Gossip Overload

Heather Locklear hospitalized

Things are heating up so hold on to your hats. 1stly Heather Locklear is back in hospital. She’s had an off and on battle with booze and pills for over 15 years. She kept it a well hidden secret by drinking on the sly and checking into hotels with a sobriety coach to dry out. It came to light back when her ex Richie Sambora started seeing Charlie Sheen ex Denise Richards. The strain may have been too much for Locklear and she went off the wagon. That’s when her years of secret drinking got out.

The on and off battle is on again with a vengeance. TMZ is reporting that Heather has been admitted to hospital for a booze and pills overdose. Heather’s sister found her and phoned authorities on 2:05 PM. That’s when the Verntura County Sheriff’s Dept got involved. Paramedics who arrived on the scene decided Heather needed to be hospitalized. This comes on the heels of her bust up with former Melrose Place co star Jack Wagner.

Lindsay Lohan – Lien on me

Locklear isn’t the only celeb having a hard time of it lately. Lindsay Lohan specializes in hard times and things are now getting seriously hairy for her. She’s had her brushes with the law from time to time, and usually she comes out ahead. This time the big guns are pointed straight her way. The big guns in question belong to the IRS, and these dudes don’t mess around.

Now everyone who’s been following Lindz knows that she’s run into some serious fiscal trouble lately. That’s because she’s been out of work for awhile. Paying of a pack of lawyers to keep her ass out of jail didn’t help the situation. Some stories have had her bumming money out of friends at the super market check out so that she could afford her Ben & Jerry’s. Her current situation is more serious. Seems that she owes Uncle Sam about $93 000 that she neglected to pay. SO the IRS is putting a lien on her.

Lindz, through her spokes persons, says that shew as unaware of the problem. That’s believable, since for one thing she’s had a lot of plates spinning. Sources also say that the tax bill got lost in the shuffle – Lindz recently replaced most of her financial management. The problem should be easy to fix. Lindz recently got a million dollar pay day for doffing her duds in Playboy. Besides, if things really get rough there’s always Dancing With the Stars!

Sinead O Connor in crisis

A mess with the IRS is bad but it could be worse. It seems to be for radical Irish songstress Sinead O Conner. If you’re beyond a certain age you’ll remember that she’s the one who tore up a picture of the Pope on SNL to protest Andrew Dice Clay’s participation in the show! Clay’s Jewish so it didn’t really make sense – but it was a long time ago.

Lately Sinead’s been erratic. Things started out innocently enough. She had a gig to cut some tracks for some new album. She got herself a Twitter account about the same time. At first the tweets were straight forward – the “hi how are ya” kind. There was even a good dose of self effacing humour – “I’m a gal you can take anywhere twice, the second time to apologize“. Then things started spiraling out of control.

Sinead got married to some guy. It only lasted 16 days. Then she started tweeting about how she needed a man real bad, especially if he was Robert Downey jr! She tweeted that she was developing some strange preoccupations with fresh supermarket produce, what without a good man being handy. Finally she took to the Tweet to ask her followers if they knew any good shrinks in the Dublin/Wicklow area. She explained that she was crying out to the world because Ireland is a poor place to look for help. Well it’s now been revealed that Sinead has attempted suicide a couple of times recently – once by overdose after a performance in LA last Thursday, in which Glenn Close was in attendance! Hopefully things will improve for O Connor.


Lucky Stiffs

Fame is like being the stiff at your own funeral

Remember when Randy & Evi Quaid went off their heads and sought refugee status in Vancouver? They claimed that organized bands of “starwhackers” were targeting the rich and famous, like themselves, for death. The motive was money. The Quaids maintained that with unpredictable and flighty stars out the way, unprincipled business types in three piece suits could gain control of their royalty streams in perpetuity. They could then cash in! Naturally everyone laughed. Sensible folk assumed that the Quaids had gone off their flighty little Hollywood heads, perhaps with the help of crack, meth, or some other substance that required a stint in Dr Drew’s Celebrity Rehab!

