you had Catherine Zeta Jones all wrong!

About 12 years back, when Michael Douglas started going with Catherine Zeta Jones, a lot of people raised their eyebrows. She was a young beautiful actress on the make and he was an influential and very much older self confessed sex addict (Douglas later recanted his confession). So everyone jumped to the obvious conclusion – he was taking advantage of a woman out to cash in on youth and beauty.

The partnership paid off pretty good for Zeta Jones too. She got cast in a bunch of big budget block busters, one of which – Traffic – Douglas produced for her. He stated somewhere that he wanted Traffic to do for CZJ what the Godfather did for Al Pacino. She also bagged an Oscar along the way. Based on the cui bono principle some cynical types felt that this confirmed CZJ had married for fun and profit. It even had some waiting for cheating/divorce rumours to break.

Well 12 years and 2 kids later CZJ and Michael Douglas are still very much a couple. What’s more CZJ is putting her film career on hold. Actually she put that on the back burner for awhile, and spend time with her husband and kids down in the Caribbean. However since Michael Douglas has been diagnosed with throat cancer she’s put it on the back burner with a vengeance.

My Week With Marilyn

Zeta Jones has recently been offered some interesting film roles. One of them is in a flick based on the making of the Prince and the Showgirl. That was the Marylin Munroe flick done at Pinewood Studios and co starring Larry Olivier. An all star cast has already been lined up too! Marylin will be played by Michelle Williams & Olivier by Kenneth Branaugh. The whole story will be told from the point of view of a fly on the wall – studio gofer Colin Clark – who will be played by Eddie Redmayne. Judi Dench and Emma Watson will also be participating in the flick.

That only left some one to play Olivier’s aging and mentally unstable wife Vivien Leigh. Leigh had been a movie goddess back when she played Scarlett O Hara in Gone With The Wind. Things took a bad turn for her while playing Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire on the London stage. Streetcar was the story of an aging southern belle who cracks up when faced with the prospect of growing old, combined with a tumultuous Stanley Kawolski relationship. Leigh was getting on at the time – which probably made producers think that she’d be perfect for the role. However her husband Olivier was a notorious philanderer so the combination of personal issues combined with the pressure to doing a ‘too close to home’ project 8 times a week for 2 years lead to Leigh having a mental breakdown (she was diagnosed as schizophrenic).

For some reason when the producers thought about casting Leigh they thought of CZJ. They’re both Brit gals who conquered Hollywood so it seemed natural enough. Plus CZJ is getting on – though to give her credit she’s in far better condition than the significantly younger Pamela Anderson. Since it covers a significant episode in Hollywood history, this might be a prestige part for CZJ.

There is a fly in the anointment. Michael Douglas has recently been diagnosed with a severe case of throat cancer. In fact recent reports say that it’s much worse than originally thought. So Catherine Zeta has passed on the role so she can spend more time at home with her husband. Movie commitments would take up far too much time, and CZJ wants to stay close to home during the crisis period. That’s uncharacteristic behavior for a woman on the make and motivated by ambition. So maybe now all those nay sayers will have to own up and admit that the couple has something!


Reviews & Previews

The Social Network was number one a the box office this weekend. That’s the film about the 25 your old billionaire Mark Zuckerberg, who started a 25 billion dollar company as a university prank and alienated every friend he ever had in the process. Well no one ever said that you make friends by winning. Which makes it ironic that Zuckerberg’s company is none other than Facebook.

The film portrays Zuckerberg as freakishly intelligent and hopeless awkward socially. His arch nemesis, the guys he’s accused of stealing Facebook from, are twin 6’5″ meatballs (2 meat balls with only one ‘dick’ head between them) who rowed for Harvard, and for America in the Olympics. They basically sit back and let themselves get ripped off because fighting back would look bad, a violate an unrealistic and antiquated set of Harvard standards that even the university president finds laughable. So while they’re waiting for the world to turn back their way, Zuckerberg expands into dozen of countries and makes himself a shit load of money.

While he’s at it he hooks up with Napster’s Sean Parker, who is happy to encourage Zuckerberg the way the devil encouraged Eve in the old Testement. Parker is well played by Justin Timberlake, who manages to give Parker the right blend of obnoxiousness, pushiness, and sheer gutlessness. Parker sweet talks his way into Facebook after 2 failed ventures of his own by dazzling Zuckerberg with talk of revenge, sex, and eventual world domination. It’s at that poitn that the film devolves into a kind of humourless Revenge of the Nerds type storyline.

