Breaking Biden

 The following might be true, but probably isn’t because I made it up while my mind wandering during last night’s presidential debate!

After last night’s vice presidential debate people are asking themselves “Joe, what the fuck got into you?” Usually he’s Joe Gaffworthy, the guy you gotta watch cause occasionally he says things that got lost in translation, between speaker and listener. If people were waiting for one of those Joe Biden moments last night, though, then they got way more than they bargained for by getting more than they ever expected. Joe not only wiped the floor with Paul Ryan, but screwed the kid around  like he was a sailor on leave with a double dose of Viagra. Such a big change from the understated Biden from the Palin debate has people wondering if he really is on something like maybe steroids!

Joltin Joe

Well my fictitious sources tell me that the Veep ain’t juicin’, not on synthetic chemicals anyway. Joe Biden is in fact relying on a special blend of herbal pep pills to get his mojo in top gear for the difficult and challenging days ahead. It all started a while back. As you know Joe ain’t a spring chicken any more. Even though the job of vice pres is far from challenging – in fact a major job requirement is the being seen and not heard – Joe felt he needed a little something to put the spark in his plugs.So, & on the recommendation of Al Gore, he began taking Korean Red Ginseng. After a week he was all go, & in a month Biden was over heard bragging that he “feels like Bill Clinton!

gotta get the zinger back in the droopy drawers

Now pep can be addictive. However it was the disappointing Obama debate that pushed Biden to extremes.  Party insiders privately felt that the president had dropped the ball, & was in danger of letting the team down. Quite frankly the Beltway Dems were frightened that they’d be out of work in about a month, as the White House got packed to the brim with more Mormons than Howard Hughes Las Vegas penthouse back during the ‘saving his urine‘ crazy days! Let’s face it, Wash DC was in danger of turning into a Donnie & Marie Osmond Bros family reunion!

Joe Biden is a one man stimulus package waiting to happen!

Aware of the growing malaise within the democratic party’s inner circle Joe Biden decided something had to be done. The last time the dems had an attack of malaise was during Jimmy Carter and that lead to Ronald Reagan and almost 15 years of republican government. Only Good Time Willie snapped liberals out of their slump. Rather than let that happen again Biden boosted his ginseng dosage. He also began blending it with an exotic cocktail of herbal all natural mood elevators and energy boosters! Stuff like wheatgrass, moringa, royal jelly, tumbo tortu, kava java, etc. This would usually be mixed together in a blender and then served up to the Veep in a Red Bull smoothy!

Paul Ryan might be pretty, but it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing!

The stuff worked like a charm.Within days Biden was barreling around the white house like a fireball! “Just relax and let me take care of it Bar” became his new catch phrase. By the time the debate came around Biden was like a rocket twitching on the launch pad and ready for take off. However it had some side effects. Stuff like the smirking, and laughing to himself, that people noticed. Plus the debate had to be switched to a sit down round table type format. That’s because since Joe has been on the new energy booster routine he’s had a more or less permanent erection! So naturally they couldn’t do the thing standing up. Stimulus packages aside – viewers might see more than they were supposed to. Like a whole different kinda Big Bird! Then they might vote Democrat for all the wrong reasons!

“This shit has changed me from what I was into what I can be – So I’m Jack Kennedy now!”

Dems are pretty happy about last night’s performance. Joe left em happy. However they’re not necessarily wanting more. For one thing they’re a little concerned about those twitchy side effects. Not that they thjink he could gamma ray over dose and turn into the Incredible Hulk. They are afraid that a turbo charged Joe Biden could go berserk and then run off on some pre election sexual rampage. Though sex scandals have helped make the democratic party great, and might even be long over due, it’s the last thing the party needs right now. So the back room boys are trying to talk Biden in to toning it down. They want him to cut out the weird herbal junk mixed up with red bull, and maybe cut back to the simple red ginseng tablets. Joe’s only reply is if they’ve run into Sarah Palin lately and if she asks about him. So they’re working on a secret plot to get the veep into rehab should he start to go completely out of control. Today Sarah Palin, tomorrow Paris Hilton!

