Affleck on Lopez

Ben Affleck regrets the whole Bennifer thing. Let’s face it, the whole deal was worse for business than NAFTA. Which is not to say that he doesn’t like the artist formerly known as JLo, alias Jennifer Lopez,  personally. In fact he still keeps in touch with her – not literally but virtually. They exchange occasional text messages to praise and compliment each other. For instance JLo has text him about his new movie looking good. Benj has got one coming out so JLo’s seal of approval is probably worth mentioning – if only for attention. Benj e mailed her about American Idol, which he thought was a  smart move. She quit that so it probably wasn’t worth mentioning, even if you only mentioned it by way of the DailyMail.

Tips of the day: Celebrities should never change their names to anything shorter if they’re eventually planning on changing their names back again. This is because the shorter name is easier to type, and so it will probably stick. JLo will for ever be known that way because it’s just easier than typing in Jennifer Lopez. Then again they say that the point is to create something that lasts for ever – though in many cases the only things people create that seem to last for ever are their mistakes.

This useful tip is for bloggers. We’re currently in an election. So if you want to get an edge with the search engines then just litter your post with political terms like presidential, worse than NAFTA, jihad, war on whatever, etc. Anything that could be borrowed from a political blog or talk radio and then fit into a general context might boost your blog like a dark horse candidate in the poles. So go on and broaden your constituency!


Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

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Jennifer Lopez – the nipple slip

This is what the fuss is about. If you look closely you can barely see the outer edge of Jennifer Lopez’s nipple. It’s more of a rim shot. So there was no need to make the kids leave the room since they’d have missed it unless some one pointed it out.

from Allie Is Wired


Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

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JLo divorce – unsubstantiated rumours

The unofficial official story on the JLoMarc Anthony split up is that he was a domineering control freak who broke Jenny’s fragile spirit. Miss Piggy Lopez had to ditch Kermit Anthony because he was just too much macho for her. To that end she gave some interviews about loving herself enough to walk away. No one ever doubted that JLo loved her self enough. Many suspected that she loved herself a bit too much. While Jenny may think of herself as as tender shoot and delicate blossom, the rest of the world finds the idea of her being dominated about as believable as – well – the idea that I regularly beat up Mike Tyson for his lunch money! Still the current story had Marc A clearly to blame, at least according to JLO’s official and unofficial spokespersons.

According to the Daily Mail Online there’s another reason behind the bust up: JLo’s commitment to Scientology. JLo is a good friend of the church’s Vice Thetan in Chief Tom Cruise. She’s also been very publicly sympathetic towards the church, defending it through such statements as ‘I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.’ Fair enough. Reasonable people might feel that way about any religion – except for those mad, radical Muslims with their irrational hatred of promiscuous sex and scantily clad women – oh wait that whole war on terror thing is over now! So we can put aside our irrational fear and paranoia towards Muslims, and they can get back to their secret repressed interest in scantily clad promiscuous Western women – those dirty little tramps!

JLo’s sympathy to Scientology goes a little bit beyond defending the Church in public. She also has considered sending the Royal Twins her kids to a Sci School. At least if she meant what she said in the very same interview where she defended Sci. In fact she said she “wouldn’t mind” sending her kids to space school. Now according to an unnamed source close to the couple Marc wasn’t as enthusiastic about Scientology as JLo. So when the whole school issue came up Marc said no and that made the couple go Tom & Nicole! So it looks like this divorce is about to get more interesting.

Now here are some handy links on that story:
KHMX Radio

Inquistr

CTV

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Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony close to break up

Livin la vida Lopez


Jennifer Lopez brings a lot to a relationship – like her big freakin’ ego. She also has as much impact on the guys she’s with as a meteor strike. Like remember when Ben Affleck used to have a A List career? You may remember Ben from such flicks as Pearl Harbor with some chick named Kate Beckinsale. Oh yeah, and he co stared in all of Matt Damon’s early work – you know, his good stuff, before he went Bourne Identity.