Now there is some validation for the Quaids flaky theories. In a story unrelated to the Quaids, 60 Minutes recently covered the new phenomenon of dead earners. A dead earners is a dead celebrity, or “delebrity” as their handlers call them, who continues to make a mint even after passing from this veil of tears.This was made possible by some innovations in law that allow the celebs’ estates to continue marketing the celebrities’ images even after the celebrities themselves have parted company with them. Before that once a famous person died their image, likeness, voice, etc were up for grabs. Any shrewd marketer could stick James Dean or John Wayne on a T shirt or lunch box and cash in to their hearts content. Once the law got changed the estate could put the image etc to work earning money for an indefinite future in a kind of postmortem indentured servitude. To think that they laughed when Scientology offered adherents billion year contracts. Those billion year contracts proved to be decades ahead of their time!

Now milking dead celebs of their residual fame has become a lucrative and even multi billion dollar business on par with developing social networks for the Internet. The agent interviewed in 60 Minutes brags representation of some 250 show business and sports figures the majority of whom lost their vital signs many years back – celebs like Marilyn Munroe, James Dean, Elvis Presley, and the mother of all lucky stiffs Albert Einstein! That has made him, his colleagues in the deleb business, and the estates of the dearly departed wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice! How wealthy you might ask? Well as an indication Michael Jackson earned more last years than her highness Oprah Winfrey!

Jackson has had a real career resurgence since dying. While he lived the poor man was dogged day and night by pedophilia rumours. Nor was that the only image damage he had incurred. He was easy tabloid fodder as stories emerged of him hanging around Bahrain dressed as a Muslim woman, and their were frequent references to the poor man’s freaky plastic surgery. It was believed that he’d had skin bleaching to deblack himself, and that he’d lost his original nose some where long the way. The nose was believed to have been replaced with a paraffin prosthesis which was uncomfortable and could start to melt at high temperatures. So Jackson began leaving the schnoz at home and wore a surgical mask on his infrequent but hi profile jaunts out into the real world. That sort of alleged behavior earned him the moniker of Whacko Jacko and made him unmarketable. His last live venture was a series of performances in London which bombed hard. At the time of his death the Prince of Pop was in debt bad.

Once he died everything changed. Whacko Jacko wasn’t about to mess anything up anymore. So his image was due for some rehabilitation. The Jackson 3 where trotted out at the memorial to proclaim that Jackson was the best dad ever. That kind of killed the pedo stories. Also Jacko got a promotion from Prince of Pop to King – just like his late but still lucrative father in law. A few weepy testimonials from ex wife Lisa Marie Presley and the deal was sealed. Jackson was cleaning up with a vengeance! No one is quite sure where the money is going since the Jackson clan, including his beloved mother, claim that they haven’t seen one thin dime out of the estate handlers. Yet no less an authority than Forbes Magazine declared him the top earner of the year.

So with all these death benefits racking up that brings us back to the Quaids. The whole dead earners angle seems to add even more validity to their flaky story. That validity comes in the form of one of the strongest principles of the lot – quo bono. Quo bono is a fancy Latin legal way of saying “who benefits?“, and in effect means that when there’s a ton of loot to be made there will be some pretty unprincipled operators maneuvering around like sharks on chum to take advantage of the wind fall. If that sounds pretty far fetched then remember that the more decimal points you add behind the dollar sign the less far fetched the scheme seems. Besides, considering how all those corrupt wall street bakers carried on, would you put anything past an executroid in a suit? Now here’s that 60 Minutes piece that puts it in perspective with a lucidity and relevance that Gary the Spaceman Bell might envy!


That was unintentionally convincing wasn’t it? In fact it might have some of the more conspiratorial minded among you asking “who’s next?” It’s very doubtful that there will be any kind of organized mass cull of celebrities though. Business doesn’t work that way, only power politics. It’s probably closer to the truth that Mark Zuckerberg, in collaboration with Bill Gates and the Rand Corporation are even now developing complicated ‘personality simulator‘ algorithms for computers. That way the current crop of delebrities can be made to do even more with out the need to add to their ranks. They would continue to annoy and irritate ordinary people much the way hologramatic prat Arnold Rimmer did with average guy Dave Lister on Brit com space parody Red Dwarf.

