Future Queen of England knocked up out of wedlock


In the Royal Family way!

For those of you worried about Kate Middleton’s plunging weight fear no more. She could be packing on the pounds in no time flat. That’s because – if rumours are to be believed – the future Queen is already in the family way. “Family way” is a delicate way of saying that she’s already knocked up!

The Royal Shenanigans

Now this little piece of scuttlebutt was broken by none other than Star Magazine. They’ve they’ve published these “Middleton preggers” stories before. Most notably was a piece they released back in June 2010. Back then they announced that Kate and William had been up to conduct unbecoming. No to give ’em a break it has been an awfully long engagement. So I think that we can rule out the idea that they’ve been saving themselves for the wedding night. Anyway Star reported that the usual shenanigans had gotten out of hand and that Kate had gotten herself into a right state. They went on to claim that the Palace was on high alert – what ever their equivalent to defcon 1 is they were on it. So they were all scrambling around like mad hatters (they do that anyway) trying to avoid another royal scandal.

Don’t believe everything you read – you read that here!

Not surprisingly Clarence House – HQ for the Prince of Wales alias The Man Who Would Be King – issued a terse statement called the scandalous tabloid story “a load of rubbish“. Some o f us might have hoped for something like “balderdash” or even “poppycock“, but times have changed. The story was further discredited when a Mississippi University professor, Samir Husni – who may or may not be an expert on either royalty, rumour, or single mothers (actually he’s a journalism prof so that kind of makes him an expert on all three with a greater than average knowledge of alcoholism and cigarette addiction!) reminded everyone that “Be wary, very wary, of what you read in the ‘gossip’ magazines. Proceed with caution and pretend you are watching a soap opera.” Since Kate didn’t expand and issue forth, the story was quickly forgotten as people moved on to more pressing issues like Suri Cruise and American Idol!

“Predicting the future ain’t much of a talent, to be sure.”
~ Al Capp

Now the secret of tabloid predictions is that if some thing doesn’t happen wait about a year and then say the same thing again. Sooner or later it’s bound to happen and then you get the satisfaction of saying “I told you so!” This is how the National Enquirer accurately predicted Michael Jackson’s death, and how they are currently working on getting rid of Kirstie Alley and Oprah Winfrey! Now with the Royal Wedding moving into hi gear I guess that Star Mag figured that the time was right to trot this one out again. Everyone will be interesting in anything royal. Besides if the happy couple make a post honey moon announcement then the story looks legitimate – so to speak. If not then the whole sorry business will probably get lost in the Royal Wedding Mania Shuffle!

absurd is not necessarily untrue

Now for those of you interested, and let’s face it who isn’t, the Star is claiming that Kate is already pregnant. In fact she’s so far along that she”s afraid an attack of morning sicknesses gonna screw up her special day! This is also why Kate is off her head with nerves as the day of days approaches. Further more things are so far advanced that the sex of the child is already determined. it’s a girl and William as decided to name her Diana! Not surprisingly Buckingham Palace – that’s one step up the pecking order from Clarence House – has called the whole thing absurd” and “certainly not true. That’s disappointing for those of us still waiting for “poppycock!” As for the Star, they claim that they got the story fair and square, and from one of those underpaid, over worked, and notoriously disgruntled Palace workers that decided to break their confidentiality contracts. The Palace makes everyone who has the honour of serving them sign one of those, just like the Church of Scientology and the Jolie-Pitts!

… and Elvis is the father!

Could the story be true? Probably not. Kate certainly isn’t showing. In fact her weight has been plunging. She used to be a healthy young lady, once upon a time. As she got more and more involved with the Reptilians – as Brit conspiracist David Icke colourfully refers to the Royals, her weight started to drop. She currently down to Posh Spice – Beckham proportions (hyphenated names are just so classy – as least some things don’t change!). If she gets any thinner then she will be able to turn invisible by standing sideways. Now that’s a trick that will come in handy in her future profession, and once the paparazzi gets hot on her tail! However her ever shrinking frame just isn’t consistent with a woman ready to pop right there in Westminster Abbey! So I think that you can probably file this one under “more shocking revelations!“, like “Britney Spears Pregnant with Space Baby“, and “Wynonna Judd Secret Affair with Bigfoot Revealed!” – that last one is covered in half sis Ashley’s new autobio “Naomi & Wynonna can kiss my ass!“; another disgruntled ‘source’. as for the tabs, if they want a real royal story then they ought to get on Prince Willie’s future mother in lawe, cause that chick is warming up to be Britain’s answer to Billy Carter (member him?). Otherwise they’re gonna have to go back to those “Valerie Bertinelli Bikini Diet” stories to regain their *ahem* credibility.

wondertrash
Advertisements

Kate Cracking?