The good, the bad, but mostly the fugly

Back then Benji was Hollywood’s #1 stud. So naturally JLo figured that she was entitled (note to celebrities, if you’re gonna change your name and then change it back; then don’t change it to anything shorter or easier to spell than your original working name. Writers are lazy bastards, so if the new name is easier it’s gonna stick – like JLo!). JLo insinuated her way into Ben’s life until they became Brangelina before Brangelina was cool. They even had a nifty combination name – Bennifer!

actor loses his damon

The Bennifer moniker should give everyone who doesn’t recall an indication of what everyone at the time thought about their pairing. Matt Damon was so disgusted that he turned his back on Ben. He went on to make some remarks in interviews about it being like watching a car wreck – ‘you try to give the guy a few heads up, but then you realize that there’s nothing you can do‘. Since the industry and the fans were already through with Affleck, Damon made it unanimous. With Affleck’s image and career in shreds, the woman known as La Porca in some segments of the Latino entertainment community moved on. Not that Benji was the first damage she’d done.

Diddy diddly do!

Back in the day she used to hang with Diddy. Diddy was the guy who made her a star (she was briefly known for playing slain Texmex singer Selina in a biopic made after the sexy singer’s untimely demise; but the consensus at the time was that Lopez lacked the charisma, talent, and sex appeal to do Selina justice. Since JLo gave a disappointing performance in a disappointing film, she went away for awhile, until Anaconda.) by producing her one successful, and genuinely good, album. That w as the one that featured her “If You Want My Love” single.

the scene of the crime

Diddy was handling JLo in every sense of the word, not just career wise. So they were out and about together quite a bit. In fact JPig was on his arm that fateful night when some one got shot at a club the dynamic duo were attending. No one is quite sure exactly what happened, even though there was some kind of a trial to determine exactly what happened. All anyone is relatively sure of is that a gun got drawn, and then discharged. After that Diddy and JPig were seen beating a hasty exit from the nightclub. Some witness claimed he saw a gun get heaved out of the sun roof of Diddy’s limo as it sped away from the crime scene. While it might be unfair to say that JPig was responsible for that, or helped cause the incident, Diddy dumped her fat ass shortly after the trial clued up. Don’t make a lady angry until you’ve got her testimony on record!

JLo seemed to have mellowed with age. For one thing she had become willing to pay for companionship. While some were observing that it was the only way she could get it after her train wreck love life, her defenders maintained that it was a bad habit she picked up off of her idol Madonna. Anyway paying for love is where Marc Anthony came in.

“cash flow” spells “flash cow”

He was a back up singer for JLo or something, and Her Majesty began waving money under his nose. So naturally he went for it. A Lucrative deal it was too. JLo was worth a ton. She’d done quite a few A List movies – all of which flopped (People were so sick of Lopez by that time that they wouldn’t even pay to see her die in Jersey Girl – though it must of been tempting for many), but she still had to be paid a king’s ransom for doing them. So she had a hefty sized nut tucked away. Over $100 mill by some estimates.

booty looty

So JLo kept Marc A interested by making free with her considerable loot. She bought him a part interest in a major league sports franchise for one thing. Not that she didn’t get value for her money. Marc some how managed to went on to father twins on Lopez. Lopez went on to lavish money on them too. For one thing they were only allowed to wear designer duds, and even then each item was only worn once. Oh yeah, and she also bought a couple of diamond studded baby rattles for the tots. Since babies are two young to appreciated the value of diamonds (something to do with a state of blessed innocence), it’s safe to assume that this was another Lopez ego trip in overdrive.

What with the constant egomania JPig must’ve been a real pill to live with. If it wasn’t for her millions and millions of dollars it just wouldn’t have been worth it (and money was all that she had. Marc A’s career didn’t exactly move into overdrive – unlike JLo’s ego – since hooking up with her. Though she’s never done a guy’s career any good, these days she’s got less star maker ability than Tom Cruise. Not that I’m comparing Marc A to Katie Holmes or anything.). The trouble is that the money is running out. With the money running out the marriage is starting to crack.

putting the passion back in the relationship

Financial concerns may have been what caused JLo to take the American Idol gig. It also caused her to move to LA, which is a city Marc A hates passionately. So Marc has retaliated by booking himself out on tour for around about the time that JLo’s American Idol gig starts. So he won’t be in the audience all supportive of the little woman, like Sarah Palin during Bristol’s Dancing With The Stars spot. What’s more Marc ain’t taking the missus’ phone calls. Or when he does he yells at her and hangs up.

dues to pay

The plot thickens. Some, like Celebitchy, have called Marc ‘money hungry‘ for booking his tour dates. They have also pointed out that Marc A has some heavy duty IRS trouble in the form of millions in unpaid back taxes. Now they claim that Marc has worked out an arrangement with the IRS – probably something like “Hey guys, you know my pig of a wife is good for it“. However the key words in this are “IRS” and “millions in owed back taxes“. So this sort of thing don’t blow over easy – not even if you’re Willie Nelson or Wesley Snipes. If they filed joint returns than JLo could be in a dilly of a pickle, depending on how personally liable she is for her husband’s debts.