Lively lately – Making the transition to suspended animation

So Walter Cronkite might come back to host the CBS News again, should Katie Couric finally be encouraged to leave. Or Johnny Carson could be conjured up and help NBC with the Leno problem. Since their response parameters would be programed in to some control program; they would make the same remarks, tell the same jokes, and use the same stock phrases as when they were alive. In fact even careful observers wouldn’t be able to tell the difference from the hologramtic delebrity’s performance, and their rote routines performed back in life. That is unless some hot shot programmer tweaks the algorithms for charisma, intelligence, emotion, or independent thought. Then the jig would be up when viewers began noticing that their favorite entertainment personalities seemed to lively lately! Let’s face it, 80% of popular entertainment is the art of repetitiveness.

Speaking of freaky conspiracies here’s the latest full broadcast of Gary Bell & the View From Space!

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Tiger & Elin are done


Tiger Woods’ multi million dollar divorce from Elin Nordgrin is a done deal. Now that was only a matter of time ever since Tiger’s sleazy secret sex life became public. Gossipistas will recall that the Woods story came to light over the course of a wild and wacky weekend in which a text message meant for Tiger got intercepted by Elin. That resulted in one of America’s shortest getaways, a battered and toothless Tiger sprawled semi conscious across the front lane, and Elin trying to explain to CHP’s why she was holding a bloody golf club in her hand. Oh yeah and Tiger’s mother in law had a minor heart attack and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital, after passing out in the bathroom.

After that Tiger’s world unraveled as slut after slut after slut came forward repeating the same story of pills, cheap sex in expensive hotels, and Tiger lying to Elin so he could keep on keeping on behind her back. Elin wound up looking almost as ridiculous as Sandra Bullock. So naturally the divorce talk started. Tiger’s worth upwards from 1 billion, and Elin was in line for a good chunk of that change.

For awhile it looked like they might patch it up. Tiger astonishingly persisted in playing golf – though now very badly. Elin released a statement that the divorce was on hold pending his performance in the Master’s tournament. Naturally he screwed that up, and the divorce was back on. The only question was how fast would they get it done.

Well word has come out to day that they have finally got it done, and even now the ink is drying on the divorce papers. Reports have Elin cashing in to the tune of 100 mill to 750 mill. Meanwhile Tiger’s income has dropped by as much as 100 mill. He lost 35 mill in endorsements, plus the rest in anticipates tournament winnings. There’s just no such thing as safe sex.


Letterman Blackmailer Guility

Rogue 48 Hours producer Robert Halderman happened on a little get rich quick scheme involving sex, revenge and 2 million dollars. The idea occurred to him when he discovered that his girlfriend was still seeing her former boss David Letterman. When I say that they were seeing ea ch other I mean that they were seeing all of each other! Inspiration can be a funny thing.

Well Bob decided that the story of his betrayal had to be worth something to some one, so he dashed of a little screen play. Then being the gentleman that he is, he decided to let David Letterman have first crack at the screen rights – just to show that there were no hard feelings. Well no good deed goes unpunished and Dave decided that this gesture was more of a shake down than a good turn. “Whoa this is blackmail” he claimed the police explained to him when he reported the incident. Now I’m sure that Dave is clever enough not to require an explanation. In fact that was probably in his mind when he went to the authorities.

Well the upshot is that between the jigs and the reels Haldermen got busted walking out of Dave’s office with a check for 2 mill in his hot little hand. That lead to the aforesaid public mea culpa in which Dave tried to take responsibility for his actions by distancing himself from them. The angle worked out so well that Dave might well teach a class in celebrity mea culpa. Of course Big daddy Dave had a little help from Late Night Musical Chairs fiasco that’s been going on lately. The Olympics were kind of distracting too.

