and boy talk and then punch comes to shove, who can say? You’ve all been through high school so you know how it is. Many people figured that Anne might have deliberately hauled off and nailed her. Since Kate was the hot young actress of the day, and getting so carried away with that she was strutting around like her shit didn’t stink, most people were willing to give Anne a pass on it. Believe me that the blind eye came with a friendly wink and a smile!

violent femmes – “It was my PMS, I swear!

The thing is that the most recent occurrence makes this Anne’s second, that we know off. Fact is that we don’t know how many people she may have clobbered that we’ve never heard about! As far as we know pretty Annie might be prowling around hoped up on Starbucks, Red Bull, and who knows what, until she’s like Britney Spears channeling Mike Tyson. Before you know it she’s crazier than Bjork at the airport check in line!Meanwhile the whole thing gets covered up – as usual – to protect a major Hollywood asset, and MK Ultra monarch slave (Anne is currently being programmed with kitten scripting – see Fritz Springmeier!). Though that keeps the carpet from getting pulled out from under her career, as Linda Hogan would put it; it prevents her from getting the help she needs. That’s just what happened to Megan Fox with her Tourette’s Syndrome, and both Mischa Barton and Heather Locklear with their secret drinking. Now you might say that I’ve got my tin foil hat on too tight, but you’ve got to admit that it looks like Annie has some impulse control issues. Let’s put it this way – don’t piss her off or Annie will knock you the fuck out!


Jennifer Aniston finds new love!

Ever since Brad Pitt tossed over Jennifer Ansiton for the crazy woman (maybe Jolie isn’t that bad), America has had to put up with one of it’s most tiresome soap opera’s since Archie Betty & Veronica .Jolie’s currently optioning that script and pitching the Betty role to Aniston, via Aniston & Pitt’s production company. She’s hoping that the role playing will remind Brad which one of them is the catch. Jolie never really recovered from Pitt designing that wedding ring for Aniston. He can’t design one for her since they’re not married. She did design a spiffy diamond pendant for him recently, so you can tell the whole ring thing is weighing on her. Besides, after the Tourist Jolie is desperate for any starring role she can get. Word is that she’s run out of box office mojo.

Anyway Jenn’s been at lose ends for the past 10 years. She just hasn’t been able to get anyone to fill the void. Even Gerry Butler wasn’t good enough for her, so no wonder everyone is losing patience with her! She even started keeping company with Chelsea Handler. The problem with that is 2 single & semi alcoholic middle aged broads don’t make the best companions.

So you should be glad, or not, to hear that Jenn has finally found some one. Maybe it’ll work this tiem too, cause what ever you might say about her new companion, she ain’t middle aged. Not only is it a she, but it’s some one who needs absolutely no intro – Miss Tila Tequila! Here’s a picture of them together, taken recently, and the looks on their faces say everything their publicists need to deny – which is according to them is that the bosom buddies are merely rehearsing for another of Aniston’s patented romcoms. A likely story! Good luck you crazy kids!

BTW if the thought of Aniston and Tila gettin it on disturbs any of you, then you’re not a 20 something single male! Or even am middle aged amrreid male. However if you are among the disturbed, relax. This relationship won’t last 3 months, based on Aniston’s past track record.

Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

Tom Cruise on life with Katie Holmes "Our Love Story is a Conspiracy Theory!"

2 questions you should ask any celebrity

Not long ago a Mocksure field agent ran into one of Hollywood’s most interesting leading men. So they got a chance to ask them all sorts of up close and personal questions, like “What the fuck is going on?”, and “Are you for real?” So I am pleased to be able to post the gist of that unauthorized interview. I am also pleased to tell you that the star was Tom Cruise!

Truth or dare: Cruise patrol & confidence games

Our Mocksure agent met Mr Cruise recently while out on patrol. After gaining Cruise’s confidence, our operative then posed some deeply personal questions in an attempt to get at what’s on Mr Cruise’s mind. This is what Tom Cruise had to say:

Mid Life Crisis

“The thing that bugs me most is my marriage. You can’t believe what it’s like. I sat down and wrote this whole beautiful love story for Katie and me, and then you people go and turn it into a conspiracy theory. I thought it was pretty straight forward: a middle aged man gets tired of his high strung bitchy wife and goes off to find comfort in the arms of an attractive and friendly young woman. Just like Last Tango In Paris!”

I need a script revision!

“Suddenly I start hearing all this talk about secret societies, aliens, mind control, etc. Friends are asking me if I have a transporter beam in my house! The worst, most insulting thing is when total strangers walk up like they know me, and then ask me “Is your wife a robot?” Can you imagine asking some one that “Did you marry a robot?” It’s like they thing I’m some kind of a freak! Finally I got so pissed of that one day I told one guy “Yes, my wife is a robot. The real Katie Holmes is in Japan working for the Church of Scientology under a slave contract. David Miscavige says that unless I publicly represent the Church, I’ll never see the real Katie again!”

don’t take it lying down!

“The result is that our marriage just isn’t working out anymore. Katie’s pissed because I’m doing Mission Impossible, while she’s not doing anything. Mission Impossible is gonna be out soon; and if you managed to sit through SALT, and The Tourist; then you should certainly be able to stand sitting through this!”

stay out of our marriage!

“So this is a hard time for Katie. So the whole conspiracy trip isn’t helping. Believe it or not Katie has feelings. She’s not a robot, so when she herself referred to as that, it hurts! Even my agent is getting nervous. He says “If you really want to sell this whole straight guy image then you gotta get caught cheating on your wife! Only straight guys cheat on their wives!” I told him “Scientologists never cheat on their wives!” Besides, the lawyers told me that it would violate a no cheat clause in our pre nup and entitle Katie to a long visit at my bank.”

what it may lack in love, it makes up in story!

So the upshot is that Tom Cruise is not the simple fellow he portrayed in his films. For instance he’s a smooth operator who’s fallen into some troubles that haven’t been resolved by him finding himself. Also he’s married to a beautiful young leading lady, but she’s a robot, allegedly. Then, even though gadgets have played as much a part in his films as in the James Bond series, and even though tech has crept into the story in the form of his robot is wife, the only gadget Tom has to defend himself with is an E Meter! In fact he’s an indication that a life filled with drama can also be filled with complications! I just hope he manages to rescue Katie from Japan, and over come the evil David Miscavige. I’ll see that movie when it comes out, too.

Disclaimer: The above was written as humor, and not the basis of a discussion with Tom Cruise. No such discussion ever occurred.

Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

Catherine Zeta Jones as Wonder Woman

Remember about 10 years back when there was some excitement about Catherine Zeta Jones possibly playing Wonder Woman? There was even rumors that she’d been fitted for a WW costume. Well I am pleased to be able to confirm those rumors – and in fact post some of those previously lost stills right here!

Wonder Woman Royalty Free Stock Photo

Wonderwoman Royalty Free Stock Photo

Wonder Woman Royalty Free Stock Photo

Now that costume might look like a t shirt & a table cloth but that’s clearly Catherine Z. She’s younger and a little fuller in the face, but the features are unmistakable. Even behind those ww1 bi plane goggles. Many were disappointed that Ms. Catherine never got her chance to don the satin tights, but considering these stills it was clearly for the best. Hollywood movie producers are still only starting to figure out the whole comic geek thing!

Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

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