The movie is good, but might easily have been so much better. Zuckerberg and Parker become smary smug scapegaots of the piece. They’re depicted as over brained & under hearted assholes who carry a chip on their shoulders for not getting laid in high school. Yet everyone else in the film is some how complicit in Facebook’s dubious success: like the college students who enjoy comparing fat chicks to farm animals, or rating co eds based on relative hotness (there’s an algorithm for that!). The Meathead Twins don’t come off looking very good. They supress they urge to slap Zuckerberg down because they don’t want to come off as dumb jocks – a la Karate Kid. Then there’s the slightly moralizing lawyers who none the less circle around for the kill.

So the movie might have looked at the social context of college, and society, that made Facebook not only possible but unbelievably successful. It might also have looked at how new information technology is re arranging the way the social game is being played. It verged on that but never write got there. What it did do is add some serious momentum to Timberlake’s acting career by way of his impressive supporting performance. So it’s a highly enjoyable film that’s well worth seeing.

Now here are the official BO returns for the weekend. Not surprisingly Mr Zuckerberg is once again No 1!

Hot bad asses are always popular right? With that in mind Nikita is being remade once again. Here’s a little preview on that!

Needs more gratuitous bondage, like CTV’s Castle! Speaking of cartoonish hypersexuality and violence, guess who’s making an appearance on Smallville!

Then of course there’s CSI Miami!

Those aren’t the only previews. Hot on the heels of a bogus UFO sighting in Montreal – this one was witnessed by a gynecologist; he’s a credible witness ’cause he’s used to seeing things – comes Gary Bell and the View From Space. This week’s program centers on Imminent Disclosure!

So they’re here already and the government – through mind games like predictive programming – are preparing your consciousness to accept the truth; which may or may not be true depending on the agenda in play. Just keep alert around the 13th, or the 31st, or which ever combination of numbers are Illuminati significant for more UFO news. If it’s not actually disclosure then there’s bound to be some kind of UFO related story in the National Enquirer, or on Youtube. It might even show up on NBC. It’s just another small piece being added to an ever growing puzzle!

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Paris Hilton Busted for Cocaine

more hookery than usual

paris hilton mugshotSeems like Paris Hilton can’t stay out of trouble for very long. Just last night she was put cruising on the Las Vegas Strip (and outside outside the Wynn Hotel) when she got pulled over by the cops. Las Vegas’ finest observed what they thought was marijuana smoke coming out of the window of Hilton’s black Escalande. Now since Hilton probably wasn’t participating in a vote by the College of Cardinals – even online – the fuzz felt that they had could grounds to further investigate.

Further investigation revealed that Paris had cocaine on her. Not much cocaine, but just enough for her to be charged with a count of felony possession (class e). In case you’re not a regular Law & Order viewer a felony is more serious than a misdemeanor. In fact it’s a big league criminal charge! That lead to Paris and her new BFF Cy Waits to get booked into Clarke Country Jail.

Though the charges were serious, Paris skated only a few short hours later, on bail (thanks to lawyer David Chesnoff). She was busted at approximately 11:30 PM. By about 3;30 Am she was back home again and on Twitter. Now she made no Twitter mention of her recent misfortune. She just popped online long enough to tell everyone that she was home, getting ready for bed, and watching Family Guy. Oh yeah, and “xoxox, everyone” from Paris.

As for poor Cy, well he wasn’t so fortunate. Even though he’s the very man who helped Paris thwart a home invasion by a gun wielding intruder earlier in the week – he didn’t get sprung along with Paris. Cy had to wallow in prison under a charge of driving while intoxicated. So whether or not crime pays, we can say that Paris is a poor person to stand next to when lightening strikes. Though she has an excellent raincoat, she doesn’t provide much coverage to anyone else.

“the-drugs-weren’t-mine” defense

BTW Paris already has a fantastic alibi that might even make an unlikely legal defense. The coke was found in her purse, and she claims that the purse isn’t hers. This is the same defense she used earlier this year in South Africa, where she got busted for pot possession. Sources say the fact that she got released so quickly on bail is an indication of how seriously the prosecution is taking the case. The fact that her boyfriend de jour Cy Waits got held may indicate that he’s being set up as fall guy – but who knows. The drugs were found in her purse, and she was the only woman in the car at the time of the bust. Paris however insists that she had just come from a night club where oodles of women, and their purses, were present. So maybe she grabbed up the wrong purse because she was too stoned to notice. Anyone would buy that if they were on a jury, right? Perhaps, if jury duty lowers your IQ by 15 points!