Events were not to be so kind for Robert Halderman. Despite the loud and aggressive noises of his attorney, Bobby was facing an uphill battle in the court and in public opinion. Gravity eventually won out and Halderman pleaded guilty in a plea bargain. The conditions include the usual gag order in which Bob isn’t allowed to go writing any scripts based on Dave, or any characters with a coincidentally resemblance to Dave. So case closed.


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Broke Pam Anderson Appearing @ Sears!

Hawker meets gawkers – but something smells fishy

Have you ever wanted to smell like Pam Anderson? Well there’s no need to go out and get a rub down with rotten sushi ’cause Pam will be appearing @ Sears in the Woodfield Mall, in the great state of Illinois, this very Saturday between 3-4:30 PM. In addition to meeting and greeting her fans, not to mention entertaining gawkers and passerbys, Pam will be hawking her new fragrance – Malibu. It has been previously mentioned that Pam is seriously broke and will now do anything for money, but has the situation really become this bad. She’s due to appear on Dancing With the Stars this season and her low rent Sears appearance might cheapen that whole reality TV experience!

is this chicken or fish?

Roll up, roll up! – a rotten sushi rub down with just a hint of baby seal

I love the way the ad says that she will be celebrating her new fragrance. Celebrities don’t demean themselves; it’s a party and everyone’s invited (although Sears seems like an odd place for a celebrity celebration)! Apart from a shaky grasp of the language, and the truth, the ad shows something about that celebrity mind set – they never know when to cut the bullshit. I just hope that this ‘fragrance’ wasn’t animal tested, although now might not be the best time for Pammy to be high minded. There are no people like show people, God help us. At least she won’t be debuting or premiering her new fragrance.

Update: Speaking of show people there’s some fresh news on Naomi Campbell: yes a cell phone was involved in the alleged assault – that’s consistent with Campbell’s MO, and no the model will not be charged. She has better luck with the authorities than fellow Brit Peter Doherty! Plus the argument was over a man. The limo driver in question also drives Naomi’s married Russian billionaire boyfriend. While being chauffeured about Naomi suddenly remembered that the guy was driving her boyfriend around last year. She had tried to recah them both by cell phone and there was no answer. Naomi was worried that the fellow was cheating on her and so confronted the driver. One thing lead to another and as so often happens when one thing leads to another for Naomi, she had to hot foot it from the scene of the crime. Her panicked reaction proved to be the wise movce in this case, since one of the excuses the cops are giving for not charging her is that there were no witnesses.


Down and Out in Beverly Hills

Sometimes we can be so self absorbed that we fail to recognize other people have problems too. Take poor Conan O Brien. A mere 4 or 5 weeks ago he was offered the job of a lifetime, when Jay Leno went off to conquer prime time and reshape TV. The timing seemed right too, since Late Night’s reigning top David Letterman gun got caught with an itchy trigger finger.

Then, over a span of days, things changed. The normally ambitious Jay got tired of being the future of TV, and wanted his old spot back. David Letterman’s troubles, far from ruining him, boosted his ratings like a shot of Viagra! Worldwide Pants were bigger than ever and Conan had failed to stem the flow – like so much sub standard latex. Jay’s show was bad, but since things were going even worse for O Brien, that created a pretext for deciding that the whole switch up was a mistake. In plain English: Jay wanted his old job back.

That left NBC with a conundrum on their hands. Keeping 2 jokers happy might take some deft juggling. While Leno and O Brien took every opportunity to drag NBC through the muck, network big wigs put their heads together and came up with what they though was a satisfactory solution: Jay got his spot back and Conan would get to keep the title. Should for any reason Conan be unable to fulfill his Tonight Show obligations, then the next runner up would complete the remainder of his tenure.

