Future Queen of England knocked up out of wedlock


In the Royal Family way!

For those of you worried about Kate Middleton’s plunging weight fear no more. She could be packing on the pounds in no time flat. That’s because – if rumours are to be believed – the future Queen is already in the family way. “Family way” is a delicate way of saying that she’s already knocked up!

The Royal Shenanigans

Now this little piece of scuttlebutt was broken by none other than Star Magazine. They’ve they’ve published these “Middleton preggers” stories before. Most notably was a piece they released back in June 2010. Back then they announced that Kate and William had been up to conduct unbecoming. No to give ’em a break it has been an awfully long engagement. So I think that we can rule out the idea that they’ve been saving themselves for the wedding night. Anyway Star reported that the usual shenanigans had gotten out of hand and that Kate had gotten herself into a right state. They went on to claim that the Palace was on high alert – what ever their equivalent to defcon 1 is they were on it. So they were all scrambling around like mad hatters (they do that anyway) trying to avoid another royal scandal.

Don’t believe everything you read – you read that here!

Not surprisingly Clarence House – HQ for the Prince of Wales alias The Man Who Would Be King – issued a terse statement called the scandalous tabloid story “a load of rubbish“. Some o f us might have hoped for something like “balderdash” or even “poppycock“, but times have changed. The story was further discredited when a Mississippi University professor, Samir Husni – who may or may not be an expert on either royalty, rumour, or single mothers (actually he’s a journalism prof so that kind of makes him an expert on all three with a greater than average knowledge of alcoholism and cigarette addiction!) reminded everyone that “Be wary, very wary, of what you read in the ‘gossip’ magazines. Proceed with caution and pretend you are watching a soap opera.” Since Kate didn’t expand and issue forth, the story was quickly forgotten as people moved on to more pressing issues like Suri Cruise and American Idol!

“Predicting the future ain’t much of a talent, to be sure.”
~ Al Capp

Now the secret of tabloid predictions is that if some thing doesn’t happen wait about a year and then say the same thing again. Sooner or later it’s bound to happen and then you get the satisfaction of saying “I told you so!” This is how the National Enquirer accurately predicted Michael Jackson’s death, and how they are currently working on getting rid of Kirstie Alley and Oprah Winfrey! Now with the Royal Wedding moving into hi gear I guess that Star Mag figured that the time was right to trot this one out again. Everyone will be interesting in anything royal. Besides if the happy couple make a post honey moon announcement then the story looks legitimate – so to speak. If not then the whole sorry business will probably get lost in the Royal Wedding Mania Shuffle!

absurd is not necessarily untrue

Now for those of you interested, and let’s face it who isn’t, the Star is claiming that Kate is already pregnant. In fact she’s so far along that she”s afraid an attack of morning sicknesses gonna screw up her special day! This is also why Kate is off her head with nerves as the day of days approaches. Further more things are so far advanced that the sex of the child is already determined. it’s a girl and William as decided to name her Diana! Not surprisingly Buckingham Palace – that’s one step up the pecking order from Clarence House – has called the whole thing absurd” and “certainly not true. That’s disappointing for those of us still waiting for “poppycock!” As for the Star, they claim that they got the story fair and square, and from one of those underpaid, over worked, and notoriously disgruntled Palace workers that decided to break their confidentiality contracts. The Palace makes everyone who has the honour of serving them sign one of those, just like the Church of Scientology and the Jolie-Pitts!

… and Elvis is the father!

