Curious George & Dimpled Chad

the President is still allegedly American
conspiracy theories and the “other” Mrs. Obama

President Barack Obama has been getting some grief from conspiracy theorists since he was elected. The most notable theory but by no means the only one is that Barack Obama was born in Kenya, and so is ineligible to be President based on not being native born. It’s not the only one. Other theories say that Obama is a Muslim, and atheist, a socialist, and a Vulcan from Krypton. One theory even purports that Obama is not actually black – but an attractive white woman who began impersonating a black man when she first decided to position herself for the presidency. The idea was that since Hillary Clinton had the chick vote sown up, an another angle was needed. While that is an intriguing theory, I think that it was probably dreamed up by someone who watched White Chicks too often while stoned.

A good offensive defense

The sad thing is that the President, if I may call her that, has felt the need to start addressing this issues; which by her own words are unworthy of comment. Barack Obama, with Michelle at his side, appeared on Oprah a little while ago to assure the American People that he is in fact an American, and that Donald Trump was no better than reality TV’s version of a carnival barker. Though Donald was much gratified by the mention.

I can’t tell the difference – these faked alien birth certificates are just as good as our real earth ones!

Though Oprah never once doubted him, I guess he felt that others needed reassurance. Not everyone is a graduate in The Course in Miracles, like Oprah; so their faith might need support. Just like the Apostles on the Sea of Galilee. To that end Obama also produced evidence of himself – not in the form of bread and fishes, but in the form of a Hawaiian birth certificate dated Aug 5 1961. Not that any one believed it. It was quickly picked apart on the Internet where some of the more committed among the lunatic fringe quickly analysed it for evidence of improper extra terrestrial tamper. Of course the birth Certificate came out clean. Since the aliens are years ahead of the human race technologically (they only lag behind us in bloody mindedness, which built this planet; and along with our atmosphere is our best defence against space invaders) this doesn’t prove anything. Maybe we just aren’t advanced enough to detect the signs of their technological interference in much the way that we’re still trying to decipher the hidden meaning of crop circles using the Enigma Code, with pi as a key (Steven Spielberg did suggest that they use music as a possible basis for decoding “Just like my ET!”, but the scientific community didn’t take him too seriously. The idea would’ve had more credibility coming from former physicist James Avatar Cameron).

Coming Soon

The probably with going on the defensive that way is that you never know when to stop until you’ve past the point of no return. In public figures that can be bad. Tom Cruise was off the couch and on the way home without realizing the damage he’d done to his image on Oprah (Some one should’ve got the President to watch that episode when he decided that appearing on Oprah would clear things up). First Obama’s showing his birth certificate, next he’s peeing in a cup on Livestream – like Charlie Sheen. What would come next? Perhaps some lively Sheen’s Korner type channel on youtube, featuring the President directly addressing the American People with frequent updates on his personal life. Since his personal life is no where near as colourful as Charlie’s he should skip that. The closest thing he has to a goddess is wife Michelle and she’s been camera shy ever since she got shit for touching the Queen. “Come here and say ‘hi’ Michelle.” “Barry no.” “Oh go, on we’re on youtube!” Of course if the Pres starts addressing the Vulcan Muslim atheist issue, or pulling down his pants to prove that he is in fact a man then we’ll know that he’s gone too far; though become way more interesting!

The Nobel Award for outstanding motion picture achievement in sanctimonious high mindedness!

In this one thing at least Obama would’ve done well to have taken a page from the Book of Bush. If you’ll recall Bush was never supposed to be President either – but you didn’t hear him defending himself. He was never supposed to be pres because he stole the election – allegedly. It happened down in the state of Florida where George stole about 300 votes from Al Gore (the democratic Party’s Dan Quayle and way too interested in rain forest frogs to be relevant to tax payers, though the Motion Picture Academy and the Nobel Prize Committee liked him well enough – give those two esteemed bodies something in common!), and he did it with the help of some one called Dimpled Chad.

the Ballad of Dimpled Chad

Now I’m not sure who Dimpled Chad is, but I gather that he’s a kind of gay G Gordon Liddy. His secret identity as a gay adult film star made him a highly valuable CIA asset (like John Erik Hexum on Cover Up!). It may have been in his capacity as a spy, and not as a gay porn star, that he first got in touch with the Bush clan. Although there are those who say that he first ran into Bush family members at Bohemian Grove, during one of that club’s “no girls allowed” annual naked wing dings. The Bush Family quickly found him handy for dirty work of various kinds, and Dimpled Chad found himself on the way up in the world. However after the Florida Election Caper he found himself in too compromising a position. As daytime talk show hosts clamoured to get a piece of him, he disappeared into obscurity before he had fully emerged from it.

Bush whacked!

No one is quite sure what ever happened to Dimpled Chad. Some say that he had become too dangerous. George had him whisked away to CIA HQ for some Stan Smith American Dad style brainwashing/reprogramming. That didn’t work out and Chad had to be hospitalized long term after cracking up and starting to go “Andrew Cunanin”. Others say that George had him sold to Indonesia organized crime, as a horse collared gay sex slave. Others say that he was reprogrammed with top secret technology and is now a straight Mormon elder with no recollection of his previous life (except for that brief flicker he gets every time some well established Mormon says he’s seen him some where before, “on TV or something right?”). Still others say that Bush just had him whacked!

Deep dimpled cover

Now I’ve heard that the actual story is that Bush didn’t have him whacked – for old times sake. Though it would’ve been safer to whack him Bush retained a soft spot for the sexy young man who helped him rig an election and become both the most powerful & the most dangerous man on planet earth! Besides, sine Chad was instrumental in setting in motion a course of events that lead to the execution of Saddam Hussein, or at least a buck toothed imposture in the place of Hussein, the world owned Chad. So he had him spirited out of the country. No one is sure where Chad went. Some say South America, while others swear he’s on the Mediterranean. The stories do agree that he’s kept in grand style. George set him up with a Villa and a checking account courtesy of the American Taxpayer (and there by finding more worthwhile usages for the funds than saving rain forest frogs!).