Also the above mugshot of Paris shows her looking as good as ever. Hopefully she will whether this storm as she has her others. The pressures of fame can take a lot out of you. Take Sarah Palin for instance. She’s been America’s heart throb ever since John McCain discovered her as a running mate via google search (Since then Sarah has moved up in the world, and onto Twitter! She always was an ambitious girl with an eye to her future!). Though she was an attractive lady at the time, her brush with fame has left her looking the worse for wear. Just take a look at this most recent Sarah Palin picture!

sarah palin candidOf course she got herself prettied up for her big Tea Party Rally. On a totally unrelated note – for our Sunday Wondertrash matinee: here’s an example of how movies can make anything look good, especially evil – with Triumph of the Will.


Worth Her Salt?

So is Angelina Jolie finally over? The buck toothed big lipped actress has been dominating the entertainment industry for years, despite not really having delivered any major box office wins for quite sometime. In fact the last thing she was really successful in was Tomb Raider. Since then she’s stunk up Clint Eastwood’s The Changeling, tormented the life out of Brad Pitt until he began looking like the forth member of ZZ Top, and has done some successful cartoon voice over work such as Kung Fu Panda (she currently signed on to reprise her work in the up coming sequel). Oh yeah, and she has inspired inexhaustible sympathy for Jennifer Aniston.

oh schmuck! bumbling idiot out does sexy bad ass

With the results from her latest (and lastest?) outing Salt in, it doesn’t look good. Salt opened in the #2 spot trailing Leo DiCaprio’s Inception. Inception dropped about 35% in box office returns from it’s opening to it’s second week but still managed to handily beat Salt by about 15 mill. Worse still, in Salt’s second week out it was beaten down to 3rd place by Steve Carrell’s Schmuck. Jolie was always prompted as the world’s #1 movie star. Yet she’s failed to deliver the kind of game changing performances from some one expected to carry a film.

Back in the old days Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson were Hollywood’s top game changers, who could turn a decent film with a mediocre script into a no 1 with blockbuster box office returns. So far Jolie has failed to deliver like that. That means her career might be on the bubble, and she might not make it onto next years A List. To get front row center at the award show circuit every year you have to do something more than show up with Brad Pitt and a mystery bump in your belly!

The fact is that with an opening of 30 mill, or whatever Salt pulled in, the producers might have gotten as good results from the more affordable Milla Jovovich. Jovovich has managed to get #1 openings for most of her main films. A few of the Resident Evils had opening day results superior to Salt (one of them opened to 48 mill I believe). Even Ultraviolet took the #1 spot on it’s opening weekend, & that was a film that even Milla fans described as ‘shitty’ (Which I thought was harsh. It was no worse a movie than the recent A Team.).

It’s not really Jolie’s fault. She’s a case of the Peter Principle applied to show business. She was Hollywood’s #1 supporting actress back in her Girl Interrupted & Gone in 60 Seconds days. She was good at it too. Given a strong cast and a good script she could add that little extra fire to make the project really memorable. Let’s face it though, Jolie is at best a hood ornament, or a spark plug in the machine. She’s not the main drive component that a Cruise, or a Gibson, was.

Yet Hollywood seemed to have bought into the sex sells theory and assumed that Jolie’s magic vagina would pour out golden eggs until it finally dried up sometime int he distant future. They also narrowly defined her as an actress. They seemed to think she was only capable of playing sexy bad asses or sexy head cases. As a top supporting actress Jolie has the versatility to play a greater range of roles; maybe even romantic comedies. I could easily see her as the crazy vengeful ex, or the crazy clingy girlfriend. Why she might have even played the crazy lonely single girl looking fortrue love, or at least Mr Right! Those were chances she probably didn’t get offered, since Hollywood seemed more interested in typecasting her out of a career.

So the powers that be are probably re accessing Jolie’s bankability right now. She’s got three more movies in the bag, but about three in development. Development means that they are less likely to ever get made as Jolie’s star wanes. In comparison her nemesis Jennifer Aniston has 3 in the bag, and at least 5 in development.

It would be premature to say that the final credits are rolling on Jolie’s career as a cartoonish over the top sex siren. She could probably tack another good 5 or 10 years onto her career. That would require some serious reassessment, and serious readjustment. For one thing she’d have to go back to what she does best – supporting roles. She’d also have to line up some serious projects. Then she’d have to have a strong cast to work with. Maybe even a sequel to Mr & Mrs Smith might put a little creditability back into her resume (though the idea of and rough and run down looking Pitt & Jolie reprising those roles after almost ten years of babies, tabloid rumors, etc might be more self parody then genuine sequel – along the lines of “what do two sex killers do after hitting middle age and getting worn out with each other? Did they burn out or can the turn the fizzle back into sizzle?“). Let’s face it, even on the sex sells basis Jolie can’t be expected to carry a movie by herself. Sex doesn’t exist in isolation – by definition it needs something to play off of.