Could the story be true? Probably not. Kate certainly isn’t showing. In fact her weight has been plunging. She used to be a healthy young lady, once upon a time. As she got more and more involved with the Reptilians – as Brit conspiracist David Icke colourfully refers to the Royals, her weight started to drop. She currently down to Posh Spice – Beckham proportions (hyphenated names are just so classy – as least some things don’t change!). If she gets any thinner then she will be able to turn invisible by standing sideways. Now that’s a trick that will come in handy in her future profession, and once the paparazzi gets hot on her tail! However her ever shrinking frame just isn’t consistent with a woman ready to pop right there in Westminster Abbey! So I think that you can probably file this one under “more shocking revelations!“, like “Britney Spears Pregnant with Space Baby“, and “Wynonna Judd Secret Affair with Bigfoot Revealed!” – that last one is covered in half sis Ashley’s new autobio “Naomi & Wynonna can kiss my ass!“; another disgruntled ‘source’. as for the tabs, if they want a real royal story then they ought to get on Prince Willie’s future mother in lawe, cause that chick is warming up to be Britain’s answer to Billy Carter (member him?). Otherwise they’re gonna have to go back to those “Valerie Bertinelli Bikini Diet” stories to regain their *ahem* credibility.

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Gary Collins goes rogue

Gary Collins is in a whole heap of trouble. For those who don’t know who Collins is he’s a former morning show host and a celebrity drunk. These days he’s much better known as a celebrity drunk. Every so often Mr. Collins likes to get liquored up and get behind the wheel. Mr. Collin’s publicists might debate that. The court’s wouldn’t. Gary has had a few vehicohol related arrests, including a recent one.

Collins was supposed to show up in court on Nov 4rth regarding his most recent infraction. However for some unknown reason Collins was a no show. So the judge got mad and issued a $100 000 warrant for the rogue celebrity’s arrest. The judge is taking this so seriously not only because Collins is showing a Lindsay Lohan style disregard for the law, but also because he is a two time offender. In his most recent vehicular mishap, down in Mississippi, one of the passengers in the car he hit swears that GC was boozed up behind the wheel. Of course Collins got off on a hit and run charge for that.

The sad part is that Collins was due in court for a probation hearing. Had he shown up the judge probably would have terminated the probation. Now Gary is looking at tons of trouble and possibly jail time.

In other news a heavily pregnant Miranda Kerr was seen out and about showing off her baby bump. The bump is getting obvious however most of Miranda’s weight gain seems to be in and around her valuable face, which has swollen up like a volleyball. Just take a look at these shocking pictures!


Whether or not Miranda might be described as “radiant“, she has surely looked happier.

If you’re like most celebrities then you can be a little flighty. That might incline you to misplace things; like your cell phone full of incriminating text messages, your lap top with that home made sex tape in it, or that drug stash that you didn’t think was still in your purse when the cops pulled you over. Khloe Karadashian has lost stuff to. In her case it was her virginity, and she spoke about that at length on the View recently. Here’s what she had to say:

‘He was only I think, 18, but from 14 to 18 now looking back, I think that’s not a normal thing. I feel like I was almost conned; well, not conned, but persuaded. He was older and I felt I wouldn’t be accepted or cool or whatever. Then I do remember when I was done, I felt, after two months of secretly dating this guy, I felt so disgusted with myself.’ Adding, ‘I stopped talking to him and actually didn’t have sex for three years after that because I knew I was young and I knew I wasn’t ready.’

Bristol Palin couldn’t have put it as well.

Finally we end where we began, with celebrity drunks. If you’re a regular gossip follow then you heard about David Cassidy’s run in with the law. He got caught down on the Florida turnpike weaving all over the road. When some friendly officers stopped him and asked if anything was wrong, he replied that he was tired, was coming from a funeral, had taken a glass of wine and a pain killer for his back, etc. Law enforcement officers saw right through his numerous excuses to the half empty bottle of bourbon rolling around the back seat and placed yesteryear’s version of Justin Bieber under arrest for impaired driving.

Even though the cops had him on dash cam, the actor maintained that he was not drunk. He made a public statement saying that he would never endanger the lives of his fans, and the some what indifferent greater public, by driving around the turnpike juiced up like a rogue torpedo shot from a loose cannon. His spokes persons then made some official statements standing by the funeral-back-wine-pill-missed yoga story.

Well Keith Partridge has made it official. His attorney has just recently submitted his not guilty plea to a Florida court, and in writing no less. Dave was not present at the hearing. If he gets busted on this he’s looking at a $1000 fine and as much as 6 months in prison – though some kind of rehab is far more likely. Rehab is the new community service. Also he really should seek some psycho therapy to get closure on his Susan Dey hang up. If Dexter Morgan can marry Deb you’re in the clear Keith.