The upshot is that with all that pressure the two don’t talk anymore – not with out the mediation of a referee anyway. They just scramble around trying to make some cash. So JLo has her reality TV gig (AI is hoping that she can be the new Simon Cowell – while she can be just as unpleasant can she be as witty and entertaining? Probably not, but she can still get paid for it, which has been the secret of her success, up till now), and Marc Anthony is booking every gig he can line up.

That ain’t all he’s booking either. Insiders are telling tales out of school from Marc A’s tour; tales about him getting drunk and friendly with other young ladies (Now the IRS might drive anyone to drink, and JLo could drive any man into the arms of other women). Remember that old saying about most marriages cracking up over money issues? Well at this point I’m guessing that the only thing preventing an immediate divorce is that it would screw up the IRS paper work, and no one wants that right now.

Mama Mia


Speaking of Celebitchy, they’ve just done a fascinating article on the cultural impact of American reality TV overseas. Let’s put it this way, now well mannered Americans have something else to apologize for; in addition to George W Bush, and a public education system that renders young adults too retarded to compete effectively on game shows or in beauty pageants!

trashtastic – oops we did it again!

Guess who made writer of the day, again (over 12 times so far) on zimbio.com?

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Jennifer Lopez Threatens Ricky Gervais @ GG’s

People are still talking about Ricky Gervais and the Golden Globes. One of the talkers is Jennifer Lopez. In an interview, posted below, Jennifer said that while Gervais’ routine was good fun, it was also a little strong. The fact that most of Ricky’s targets were right there in the room made the situation even more socially awkward. As Lopez said, she kept looking nervously around the room to see how many of the mentioned were sitting around taking the routine in.

Lopez shows that she’s a good sport and gets it by going on to say, with a mischievous smile on her face, that she cornered Ricky backstage. Lopez was also a presenter, and as she was getting ready to go on she collared Gervais and told him that she would beat the shit out of him. She reminded him that she was from NYC, and that booth she and her husband – Marc Anthony – fight. Than she said some other stuff that couldn’t be repeated on morning chat TV. In fact there were more bleep bleep’s than a road runner cartoon. Here’s Jennipooh to describe the situation in her own words.

http://o.aolcdn.com/videoplayer/AOL_PlayerLoader.swf

So if we know anything about JLo it’s that the chick ain’t one but shy. She’s also a pretty good sport. If she can bring that combination to American Idol this season it should make for some entertaining viewing. Especially with Wild Card Steven Tyler seated right beside her. Now you’d have to watch for that alone!

http://o.aolcdn.com/videoplayer/AOL_PlayerLoader.swf

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Monsters Inc.

The creators of South Park have rushed in where angels would fear to tread. They had a big episode planned in which they intended the to portray the Prophet Mohamed (Peace be upon him – for our Muslim readers) in a bear costume. The segment never made it to air. Wiser heads prevailed, and the segment was pulled. Those death threats may have had something to do with it. A fatwa may boost the show’s ratings.

A fatwa did wonders for Salman Rushdie and the Satanic Verses. I’m told it was a mediocre book and otherwise uninteresting, but bagged a bunch of awards on basically a political angle – like Aleksandr Isayevich Solzhenitsyn/Алекса́ндр Иса́евич Солжени́цын and his Gulag Archipelago. Except that Solzhenitsyn was actually a very good writer! He bagged a Nobel Lit Prize for that back in the days when the USA was trying to embarrass the commies on the world stage. That strategy backfired since Solzhenitsyn had gone religious during his imprisonment, and took the opportunity to decry the materialistic West. “At least in Russia we have oppression. Here you have nothing!

It also badly backfired with chess prodigy Bobby Fischer. The powers that be thought he would be the ideal instrument to beat the commies at their own game. However Bobby went mad from pressure, or possibly KGB microwaves beamed into his dental fillings. He died in Iceland still talking about how happy he was that 911 had happened, and polishing his tin foil hat.