A loose lipped old dumpling

Chad has been warned to keep his mouth shut about who he is and what he knows. If he talks too much then he could wind up as an anonymous gay male Marilyn Munroe! Since all he’s material needs are more than adequately met there’s really no reason for him to show his face. As long as he’s smart he can go on living like gay royalty! Yet having started life as a young up and comer Chad can’t help letting the story slip from time to time. That’s allegedly how the rumour has started coming to light. Chad knows he shouldn’t repeat this stuff but he likes the attention! Attention is harder to come by these days too, now that he’s been sequester from the rest of the world, and made so fat and complacent that he’s more Dumpy Chad than dimpled. The loose talk could be embarrassing, but even when it does get back to Big George, he refuses to do anything about it, except cut him another check. So the moral of the story is that if George W can overlook all that, then Barack Obama really shouldn’t feel any need to defend himself on the birth certificate issue, let alone the whole transvestite communist Vulcan Muslim thing! Although if he wants to it would make for some fantastic gossip!

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Sarah Palin split Up Shocker!

If Arnold Schwarzenegger has shown us anything it’s that there’s a fine line between celebrity and politics. Of course many caught on to that when Ronald Reagan became the first Hollywood actor to play a president on TV, officially. Another thing Schwartzy has shown us is that there’s a fine line between politics and celebrity gossip. That’s a point Anthony Wiener recently underscored by way of Twitter. It’s one thing to underscore it, but Sarah Palin has made a livelihood out of it by way of her reality TV series, her frequent & tiresome public appearances, and the persistent threat that she may run for high office.

Sarah has kept us periodically entertained and frequently irritated with her family’s over the top antics; like such as teen aged pregnancies, illegitimate children, rogue son in laws, and the like. That’s when she’s not hunting caribou from helicopters with high powered rifles or dodging her numerous stalkers. With a powder keg personal life like that it was only a matter of time before the fireworks started, and if recent rumors are to be believed – and who doesn’t like to give them an ear – the match is in the tinder box!

What’s started tongues wagging was Sarah’s recent purchase of a pricey new pad. The pad in question is down in Scottsdale, Arizona. So she’s once again abandoned her beloved Alaska! The spread cost a bundle too. The mansion is estimated to be worth some where in the neighborhood of $2 million. That sounds like it must be some neighborhood! I guess inane antics must pay off!

Anyway the upshot is that Palin’s better half, hen pecked hubby Todd, seems to have no plans to move. He’s firmly rooted up north in Alaska. So this has everyone talking about some kind of secret split up. Now there have been rumors about bad news in the Palin marriage for awhile. Like the story going around that Sarah was having an affair with a local Wasilla snow mobile dealer named Brad Hanson. Brad is Todd’s partner in the dealership, and in more than that, according to the local tittle tattle.

It gets worse. Sources say that Sarah has thrown away her wedding ring in some sort of a huff. Further more she’s kicked Todd out of his coveted place in her bed. So basically the marriage is over. What’s more a secret Bill and Hillary type arrangement has been hammered out between the pair. Todd is to appear at Sarah’s side during important public occasions. Meanwhile everything from property division to child custody has already been agreed on. The idea is that Sarah’s gearing up for a 2012 presidential run, possibly with Donald Trump as running mate, and doesn’t want any nasty divorce ruining whatever chances that she has. She wants to keep all the family values FOX News viewers firmly in her corner. Hence the pretense. Sounds like a tense pretense!

This isn’t the end of Sarah’s machinations either. She placed daughter Willow under house arrest. Willow is a loose cannon and lightening rod for bad news. She was the but of one of David Letterman’s misdirected jokes. David made a crack about Willow getting it on with ARod during a trip to NYC. When the brouhaha broke out Dave backpedaled, claiming he meant to take a jab at older sister Bristol, but get’s all those little Palin sluts mixed up. Who doesn’t? Willow also got involved in some kind of homophobic rant on Facebook. Sarah put the clamps down on that. Even though she believes that marriage is something between a woman, a man, and possible his snowmobile dealership partner; she doesn’t want to antagonize anyone with a vote. Probably very wise. The upshot is that Willow has been pulled out of school and is being home schooled. Those little Palin sluts are just too damned dangerous to be let out in public and Sarah ain’t taking any chances!

All this grape vine rumor mill gossip leads to one very disturbing conclusion: Lucy Ricardo is actually serious about running for America’s highest office! Since republicans figure that Obama is invincible this time round – he did finish off Osama Bin Laden, which their diabolical hero George W made such a big deal about so they’re not in a position to say much, though they never shut up, at least on FOX – she’ll probably get the nomination. No real contender wants to waste the one shot at the brass ring. So the heavy weights are gonna wait until 2016. You’ll probably say “So what? She’ll never get it.” except that’s what everyone said about Ronald Reagan.

So that leaves President Sarah as a worst case scenario. That’s enough to set a tingle in the guts of even the least nervous among us. however you ought not to worry too much. If history repeats it’s self, as it is doomed to do, then if elected she’ll probably bail out half way through her term, perhaps to pursue a motion picture career in Hollywood. So that leaves us with only 2 yaers of mischief to worry about. Those two zany mad cap years could resurrect the careers of political satirist like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.