BTW I cannot confirm the rumor that Gary Collins is currently in Canada and seeking refugee status – but don’t be surprised if it’s true.

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Gisele Bundchen pisses off every woman in America!

gisele bundchen annoys millions of women by trying to subject their breast to the lawIn case any one was wondering what Gisele Bundchen was going to do with herself now that her career as an overpriced clothes horse is drawing to a close – don’t worry, she has a back up plan. It involves more than attending New England Patriots games too! Gisele has decided to try her hand at being a great big loud mouth!

Bunder’s blunders

Sometime shortly after giving birth Bunders realized that she had something to share with the world – her opinion. She was was so sure that even though she’s only been a mom for a few short months, she figured that she could help all those stupid bitches out there get it straight. So Bunders loaded up that great gaping yap of her’s and then let fly – like a blunderbuss.

“There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”

Gisele started on an issue close to her heart and something that many women are bound to feel sensitive about – boobs motherhood. Bunders said in an interview that there should be a law forcing every woman who has recently given birth to breast feed for a minimum of 6 months.

“Some people here [in the US] think they don’t have to breastfeed and I think, ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your children when they are so little?”‘

Bunders said some other stuff too (“Meditation prepared me mentally and physically. I wasn’t expecting someone else to get the baby out of me”) but it all boiled down to the same shit: “I am not only better than you as a woman, but also as a mother!” Naturally some broads out there took this as criticism or something. So the shit hit the fan. That had Bunders doing some frantic back peddling, on the advice of her managers (part of whose job it is to keep Bunders’ great lumbering No 12 clod hoppers out of her mouth).

I can explain!

In a slightly incoherent blog statement Bunders explained that when she said that there ought a be a world wide law, she didn’t mean to to imply that it should have anything to do with the law – or in Bunders own words “My intention in making a comment about the importance of breastfeeding has nothing to do with the law.” Which is of course why she brought up the law, because it didn’t have anything to do with what she was talking about. Well that was clarifying, or in other words “You can stop talking now, dear – so STFU!”

Naturally people are pissed but many want to give Bunders the benefit of the doubt. After all she’s a model and most of them aren’t Mensa material or anything. So maybe she just didn’t know what the fuck she was saying. I’d buy that except that Bunders has on other occasions shown a steak of cattiness lurking behind that big dumb grin. When Tom Brady’s ex Bridget Moynahan gave birth to her son John, Bunders publicly laid claim to the lad with words to the effect of “I don’t care if he’s already got a mother – the kid’s mine! I’ve already got Moynahan’s man so why shouldn’t I have her son too?” Now that’s not exactly ver batim, but the words were to that effect. She also sent Briget a baby gift basket with a mini “supermodel” T shirt included.

It’s too soon to say if a pattern of hoof in mouth disease is developing. However one thing we know about celebrities is that they love attention. When they can’t get it by taking their clothes off and posing for pictures, then some times they’ll try and get it by shooting off their big mouths and becoming public nuisances. So Bunders may be moving on to Plan B – a career as an outspoken idiot and a thoughtless opinionated asshole.

If that’s what she’s got in mind then she should probably forget it. We’ve seen how well verbal diarrhea worked out for Megan Fox (man were her 15 minutes up quick!). Bundchen might even enjoy continued notoriety by taking up something related to the entertainment field. Perhaps even sports. With her stature and physique she’d be a shoe in at the Kentucky Derby. Besides a really strong bridle might even help her with that annoying verbal run on problem. Giddy up girl!

BTW brace yourself for next week’s issue of the Pulitzer nominated National Enquirer!

national enquirer
Meanwhile from the good people @Star & associates:

Star People Us Weekly In Touch Life & Style OK
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Oh Baby

orlando bloom apologizes for pregnant wife Miranda Kerr's bitchinessLooks like the world is finding out why Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr have suddenly finally decided to tie the knot. The pair took entertainment media by surprise when they announced their nuptials recently. Now it’s not like they weren’t already settled into a comfortable long term relationship. They pair had been in no particular hurry for years.

