Angelina Jolie considering pre wedding surgery?

Imagine for a moment that you’re Angelina Jolie. It’s cold out side so go and stick your mouth onto something metal and frozen, then pull your lips away quick after they’ve stuck on. That might help you get into character. Now imagine that you’re marrying Brad Pitt – according to the National Enquirer. You’ve found the perfect wedding gown but there’s just one slight problem – it doesn’t go with you’re arms. What do you do?

Well according to In Case You Didn’t Know you opt for something radical. In this case radical is surgery! You see Jolie has a slight problem with veins. It’s nothing really serious but to hear some people talk you’d think she had more lines running up and down her arms than Spiderman! Unfortunately for Jolie she’s taken the vein talk to heart. She wants her special day to be perfect. So her inner Bridezilla is taking over and deciding that nothing can stand in the way of perfection.

According to a source “Angie has always had a complex about how her veins jut out, but she never had an incentive to do anything about it until now. She’s chosen a sleeveless gown for her wedding day, and the last thing she wants is to be looking like a freak in the photographs.”

 Another source said, “Angie could probably fix the problems with her veins herself if she’d just put on some weight, but that’s not an option to her. She’s so immersed in directing her movie and working such crazy hours that food is the last thing on her mind. I’m sure that if she took the time to bulk up, everything in her life – including the toll all the weight loss has taken on her body – would fall into place. But Angie’s just too busy to eat. She’s also convinced that she needs to stay super skinny to maintain her sex appeal.”

 The source added, “That leaves her no option but surgery to tidy up those veins. The last thing she wants is for it to get worse. As she jokes to Brad, ‘I’m already vain enough!’”

Now that shouldn’t be major surgery or anything. Sounds like nothing more complicated than getting varicose veins removed. People do that all the time. Still a few extra pounds might not hurt. Back in her feisty &  fleshy prime, in those old Tomb Raider days. AJ’s fighting weight was about 130 pounds. That was at about 5′ 7″. It’s dropped a lot since then. Naturally bulking up with food and exercise can be demanding and even a full time job for the chronically slender.

However there’s got to be something less extreme than surgery. For instance she could always give horse estrogen a try! If Angelina does it then it could start a trend! Who knows where that might lead? Possibly to side effects. Once those powerful chemicals combine with pre wedding jitters the beast inside her might take over like a case of demon possession! She’d go full tilt Bridezilla! In such a  case there might be no holding her back! Are we really ready for Angelina Unleashed?

Then again maybe it’s not such a big deal. Think of it as like removing a few stray threads from a classic designer gown.

Horse estrogen & snide effects?

Today’s blog spot is dedicated to that unsung hero of Hollywoodthe Unknown Celebrity! Just because you don’t know who some one is doesn’t mean that they’re not famous. It could be that hot chick in the commercial, or that guy from the cult TV show, or even the voice from an animated TV hit sit com. For instance, you prob wouldn’t recognize Dan Castellaneta if you ran into him on the street, unless he said “D’oh”.

If you’ve gotta be famous, then the best way is being famous anonymously

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This Week from the National Enquirer

It’s a new week and the National Enquirer has some new old news for you. Tom Cruise is falling apart on the cover. The NE Claims that he’s being dragged into a gay sex phone scandal. Plus a new book is threatening to tell all on his “twisted” love life. What’s more he’s being torttured over the new Suri custody battle!

Tom Cruise ain’t the only one having some marital issues.The Kris Kardashian divorce is heating up. Now nothing gets the presses running like a Kardashian divorce and this time Bruce Jenner is threatening Kris that he can “destroy” her. We’ll have to wait for the inevitable reality TV sereis based on the divorce to find out whether or not there’s any fire behind that smoke though.

It’s not all bad news on the love front though. Tiger Woods is allegedly offering ex Elin Nordgren a cool $200 million to take him back. Tiger used to be the greatest golfer in the world. That’s what allowed him to bag a bevy of hotties on the side. Then he got caught. That surprised his faithful wife Elin. It also surprised the world. Many people weren’t aware that successful golfers could bag more groupies than rock stars. The 1980’s was a decade that continues to shape us in so many ways. it also seemed to surprise Tiger who got nervous, then lost his nerve. After that he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a shovel. So maybe he really is trying to woo Elin back, in some attempt to put his life back the way it was, The NE says that you won’t believe her answer.

There’s more to the NE than titillating cover stories. They claim that President Obama is involved in an ugly cheating scandal with a 35 year old Hollywood star. it’s so bad that the crisis has trigger 49 yr old first  lady Michelle Obama to have an extreme make over in her bid to save her marriage by looking just like her young rival! The NE promises to reveal who the actress is and what’s really going on in the President’s marriage!

