Gisele Bundchen is the Sundance Kid

one stone short of a pile

https://i0.wp.com/fc09.deviantart.net/fs20/f/2007/274/7/f/fashion_model_by_Fygomatic.jpgEvery so often some model or actress is not content with beauty & undeserved accomplishment; they want to know everything too. Sharon Stone used to claim to be a member of Mensa, and play chess games in public restaurants. She’d go in with a friend, pick a seat and place her order. Then she’d complain about the service being to slow and spread out the chess set. By the time the meal arrived, often promptly, Prof. Sharon would insist that the servers set up the meal around the chess board; because she was deeply immersed in her smart persons game and couldn’t be distracted.

Then Mensa revealed that they had no record of Stone ever being a member of their organization. Plus evidence of her claimed 162 IQ was harder to come by than Barack Obama’s birth certificate. So the chess board disappeared. Stone is one of many such examples, right up to Gwenyth GOOP Paltrow opening up a website because you need to know how much better than you she is at everything.

I have something to share with the world – my opinion!

Then of course there’s Angelina Jolie who feels the need to write for the Economist and meddle in international politics. So she’s Hollywood’s #1 busy body (I’m waiting for the inevitable day when she calls child protective services on a neighbor, and it comes out 2 weeks later that she herself is an unfit parent! – “I thought no one would notice my glass house if I threw enough rocks!” might be a possible explanation in that case.). Considering her forays into the world of journalism, some of us wish that she’s concentrate more on Middle East Peace and the Economy. The only catch in that is journalism is a relatively harmless pass time, where as if you fuck up international diplomacy you’re featured on CNN (the great thing about journalism is that it provides an opportunity to use other people’s failings as a means of creative expression with out actually learning anything from those failings!).

Boobs moves up in the world!

Now it seems that there’s a new latest and greatest addition to the ‘what the world needs now‘ list. This notable is none other than Gisele Bundchen. Bundchen started life as “The Boobs From Brazil“. That’s what people in the fashion industry called her because of her most prized assets. Besides Elle MacPherson already had the moniker of “The Body“, so Bundchen would have to be content to specialize, for awhile.

I guess when you make a shit load of money for being a pair of buckets hanging off of an over extended ladder (she raked in over $17 mill last year and that was a slow year for her), you’ve got something to prove to the world. Something like you’re not just a body without a brain. Gisele makes up for this with her mouth, but not in a smart or effective way. She works her Brady hole by expressing flaky and outlandish opinions of the “I know better, and probably even best” variety.

Like the time she had her son Benjamin and went around acting like she was the first woman in the history of the world to ever give birth before. She was giving a lot of interviews to the effect of “I don’t know why all these silly women need sedatives and a team of surgeons to give birth! I just did some yoga and exercise, to keep myself in my usual top form. then I prepared myself mentally for the ordeal with a little mediation and pop – no problem. I didn’t feel a thing!“.

Booby Trap

While Bundchen was coming off like some kind of Wagnerian super heroine run amok – Bundigard: The Jaws of Life; others were speculating about what the hell had gotten into her. Was this a case of German efficiency again rearing it’s ugly head? Have Gisele’s nether regions received so much traction action in the past that she really can’t feel anything, perhaps because friction has worn the nerve endings off? Or could this be a developing case of Megan Fox style hoof in mouth disease from another pretty girl with something to prove?

Boobage out of bondage

Sadly Dizzy Gissy wouldn’t shut up. She went on to expound on the Science of Motherhood with more thoughtless and unfortunate public statements. Like she only breast feeds little Benjamin – and not just to give his future girlfriends inadequacy issues either. She considers it to be essential to the development of young Wunderkin to the point that it’s tantamount to child abuse for a mother to with hold the boob. That’s even if that boob ain’t from the Vaterlund by way of Brazil, too! The Breast Nazi went even further and said that if it were up to her mothers would be forced to give up there milk to their suckling infants, maybe even with the invention of some special group of Breast Police! The way she was running her mouth you’d think that the poor girl was competing for the Noble Booby Prize.