Have you ever wondered why Hollywood celebrities seem be off their rockers on a regular basis? Well the answer to that is easy and straight forward. According tot he work of Fritz Springmeier it’s because they’re a pack of brain washed zombies. The poor little dears have been programmed using some pretty harsh mind control techniques developed by the CIA, in cooperation with the Illuminati, called Project Monarch. This is also why celebs, like Drew Barrymore, run in families. It’s because the predisposition to be brainwashed – which depends on be able to enter a disassociative state – is hereditary. The trouble is that the brainwashing has side effects, and every so often one of the beautiful people goes ca ca cuckoo! Don’t take my word for it though – here’s part one of a 28 part video documentary made by the good folks over @ pseudo occult media. You probably would’a though that this mind control stuff was crazy, before Charlie Sheen that is.

http://www.youtube.com/get_player

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"I can explain…"


http://www.eonline.com/static/videoplayer/platform_players/swf/CEGDynamicPlayer.swf

Donald Trump tries for ultimate “You’re Fired”

Who ever said that it’s only celebrity gossip hasn’t been paying attention top the prez lately. Barack Obama recently begrudgingly took time away from important issues like the economy and bombing the middle east to address the latest conspiracy theory coming from celebrity nuisance Donald “What’s wrong with your hair?” Trump. Trump is planning on making some kind of half assed run at the presidency in 2012, although the job of half assed Republican presidential runs should already have been filled by Alaska Annie! If Trump were really serious about making a run at the White House then starting as Sarah Palin’s VP running mate might’ve been a more serious way of doing it. It would allow Don to concentrate on getting publicity – which is what he’s really all about; and it would take attention away from Sister Sarah’s short comings as America would try to figure out which one of the two was the flaky one. In other words which one is playing the rear end of the horse? That kind of arrangement covers the angles.

Is the Pope Catholic? That depends.

To get back at the story at hand: the pres took time out from his super busy schedule to address some of the shit Donnie’s been talking about in public. Stuff like the President not really being an American (it’s a “is the Pope catholic?” variant). That’s in addition to the president really being a Muslim, a terrorist, a robot, and possibly an extra terrestrial – depending on which conspiracy radio shows you listen too (and I listen to all of ’em!). This puts the pres in the awkward position of having to occasionally dignify this stuff with an answer – which immediately takes away some of his credibility.

Sunday Morning Feeling

Like the time Obama had to make his statement about faith. Now people had been questioning his religious beliefs ever since he got caught napping in church back in Chi-town. That’s was in the church with the radical pastor. The preacher had some odd ideas, especially about white people. So people started asking how the pres felt about the whole race relation thing. As the pres explained, he only went to the damned place to network with Oprah; and never really paid attention to what the guy was saying since he used his pew time to catch up on some well needed rest – or Transcendental Meditation as Obama calls it. Sunday Morning sleep in can be very spiritual if you have the right state of mind!

radio free tin foil

Anyway Obama had to come out and say that yes he is a Christian, yes he does pray regularly, and that his faith has seen him through the tough spots in life. Now people should’ve have been satisfied but weren’t. For one thing 21st century secular types got disturbed about the pres speaking on faith publicly. Most thought it was great that he felt that way, but that talking about it on TV in the 21st century was neither the time or the place. Before the poor beknighted man could explain that he only brought it up in response to persistent rumors about him being some kind of cultie who was sacrificing neighborhood pets to Aqua Buddha, the fringe media was on about him being an Illuminati mole sent to infiltrate Islam. Whatever ever else tinfoil hats keep out, they work like a charm against common sense!

What made Reagan the Great Communicator? Taking the media out of the equation.

What Obama should have learned from that incident is that you shouldn’t explain cause you just can’t win. When the Donald began riding the conspiracy theory wave, Obama should’ve just taken that in stride. If you diginfy those klind of rumours with an answer then you give them crediablity at your own expense. So Obama should’ve set the agenda, like Reagan did back in the old days, by deciding what he wanted to talk about and then engaging sympathetic journalists in conversation; and not responding to what everyone else was saying. That’s how leaders create consensus when everyone disagrees with them (and in the Reagan Era it used to drive the left nuts). Instead Obama just released the long form of his birth certificate to prove that yes he is an America, yes he is legally president, and yes it did count when he voted himself in the booth.

Tabloid President

This leaves the president complaining about having to deal with carnival barkers and lunatic fringers as if they were serious people. That’s no one’s fault but his own. As President he’s like a conductor in front of the media orchestra. he can set the tone, by deciding what he wants to talk about. The media will follow that be cause he’s the pres and what ever he says is news. Meanwhile that takes the attention away from his connection with UFO’s and his involvement in cattle mutilations! Like Obama says, there’s a lot more important stuff going on, though it might not be half as intersting as his “alleged” summit with time travelers at a top secret Antarctican stargate to negotiate Earth’s entrance into The Federation! Now that’s not even considering his frequent ‘vacations’ to Atlantis! Suffice it to say that it’s not my job to tell him his job; and speaking as one of the carnival barkers, I’m happy with the extra cred. Thanks big guy, for helping me wear my tin foil ‘thinking cap’ with an unaccustomed feeling of dignity!

PS: The sad truth of that matter is that the American voter is a pretty complacent specimen. The fact is that he probably does think that Obama wasn’t born in the USA, and that he probably doesn’t care. George W Bush stole an election with the help of a gang of dimpled Chads, probably some of his Bohemian Grove buddies (I hear that thing get funky with that group!!), but that didn’t stop him from getting a second term with an unquestioned majority. So Obama wouldn’t be the first guy who wasn’t supposed to be pres that the people decided should be pres. He won’t be the last. Rules are made to be broken and that’s what makes America great, or at least No 1. Superman and Wonder Woman weren’t born in America either, but no one’s gonna kick them out of the Justice League!