Even celebrity cook Rachel Ray isn’t immune as the NE reveals she’s got caught up in a sex club scandal. Now before you get too upset it’s not Rachel who’s making the rounds but her husband John Cusimano who is allegedly a frequent flyer at New York‘s exclusive Checkmate Club. So I guess that you can infer that they play more than chess there. Anyway a former employee is writing one of those tell alls about celebrity participation at the club and Ray’s hubby has got named.

So the NE is working to a theme this week – love on the rocks. So at least give them credit for not covering the latest Robert Pattinson Kristen Stewart break up! Now go on and admit it – you want this for more than wrapping fish in! You’ll have to read if only to find out what really happened to Natalie Wood. Remember that the National Enquirer is the paper that isn’t afraid ot give you the shitty side of success. It’s a dirty job but some one’s gotta do it!

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Inside The Actors Studio – Jim Carrey

“If my career in show business hadn’t panned out I would probably be working today in Hamilton, Ontario at the Dofasco steel mill.”  

Jim Carrey was once quoted as saying that he wished everyone could become rich, famous, and get everything that they want – so that they could find out it doesn’t make you happy. He wasn’t always rich & famous though.

Jim was born in Newmarket Ontario on January 17, in 1962. The family was working class and Jim often despaired of making it big. By the time he took a job as a night cleaner at a local factory he was having some serious depression issues. An article in the National Enquirer many years ago quoted Jim as saying that he’d get so pissed off with his lot in life back then that during the night shift he would sometimes take a bat to some of the machinery. When the manager would ask him what the fuck had happened the next day he’d tell him that the floor buffer had gotten out of control.

Eventually Carrey found his way into stand up, by way of impersonations. His first gig at Toronto’s Yuk-Yuks bombed. So Carrey thought about calling it quits. However he stuck with working open mike nights and eventually paid performances. Eventually Rodney Dangerfield crossed his path and helped him with his career –  as he did with so many like Roseanne Barr for instance.

Carrey’s breakthrough came through In Living Color back in the very early 90’s. His characters like the Fire Marshall and female body builder Vera DeMilo became fan favorites. After that it was a quick rise to fame in movies like Ace Ventura. Carrey never forgot the early struggles though and one rum our has it that his first 10 million check for film  work was buried with his father as a tribute to the many who always encouraged despite his own career and financial struggles.

Since making it to the A List Carrey has had his ups and downs. He gained critical acclaim with movies like Man On The Moon, where he portrayed brilliant and quirky comedian Andy Kaufman. He’s also had some hi profile relationships, & break ups. So if he wants to say that success isn’te verything in life, he’s probably in a pretty good position to make that call.

Here’s Jim Carrey now in his interview at The Actors Studio. So if you’ve got about 30 mins then sit back and listen to Big Jim tell it in his own words. Enjoy.

So the upshot is that Jim’s life got off to a rough start but it’s turned out successfully so far.The moral of the story might well be that if you think about giving up, then think twice.


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A Boob, a Brawl, & Sofia Vergara!

Once upon a time in New York City there was a severely schizophrenic man who believed that he was being contacted by space aliens. They’d visit him during the night and whisk him away to the mother ship, where they’d implant him with their alien microchips. That way they could stay in contact with him by beaming a continuous barrage of ET space talk into his defenseless brain.

Naturally the mental health people eventually caught up with him, and the poor fellow spent some time in hospital. He’d tell the doctors about his strange alien communications and repeat what the ET’s told him. This stuff was pretty colourful and he was encouraged to write it down. The stuff got read and even circulated a bit – I guess in those journals run by mental health orgs.

Anyway his ‘visions’ were so interesting that they found their way to the National Enquirer. They took a keen interest and wound up offering the guy a job. So he goes from being a homeless schizophrenic with a jammed communicator to a tabloid writer making a 6 figure salary. There’s was only one catch. Every so often his editor would phone up his psychiatrist and ask to have his meds reduced. That was when the stuff he was coming up with wasn’t crazy enough for the paper.

The above story may be apocryphal but the point is that tabloid journalism has a crazy streak running through it. Now let’s move on to the crazy!

Celebrity Story Theater

Not so long ago in Miami TV hottie Sofia Vergara and her boyfriend Nick Loeb went out to celebrate New Years. They could’ve probably used a night out since the couple were in a tense frame of mind. Bystanders say they were arguing through out the evening. So a night of clubbing seemed like just the thing. The fact that they went to hotspot Story may not have helped. That place is run by Sofie’s former boyfriend Chris Paciello.