‘I wanted to be very aware and present during the birth… I didn’t want to be drugged up.
‘So I did a lot of preparation, I did yoga and meditation, so I managed to have a very tranquil birth at home.’
Soon after, Bundchen caused controversy by declaring that breastfeeding should be a ‘worldwide law.’
The synthetics-obsessed model told Harper’s Bazaar: ‘Some people here [in the US] think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think “Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?”
‘I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.’
She later apologised for her comments saying: ‘ Becoming a new mom has brought a lot of questions, I feel like I am in a constant search for answers on what might be the best for my child.’

you scream, I scream, we all scream “Sun Screen!”

Anyway for anyone who’s still reading the other shoe has dropped. It’s dropped out of Gisele’s mouth, probably because her feet spend so much time there. This time Gisele is venturing off the topic of motherhood and farther a field into Gwenyth Paltrow’s general lifestyle turf (you realize – this means war). It’s was only natural, I suppose, that such an Ubermom would eventual tire of the topic and need other things to occupy her heroic interest! For one thing Gisele is concerned about sun screen. She’s not concerned in the normal sensible sense of people getting sick. Gisele is concerned in the flaky opinionated celebrity sense – that is she’s afraid sunscreen is full of toxic chemicals.

if you can’t be a model then at least you can work the night shift!

According to Gisele sun screen contains poisons, that if smeared on your skin, even the common course stuff you and I have, and not the really nice stuff she wears around – could make you very sick. ‘I cannot put this poison on my skin,‘ the 30-year-old said. ‘I do not use anything synthetic.‘ To that end she advises people to go out in the sun before 8 AM, or wait until late in the afternoon. Simply straightforward practical advice anyone might use – if they keep supermodel hours (even show followed by an alight bash). For the rest of the world those are vampire hours. You can almost imagine Gisele stumbling home from some fashion blowout in the we hours of the dawn, stopping before her apartment door to take a breath and clear her head, and then thinking to herself “This feels so good, I wonder why I’m the only one who’s thought of doing this?

experts are concerned about common sense, and to a lesser extent UV Rays

Now Bundchen’s latest public tongue wagging has some people concerned about the effect of her voice on common sense (and since these people are experts and not models, their opinions carry less weight). These are people like Dolival Loao, head of dermatology at Brazil’s National Cancer Institute. Loao said: ‘Sunscreen prevents damage to the skin and is of fundamental importance for the prevention of cancer.‘ He added: ‘This is not any poison, when a public person makes a statement like this, it creates confusion.‘ Congratulations Gisele, we knew you were special but now you “this is not any person” status is backed by expert opinion! Although if he’s really concerned about Gisele’s influence on the public he needs to get out of the lab more.

don’t get burned by listening to celebrities

So the experts think that Gisele is really ‘something else‘, but what’s the word on sunscreen? For the record this comes out of the UK – where naturally they know all about sunlight. It comes out so rarely that when it does Britons gather round and pay very close attention. Anyway Jessica Harris, of Cancer Research UK said: ‘Using sunscreen with at least SPF15 can help to protect your skin, along with spending time in the shade and covering up with clothing.‘ She also reassured Bundchen saying: ‘Sunscreens are fully tested before they can be sold and are not harmful to the skin.‘ So maybe the Brits don’t know everything about sunlight, but give Ms. Harris credit for some scientific awareness!

https://i0.wp.com/fc03.deviantart.net/fs31/f/2008/196/2/a/Rogue__G_Bundchen_by_rikki17.jpg

are Gisele’s problems more than skin deep?

So it’s official: sunscreen is good, and Bundchen is an “ignorant, sanctimonious cow“. I’ll be relieved if it’s only that simple. Sometimes, when a celebrity starts talking about health, and chemicals, it can be a sign of deeper and more serious issues. Like the presence of a new and wacky belief system. For instance John Travolta’s wife claimed publicly that her son’s non autism was caused by household cleaners. Now to be clear she wasn’t admitting that the poor child had autism – it was a Scientology approved condition called Kawasaki Syndrome; but still cleaners could’ve caused the autism if he actually had that. Man that makes less sense than Ms. South Carolina trying to find the United States on a map (or George W Bush trying to find weapons of mass destruction, for that matter!). Point is that Kelly Preston is Scio, and that effects how she thinks.

some direct statements a lot of “WTF?”