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Zsa Zsa Gabor wants to move up in class

For those unfamiliar with Zsa Zsa Gabor – except as a comedic characterture of an aging Hollywood actress, she was the Kim Kardashian of her day (She and her two sisters originated the Kardashian act). That means she was a characterture of a Hollywood sex symbol. That’s kind of like being a female impersonator except you’re a woman – anyone remember Victor/Victoria? To that end Zsa Zsa made a bunch of B movies that no one remembers, married and divorced alot of husbands – she was kind of in the alimony business, and guest starred on The Beverly Hillbillies a few times. So you can say that she’s a sort of pop cultural icon. Like Susan Somer’s Thigh Master commercials! About the only thing she didn’t get around to was getting shot in the gob by Phil Spector!

Bed room farce antics aside, Zsa Zsa did live a rich and interesting life. She married Anna Nicole Smith’s lover, and almost became Smith’s adoptive mother. That was when Anna Nic tried to convince her lover, who is Zsa Zsa’s husband – Prince von Arnolt, to legally adopt her. That way she could officially become a princess! Sounds flaky buts that how Arnolt inherited his princely title, and probably how the woman he screwed out of the title got it herself!

Even though this is a very European arrangement – in this case “European” differentiates from American in that there is no pretense to any kind of morality or decorum. It’s a “we’re consenting adults and know how the world works *wink wink*” deal – Zsa Zsa wasn’t having any part of it. So she out the kibosh on the deal and Anna Nicole had to settle for a Texas oil billionaire, whom she quickly married and promptly buried.

Did I say bed room farce antics aside? Zsa Zsa did do something genuinely interesting. She slapped a LA traffic cop. The guy pulled Gabor over after he saw her car slowly serving all over the road. Seeing an elderly actress behind the wheel he must’ve assumed that she was having a botox induced stroke, or perhaps was buzzed out on a cocktail of powerful sedatives legally obtained from her many physicians. So he asked her if she needed assistance.

Zsa Zsa, who was allegedly drunk at the time, staggered forth from the vehicle and informed the good officer in a heavily slurred accent that she was a famous actress who’s husband is a Prince, and that she has many powerful friends who could break the fellow like a match stick, so ‘jump back Jack‘ Then she landed him a smack across the chops to make sure he got the point. When I say smack I mean that she hit him, not kissed him. A kiss from that grizzled old beak would’ve been so traumatic that the fellow would’ve had grounds for a law suit.

Now when your main claims to fame are based on a clownish B movie image and a bunch of ridiculous incidents, then you might have a real burning need to be taken more seriously. God knows Zsa Zsa will never be Helen Mirren, not now at her age; but I’m sure that she hasn’t given up hope – God bless her soul. After all Helen Mirren wasn’t really Helen Mirren until she got up in years. In her prime she did the roles Joan Collins turned down – & Joansie didn’t turn down much of anything! The point is that a little respect would be nice, even if completely undeserved.

The recent passing of Jayne Russell and Elizabeth Taylor seem to have brought this point home to ailing Zsa Zsa. It seems that she’s got it in her mind that celebs always go in 3’s (they do: one dies naturally and the other 2 follow along for the attention!). Further more she’s convinced that if she can make number three, then that will prove to the world that she just wasn’t come over stuffed clown with an accent, but an actress of the highest caliber! With that in mind she has insisted on being rushed to the hospital!

Now the official story is that Zsa Zsa was at home fidgeting restlessly in front of the TV when she got the sad news about Taylor. Then, according to her publicist – who may have been standing near by with pen and pad in hand to record Gabor’s words for posterity – Zsa yelps out “Oh, Jane Russell and Liz Taylor — I’m next.” The publicist – John Blanchette doesn’t go on to say whether or not anyone burst out in laughter.

Zsa Zsa took the whole deal very seriously though. She insisted on having her blood pressure taken. According to Blanchette it was “soaring“. Not that you can make anything out of that since Gabor is high pressure at the best of times. Anyway it was enough to get her carted off to the hospital and put on unofficial death watch. As for the prognosis, Blanchette goes on to say that Gabor is a fighter, as one LAPD officer can attest to. Now I’m not sure how to take that remark. With Gabor that just might mean this is one casting call she’s determined to make, even though it’s only for the final curtain. That’s fame for you – eventually it’s being the stiff at your own funeral, and looking as life like as you ever did! Good luck Zsa Zsa!

By the way Zsa Zsa isn’t the only one trying to horn in on the action. Westboro Baptist Church has announced plans to protest at Taylor’s funeral. They take issue with Taylor’s long time AIDS activism, which they call “enabling gays“. So that makes them almost as flaky as Victoria Jackson! Plus they’re looking to score some major publicity! No official word on the rumors that they’re currently shopping around a reality TV premise based on their colorful “ministry“.

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Hello Larry

https://i0.wp.com/www.thirdage.com/files/imagecache/350x350/files/elizabeth-taylor-larry-fortensky.jpgLiz Taylor was not only one of Hollywood’s true movie stars; She got around. She married Eddie Fischer just months before she ran off to do Cleopatra with Richard Burton. Eddie – like poor Nick Lacey with Jessica, had no idea what was what until Richie and Lizzie were exchanged expensive stones and other more personal forget me nots, By the time the show was over Liz decided that she wanted a Greek Hero, even if that mean a Welsh actor playing a Roman. So there was no room for a little Jewish singer in her life.

Now that’s fine and well. People expected Taylor to run around like a cat with liniment on her arse, except that in this case the was a twist. Lizzie had stolen Fischer away from Tanny. Now Tammy was the wholesome Mountain Dew Elli May Clampett time who innocence appealed to horny adolescent boys. Innocence was a big part of her appeal. So when Taylor – who was the vamp of the day – moved in for the kill. Spectators viewed it as something a wolf goring Bambie in one of those morbid Disney films,

To put it in modern perspective – it was the same as when Angelina Jolie stole Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston. People decided that she’d gone a little too far – but since she was an oversexed bitch that they couldn’t blame her as long as she meant it. So Eddie and Lizzie lived it up for a few mothers and then Lizzie’s hot sexy bitch instincts took over.