WhoSayPhotoEmbed.create({vanityRoot: “http://www.whosay.com/sofiavergara”, clientName: “Sofia Vergara”, vanityLink: “http://www.whosay.com/sofiavergara/photos/268482”, photoId: “http://media.whosay.com/268482/268482_lalt.jpg”, title: “Ready to recieve the new year at Bianca! Gracias @ChrisPaciello1”, width: “500”, })

Sofia Vergara on WhoSay

Now they were all adults in this situation so everyone should’ve been cool. Accounts say that Sofie and Chris are no more than friends. However the situation seemed to prey on Loeb’s already frayed nerves. So he quickly went from arguing with Vergara to arguing with a bunch at a near by table. Now you know what happens when there’s alcohol, sexual tension, and strained nerves involved. The sh!t can hit the fan. That’s what did happen when Nick got into some kind of shoving match with the party at the next table.

Well quick as a wink the club security were on him. Sofie bravely thrust herself into the fray, to support her man. The only thing she managed to accomplish however was trashing her dress – and that resulted in an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction where one of Vergara’s boobs got a public airing out. Upshot of the situation was that a battered and bruised Loeb got hussled out the back door by club security, with Vergara in hot pursuit.

Vergara & Loeb were livin la vida Lohan

So it was an eventful night for all involved. Nick got pounded after getting into an altercation with bystanders, Sofie got  exposed after her boob slipped out while she was playing peace maker, and Story night club got into the headlines. So that’s a hectic night even for Lindsay Lohan! However everything ended well enough as Sofie and Nick kissed and made up – where else? – but on Twitter! So it’s a celeb story with all the ingredients. The only way the angles would’ve been completely covered is if the party at the next table – with which Loab got into a fracas with, were a group of visiting extraterrestrials! That would be too much to wish for though!

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Coming Soon to the National Enquirer – Cher Sex Cult Shocker

Cher, a sex cult, & brainwashing!

It’s been awhile since we heard from Cher – however never fear because she’s back again in this week’s National Enquirer with a story that should put Diana Napolis into overdrive! According to their titillating headline the Oscar winning actress singer is involved in some kind of sex cult (is there any other kind?). This sex cult is heady stuff too. It’s not your good old fashioned friendly 60’s orgy where kids freaked out squares by experimenting with drugs and oral sex. The headline is promising the full MK Ultra trip with torture and abuse, not to mention brainwashing! Now you can’t have sex and torture without brainwashing because apparently the most direct way into any one’s head is between their legs. The NE also mentions “shocking secrets” but no word if the shock involves the usual electric cattle prods that sometimes get used in these ritual sex brainwashing cults. So this one is a “must read”!

Good Wholesome Fun & Other Figures of Speech

Now if you can’t read the Enquirer to find out about Cher’s pervy secret sex life, then at least pick it up to find out about Joe Simpson’s startling gay confession! He’s got a toyboy half his age & the former pastor’s wife has sued for divorce. So I guess he was telling the truth when he said those erotic pix he took of daughter Jessica and posted on line were just good wholesome fun! At the time people figured he was way too interested in photography & especially when his own scantily clad daughter was the subject. Now we know that Papa Joe just don’t swing that way. Plus when he referred to his daughter’s “assets” as “those suckers” it was just a colorful figure of speech! People must be so ashamed of themselves for having misjudged that situation, & jumping to the wrong conclusions! BTW Jessica might be devastated, but will probably soon get over it if she can figure out how to parlay this into a ‘gay following’ & possibly even ‘icon status’.

9 out of 10 people think OJ was guilty – they just couldn’t find those 10 for the jury

Then there’s also OJ Simpson‘s secret hit list. Now just because it’s a secret doesn’t mean that you can’t read about it in the Enquirer – cause that’s Pulitzer Prize nominated journalism for you! OJ was once one of America’s most beloved sports hero’s, but since the mysterious demise of his ex wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ron Goldman he’s become the biggest creep since Richard M Nixon!

Isn’t it possible that our client couldn’t possibly be guilty?

Now OJ was found “not guilty” in a court of law, just like Casey Anthony. That didn’t convince anyone of his innocence. Most seemed to think that the verdict was confirmation that the American Justice system was just as bad as the media said (& they say it’s almost as bad as the American Public Education System that keeps the justice system in business and the jails full – which is not the fault of the teachers, the government, or the students – so someone’s not being straight!), and that jury duty was for people too stupid to get out of it, or who had nothing better to do – 12 suckers good and true! So naturally when they ran up against OJ’s legal dream team they didn’t know what hit them. Reasonable doubt struck them between the eyes so hard that if you asked them what city they were in they probably couldn’t swear to it. “Can you be sure that you’re not asleep somewhere else and only dreaming you’re here? Then our client couldn’t have possibly done it!” Or this is how many seemed to see it.