Jenny McCartney made some similar statements about her own son’s autism. Not that she denies the kid has it; she’s very direct about that. It’s just that she thinks it was caused by vaccinations or something. So no parent should ever have their kid vaccinated now according to her, because it’s not like we’re back in the days of polio or anything anymore. Now we don’t know what sort of belief system that Jenny’s bought into; but she’s an actress, and lives in LA, so it’s a safe bet that she didn’t come up with this on her own.

so how big has Gisele’s head gotten lately anyways?

So that brings us to the case of Gisele. If this is only some model at the end of her career trying to hang on to attention, then it will be the lesser evil. Worse case scenario is that she’s mixed in with some crowd who filled her head with a lot of crap because there was nothing already inside to get in the way. If that’s the case, then the real reason Gisele is hanging around out side @ 8 in the morning, and avoiding sun blocking chemicals, could be something as disturbing as this!

if you can’t keep it in proportion, then put it in perspective!

It should be mentioned that staring directly at the sun is believed to cause eye damage. The link isn’t really proven – like that between lung cancer and smoking – still it’s better to be careful. If you must look at a blindingly bright object, then make sure you wear industrial grade sunglasses, or a welder’s mask; and put on some damned sun screen! As for Gisele, try not to be too concerned, unless her next public statement is about chemtrails – and Gisele dear, try not to let you head get to big because that’ll only make your boobs look smaller.

https://i0.wp.com/fc05.deviantart.net/fs13/i/2007/096/5/e/Gisele_Bundchen_3_000_by_VeGgY101.jpg

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Miranda Kerr Officially Knocked Up

Miranda Kerr was rumored to be pregnant for awhile. It started on a recent vacation with Orlando Bloom. Kerr was uncharacteristically bitchy. So Bloom had to go around apologizing for her. He also made some explanation. Bloom told hotel staff that Kerr was not her usual effervescent self because she was in the family way. Now this wasn’t an official statement, but since it came from her new husband, everyone assumed he knew what he was talking about, and went with the story. That only left it to Kerr herself to confirm the story. Well Kerr has finally come out and made it official. Here’s a short video clip on that:

Dr Laura still didn’t mean shat she said

In other news disgraced radio busybody Dr Laura Schlessinger is still trying to salvage the remnants of her media career. The good doctor blew it when she used the N word repeatedly during a conversation with a caller seeking advice on dealing with racist in laws. Dr L also told the woman to lighten up and to have a sense of humor.

That went over about as well as expected. Sponsors balked and soon Dr Laura announced she would be leaving her long running radio show to continue the good fight in a less restrictive medium, like blogging. She insisted that her 1st amendment rights to be as offensive as she wants to be were being curtailed. She mentioned nothing about her employers right to cut loose someone who gone from an asset to a liability in about 60 seconds.

Dr Laura has had some support. Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin tweeted words of encouragement to Laura, telling the good doctor to reload instead of retreating. Now since an endorsement from Palin is about as good as a baby food endorsement from Chinese melamine manufacturers, Laura probably figured that she needed to do something else to save what’s left of whatever public image she ever had.

So Schlessinger gave an interview to the Hollywood Reporter. Schlessinger is never at a loss for words – so the interview ran on and on. Most of it is what you’d expect: Laura talking about her views, her rights, her hurt feelings – she’s the very heart of sensitivity! She also mentions that she might be taking her show onto Sirius XM (I hope she knows that’s Illuminati owned – the dog star is sacred to that bunch!). However at one point during the interview she mentions that she was talking the whole brouhaha out with some friends over dinner. One of the friends was black, and the other was gay. They all had a good laugh about it. Here’s what Laura said:

Schlessinger: I went out to dinner with three friends after Larry King (on Wednesday). One of my friends who is gay is sitting there with another friend who is black, and he looks up and says, “I wonder what the media would do with this? You’re with a black guy and a gay guy.” We laughed, because we all understand what this is really about — censoring a point of view.