As mentioned she went off to do Cleopatra with Richard Burton. Burton played Marc Anthony – a proud, intelligent brave; and even more than that – the last of the Greek Heroes. Lizzie as Cleopatra had to seduce Marc -Ricard Anthony, because they’re passionate doomed love affair formed the basis of the story. That meant that Richie and Lizzie had to do plenty of scripted sexy time pulls lots of emotionally charged scenes! soon it was bye-bye Tammy.

There’s been a lot of talk about who was to blame int his. Tammy was the beloved image of innocent youth, and Liz was the voracious man eating vagina dentata. Since those were the parts that they were supposed to play then no one could really blame Lizzie too much. It didn’t go down well and the vox populi (they phrase vox populi is handier than “they” since interlocutors will then get cute and asked you who “they” are. Now one will defy the vox populi.), who decided that she’d get a pass if Lizze was serious. That was the Brad Angelina Jennifer scenario of their day.

Well Lizzie buggered that up by dropping Fischer like a hot potato when she went after Burton. Liz had that Jolie” I do what ever the hell I want because I’m a wild crazy fuck!‘ attitude. So she may not have been well aware of the seriousness of the situation when she embarked on her affair wit Burton. When she dropped him after a few months to go after Burton – the public turned and never quite forgave her.

That’s a paralleled to today’s Bragelinsten arrangement to – where the public has decided they’ll let jolie get way with this, but they can’t expect anymore from them just because she’s hers. So her picture shave flopped even though Anstion has a steady A List career. Jolie may be shying away from dropping Pitt because she’s afraid of a little of the Hollywood voodoo that hit Lizzie, in the form of failed career, ruined looks, failing health, etc. She needn’t worry in this case because the American public is now aiting for the opposite result and are earnestly hoping that Jolie will drop her Mattell Ken Doll, and go back to the half schizophrenic potential serial killer that they fell in lover with that (Shame that no one ever explained that to Jolie).

Anyway this brings us back to the living Legend Elizabeth Taylor. After ditching Eddie and irking the American Movie Public her life started to go down hill. I don’t know whether that was coincidence or the will of the movie gods, but her life started to get screwed up. She started playing tramps in films. She started to gain weight and lose her special appeal. She also rebounded off of Richard Burton and to an American politician which proved to be the worst marriage of her life. In fact she never totally took off the weight she gained during that unhappy union.

That left Liz in her post motion picture carer. Since she had some charisma she got by. She appeared in Dynasty, she designed a few perfumes, she may ever have done a few cartoon voice overs (she was considered for a voice in the Flintstones with John Goodman). You might say that Taylor’s career was heading in a direction that so many and event he most famous careers go – straight in to the crapper!

Taylor has one way of getting into the media again and aging. She just kept marrying and divorcing, This was once again either a case of Taylor’s flagrant disreguard of the unwritten rules of Hollywood – or that her twat was too hot to stop. So she went on her well know post movie star career as a serial marrier. IN fact the roster of Lizzie’s conquest is listed below and are as follows:

Marriages

Taylor has been married eight times to seven husbands:

  • Conrad “Nicky” Hilton (6 May 1950 – 29 January 1951) (divorced)
  • Michael Wilding (21 February 1952 – 26 January 1957) (divorced)
  • Michael Todd (2 February 1957 – 22 March 1958) (widowed)
  • Eddie Fisher (12 May 1959 – 6 March 1964) (divorced)
  • Richard Burton (15 March 1964 – 26 June 1974) (divorced)
  • Richard Burton (10 October 1975 – 29 July 1976) (divorced)
  • Note: between 1975 and 1976, Taylor was the “companion” to the Iranian ambassador to Washington, Ardeshir Zahedi. They were dubbed “the hottest couple”, and both divorced their significant others during their relationship. Taylor even traveled with him to Tehran for a time. Shah Reza Pahlavi convinced Zahedi to end his relationship with Taylor.
  • John Warner (4 December 1976 – 7 November 1982) (divorced)
  • Larry Fortensky (6 October 1991 – 31 October 1996) (divorced)

You should notice two things right away: 1.marrying Conrad Nickey Hilton gives her a Paris Hilton connection; 2, she’s been married 8 times over the past 45 years! That’s an enormous amount of emotional baggage to carry around with you! Now where you’ve got that much karma following in your track and waiting for an inconvenient moment to pounce, then it’s only a matter of time before something very inconvenient lands on you.

In this case inconvenient comes in the form of Larry Fortensky. Now if you’ll recall Liz meet Larry when they were both banged up in the Betty Ford Center – America being what it is the Betty Ford Clinic draws a real cross section of America society from washed up teen pop singers to laid of steel workers. Drugs are a great equalizer. Anyway Lizzie & Larry hit it off and next thing you know and as quick as a wink, the former Hollywood sex goddess is hitched up with a recovering alcoholic unemployed bricklayer. Just call him the original Kevin Federline.

They seemed to get along for a while. Larry doted on Liz constantly & following her around with shawls that he could suddenly toss them over her if a paparazzi was spotted lurking int he bushes. This was supposed to present the image of Larry as a caring husband, rather than what everyone thought that he was. What they thought he was is what you would think of the 40 year old man who goes after a 70+ woman with millions of dollars. Apart from dubious media stunts the pair actually seemed to get along and Larry seemed to know his place.

Now this kind of celebrity hook ups almost never ever last unless you’re James Garner or something. So naturally the Larry & Lizzie arrangement started growing apart. They divorced and Larry got a very a generous settlement (ever get the impression that Liz doesn’t kid herself?), They went their separate ways, Larry to what ever nice blue collar home that struck his fancy, and Liz to other male companions who could give her what she needed in her declining years.