American Gothic

By the time the trail was over everyone saw OJ as the man who got away with murder. That is until he eventually got busted for some kind of kidnapping armed hold up beef. People thought that had been a long time coming. They also saw him as some kind of mad dog throbbing with homicidal rage and waiting to go off like a ticking time bomb. Allegedly fathering a Kardashian didn’t help his public image any either. It did manage to dredge up a 90’s story into something resembling relevance. So OJ’s long awaited hit list is finally making it’s tabloid appearance. So if you’re feeling nostalgic for the days of grunge and “edgy” FOX TV comedies then you might want to check that out! The Enquirer doesn’t answer the question of  “what pool did they select that OJ jury from” – but Wondertrash might shed some light on that! Just take a look at the picture below!

after oj simpson's aquittal people were wonder from what pool of duds and rogues the jury was drawn from

they helped lionel hutz save Homer simpson from eternal damnation, even though he was as guilty as sin; but would they have been guilable enough to aquit OJ?

So read the Enquirer but remember that what you can’t find in the Enquirer you can get right here where the whole Celebrity Rogue’s Gallery is the specialty!

Coming Soon To Wondertrash – Super Hero Work Outs!

Superheroes, like celebrities, are usually unusually good looking. It’s a kind of job requirement – people look up to them so they can’t afford to look ridiculous while wearing their underwear on the outside. So that means in addition to the gifts God, or their animator, gave them like straight white teeth, chiseled features, and strong jaw lines, they’ve also got to boast buffed bods for their latex fetish wear.

As celebs can tell you fitness doesn’t come with out a price. Many times that price is a check payable to their friendly neighborhood plastic surgeon. Other times the price has a more personal cost, like effort and sacrifice. So that means diet & exercise can be essential if you wanna stay so good looking it’s criminal.

Red Kryptonite Ain’t Bull

Not surprisingly superheroes have their little beauty and fitness secrets. Batman does a particularly grueling version of Pilates down in the bat cave, when he’s not chasing the Joker of flirting with Catwoman. Spiderman has his own bizarre version of calisthenics that involves rigidly holding the same position for hours while hanging from a web. Superman’s body doesn’t respond well to exercise, which is a kind of side effect of his invulnerability. His body is a kind of immoveable force that can’t be harmed by bullets or helped by push ups (let’s face it when you’re that powerful you’ve got a hard time finding the right resistance level to work with). He has found a chemical method to keep in shape though, and has been secretly addicted to Red Kryptonite for years (It’s the real reason his marriage to Lois Lane broke up – though DC Comics will never reveal that. They’re totally invested in protecting his good guy image and afraid of him turning into another Hulk Hogan!).

wriggling around with Wonder Woman!

Many superhero health secrets are stuff ordinary people can’t use, unless you have access to Batcave, can spin you’re own webs, or have access to a reliable supply of Red Kryptonite (& be careful buying that stuff on the street because about half the time it’s mixed with meth!). The good news is that most superheroes have health and fitness regimes that are remarkably down to earth and practical. It’s stuff that anyone can do, even if they don’t have special powers and only aspire to looking good in skin tight clothes! So Wondertrash is working on a special interest article which will reveal which superheroes do what – who lifts weight, practices tai chi & yoga (hint – flexibility helps a super heroine in distress slip out of bondage situations!), who’s a vegan, and who’s full tilt Atkin’s Diet! So be prepared for some surprises!

super heros ahve many beauty and fitness secrets, like Superman's red kryptonite addiction
Amazon Yoga with Wonder Woman: a gentle yet surprisingly challenging way to stay flexible and strong plus “It helps me to stay loose in a tight spot!”

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Erin Moran Gets Ugly

where’s Fonzie when you need him?

Erin Moran has been having Crappy Days, according to the National Enquirer. She fell on hard times and wound up living in a  trailer park. Then she fell on worse times after she fell out with her mother in  law, who kicked Joanie out of the trailer park! That left Moran and her husband bouncing back and forth between the Holiday Inn and various other truck stop motels.

If you can’t calm down then clam up!

Things took and ugly turn recently. Moran’s husband moved back into mom’s trailer. Then he tried to sneak his wife in after mom went to bed. Mom caught on and confronted the former Happy Days star – ordering her out of the trailer and threatening the cops on her if she didn’t comply. So Erin hi tailed it on out with mom hot on her heels. The disputed carried over to the road side with mother in law, in house coat and curlers, shouting and screaming with Erin. That is until the man in the middle – Erin’s husband – managed to get in between the feuding ladies and restore some kind of calm. Considering what we’ve heard about Erin and her situation I’m not sure how you could restore calm with out a tranquilizer gun, or a mallet!

Anyhow the moral of the story is that if you think that you are having a bad day then at least it isn’t as bad as this, probably.


Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

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Enquirer shows Whiteny Houston in open casket

Whitney Houston was buried in a closed casket, which doesn’t mean that everyone can’t get to take one last look at her. That’s where the National Enquirer comes in. Their spies are everywhere and one of them managed to get one last photo of Whitney. That photo came in hand when the NE was trying to decide what to put on their cover! IN the age of the iPhone everyone can be a paparazzi!

from Views From An Old Broad

Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

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