Well Jay seemed pleased enough, but Conan was still a little miffed. He issued some missives about disgracing the legacy of Johnny Carson, and made it clear he wasn’t going quietly. That’s when NBC pulled out their big gun. Conan was under contract to NBC – so they could pull him, and merely keep him off the air until it ran out. They could also prevent him from taking on any side projects. In other words O Brien would be in the penalty box indefinitely. So this is how they intended to treat the man who’d kept 100 000’s of Americans bemused for over a decade! To think that they call David Letterman’s ‘screen writer’ associate a criminal – that’s some nerve.

Things seem to have sorted out, though in a less than ideal fashion. NBC has bought out COB’s contract. He’s a free agent. The on string attached – “no badmouthing NBC in future gigs”. So Conan is free to look for new work, plus he gets a hefty buyout/severance package. Maybe it would sound better if NBC called it a “bonus” like all those bankers got for helping to screw up the economy? Either way it leaves a forlorn and unappreciated Conan making his last walk through the NBC parking lot, with his head down, his shoulders slumped, and a briefcase bursting with money dangling awkwardly at his side. Now there’s nothing left for him to do but slink into his custom Porsche and drive off into the sunrise. ‘New York – this is your last chance!’


Briston Palin Opens a PR Firm

So this isn’t the basis for a reality TV series?

They grow up so fast. One day they’re getting knocked up by high school hockey player, the next their opening public relations firms, and allegedly helping funnel money around the Republican Party back rooms. At least she’s taking an interest in the family business. She’s also doing some thing credible with her life; almost as credible as what Levi Johnson is doing with his!

levi johnson naked playgirl

Credibility problems: Why settle for credibility when you can be completely incredible?

The politicians have been the professional reality TV players for years, you can’t blame them for not wanting to get blatantly into the business. Then Reality TV performers might feel that they have a real shot at public office. Sarah Palin’s campaign is as close to “Octomom for President” as most sane people ever want to get!

An incredible image!

BTW look over Levi’s right should and in the steam you can see the image of Sarah Palin! Now is that a miraculous event, subliminal advertising, or some one’s idea of a joke?


Going Broke Gotti

Remember when they said that “Crime Pays”? Well that was back before Freddie Mac and Fannie May (though Haliburton has made out like bandits). These days crime is not the financial hedge it was. Take for example NY Post writer, gossip columnist, reality TV show host, & and Gotti family member Victoria Gotti.

Now there were always questions about that $4 mill Long Island she lived in, and in which she taped her reality TV. Vickie has always been right up front about the private premises: She got that swanky mansion fair and square from a mobbed up ex husband! How ever she got it she’s loosing it. The Long Island mansion has been seized by creditors bay in May.

More about celebrity foreclosures over @ Forbes.com. I hear that poor old Nicholas Cage is down to his last Bavarian castle. Theirs only one answer of this Hollywood financial carnage and that’s an all star fund raiser! Don’t laught, it would be worth it to prevent the potential onslaught of celeb based reality TV series!


Platinum Pamela

Pamela Anderson’s money pit

Pamela Anderson has been hustling hard recently. She unveiled her fashion line in Australia with Richie Rich. She flashed the crowd during that one (in times of trouble you stick with what you know). She was also recently in Toronto trying to raise her profile by raising awareness to the plight of baby seals (to do some awareness raising of our own, baby seals basically eat, shit, and look cute – like many celebrities). Now while Pamela denies that she’s broke she does admit to some financial troubles. It seems that her new renovations have run seriously over budget. Over budget means by 1 million dollars!

So what exactly has Pamela blown her money on while she’s been living in a trailer and waiting for her house to be completed? Well for one thing she’s had her pool lined with platinum. Now FYI costs way more per ounce than gold. Pammy is having the whole bottom of her pool set with platinum tiles. So the cost is bound to mount up. Still Pamela feels that the whole procedure is totally worth it. As she told the BBC: “This is where the magic happens. I’m tiling the floor with platinum – that’s expensive.” As for what sort of magic happens in the platinum tiled pool, I’ll leave that to your imaginations, and your dirty minds! I wonder if she’ll invite the baby seals over for a swim? Now that would be a photo op!


More Controversy for the Jacksons


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