With the anticipated royal Wedding moving up into hi gear everyone suddenly wants to know all sorts of things about Queen in waiting Kate Middleton. They want to know things like “is it true that her mother chewed gum in front of the Queen?” That is true and is a social faux pas even worse than touching the Queen’s person – the gaff Michelle Obama will never live down. Michelle has been keeping a low profile these days since she can’t turn around in public without getting lambasted by the media for wearing her shorts too tight or forgetting to have the sleeves attached to her blouse. Becoming a stay at home first lady is just so much easier when it allows you to avoid so much shit. As for Mrs. Middleton, she shows no signs of staying at home, except to run her online business for marketing bootleg Royal Wedding memorabilia! That’s another big faux pas, and Middleton seems determined to go right on making them. Think of her as the Clinton’s version of Billy Carter (things are about to get interesting for that family!), and set to turn the Royal Soap Opera in to an episode of Keeping Up Appearances!

Enough with the bad mother in law jokes and on to what Ms. Kate can bring to the table. Word has it, and by word I mean the usual tittle tattle, that has the anticipated day approaches she’s driving her future husband, the future king, to distraction with some of her own irritating little habits. Habits like smoking. Kate has always enjoyed a cigarette, or a fag as he English call em. They helped keep her weight down in addition ot making her look stylish and sophisticated. Actually ciggies only made people look smart and sophisticated in 1940’s era movie romances, usually starring Humphrey Bogart. Nowadays they’re supposed to make celebrities seem edgy and a little dangerous – unless the Sheenius manages to kill the tobacco market. As for Kate, she liked the way they helped suppress her appetite and kept her weight under control.

Prince William isn’t such a fan of the controversial product. In fact he things it’s a filthy habit. This is something that he never tires of reminding his future bride about at every opportunity. Those opportunities are getting more frequent as the day approaches. Sources say that as the wedding day gets nearer, Kate’s tobacco consumption increasing. The cause is stress. Middleton is getting so worked up about being a princess (who knew that could be such a bad break? You would, if you are a regular Wondertrash reader!) that she’s resorting to the cancer sticks to help clam her nerves! This is in much the same way that her prospective mother in law whatever Camilla Bowles Parker has resorted to gin binges to deal with the trauma of being suddenly displaced in the royal pecking order by a little middle class upstart (Readers will recall that a little while back Wondertrash posted that Camilla had some sort of a break down after hearing that Middleton had been promoted above her in the Windsor hierarchy. This would officially require Camilla to courtesy to Kate. That was an indignity that Camilla couldn’t bear. Plus it reminded her that she’s never gonna be queen. So Camilla took to her private washroom with a gin bottle, and the bent her elbow with a drunken vengeance. Before the whole sorry episode was over Camilla was yelling at the walls. By the time staff found her she was out cold and in distress. So the Duchess had to be carted off to a top secret nut house where royals are housed when they temporarily loose their marbles. This happens from time to time, just the way Capt Kirk’s ego would act up on Star Trek, so that he had to be declared unfit to command once or twice each season.).

Naturally this has observers, and other inquiring minds, asking whether the pressure is getting to the poor girl. The consensus seems to be a resounding “YES!” Let’s face it, Princes of wales, eventually, is a tough gig. When reality sets in, probably about the same time as the press starts watching your every move and criticizing everything you do, it’s bound to be a bit daunting. The Windsors, being the paragons of human sensitivity we’ve come to know then as through the movie The Queen, and through the struggles of the late Princess Diana, can be much support. Let’s face it, they’re about as warm and cuddle as a school of hungry piranhas!

The thing is that Kate’s sudden pre wedding panic attack shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. Kate watchers must’ve noticed that the young woman has been steadily losing weight for some time. Now she’s down to the Posh Spice Beckham level of emaciation. Eating disorders are the usual way that young when nowadays deal with stress. that’s especially true when the stress comes in the form of the pressure to be perfect, or at least not to have any obvious flaws. Princess Diana was pretty up front about her own struggles with anorexia during her time as a royal.