borrowed mojo

Meanwhile the President is very supportive of the idea. Besides he’s been seen lately hanging around the veep’s office and rummaging through the medicine cabinet in it’s private washroom. Aides aren’t to concerned about this because the Pres seems to be getting his old confidence back. Also Michelle is privately saying that “Barack hasn’t been this frisky in years!” A few insiders are expressing concern about the President’s recent facial & muscles twitches, but hopeful organizers are writing them off as a pack of George Stephanopouli

Remember to keep reading wondertrash because we’re a stimulus package that’s always in a swing state!

Enhanced by Zemanta

Watch Lindsay Lohan Age Before Your Eyes (VIDEO)

it seems like yesterday since she’s been around forever

It seems like Lindsay Lohan has been around forever. That’s because she started young. At an early age she was sold into celebrity bondage while still a child. Some blame her parents for this. Now that’s kind of harsh. They didn’t send her up in a balloon or anything, while negotiating with CNN for rights to exclusive child in distress video footage. Nor was she one of a multi embryo celebrood spawned specifically for the purposes of reality TV! Still her parents probably didn’t do much to help. That’s why she’s had to rely on the kindness of strangers over the years, like such as Dr. Drew. Perhaps those high minded meddlers were more strange than kind as Lindsay hasn’t fared too well.

life is a moving violation

Now Lindz has had her problems, like repeated run ins with the law. It seems like Lohan has spent more time in front of a judge than a camera over the past several years. Now to give the poor young lady the benefit of the doubt much of that stemmed from probation violations from previous probation violations from the original charges for things as innocuous as drinking and driving, or blowing off community service and court mandated rehab. It’s like a small nucleus of petty criminal infractions has pyramided out into a life of crime. Then again that Lindsay does have an attitude – like the time she got into that snit with a staff member at Betty Ford. Gosspistas will recall that Lohan got caught coming or going over the wall – like Steve McQueen in the Great Escape, & by a staff member who wasn’t a fan of the film. Next thing you know TMZ is in on the act and the staff member is wearing a neck brace (maybe she had her arm in a sling) and law suits are getting talked about. That poor woman eventually lost her job. You can’t work at Betty Ford if celebrity clients are afraid that there gonna get sued. The case may have been eventually settled or dropped – moral of the story is it don’t pay to play with firecrotch.

sleazy going

So Lindsay has done a lot of troubled living in her 25 years. When you burn the candle at both ends it tends to show. Lohan hasn’t just burned it but set it off like a fire cracker. That’s left her in the worse for wear club. Everyone knows that stress takes it out of you. Just look at Presidents serving especially trying terms of office. They go from youthful America’s Quaterback types with athletic good looks and sleazy easy going charm to grey haired dessicated old geezers recovering from their triple by passes. As for Lohan she’s in worse shape these days than Ronald Reagan was after his run in with David Hinkley! It’s so bad that the last time she really made the news it was the days after hosting Saturday Night Live (her idea). That morning former 80’s rocker Debbie Harry walked out on the street and got swarmed by paparazzi who mistook her for Lohan!

So how bad is it? You can survey the damage that the ravages of fame & see for yourself by viewing the following video. Brace yourself and if there are children present then you might want to get them out of the room before you run this thing.

a little clockwork orange with her vodka?

So what happened to the woman who used to be the promising girl with a spark? Most people blame the usual suspects like drugs and alcohol. If only there were some way to force her to get help, they think, perhaps through amputation or mind control, then she could be restored to some well behaved zombie version of her former self. She might no longer be the girl with the spark they reason but at least you could let her out ion public. So she’d wind up like Alex in a Clockwork Orange – that is unless she rejected her programming and went on one massive relapse bender. Fans of Clockwork Orange will recall that brain washing has side effects – though maybe a light mental flossing might be in order.