Milla: Get A Tomb Raider Performance at Resident Evil Prices!


She’s a LIttle Bit Country!

Multi talented, or at least multi tasking!

Some entertainers are multi talented: Milla Jovovich, Kris Kristofferson, Frank Sinatra, etc, excelled as actors singers songwriters. Now Gwyneth Paltrow seems determined to join their ranks. Not only has she revived her acting career with Ironman (way to go Pepper Potts!), but she has a persistently active, if not thriving web site called GOOP (her stab at being Martha Stewart – it’s theme seems to be that though you can never aspire to be Gwyneth you could improve yourself considerable with a little effort & her guidance. Some one oughta remind Paltrow that they locked the real Martha up for being that annoying, & for obstruction of justice.), she’s released a cook book, she’s maintained a marriage to rocker Chris Coldplay Martin (maintaining a marriage is a significant achievement among celebs, though it should be said that Chris and Gwynnie don’t spend much time together. When asked why she and her husband aren’t even seen on the same plane together Paltrow replied that it was for the kids – in case anyting happened to the flight.), and now she’s released a country western song!

Putting the “can” in Canter

You heard right! Paltorw’s gone country. What could’ve gotten into her? She doesn’t seem the type. A born and bread New Yorker who was too snotty for Manhattan and so had to leave it for London, Paltrow’s hard to picture at the local cowboy bar belting out the Jennie C Reilly while the wet T Shirt mud wrestling goes on behind. Still Gwynnie has a new role as a country singer – Kelly Canter – in an upcoming non Ironman movie called Country Strong.

what the fuck?

She’s got some heavy caliber help in this project too. For instance Tim McGraw is her co star (McGraw is married to Faith Hill who fucked up at the CMA’s when she lost out to Carrie Underwood and got videoed mouth “What the fuck?!” straight into the camera. After that she had to go away for a while and hasn’t found her way back yet!). Vince Gill and Patty Griffin smooth things out by doing back up.

maybe she caught crazy off of Joaquin Phoenix

As for the flick Country Strong is something you’ve probably seen before. Paltrow/Canter is a washed up country singer looking for redemption but who’ll settle for a comeback. So what possessed her to take on the role? Country based flicks have done well lately. Joaqiun Phoenix’s Walk The Line was his second greatest performance (his greatest being playing crazy – I hope that he brings that role back soon!). Then Jeff Bridges won an Oscar for his portrayal of a boozy down on his luck country crooner. Now in Follywood if something works, be it collagen lips, impulse adoptions, environmentalism, or kabballah – everyone wants in on the act! So maybe Gwynnie figures that she’s found her own shot at come back redemption and even another Oscar nom. It was either that or playing transgendered twins!


A List Plan B

Salty Bear & Sugartits

I had planned to do something about Mel Gibson this morning, maybe referring to those rumours concerning his career. I had planned to write about his plans to resurrect his destroyed career by reuniting with Oksana for a Sonny & Cher type TV variety show. The show would feature Mel, along with Sugartits, and feature the same kind of friendly banter and teasing that S&C were known for, but with that edgy quality we’ve come to expect from M&O via their infamous recorded telephone conversations. You know the kind of stuff:

Mel: “After being seen in public with you – I’ve got no fucking problem doing a movie with a sock puppet beaver!”

Oksana: “Don’t be crazy darling, no one will ever watch you in a movie! That’s the crazy talking, you need you meds!

Mel: “What?” WHAT!? I need to fucking kill you! You fucking cock sucking whore! But first you should get down on your fucking knees in front of this live studio audience – thanks for coming out today by the way. Oksana, I, and especially little Lucia, really appreciate the support. You should get down on your fucking knees and blow me!”

Oksana: “Could you please scream louder Mel? Our special guest the Kings of Leon can’t hear you, plus this crummy tape recorder you bought me isn’t picking up!”

Mel: “Crummy tape recorder? CRUMMY TAPE RECORDER?! Do you know how much the fucking piece of shit tape recorder cost? We’ve got perfectly good recorders right here in this studio! Kings of Leon? How’d you get them? They’ll give us some real credibility!”

Oksana: “Well you know I am a musician, whether you want to believe it or not!”

Mel: “Don’t push my buttons honey ’cause I’ll knock you out right in front of this damn audience – thanks again for coming out – you know I will!”