Now the thing abut these amicable split ups is that they’re like dormant volcanoes waiting to erupt with destructive fury at any moment and without warning. That’s what happened to Liz later over that last man she ever married – Larry Fortensky. Seem that Lucky Larry ran into some fiduciary problems.

Now these fiduciary problems of the third degree.Mainly Larry is in default on some major loans and now is in danger of losing his home. So he’s sent out the SOS to his sugar mommy to cut him a check and keep a roof over his head, Hitting up the ex to keep you in your new home might sound like a helluva nerve – especially when too was already taken care of – except that Liz has steeped in and done this kind of thing before.

In fact Liz has repeatedly bailed Larry out of one financial jam after another. One fo the most serious was after Larry seriously injured himself falling down the stairs drunk, and was never able to do an honest days work after! Liz paid up his mortgage and then chipped in which some living money.

Once again Larry is in arrears. Since that his house has been foreclosed on. Unless he gets some immediate help, he’s gonna be out on the street. Once again he’s turned to old reliable except hat this time there’s a twist. Liz is in very frail health. By frail think Mr. Burns from the Simpsons before his regular morning defibrillation. So Lizzie isn’t actually non compete memphis to go writing out checks to some dead beat she used to screw 20 years ago when she was emotional vulnerable. So this looks like Larry might have to make it on his own. Give him the benefit of the doubt though, if he can hook up with Taylor at Betty Ford, then he jut might have what it takes to jump start his career with a spot on Celebrity Rehab, & if not that then Dancing With The Stars!

wondertrash

Rush Fools In Where Angels Fear to Tread

What’s the difference between Gilbert Gottleib and Rush Limbaugh – Gottlieb doesn’t pretend to be a serious political commentator!

What can you say about a big fat pill head who shoots of his mouth public? Now I’m not referring to Alex Jones. Jones is cogent & thoughtful compared to this professional blowhard. The blowhard is Rush Limbaugh and regular listeners probably noticed that this dude’s mouth lost contact with his brain – which itself lost contact with reality so that’s a fine state of affairs – some time back – and started freewheeling. In fact it’s been freewheeling further and further off the beaten path & on on to the lunatic fringe.

Rush offer’s political commentary the way a backed up septic tank offers raw sewage

Now a lot of shit has come out of Limbaugh’s big gaping maw over the course of his bombastic and otherwise banal talk radio career, but the loud mouthed snook has recently out done himself. You might not believe what those loose lips recently let slip. Now for those unfamiliar with Limbaugh’s routine, he’s the guy who takes political commentary down to a carnival barker level. His usual spiel borders on the kill abortionist to respect he sanctity of life routine, or bring democracy to the rest of the world by bombing it flat. He supports mandatory gun owner ship for all America’s – especially deranged kooks who might take a shot at the president (Lush Dumbaugh might call that Tea Party Patriotism others might wonder whether years of pharmaceutical pill abuse have caused some serious brain damage), just in case the Russkies mount some kind of commie counter attack. I’m not sure how he stands on making use of the poor and down trodden in some Solyent Green type plan – but I hear he was a great fan of Swift’s Modest Proposal until some one explained to him that it was a satire. “You mean it’s a fairy story? Just like the Bible? Bah hum bug!” In other words he’s a pair of tinfoil under shorts away from being Glenn Beck.

… amd you thought Charlie Sheen was nuts!

Now when you got a big loose cannon of a mouth then you usually say some pretty outrageous things just as a matter of course. Stuff like “Eat the poor” and “bomb everything“, In other words he’s like Glenn Beck after a stroke. So when you shoot off on a level that makes Charlie Warlock Sheen sound calm, considered and rational, you got some real personal standard of psychosis to maintain. The one thing that you can say about the Rusher is that he’s got a real and undeniable talent for topping himself. To bad he doesn’t have more of a talent for stopping himself.

don’t tempt Mother Nature by driving a Prius

Top himself is what the big fat wind bag recently did on the subject of Japan. Now while the est of North America tormented them selves wit guilt about not doing more to help those poor wretches living over there in the disaster zone; homeless, with limited food and medicine, and often not enough room at the shelters; Rush as a different take on the situation. According to Rush Japan has no one else to blame for their current misfortune because Mother Gaia has malicious laid them low as her way for showing her appreciation for the Prius.

the electrical car will draw down the wrath of God

According to Lush Rimbaugh Japan went wrong went they got all ecological. They started flooding the America car market with all these eco responsible cars with the dinky lawn mower engines on an eco angle – instead of flooding he market with these huge tyrannosaurus rex gas guzzling hummers – Rush figures that this was some transparent attempt to suck up to Mother Earth – and being a woman, you can’t expect anything in the way of gratitude. You can only expect to be trampled under foot. So if you’re not willing to show Big Bitch who’s the boss you gotta expect to be trampled under earth after the Great Devouring Mother has gnawed the meat off your bones and finished sucking the marrow from your bones. So playing along ain’t gonna get you anywhere.

Ruch Limbaugh – an pill induced level of brain damage that makes Ann Coulter look like William F Buckley jr!

Lest Rush get upset and claim to have been misquoted by some Internet blogger, here’s the gist of what he did say on his Tuesday show. While discusing the whole subject of the Japan earthquake, The Rusher said – on the air – that:

“If these are the people that invented the Prius, have mastered public transportation, recycling, why did Mother Earth, Gaia if you will, hit them with this disaster?” “They’ve given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are recycling their garbage.” Here, he began to laugh, continuing, “and yet, Gaia levels them! Just wipes them out!”

