Pistol Packin’ Pippa

Riding the carousel of hope

Celebrities are people who like to pretend that they’ve done something. That’s a compromise between the desire to be important and whatever is holding them back, like fear & insecurity, laziness, complacency, or a deep vein of laize faire. Many of them recognize this – perhaps through a deep process of introspection or just the usual therapy, and that can draw them into various kinds of activism. This is an election year so you’ll see that soon.

enough to stop you in your tricks

Incidentally the difference between politicians and celebrities is that celebs like to pretend that they’ve done something and politicians like to pretend that they haven’t. Remember the time when Richard M Nixon swore up and down that he wasn’t a crook? Nixon’s problem was that he just wasn’t a very good actor. So one thing that you can say about actors is that at least pretending to do stuff is less dangerous than actually doing stuff, most of the time.

The Circus comes to Paris – more unforgettable royal moments

Sometimes pretending to do something can backfire. That’s what happened to Pippa Middleton recently on a trip to Paris. For the half dozen or so people who don’t know Pippa Middleton is the younger sister of the Duchess of MiddletonPrince William’s new bride Mrs. Kate Windsor. She’s a cute girl who became even more attractive through her sister’s new found cache. So she’s kind of a British Bristol Palin. She was rumored to be involved with William’s younger brother Prince Harry for awhile but whenever he’s asked about it he laughs and shakes his head. Harry’s known to be a bit impulsive and trouble prone but no one really wants to be involved with Pips cause she brings the circus to town. No one that is except the few brave souls who went out in public with her during her recent Parisian excursion. That turned out badly.

Pippa the pistol

Pippa was out and about seeing and being seen while riding around town in an Audi and accompanied by some hoity-toity friends like fashion mogul Arthur de Soultrait. You can imagine how many friends you make when your parents are millionaires and your sister is married to the Prince of Wales! It was Soultrait’s birthday recently so no doubt everyone was still feeling on top of the world. So when they noticed some pesky paparazzi tailing them it was understandable that some youth high spiritless ensued. By high spiritedness I mean that there was an ‘incident’. The police weren’t so understanding because the incident involved a gun.

Pippa & co. vs the scuttlebutt shutterbugs

Seems that when Pippa & co. noticed that shutterbugs were on their tail they responded like Capt. Kirk when there are Klingon’s off the starboard bow! One of Pips’ companions whipped out a gun and then took aim straight at one of the cameramen. From the pics that are now circulating around the world the guy drew a bead right on the paparazzo! That’s a kind of unfair duel since the paps is shooting pictures. In an information age that left Pips friend outgunned.

especially scandalous

Now the reason this is especially scandalous is that France has some very strict gun laws. It goes back to the whole war on terrorism thing. France was one of the ‘coalition of the willing’ if you’ll recall. It’s only natural that they would’ve been supportive since then American President George W Bush is a descendant of French nobleman and founding member of the Knights Templar Godfrey de Bouillon (The Templars have been threatening a reunion for years, just like one of those classic 70’s rock bands). Supportive is fine but it can have side effects like restrictive laws and TSA groin grabs!

who would’ve guessed that the war on terror would eventually catch a celebrity?

In this case one of the results were some restrictive fire arms laws. For instance it is absolutely forbidden to use a gun to warn people off. If you have a license of a gun you must keep is covered at all time and out of sight of the public. If you break the law you could wind up spending 7 years behind bars. Now the guy is claiming that the gun was a fake and everyone – not surprisingly – is agreeing with him. Though the only thing you can tell from the pictures is that the gun appears to be a semi automatic & pointed at a photographer, even the paparazzo is swearing up and down that it was a toy. If the gun is a fake they could still send the guy away for 2.

Worst Case Ontario

What this means is that the police will be investigating. Pippa’s world famous body could even be hauled in for questioning. That’s bad enough but in a worst case scenario:

“If the evidence points to [Pippa Middleton’s] involvement, she will be prosecuted,” a judicial source told Us Weekly. “Anybody involved in the illegal use of a handgun in public is liable to arrest and interrogation.”

spinning it old school

Not that it’s likely to happen. Pippa wasn’t holding the gun. The guy sittin’ beside her is probably in a world of trouble right now though. The Royal Family is kind of in a state too. They’ve been contacted for a comment. That’s just the kind of a call they sit around eagerly waiting for. They responded with real enthusiasm too. A Royal Spokesperson said that since Pippa is not a member of the Royal Family then it’s not the Royal Family’s responsibility. That’s how you say “No comment now fuck off” in upper class britspeak.