So the question is “will she make it?” At this stage in the game the poor kid doesn’t have much of a choice. The invitations have already been sent out. Besides Hyacinth is already waiting for her freshly minted “mother of the queen” peerage to arrive in the mail. That opens all sorts of doors for an ambitious social climber ready to take hi society by storm – popping chewing gum and marketing t shirts every step of the way. So calling it off is off. Kate might make some half assed break for freedom – which didn’t work for Diana – by maybe holding some surprise press conference to make some startling allegation that would disqualify her as future royalty except that she probably so monitored that she can’t get out of the house these days without a retinue of minders keeping an eye on her while protecting her from the public. So she wouldn’t even get a shot at some off the cuff outrage for the benefit of passers bys with cell cams. That means short of alien abduction, her fate is sealed. So what can you say except Carry On Queenie, and smoke em while you got em, till they come to take em away!

wondertrash

Camilla goes 5150 – Cracks Up!

Some sad news coming out of Britain by way of the National ExaminerCamilla Parker Bowles has gone 5150. Now it’s been a rough month for Camilla. Just a little while back she and Charles were accosted by some rowdy protesters. The protesters were up in arms over tuition hikes which would make it practically impossible for ordinary British to pursue a higher education. So naturally they took to the street french revolution style. IN fact the peasants haven’t been that over heated in that neck of the woods since Bastille Day. Anyway Charles and Cami take to the streets in their 77 Rolls at the same time. They paid the price for not having the good sense to lay low when protesters surrounded the car. Camilla got poked in the ribs when one young woman reached through the open window with a stick

So it was a bad time for Camilla to get the news that she recently got. Camilla had been expecting to ascend to the throne for years. Charles had been kind of leading her on in that respect too. IN a recent NBC interview when asked about the possibility of Camilla becoming Queen he responded “We’ll see. Maybe“. The Queen had other ideas and apparently recently told Camilla that she’ll never be queen. To emphasis the point she’s promoted young Kate Middleton up the social pecking order and above Camilla in the protocols. That means Camilla technically is required to curtsy in Middleton’s presence.

Camilla didn’t take that too well – in fact she had a nervous breakdown. According to insiders Camilla holed herself up in the washroom of Clarence House with a gin bottle. After awhile she began crying and shouting at the walls. Servants were afraid to enter until after the room fell silent, when they found Camilla passed out on the floor and chewing her own tongue. Camilla was strapped to a gurney – Britney Spears style – and carted off for treatment. Officialy she was taken to her private residence – Ray Hill House – to recover. Unofficially she was taken to a top secret mental facility were the Royals go when they turn wacky.

This shouldn’t be too surprising. The Royal Family are harder on their women than the Kennedys. Diana herself reportedly went nuts a few times during her marriage to Prince Charles. Being a cold blooded reptilian doesn’t come naturally to most people, who weren’t born into it (and thank God we weren’t) and some never get the hang of it. So observers might think that the Duchess of Cornwall has merely succumbed to an occupational hazard (and once that Young Kate might want to watch out for .

However Kate should do fine. Whereas Diana was a sensitive Cancer, Kate’s a tough minded & ambitious Capricorn. So the gig shouldn’t be too tough for her, unless she goes paranoid and turns Nixon or something “They’re out to get me, because they’re jealous of me – that’s it!“). However if conspiracy theorists, like the late Dodi al Fayd’s father, are to be believed, then maybe guilt is catching up with her. In case you’re one of the half dozen people on the planet who hasn’t heard about the Diana Conspiracies – here they are in a video nutshell.

A lot of people have their doubts about the Royal Family. That could be due to their lack of normal human emotion, their peculiar practices and customs, or even their alleged connections to the Illuminati (David Icke has done some great work on that). For a special look at Prince William’s Illuminati ties head over to Area 51!


Now I that hand signal looks familar it’s because you’ve probably seen it many many times before:

https://i1.wp.com/i.ytimg.com/vi/uKWVu0BsFkE/hqdefault.jpg

https://i0.wp.com/i.ytimg.com/vi/_x6inINzThw/hqdefault.jpg

https://mocksure.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/betty-white-186bb080409.jpg?w=240

https://mocksure.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/johnlennon-illuminatiinductionhandsign.jpg?w=288

https://mocksure.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/pat_robertson_devil_sign.jpg?w=300

Now it looks bad but it’s worse than it looks: not only is Barack Obama Illuminati, but he’s also a Vulcan!

https://i1.wp.com/img.trekmovie.com/images/obamatrek.jpg

https://i1.wp.com/laughingsquid.com/wp-content/uploads/spock-vulcan-salute-20090521-094535.jpg

https://mocksure.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/fonz.jpg?w=223

https://mocksure.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/2.jpg?w=300

Coming soon to Wondertrash: Flaky diets & kooky cancer cures (and no it’s not the coffee enema!)!