“He’s right,” Limbaugh said. “They’ve given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are recycling their garbage.” Here, he began to laugh, continuing, “and yet, Gaia levels them! Just wipes them out!”

suck my goof balls

Now Rusher doesn’t exactly sound like like Mother Theresa. In fact he sounds like he’s back on those goof balls that every Republican condemns and every other republic secretly takes – like Rush himself. Though it must be said that an undisclosed number of those God fearing neocons (is the proper term “Neocon” or “Necrophile”? – I keep getting them confused) do that shit so that the they can score gay sex in public restrooms while adopting the wide stance in the hopes of some toe tapping fun with anonymous strangers! Keeping in touch with the public is what’s helped keep them relevant!

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Gilbert the Gremlin

What the Rusher does sound like is one of those tactless stand up comedians like Gilbert Gottlieb who though that about 13 000 dead Japanese was fodder for crude humour. In fact Gilbert Goblips got taken to task over this shoot from the lip comedy. He lost his lucrative Afleck Duck gig. Since that was bout the only work he currently had, he’s know cooling his heels in the dog house without so much of a bone to gnaw on.

Will Lush Dumbaugh become the next Alex Jones? It’s a dicey business when you can’t control your big shit spewing mouth!

So if Gottlieb can get publicly reamed out for his tactless lack of basic humanity, can we we except a big fat pill addled loud mouth snook – who has basically blamed the Japanese for their own misfortunes – to make his way back to public creditability? Maybe after a brief rehab hiatus, some crocodiles tears, and a lot of transparent excuses? Since the Gottlieb precedent has already been set it might be time for Lush Rimbaugh to take a brief vacation from the talk radio circuit – just the way Dr Laura Schlesinger did after she had that unfortunate attack of Tourette’s Syndrome on the air (Laura S is currently discussing with her publicist the possibility of being bi polar – at least professionally – of course Flip Wilson describes that as “the devil made me do it“). If he can blame the whole incident on a pill addiction relapse, than he might be able to worm his way into Dr Drew’s Celebrity Rehab, an even eventually redemption.

Rush & Gottlieb – watch you step or your feet could wind up in your feet in your mouths again; not that there ain’t plenty of room in there for ’em

A lot of mea culpe’s and some crocodile tears and even that shit cannon of a mouth of his might one day be ready for a return to the airwaves, If he can play the bi polar angle, even he might even be able to work his way back into a broadcasting career via the reality TV rehab route. Word of advice to the Rusher though – in the unlikely event you ever find you self on radio in any capacity other than as Alex Jone’s comic foil side kick, you might want to get your brain in motion before that mouth of yours gets into gear. Your next attack of verbal diarrhea under the guise of no spin straight shootin’ commentary might be our very last, After that you won’t even find cartoon voice over work. Besides there are some eager cooperate spoketoones looking for work and eager to take you jobs!

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wondertrash

Shit Happens – How John Edwards lost his chance & got into tabloid hell

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Rielle Hunter
was a troublesome tiresome bitch even back when she was called Lisa Druck. That description might be a bit harsh. Maybe she was an accident waiting for a place to happen. That’s if you want to believe one of her oldest friends. The friend is Pigeon O Brien, and Pigeon is the one now taking credit for ratting Rielle and her presidential candidate boyfriend John Edwards out to the National Enquirer. So Pij has some explaining to do. Explain she has in a recent HuffPo piece, the gist of which is below.

Pij knew Rielle back when she was Lisa. That was in the 80’s at a place called Nell’s bar. According to Pij, Lisa was either always swaggering around hollering her head off, or frightening guys out of the bar and into taxis that sped away rapidly. No one really liked the obnoxious little twat, but she was interesting. There were lots of stories about promiscuity, other women’s husbands, and strip poker. Besides many were a little too afraid of her to stand up.

Pij & Druck moved on and lost touch, the way friends will. Then one day O Brien meets her old friend again. It was 2004 @ a swanky NYC dinner party. Rielle shows up, but totally reinvented. She’s got a head full of new ideas too, like Buddhism, MTV, motivational speakers as the new rock stars, and of course striking it rich! Pij was at loose ends (that’s what you call it when some one is into web design & PR on a freelance basis), and Hunter had a lot of ideas to keep her old friend occupied. So they got together to do a website aimed at getting Hunter into the motivational speaking racket by way of MTV. Now this wasn’t just a big idea but was backed up with a lot of hot air, as the pair spent hours a day jabbering with each other on the phone.

Since swinging their jaw bones was as close as they got to productive work, the website never really took off. O Brien and Hunter’s relationship got a little strained. They’d occasionally lose radio contact. Then one day and out of the blue as it were, Hunter calls up and says that she’s in love. She describes a guy from North Carolina. While Pij is busy thinking Jethro Beaudine (Those Yankees and their ethnic-regional stereotyping! It’s the white middle class educated liberal’s version of racism.), Hunter goes on to describe a golden god with rock star charisma. O Brien didn’t put 2 + 2 together right away. Maybe she was expecting Robert Plant. When O Brien heard the words”John” and “North Carolina” on TV and looks up to see John Edwards on the screen with Hunter hovering near by, the jig is up.

“SHIT,” I thought to myself, “we’re in trouble now.”

Now this is where the story gets interesting. Pij & Hunter had a sort of up and down relationship; as you might expect with at least one drama queen, and when bills for services rendered aren’t getting promptly paid. Hunter had stopped teaching yoga to devote herself full time to the Golden Meal Ticket. Meanwhile she’s constantly babbling on and on about love. Meanwhile Edwards was positioning himself for a run at the White House. Since his wife Elizabeth was a big part of his public image package, things were about to get really interesting.

standing out in a crowd and still spell check fixable!

