Coming Soon to the National Enquirer – Cher Sex Cult Shocker

Cher, a sex cult, & brainwashing!

It’s been awhile since we heard from Cher – however never fear because she’s back again in this week’s National Enquirer with a story that should put Diana Napolis into overdrive! According to their titillating headline the Oscar winning actress singer is involved in some kind of sex cult (is there any other kind?). This sex cult is heady stuff too. It’s not your good old fashioned friendly 60’s orgy where kids freaked out squares by experimenting with drugs and oral sex. The headline is promising the full MK Ultra trip with torture and abuse, not to mention brainwashing! Now you can’t have sex and torture without brainwashing because apparently the most direct way into any one’s head is between their legs. The NE also mentions “shocking secrets” but no word if the shock involves the usual electric cattle prods that sometimes get used in these ritual sex brainwashing cults. So this one is a “must read”!

Good Wholesome Fun & Other Figures of Speech

Now if you can’t read the Enquirer to find out about Cher’s pervy secret sex life, then at least pick it up to find out about Joe Simpson’s startling gay confession! He’s got a toyboy half his age & the former pastor’s wife has sued for divorce. So I guess he was telling the truth when he said those erotic pix he took of daughter Jessica and posted on line were just good wholesome fun! At the time people figured he was way too interested in photography & especially when his own scantily clad daughter was the subject. Now we know that Papa Joe just don’t swing that way. Plus when he referred to his daughter’s “assets” as “those suckers” it was just a colorful figure of speech! People must be so ashamed of themselves for having misjudged that situation, & jumping to the wrong conclusions! BTW Jessica might be devastated, but will probably soon get over it if she can figure out how to parlay this into a ‘gay following’ & possibly even ‘icon status’.

9 out of 10 people think OJ was guilty – they just couldn’t find those 10 for the jury

Then there’s also OJ Simpson‘s secret hit list. Now just because it’s a secret doesn’t mean that you can’t read about it in the Enquirer – cause that’s Pulitzer Prize nominated journalism for you! OJ was once one of America’s most beloved sports hero’s, but since the mysterious demise of his ex wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ron Goldman he’s become the biggest creep since Richard M Nixon!

Isn’t it possible that our client couldn’t possibly be guilty?

Now OJ was found “not guilty” in a court of law, just like Casey Anthony. That didn’t convince anyone of his innocence. Most seemed to think that the verdict was confirmation that the American Justice system was just as bad as the media said (& they say it’s almost as bad as the American Public Education System that keeps the justice system in business and the jails full – which is not the fault of the teachers, the government, or the students – so someone’s not being straight!), and that jury duty was for people too stupid to get out of it, or who had nothing better to do – 12 suckers good and true! So naturally when they ran up against OJ’s legal dream team they didn’t know what hit them. Reasonable doubt struck them between the eyes so hard that if you asked them what city they were in they probably couldn’t swear to it. “Can you be sure that you’re not asleep somewhere else and only dreaming you’re here? Then our client couldn’t have possibly done it!” Or this is how many seemed to see it.

American Gothic

By the time the trail was over everyone saw OJ as the man who got away with murder. That is until he eventually got busted for some kind of kidnapping armed hold up beef. People thought that had been a long time coming. They also saw him as some kind of mad dog throbbing with homicidal rage and waiting to go off like a ticking time bomb. Allegedly fathering a Kardashian didn’t help his public image any either. It did manage to dredge up a 90’s story into something resembling relevance. So OJ’s long awaited hit list is finally making it’s tabloid appearance. So if you’re feeling nostalgic for the days of grunge and “edgy” FOX TV comedies then you might want to check that out! The Enquirer doesn’t answer the question of  “what pool did they select that OJ jury from” – but Wondertrash might shed some light on that! Just take a look at the picture below!

after oj simpson's aquittal people were wonder from what pool of duds and rogues the jury was drawn from

they helped lionel hutz save Homer simpson from eternal damnation, even though he was as guilty as sin; but would they have been guilable enough to aquit OJ?

So read the Enquirer but remember that what you can’t find in the Enquirer you can get right here where the whole Celebrity Rogue’s Gallery is the specialty!

Coming Soon To Wondertrash – Super Hero Work Outs!

Superheroes, like celebrities, are usually unusually good looking. It’s a kind of job requirement – people look up to them so they can’t afford to look ridiculous while wearing their underwear on the outside. So that means in addition to the gifts God, or their animator, gave them like straight white teeth, chiseled features, and strong jaw lines, they’ve also got to boast buffed bods for their latex fetish wear.

As celebs can tell you fitness doesn’t come with out a price. Many times that price is a check payable to their friendly neighborhood plastic surgeon. Other times the price has a more personal cost, like effort and sacrifice. So that means diet & exercise can be essential if you wanna stay so good looking it’s criminal.

Red Kryptonite Ain’t Bull

Not surprisingly superheroes have their little beauty and fitness secrets. Batman does a particularly grueling version of Pilates down in the bat cave, when he’s not chasing the Joker of flirting with Catwoman. Spiderman has his own bizarre version of calisthenics that involves rigidly holding the same position for hours while hanging from a web. Superman’s body doesn’t respond well to exercise, which is a kind of side effect of his invulnerability. His body is a kind of immoveable force that can’t be harmed by bullets or helped by push ups (let’s face it when you’re that powerful you’ve got a hard time finding the right resistance level to work with). He has found a chemical method to keep in shape though, and has been secretly addicted to Red Kryptonite for years (It’s the real reason his marriage to Lois Lane broke up – though DC Comics will never reveal that. They’re totally invested in protecting his good guy image and afraid of him turning into another Hulk Hogan!).

wriggling around with Wonder Woman!

Many superhero health secrets are stuff ordinary people can’t use, unless you have access to Batcave, can spin you’re own webs, or have access to a reliable supply of Red Kryptonite (& be careful buying that stuff on the street because about half the time it’s mixed with meth!). The good news is that most superheroes have health and fitness regimes that are remarkably down to earth and practical. It’s stuff that anyone can do, even if they don’t have special powers and only aspire to looking good in skin tight clothes! So Wondertrash is working on a special interest article which will reveal which superheroes do what – who lifts weight, practices tai chi & yoga (hint – flexibility helps a super heroine in distress slip out of bondage situations!), who’s a vegan, and who’s full tilt Atkin’s Diet! So be prepared for some surprises!

super heros ahve many beauty and fitness secrets, like Superman's red kryptonite addiction
Amazon Yoga with Wonder Woman: a gentle yet surprisingly challenging way to stay flexible and strong plus “It helps me to stay loose in a tight spot!”

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