M&O: “Good night everybody and watch our show again next week when our special guest will be Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger!”

Oksana: “I guess that means Joaquin Phoenix canceled.”

Mel: “Shut the fuck up and say good night like you’ve got some class!”

Fool’s Gold

Instead I thought I’d go with another story about another Hollywood A Lister on the verge of oblivion. That would be Angelina Jolie. The verge of oblivion would be this weeks Box Office Returns. Much touted Salt earned about 31 million dollars. That’s not bad for an opening night. Except that Inception, that bizarre film by Chris Nolan starring Leo DiCaprio in another film without Kate Winslett (I assume that’s why they had to write his character’s wife as dead, and why he couldn’t make it with Ariadne! Gotta preserve that whole Titanic love story thing forever – just give the guy some breathing space. Remember what Love Story did to poor old Ryan O Neal!), the one where no one can quite figure out WTF is going on, came in number one. It earned about 45 – 49 million. That’s after a 30% drop in ticket sales from it’s opening last week. In other words Jolie’s box office performance stank worse than Tom Cruise’s in Valkyrie. Relatively speaking, this is the equivalent of Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body!

In Hollywood, on the A List, No 2 really isn’t good enough. Especially when you’re a member of Hollywood Holy Family, routinely get front row center at the Oscars or whatever other awards show is going, and are surrounded by a maelstrom of hype that you’ll eventually have to justify. Remember that Jolie hasn’t had real BO success since her Tomb Raider days. Everything after that has been lackluster -except for her tabloid appearances!

So that means Jolie might need to look at Plan B. She could get pregnant yet again. That would be good for 9 months of speculation: Is it Brad’s? Was it artificially conceived? Is it a ploy to keep Brad from going back to Jennifer Aniston? Where outside the USA is she gonna drop it or is she gonna give birth in New Orleans this time to make a political statement? Then she could make an enormous deal with People for the first baby pics. Say $20 million, her usual fee for baby pics and more than she’s accustomed to getting for her film work! You know – more of the same.

She could also do that script she’s been offered. it’s the one where she plays a serial killer who kidnaps a slutty high school cheer leader played by Megan Fox. After Stockholm Syndrome kicks in Megan decides that Angelina is her one chance at freedom from the stifling social restrains she lives with, and so becomes her apprentice. The pair then go on a Thelma & Louise rampage of seduction and destruction together, often competing to see who’s vagina can cause more damage. The idea is a promising one too, except that I hear producers have soured on Jolie, and are offering the project to Meryl Streep,with Anne Hathaway as a runaway bride, rather than cheerleader. Jolie is no longer even second in line for that one, since producers are lining up Betty White in the event that Streep passes on the deal! That would leave Milla Jovovich next up after Hathaway!

Remember to keep reading wondertrash. Though we like to think we’re the blog that can blow your mind, like an IED in your head; we’re more like the National Enquirer meets Mad Magazine! When you’re not reading celebrity gossip, remember to go out this summer and have a ball!


Oliver Stone Goes South of the Border @ GritTV

So what’s Oliver Stone up to these days? Usually he makes thought provoking, and sometimes half baked, films. Occasionally he gets a political bee up his bonnet too. This time it’s Hugo Chavez. Now Stone hasn’t gone off on Chavez in some rabid, froth at the mouth Bill O Reilly FOXNews way. I think that everyone knows Stone a bit better than that. Stone has taken Hugo Chavez’s part. He seems to think that the United States of America – the land that allowed him to become the filthy rich super director he is – is global threat #1! He’s afraid that Uncle Sam is bullying Chavez a bit too. That’s provoked his delicate sense of fair play.

So he’s prepared to bring all the weight that being a Hollywood director can bear on HC’s behalf, too. For instance he’s got some kind of flick planned on Chavez. It seems to be the kind that more people will talk about than will actually see. he’s also giving interviews to alternative media, namely some of the more upscale bloggers. Not Wondertrash – no one who’s anyone is gonna talk to wondertrash unless they do it through their lawyers. Oliver Stone, along with Tariq Ali, has given an extensive interview to Laura Flanders over @ GRITTV. Here’s the video on that right here now!

Ollie is pretty sensitive over his work, so if you want to give him a hard time about it I hear that he hangs out over @ the board under about 6 different alias. You’ll be able to tell which one he is right away ’cause he’s the pompous one. He also likes to give Bruce Willis’ aliases a hard time. You can tell which ones are Bruce cause they always extravagantly praise anything Bruce Willis is in!

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