As for Salman, he is married to Padma Lakshmi, so politics does have it’s perks! In the long term it might be a bad career plan for Matt Stone and Trey Parker, especially if they got killed or something. This ain’t FOX News you’re dealing with, although FOX has racked up their own fatalities – Dr Tiller “the Baby Killer”.

Speaking of trouble accused sex offender and esteemed director Roman Polanski is one step closer to a long anticipated return tot he land of the free – but not for any life time achievement award. A California appeals court has throw out his appeal to get his statutory rape charge dismissed.

Polanski shouldn’t have relied on appeals, since he’s not very appealing. Charles Grodin, who worked with him on Rosemary’s Baby described him as an asshole. They had a disagreement over a scene in the film. Grodin, as the doctor, has to give Rosemary some unusual news. Grodin paused before delivering his line, since it seemed the reasonable thing to do. Polanski insisted on redoing the scene with no pause, explaining that he was paid big money to direct films. Grodin went on to reveal that Polanski irked others on the set. Apparently John Cassavetes wanted to haul off and deck the little pervert. Sounds like someone is losing the support of the Hollywood community!

There’s another Muppet Movie on the way. Now you might think that a Muppet Movie in this day and age wouldn’t stand a snow balls chance in hell. Especially without Jim Henson – the prime creative force behind the popular puppets. The Muppets aren’t worried about that, they have an ace in the hole. They have a new character named Walter or something. Unless Walter is gay, or insults the Prophet Mohamed, I think that the film might not generate enough interest. Also I hear that Jennifer Lopez may be playing the role of Miss Piggy, with Marc Anthony as poor hen pecked Kermit. That might be worth a look see, especially if JLO delivers the dreaded karate chop to her husband! Hiyaaaa!

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Jennifer Lopez Back-up Plan with a vengance

There has been a rash of alcohol related celebrity driving mayhem recently. So here’s a special Wondertrash musical dedication to all the Mel’s, Lindsay’s, and Heather’s out there – Nervous Norvis with the classic Transfusion!

Puff’n’Stuff

Jennifer Lopez Back-up Plan with a venganceNow to move on from made man catastrophes to natural ones. Not much has been heard about JLo’s movie career since she deep 6’d Ben Affleck’s. That was way back in the days of Bennifer. Ben should’a known better. Jennypoo didn’t do much for Sean Puffy Puff Daddy Diddy Combs (hence forth to be referred to as The Puffster, for the sake of convenience), even though the Puffster basically made her what she is (boy does he have a lot to answer for).

Puffster produced her album, and the If You Want My Love video that was Jennypoo’s breakthrough. The next thing you know the Puffster was under investigation for discharging a fire arm in a night club. JLo and her big fat ass was at he scene of the crime. Some women have a way of throwing everything off kilter simply by being there (note Joan Collins as Edith Keeler in Star Trek episode “The City on the Edge of Forever”). Worse, witness claimed that they saw the incriminating fire arm come flying out from the roof of the Puffster’s limo as he and JLo sped away.

Seems that show business types figured out, eventually, that Lopez and her out sized ego were poison to anything they touched. So she had to settle for appearing in the tabloids, buying her husband Marc Anthony aka Ms. Money’s Honey, pro sports teams, and buying her twins diamond studded baby rattles. The last one is no exaggeration. She also buys them designer baby duds that she never lets them wear twice. Back in her restaurant days she even had a truck load of gourmet food dumped in to New York harbor for God knows what reason. Maybe just for the hell of it.

Now it’s been ten years since Bennifer, and some types who don’t learn their lesson have decided JLo’s colorful past is water under the bridge, or gourmet food into the harbor. So they’ve made the extremely foolish decision to back Lopez in another starring role – The Back Up Plan. JLo’s ego is up for it too. Movie posters feature JLo and her costar Alex O’Laughlin, but only JLo’s name, featured prominently above the film’s title. As if anyone would go to a movie based on her being in it. Jersey Girl proved that folk won’t even pay to see Lopez die on screen.

So what are we to make of this? Well let’s hope that the movie’s backers also have a back up plan, just in case history repeats it’s self again. This could be another No Reservations!

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