So now you know that some of her best friends are black and gay (BTW the black guy is probably her bodyguard – the same one she likes to play basketball with cause white guys can’t jump. He might also be the gay guy. I can’t imagine Dr Laura having 3 friends these days.) ! In the interview Laura also goes on to say that she never called gays a biological error, that she opposes same sex marriage because she believes that men should still pay for dates – but they shouldn’t get anything, and dismisses some of the wilder rumors about herself: like she’s had affairs with married men, was pregnant before marriage (she hedged on that one), and that she has a slew of illegitimate children that no one knows about. Oh yeah, she also discusses which movies and popular songs she hates, and goes on at length about what’s wrong with America today (basically the problem is that no one is listening to Laura – but you’ve heard that before).

You can read the full interview @ Yahoonews, where you can also find out about Laura’s latest merchandising enterprises, like her new book on betrayal and revenge, plus her new IPhone app “Dr Laura’s Moral Compass”. She describes it as like a Magic 8 Ball you use for relationship advice. Apps are big so that might be promising, though it only has a limited number of responses so far. They include “you’re acting like an unpaid whore”, “that’s not love, it’s called humping”, and “go do the right thing”. So basically the you can have the full Dr Laura radio experience without the show!

Aniston offends mentally disabled by comparing them to actors

BTW Dr Laura isn’t the only one who had an unfortunate attack of foot in mouth. Jennifer Aniston had a Dr Laura Moment on a recent Regis and Kelly appearance. Jennipooh was answering some questions about her recent Babara Streisand tribute. Streisand is a show business god, who’s name even makes spell check; and was reportedly pleased with the shoots (in entertainment flattery is the sincerest form of flattery!). So this should have been a bright shining moment for Aniston.

Things went sour when Regis – that rascal – commented that Aniston was basically playing dress up. Aniston replied that’s what she did for a living, and then added “just like a retard”. So naturally some folk were none too pleased. Spokespersons for the mentally disabled were mad.

Actor’s might have been even more peeved. After all Aniston was using the term to describe the acting profession. So she might as well have said “We’re just a big bunch of retards in this business”. Now considering how seriously every one in the entertainment business takes them selves this was a collective slap in the face! That would have to be extra insulting considering how supportive the Hollywood community has been to her after Angelina Jolie stole Brad Pitt from her. So basically Aniston’s career as she knew it is over. Let’s take a look at the moment when it went down the drain.

http://www.viddler.com/player/a8dbdc4d/

Now you can’t blame Aniston for being a bit ungrateful Sure she’s had some good movies and a string of success. However it’s got to grate playing pathetic single women who can’t get laid in film after film after film. This has got to be at least the second movie in which one of Aniston’s main romantic interests has been a turkey baster. That’s got to hurt. So something was bound to slip out sooner or later.

Besides, the in-Hollywood fall out from this is bound to give Aniston more time to search for real love in real life. It’s an ill wind that blows no good – though you still might want to watch what you say. That is unless your supermodel girlfriend is pregnant – then go ahead and shoot from the lip!

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Celebrity War Crimes

naomi campbell suspected of perjury in war crimes trialEven a casual follower of celebrity gossip must be well aware that celebrities are great ones for breaking rules. Usually the rules are of the mundane variety like drinking and driving , drug possession, or occasionally sexing up an unwilling recipient. Sometimes a celebrity rises well above the set expectation of scandal. Someone like Naomi Campbell.

For those not in the know Naomi is a British supermodel best known for repeated assault charges and occasional rehab stints. Ms Campbell has recently risen well above her scandal expectation. The Brit beauty is currently participating in a war crimes tribunal.