US Weekly is reporting that Bloom & Kerr are in the family way. That means that Kerr is knocked up! Plus Bloom has been doing some explaining on behalf of his new bride lately. The pair are vacationing/honeymooning in Anguilla. While there Kerr has had an uncharacteristic attack of bitchiness. Bloom kept apologizing on her behalf and explaining that she was preggers.

Make room for daddy, but mother knows best

Speaking of babies and sudden weddings the Palin-Johnston nuptials might be off. Bristol Palin had announced her reunion with and engagement to her baby daddy Levi Johnston. She made that announcement through the media since if her mom found out first she’d have a fit. Understandable, since Sister Sarah seems to have the idea that Levi Johnston, or Ricky Hollywood as she calls him, is shiftless irresponsible scum.

Levitol – jagged little pill

Presenting mom with a done deal would give her less to complain about, although a lot more to accept. Besides, it also gives Bristol & Levi (I tried making one of those cute couple combination names for them but it kept coming out Levitol – which sounds like an anti depressant. Maybe it’s okay to go on calling them Jethro & Juliet.) a chance to prove Sarah wrong about the shiftless stuff by parlaying their marriage into a reality TV deal.

Romeo is bleeding

AS it turns out Bristol the Pistol might’ve been better off listening to her mother. Seems that Ricky Hollywood is about to become a daddy again. Now if the announcement were about Bristol it would make sense of the engagement. However it seems that the lucky lady recipient of a shot of Levi’s love is a former girlfriend (So Sarah’s heart can start beating again!). According to Pulitzer Prize Nominated the National Enquirer (they nominated themselves for their work on the John Edwards story, but the committee accepted the nomination – so get over it) Levi got back in the sack with another old girlfriend – Lanesia Garcia – while he and Bristol were on hiatus.

If Levi ever changes, it’ll be into Homer Simpson

Naturally Bristol is upset. Reports have he ‘freaking out’ and considering calling off the wedding, maybe even the reality TV series! It has to be a slap in the face after her public build up of Levi. In interviews she described him as a changed man who occasionally changes a diaper without being asked (he wants that TV deal bad!), and who is even studying for his GED’s!

deal’s off – pending DNA results!

However there may be some hope for Romeo & Juliet. The woman now at the center of America’s latest teen scandal, Ms. Garcia, claims that she’s not exactly sure who the father might be. It’s probably Levi, but she’s gonna have a paternity test to be sure.

Ironic? Maybe, but also predictable.

Meanwhile that has a despondent Bristol sitting around clutching a Kleenex box and listing to Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill over and over on continuous replay, while Todd runs his chain saw to drown out the noise. Sarah merely struts around looking smug!

BTW the drama in this situation is heightened by the fact that Ms Garcia and Bristol were child hood best friends. They came to a falling out over – who else? – Levi. Lanesia was originally dating Levi when Bristol began sneaking around with him behind her friend’s back. Lanesia is reported as saying “there’s no way I believed Bristol would do this to me. When I confronted her she admitted it and said she thought that Levi was the one“. The girls haven’t spoken since. Lanesia also described Sarah as being like a second mom to her, but goes on to say that the former Alaskan Governor hasn’t spoken to her since, and that maybe those pit bull in lip stick depictions of Sarah Barracuda might be right!

the best of the rest

Incidentally word has it that Bristol is already lining up reality TV replacements for Levi. She’s assembled a short list of douche bags & scum buckets, but one name jumps out from the rest! The best part is that he’s already highly experienced as a father and a reality TV veteran!

 as brsitol palin contemplates dumping levi johsnton again, the way is now open for jon gosslein to make his move!

Hang in there, Sarah!

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Sieanna Miller expecting Jude Law’s child?

Not only are Jude Law & Sienna Miller back together – but there are talks if a rush-rush summer wedding!

Even Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil Fielder have enough sense not to get back with each other!