you’ve got to reach the top before rock bottom is a worth while trip

Others think that lousy parenting combined with the absence of any real friends in her life as left her at a lose. They closest thing she’s ever had to a nurturing relationship was they time she shared with Samantha Ronson. People who were normally supportive of gay relationships seemed very disapproving of that one. Officially it was because they assumed she was faking it in some kind of an attempt to get attention – not that she’s ever had to attempt to get attention. Unofficially it was probably because they thought Ronson was ‘enabling’ her and it was gonna be a lot more difficult to get to her if she was hiding behind her lover. People have to be isolated and broken down if you’re gonna get them to rock bottom and the pint at which they’re ready to receive help on your terms – oh those rehab power struggles! Charlie Sheen could tell you a thing or two about that believe me!

Baphomet strikes again! – another victim of the New World Order

The conspiracy minded, whom I include myself among, believe that it’s because Hollywood is infested with Illuminati demon worshipers who seek out the brightest and best from America’s youth, lure them into the candy shop like some infernal flame drawing unwary moths, and then proceeds to corrupt them. In practice corrupting them means chewing them up and spitting them out through the usual process of flunkies, drugs, bad deals, plastic surgery, nude photo spreads, tattoos, alternative celebrity spirituality cults, rehab, law suits, and failed comebacks. It’s happened to Britney Spears and Megan Fox is current somewhere in the midst of that cycle. In the end what’s left is unrecognizable.

the down side of child sacrifice

However what happened is only speculation. Only Lindsay may know for sure and no one would believe her if she told them. For one thing no one’s gonna listen to that lying little druggie! So she’s better off keeping quiet, except for whatever she’s obliged to say under oath in a courtroom. What we do know is that celebrity has worked out about as well for her as it has for most of the other child stars out there – except for the ones who died. Saying that fame and fortune ain’t everything it’s cracked up to be, no matter what they – tell you might sound like a bit of a cliche, but in this case it’s more of a truism. So if you have children of your own and are thinking about cashing in on their youth and potential then think twice. You know how that’s gonna work out. Further more no one will believe that you didn’t. That means your excuses won’t wash in the merciless court of public opinion (where they can’t hang you but they’ll get you one way or another cause there’s more than one way to skin a cat!). After all you were warned, and should’ve been smart enough to know different anyway! You’ve seen that show before for one thing!

There are no refunds for a misspent youth so give your heart a facelift!

Part of the trouble with the entertainment business is that it’s a little like selling your soul, or at least like cashing in on youth and beauty. Trouble with that is there are no refunds, no matter how good your plastic surgeon is. The best you can do is roll back the odometer a little for a while. Eventually the mileage catches up with you and brings along the interest charges. Sadly there are no facelifts for the soul, except for perhaps Qaballah.

Saving face or taking heart – gossip that’s like a personal trainer for your soul

However you don’t have to get involved in the celebrity rat race to enjoy show biz. You can do it vicariously and from a safe distance through Wondertrash – the blog that doesn’t look a day over 30!

Enhanced by Zemanta

Damon in the details

Matt Damon has been getting some flack lately, perhaps because he’s taken some kind of a political stand. Now that’s just asking for it because politics is one of America’s great team sports. It used to be about the nation’s business before people learned to stop taking it too seriously. That opened it up for celebrity involvement and FOX News!

Anyway Damon started making statements and that got him attention and drew some fire, like from Glenn Beck and others. Here’s Glenn Beck deconstructing some of Damon’s comments!

So the gist of that seems to be that the rich should pay more but be careful about getting sidetracked on details or Ronald Reagan could get hauled into it. For kids who don’t remember Ronnie is the man who made it okay to be rich in America again. He also inspired Michael Douglas to invent the 1% in the original Wall Street! Reagan is also the guy who came up with the less government regulation idea that today’s neocons don’t like to take too literally. For instance more government spending on the military makes it possible for a government to intervene in almost anything! The free market may be more of a metaphor for “too big too fail”.

Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

Enhanced by Zemanta
  • Calendar

    • June 2020
      M T W T F S S
  • Search