It was about the same time as Hunter began producing a set of cheesy promo videos for Edwards that people began calling O Brien to inquire as to the nature of her friend’s relationship with Edwards. O Brien says that the media tracked her down through her listing on Hunter’s website. The fact that her name is Pigeon makes her stand out from the Jennys and Janes (now you know why celebs love to have outrageous names). Pigeon says that at first she was very tight lipped about the whole cheating on his dying wife with the crazy bitch from my old bar story. The reporters just wouldn’t leave her alone though. Eventually the constant nagging got to her. She started asking herself whether this kind of behavior is acceptable in a public figure. She states in her article that it’s no one’s business who you sleep with, but issues of trust and betrayal are very important. I guess that’s supposed to make what she did next come off as noble.

a raw nerve in a barrel of monkeys

According to O Brien some where along the line she got the idea that the public needed to know. Getting herself out of hot water wouldn’t be so bad either. So she started phoning the numbers of some of those publications she said were eager to talk about Hunter (I think she mentioned about 2 before she got to the National Enquirer, though to hear her tell it the phone was off the hook and she was cracking from pressure. So the assumption is that she got a few calls from a couple of places that noticed who did the video and then checked out the website. Since Edwards was in the primaries they may have thought that it was worthwhile to call and ask a few general questions. They may not have had anything specific in mind, which is born out by the fact that when she got back in touch they didn’t know what she was talking about when she mentioned “the affair“. It’s either that or she didn’t get all of her facts straight for her big HuffPo article. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt ans assume she was a bit histrionic and overreacted.). Her first few ventures didn’t come off – people who wanted to know didn’t believe anything was going on. Finally she got around to The Pulitzer Prize Nominated National Enquirer. That’s when she hit pay dirt!

The Candidate & the TV Psychic!

According to Pigeon the NE wasn’t exactly sure who Edwards was at first. So she had to bring them up to speed, so they’d understand how the affair fit in. Once they got the general idea they didn’t need much encouragement. A presidential candidate cheating on his dying wife with a TV psychic sounds like something just made for them. Only the additions of Bigfoot and a UFO could’ve made the tale complete! So they started sniffing around for whatever smelled like shit.

faux vox popoli

That’s the point at which the cat crawled out of the bag. Edwards got Hunter under wraps – hiding her out in a series of rented mansions according to Pigeon. Meanwhile HuffPo, sensing that the shit was about to hit the fan something might be up, printed an article questioning why the Hunter produced promo vids had all of a sudden disappeared. That got them a lot of hate mail from outraged people pretending not to be associated with the Edwards campaign. It also nearly got the article’s writer Sam Stein fired. However things had gone too far by that time. Within a week or two the NE published it’s Edwards Cheating story.

This is the point at which anyone with any sense would’ve dropped out. Edwards plowed on. Pressure was put on the media to shut the fuck up ignore the stories. After all it was only unsubstantiated rumor based on the kind of circumstantial evidence that failed to convict OJ Simpson. John himself began throwing around cruel and hurtful phrases like “tabloid trash & lies” (celebrity types can be so unkind when they’re on the defensive). His long suffering wife made off the record comments about the Enquirer as the UFO paper. Meanwhile Edwards’ functionaries memo-ed the LA Times begging them to take the journalistic high road and not to go down market with the gossip shit rags. The shaming and bull shitting might have worked too, except Johnny Boy got caught spending a night with Hunter in a hotel. If you play around with fire long enough you’re bound to get burned!

John Edwards – a frickin totally bitchin rock star from Mars!

Lying-John-EdwardsSo now the cheating story went into overdrive. Hunter’s pregnancy got out too. Edwards tired to deny that at first. He claimed that he’d only been in that hotel late at night with an emotionally unstable woman because he desperately wanted to help her with her troubles. Besides the woman was clearly some sort of slut on the make so her kid could belong to anyone – Mel Gibson, 007, you name it. That kind of desperation is the sign that the chips are down.

John Edwards is like the last rat on a sinking ship

When the chips are down is when you find out who your friends really are. Some of Edwards friends, like Andrew and Cheri Young, decided to make their own deals. Young wrote a tell all about the man he backed to the hilt for years, called the Politician. Since he’d done a lot of work keeping the Hunter story under wraps, his damage control experience must’ve made him credible. Of course Pigeon went to the National Enquirer to get the dung ball rolling. Who knows what possessed her, beyond her self professed Jimmy Stewart style commitment to American Democracy (note to readers, never watch Mr Smith Goes to Washington while you’re on acid, ’cause it will mind fuck your brains down into your socks! “My God – I’ve got to go out and get into trouble by doing the right thing so that the cavalry can rescue me!“). Readers will get the impression that flighty and self involved Hunter could be a tough act to take, and if you had to deal with her long enough you want to see her get what was coming to her too. Of course if Edwards had any real friends, or even trustworthy handlers, they’d have recognized what Hunter was before she ever got through the door, and run interference.

the upshot on this shit -“let’s be careful out there

So I guess the upshot is that we live in a global village or something now. That’s like living in a semi detached housing complex – think Melrose Place. So it’s an environment where news is increasingly gossip; and that kind of bad news can do you in (as John Galliano has found out the hard way – suppose France wants Jack’s Legion of Honor back?). So don’t piss anyone off, or you’ll get their goat – and they might even get yours, as Rosesanne Barr’s Hawaiian neighbors recently and allegedly pointed out. Now go out there and behave yourselves!

Angry Samson

by Robert Graves
(1895-1985)


Are they blind, the lords of Gaza
In their strong towers,
Who declare Samson pillow-smothered
And stripped of his powers?

O stolid Philistines,
Stare now in amaze
At my foxes running in your cornfields
With their tails ablaze,

At swung jaw-bone, at bees swarming
In the stark lion’s hide,
At these, the gates of well-walled Gaza
A-clank to my stride.

wondertrash
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