the way I see it – like a live grenade with the Pip pulled out

So where does this leave us? There’s a young man in Paris looking at criminal charges cause he had the misfortune to be sitting next to Pippa Middleton (& sitting next to her is like sitting next to a grenade with the pin pulled out – you never know when it’s gonna go off!). Plus the Royal Family are sitting around wondering how much trouble Pippa is gonna make for them. The Middletons have no doubt got an earful from their other daughter – the good one – who no doubt got it from her husband who got it from his father Prince Charles who got it direct from the Queen or by way of Prince Phillip, depending on the seriousness of the situation. That’s called a chain reaction.

dodging bullets like Wonder Woman

So the Middletons, who are an ambitious family that just got the biggest break they could ever get are probably sitting around wondering how to make Pippa tow the line. That probably has Pippa reflecting that having a Duchess as your big sister is no fun sometimes. So when Prince Harry laughs and shakes his head about her then maybe he’s a wiser young man than everyone has taken him for. In other worlds Pippa’s a bad girl to be standing next to in a lightening storm! Then again many celebrities are dangers to themselves and others.

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Princess Diana police facing possible arrest

After her mother's death in 2003, Stella Vine ...Image via WikipediaRemember when Princess Diana said that Prince Charles was gonna have her bumped off? No one paid too much attention at the time. That’s just what people going through a bad divorce say. Still Diana was pretty insistent that something bad was gonna happen to her. She told a number of people – including her butler, made a number of semi public statements about it, and even put it in writing several times. Diana said that she would be gotten rid of possibly through some kindof car accident. When she actually died by in a car accident, while vacationing in Paris with fiancee Dodi el Fayd, it seemed like one hell of a coincidence.

secrets in safe keeping
It was even more of a coincidence that a few weeks after her death, Lady Diana’s lawyer Lord Mishcon handed Scotland Yard chief Lord Condon a note in which Diana predicted her death by auto accident. The highly-respected lawyer’s document records the line: “Efforts would be made if not to get rid of her (be it by some accident in her car, such as a pre-prepared brake failure or whatever)…at least to see that she was so injured or damaged as to be declared unbalanced.” That note took some time to get to light. That’s partly because it spent at least three years locked in Condon’s office safe. I say that it spent at least three years in Condon’s safe because the safe was only Condon’s for three years. After he stepped down Lord Stevens took over the office and the safe. The note stayed on as a long term resident of the office strong box.
hi balls & chasers
This is where things get sticky. There were separate Diana Inquiries in both France and Britian. The British one clued up by concluding that it was a damned shame that Princess Diana allowed herself to be chauffeured around by a drunk, pill popping, mentally unstable Frenchman. The drunk unstable Frenchman would have been Henri Paul, who was taking medications for depression and was allegedly drunk on the night of the crash. Some reports had him 5 to 10 drinks under the weather and not up to a high speed chase with the paparazzi. Add those crazy French drivers into the equation and it was a recipe for disaster.
those French sure do things different
Not surprisingly the French see things a little differently. The current head of the French inquiry – Judge Gerard Caddeo, is concerned about the ‘murder note’. Specifically he wants to know why something relevant to the investigation, and possible evidence of foul play, had been kept under wraps for so long. To that end he’d like to have a little chat with the particulars Lord Condon and Lord Stevens; those two fine English gentleman who kept Diana’s death memo in the office safe for so long. In fact he’d even like them to take a little jaunt across the channel so that he can ask them some simple question while they enjoy some French hospitality.

French fields
Now neither of these fine and illustrious gentlemen seem to have any plans for a French vacation anytime soon. Lord Condon said only the other day, in regards to the issue, that “I have not been asked to go to Paris,” he said. “There was discussion of all these things at the inquest and if there is anything else, you will have to speak to the legal affairs department at Scotland Yard. This is not the time or place for this.
noblesse oblige, or something like that
Meanwhile Judge Caddeo has been in contact with Sylvie Petit-Leclair – a French Judge attached to the French Embassy in London. Petit-Leclair specializes in cross channel legal issues. Judge Caddeo has also been in contact with the Home Office – busy fellow – demanding their help in getting interviews with the rogue gentlemen. Now these letters aren’t freindly “how do you dos” but ‘International Letters Rogatory’. Those are formal requests, and they name Condon and David as suspects. Caddeo especially wants to speak to Condon, to ask him why a note reporting that the Princess had been “informed by sources worthy of her trust” that an attempt was being made to “eliminate her in an orchestrated automobile accident” was withheld from French investigators by the British Embassy & Scotland Yard. So the Diana issue is heating up!
For more on the story go to Express.co.uk


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