It all goes back some years when Ms Campbell was the guest of a notorious African Dictator. The dictator in question is accused of using ‘blood diamonds’ to fund guerrilla activity. The guerilla activity has been linked to some things that have caught the eye of the international community. NOw the dictator in question has alway denied not only involvement in the alleged war crimes, but also trading in blood diamonds.

This is where Ms Campbell comes in. A few years back when she was a guest of said dictator, along with such international luminaries as Nelson Mandela., she received a unique gift. According to Ms Campbell she was awakened in the middle of the night by a messenger who presented her with a blood diamond.

Now Ms Campbell claims that she didn’t know who it came from. In fact she didn’t even know that the diamond was a diamond. She claimed she received something that like like a dirty little pebble. The was no word on who the diamond was from or what it was for. Nomi must be in the habit of getting strange gifts from anonymous admirers!

Anyway Naomi took the stand in an international war crimes trial to swear to just that. IN breif her testimony boils down to “I got something from some one I didn’t know and I wasn’t sure what it was.” Since Naomi is a model and they’re not normally Mensa material that was believable enough (especially to a group of people who were hoping that Naomi would go away and that we wouldn’t have to hear anymore about her). However there has recently been some contradictory evidence.

Actress Mia Farrow – best known for getting dumped by long time companion Woody Allen in favour of one of her numerous foster children – has taken the stand to swear that Campbell is full of it. Farrow claims under oath and threat of perjury, that Campbell met her at breakfast and showed off the muddy little trinket. Further more when the model was asked where she got it from, she indicated the dictator. If this is true then Campbell knew exactly what she was getting and who she was getting it from.

So if Mia’s sworn testimony can be believed then Campbell committed perjury. So that a load of legal woe a good site more than she’s used to. Since it’s a war crimes trial it’s a good dsite more trouble than 30 days in rehab can get you out of. However Campbell’s testimony is crucial. If it can be determined that Campbell got the blood diamond from her dictator friend, then it undermines his testimony that he doesn’t deal in the forbidden stones. Furthermore it links him to the activities of the guerrillas that he has disavowed any knowledge of. So Naomi is the weak but crucial link in a chain of evidence. That could make her perjury extra complicated. So is Naomi war criminal by association? This story is still developing – check back soon

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Gisele Bundchen pisses off every woman in America!

gisele bundchen annoys millions of women by trying to subject their breast to the lawIn case any one was wondering what Gisele Bundchen was going to do with herself now that her career as an overpriced clothes horse is drawing to a close – don’t worry, she has a back up plan. It involves more than attending New England Patriots games too! Gisele has decided to try her hand at being a great big loud mouth!

Bunder’s blunders

Sometime shortly after giving birth Bunders realized that she had something to share with the world – her opinion. She was was so sure that even though she’s only been a mom for a few short months, she figured that she could help all those stupid bitches out there get it straight. So Bunders loaded up that great gaping yap of her’s and then let fly – like a blunderbuss.

“There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”

Gisele started on an issue close to her heart and something that many women are bound to feel sensitive about – boobs motherhood. Bunders said in an interview that there should be a law forcing every woman who has recently given birth to breast feed for a minimum of 6 months.

“Some people here [in the US] think they don’t have to breastfeed and I think, ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your children when they are so little?”‘

Bunders said some other stuff too (“Meditation prepared me mentally and physically. I wasn’t expecting someone else to get the baby out of me”) but it all boiled down to the same shit: “I am not only better than you as a woman, but also as a mother!” Naturally some broads out there took this as criticism or something. So the shit hit the fan. That had Bunders doing some frantic back peddling, on the advice of her managers (part of whose job it is to keep Bunders’ great lumbering No 12 clod hoppers out of her mouth).

I can explain!

In a slightly incoherent blog statement Bunders explained that when she said that there ought a be a world wide law, she didn’t mean to to imply that it should have anything to do with the law – or in Bunders own words “My intention in making a comment about the importance of breastfeeding has nothing to do with the law.” Which is of course why she brought up the law, because it didn’t have anything to do with what she was talking about. Well that was clarifying, or in other words “You can stop talking now, dear – so STFU!”

