Breaking Biden

 The following might be true, but probably isn’t because I made it up while my mind wandering during last night’s presidential debate!

After last night’s vice presidential debate people are asking themselves “Joe, what the fuck got into you?” Usually he’s Joe Gaffworthy, the guy you gotta watch cause occasionally he says things that got lost in translation, between speaker and listener. If people were waiting for one of those Joe Biden moments last night, though, then they got way more than they bargained for by getting more than they ever expected. Joe not only wiped the floor with Paul Ryan, but screwed the kid around  like he was a sailor on leave with a double dose of Viagra. Such a big change from the understated Biden from the Palin debate has people wondering if he really is on something like maybe steroids!

Joltin Joe

Well my fictitious sources tell me that the Veep ain’t juicin’, not on synthetic chemicals anyway. Joe Biden is in fact relying on a special blend of herbal pep pills to get his mojo in top gear for the difficult and challenging days ahead. It all started a while back. As you know Joe ain’t a spring chicken any more. Even though the job of vice pres is far from challenging – in fact a major job requirement is the being seen and not heard – Joe felt he needed a little something to put the spark in his plugs.So, & on the recommendation of Al Gore, he began taking Korean Red Ginseng. After a week he was all go, & in a month Biden was over heard bragging that he “feels like Bill Clinton!

gotta get the zinger back in the droopy drawers

Now pep can be addictive. However it was the disappointing Obama debate that pushed Biden to extremes.  Party insiders privately felt that the president had dropped the ball, & was in danger of letting the team down. Quite frankly the Beltway Dems were frightened that they’d be out of work in about a month, as the White House got packed to the brim with more Mormons than Howard Hughes Las Vegas penthouse back during the ‘saving his urine‘ crazy days! Let’s face it, Wash DC was in danger of turning into a Donnie & Marie Osmond Bros family reunion!

Joe Biden is a one man stimulus package waiting to happen!

Aware of the growing malaise within the democratic party’s inner circle Joe Biden decided something had to be done. The last time the dems had an attack of malaise was during Jimmy Carter and that lead to Ronald Reagan and almost 15 years of republican government. Only Good Time Willie snapped liberals out of their slump. Rather than let that happen again Biden boosted his ginseng dosage. He also began blending it with an exotic cocktail of herbal all natural mood elevators and energy boosters! Stuff like wheatgrass, moringa, royal jelly, tumbo tortu, kava java, etc. This would usually be mixed together in a blender and then served up to the Veep in a Red Bull smoothy!

Paul Ryan might be pretty, but it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing!

The stuff worked like a charm.Within days Biden was barreling around the white house like a fireball! “Just relax and let me take care of it Bar” became his new catch phrase. By the time the debate came around Biden was like a rocket twitching on the launch pad and ready for take off. However it had some side effects. Stuff like the smirking, and laughing to himself, that people noticed. Plus the debate had to be switched to a sit down round table type format. That’s because since Joe has been on the new energy booster routine he’s had a more or less permanent erection! So naturally they couldn’t do the thing standing up. Stimulus packages aside – viewers might see more than they were supposed to. Like a whole different kinda Big Bird! Then they might vote Democrat for all the wrong reasons!

“This shit has changed me from what I was into what I can be – So I’m Jack Kennedy now!”

Dems are pretty happy about last night’s performance. Joe left em happy. However they’re not necessarily wanting more. For one thing they’re a little concerned about those twitchy side effects. Not that they thjink he could gamma ray over dose and turn into the Incredible Hulk. They are afraid that a turbo charged Joe Biden could go berserk and then run off on some pre election sexual rampage. Though sex scandals have helped make the democratic party great, and might even be long over due, it’s the last thing the party needs right now. So the back room boys are trying to talk Biden in to toning it down. They want him to cut out the weird herbal junk mixed up with red bull, and maybe cut back to the simple red ginseng tablets. Joe’s only reply is if they’ve run into Sarah Palin lately and if she asks about him. So they’re working on a secret plot to get the veep into rehab should he start to go completely out of control. Today Sarah Palin, tomorrow Paris Hilton!

borrowed mojo

Meanwhile the President is very supportive of the idea. Besides he’s been seen lately hanging around the veep’s office and rummaging through the medicine cabinet in it’s private washroom. Aides aren’t to concerned about this because the Pres seems to be getting his old confidence back. Also Michelle is privately saying that “Barack hasn’t been this frisky in years!” A few insiders are expressing concern about the President’s recent facial & muscles twitches, but hopeful organizers are writing them off as a pack of George Stephanopouli

Remember to keep reading wondertrash because we’re a stimulus package that’s always in a swing state!

Enhanced by Zemanta
  • Calendar

    • December 2020
      M T W T F S S
  • Search