Sienna’s desperate for a pass back into the Hollywood A List since pissing off Crowe & Scott. Now that Law is doing Sherlock Holmes with Ironman the time seems right to pick up where they left off.

getting her foot back in the door

The time does seem right for that. Law probably has another Sherlock Holmes lined up with Downy so his career is back on the upswing – even though he’s now back with the broad who was the one who killed it in the first place! Sienna, being the sort of girl she is, knows that Law is a stepping stone to better things – like Robert Downy jr. Plus there’s the whole networking angle she can now play by being with Law again. She’s currently on the “don’t call us, we’ll call you” list.

it’s not what you know but who you know, & Sienna wants to know people who know people


So we have to wait and see whether she’s learned her lesson about fucking around, in which case her second chance might pay off; or whether she gets back to old tricks, in which case not only will her come back be short lived, but Law and Downy’s careers will go back into the toilet too. The wisest thing that Robert D can do right now is have Law replaced in the Holmes sequel – just to keep Miller out of the picture. If Jude’s seeing Slutty Sienna again then he’s already unreliable! The Titanic captain would’ve saved everyone a lot of trouble if only he’d steered clear of the iceberg!


BTW in the amazing world of entertainment and celebrity gossip “Share This” means “Hears Shit“!

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Full House and in the family way!

crack addled former child star Jodie Sweetin is pregnant againLindsay Lohan doesn’t understand why she is a target. She has a point. There are actresses way more fucked up than her. Like former Full House child star Jodie Sweetin. Not much became of Sweetin after she moved out and moved on from the Tanner residence. That is until she burst onto the pages of the National Enquirer. A sad story it was too.

It seems that Ms. Sweetin married a scuzz bag. By scuzz bag I mean that he’d need gene therapy to become slime. His name is Cody Helpin, and he’s a drug addict with less sex appeal and way more tattoos than any of Jesse James B team.

Cody and Jodie went on to struggle together with marriage and substance addiction. For her part Jodie stupidly squander over $250 000 on drugs and tattoos. For his part Cody had to stand by and watch as Jodie nearly OD’d, and spent hours in convulsions. So it’s clear who the victim is. If you need any more clues Cody refused to take Jodie to an ER during her near fatal overdose. He was far too concerned that his wife’s minimal fame might make her near death experience image damaging or something.

Cody & Jodie had more in common than drugs, sex, and brain damage. They popped out some kids along the way. That came in handy during their inevitable divorce (inevitable is such a strong word. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they were as likely to OD together). It gave them something else to keep fighting over. Cody insisted that Jodie was a drugged out ho’bag unfit to water plants much less raise kids. Jodie insisted that Cody had worked his magic on her impressionable mind – perhaps like Bobby Brown had on Whitney Houston – and got her hooked on dope so that she would use her money to support his habit, instead of her own. No one said that druggies are master strategists.

Jodie went on to state that she was now in recovery and living out the American Dream: a second chance! So she was far to focused on herself to ever jeopardizes her dreams by being a bad mom to her kids. Greed is good as some one once said in a flick. Well the case got kicked back and forth – custody issues that is. The divorce was already a done deal. He who had the kids had the money and money would come in handy while moving forward in a more positive direction.

Jodie wasted no time in grabbing onto her second chance. She got herself married up to a fine young feller named Morty Coyle. They’ve only been seeing each other for about a year, but they must have liked what they saw ’cause Jodie has once again jumped impulsively in head first. By that I mean that she’s got herself knocked up by her young man. The couple have announced through Jodie’s publicist that the pair are expecting a baby which is due this year. So let’s hope that history doesn’t repeat it’s self and that Jodie isn’t making some awful drug addled mistake that will play out in the tabloid headlines. I’m an optimist so I like to see that glass as half full. What it’s half full of is another question!

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Elin Woods knocked up

Just when things couldn’t get any worse for Sandra Bullock they did for Elin Woods!

Speaking of Sandra Bullock, I was exaggerating when I said that things couldn’t get worse. The imagination reels with the possible horrors tomorrow may hold for America’s Sweetheart.

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