Naturally people are pissed but many want to give Bunders the benefit of the doubt. After all she’s a model and most of them aren’t Mensa material or anything. So maybe she just didn’t know what the fuck she was saying. I’d buy that except that Bunders has on other occasions shown a steak of cattiness lurking behind that big dumb grin. When Tom Brady’s ex Bridget Moynahan gave birth to her son John, Bunders publicly laid claim to the lad with words to the effect of “I don’t care if he’s already got a mother – the kid’s mine! I’ve already got Moynahan’s man so why shouldn’t I have her son too?” Now that’s not exactly ver batim, but the words were to that effect. She also sent Briget a baby gift basket with a mini “supermodel” T shirt included.

It’s too soon to say if a pattern of hoof in mouth disease is developing. However one thing we know about celebrities is that they love attention. When they can’t get it by taking their clothes off and posing for pictures, then some times they’ll try and get it by shooting off their big mouths and becoming public nuisances. So Bunders may be moving on to Plan B – a career as an outspoken idiot and a thoughtless opinionated asshole.

If that’s what she’s got in mind then she should probably forget it. We’ve seen how well verbal diarrhea worked out for Megan Fox (man were her 15 minutes up quick!). Bundchen might even enjoy continued notoriety by taking up something related to the entertainment field. Perhaps even sports. With her stature and physique she’d be a shoe in at the Kentucky Derby. Besides a really strong bridle might even help her with that annoying verbal run on problem. Giddy up girl!

BTW brace yourself for next week’s issue of the Pulitzer nominated National Enquirer!

national enquirer
Meanwhile from the good people @Star & associates:

Star People Us Weekly In Touch Life & Style OK
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The Secret is out, but is anyone still there?

victoria's secret b team

Remember the Victoria’s Secret Girls? They were more popular back in the days of Heidi Klum & Gisele Bundchen, before Adriana Lima got knocked up. Well the VS “B” Team is still around, as this video-graphical evidence by way of Popeater proves!

click below
http://o.aolcdn.com/videoplayer/AOL_PlayerLoader.swf

click below
http://o.aolcdn.com/videoplayer/AOL_PlayerLoader.swf

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Miranda Kerr – Hot Pink Bikini

Now appearing without camel toe!

Photos courtesy of CelebrityPictures

Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts Photo Shooting in St Barts
Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts pictures Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts pictures Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts pictures Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts pictures Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts pictures Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts pictures Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts pictures Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts pictures Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts pictures Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts pictures Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts pictures Miranda Kerr In Pink Bikini Boy Shorts pictures

There’s a distinct lack of camel toe in the above shots. Some previously posted pix of Ms. Kerr from a David Jones fashion show in Australia look as if her crotch is about to swallow her bikini bottoms! Her pet beast must be hungry!

In other news: Some one who won’t be wearing a bikini any time soon is Kevin Federline. For on thing he’s guy, but besides he’s gained a ton of weight (not literally since a ton would mean about 2000 pounds -he seems to have put on a mere 1/10th of that) since his Brit split. The former dancer blames depression, related to the divorce, for his weight gain. Federline, who sounds like he might be practicing an Oprah spiel, goes on to say that depression has robbed of the energy it takes to remain slim and trim, by sapping him of the will to do anything. Not that he ever seemed especially motivated to do anything.

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Supergirl


I know it’s been mentioned before but “Heidi’s Back”! It’s amazing what lipo and a tummy tuck can do. Now you didn’t think that it was her German genes and pilates did you?

A modest proposal: Chewing the fat on celebrities

Some day some one will get the idea to put all that liposuctioned celebrity blubber into hamburgers and a million dollar idea will be born! It’s the same idea as deli’s naming sandwiches after washed up movie stars only it’s hard core and edgy! Why cash cows like Kristie Alley and Oprah Winfrey between them could keep such and enterprise in business! Throw in Rosie O Donnell and you’re recession proof. Between those 3 there’s enough flab to feed major portions of the 3rd World! The trick is to get them before they get old and turn to grizzle, like Pamela Anderson.

Pamela Anderson

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