It tastes a little like asphalt – not that I go around eating asphalt, regularly. Be careful, because while it hasn’t been proven to cure cancer, it does cause chronic constipation! Oh yeah, and Epsom Salts can cure depression (but it ain’t as much fun as booze or weed)!

wondertrash

The Prince and the Housewife

When Harry Met Cathy!

Catherine Ormanney is the star of Real Housewives of DC. She’s also the wife of Newsweek photojourno Charles Ormanney – whom she is now in the process of divorcing. She was also a former acquittance of Prince Harry. Now the ex pat Brit has always been upfront about her Harry connection, or so everyone thought.

According to Cat she met Harry years ago, while hew as still and impressionable young royal and before she had matured into cougar status. She claimed that she met Harry in some night club or another and they spent the evening drinking talking and smooching until about 3 AM. Nothing happened and it was all very sweet. Her former housekeeper Monica Herrero has a different story.

According to Monica there was more going on between them then anyone – except her – realized. Monica was in a position to know because even though she was a lowely servant when every Catherine got excited she spilled her guts tot he help. This is gewtting kind of Usptairs Downstairs!

Anyway Herrero says that one Cat implied that she and Harry were pretty cozy. She even went further, showing the house keeper personal messages from HRH Harry in which he claimed he wanted to take Ormanney – then named Davis and bouncing back from a previous divorce – by the hand and take her around the world. So she was over the moon!

The plot thickens. Every so often a chauffeur driven car would pull up in front of the house. According to Herrero Ormanney’s daughter would tell her that it was the car Prince Harry sent to pick up their mother. Now Harry is no doubt a great chap, but we can assume that he wasn’t merely lending the single mom the use of the royal limo so that she could get her errands done.

Now with William about to wed Kate Middleton in the wedding of the century, Ormanney has been thinking about her past brush with royalty. She’s even been asked about it a few times. She’s had to answer questions like would she hook back up with Harry again is the opportunity presented it’s self. Ormanney responded that “There’s no way in a million years that anything is going to happen between us. But is was lovely to spend the evening with him – and be kissed by a prince!” That’s reassuring. It shows that Ormanney at least has retained a basic grip on reality. As well it’s a relief for those wondering just how far reality TV was gonna go. The world just ain’t ready for Harry and Ormanney in a Prince & Showgirl type of TV show. That would bethe kindof dog and pony show where viewers might not besure which member of the pair was playing the back end of the horse!

Speaking of Real DC Housewives here’s the latest picture of Mrs Robert Altman. It’s taken shortly after he big 6-0, and you’ll probably agree that she looks wonderful. BTW for everyone wondering who Mrs Robert Altman is – she’s better known by her alter ego, Lynda Carter!


For those Gary Bell View From Space followers here’s his latest broadcast. Enjoy & don’t freak out!

http://www.4shared.com/embed/469163281/300d5a53

wondertrash

Anarchy in the UK

Is this an angry mob, or just another bunch of soccer fans coming from a game?



a sorry story


Prince Charles
and Camilla Parker Bowles have gotten into the news again. Camilla first came to public attention when she married Prince Charles after the death of his 1st wife Diana Spencer. That was far from the beginning of their relations. Charles had seen Camilla way back in his bachelor days. He continued to see her on the sly even after his marriage. Rumors had it that Camilla was the one who picked Diana out for Charles thinking that Diana was a sweet but thick girl, and that they could carry on as usual right under her nose. That takes the pressure off of going behind her back. If Camilla was counting on Diana to be a pasty then she must’ve been sorely surprised.

post modern princess

Somewhere along the line, perhaps after Harry’s birth (Prince, not Potter) the fog started to lift. Diana caught on to what was going on. Instead of taking it lying down, Diana decided to make a spectacle of herself. She also dabbled in self empowerment, fashion, and public relations. She also started complaining to everyone who would listen – including giving that infamous Panorama interview.

post modern fairy tale

It seems that life at the palace wasn’t so fairy story after all. Charles cheating, criticism, and emotional coldness left Diana a basket case. Her in laws didn’t care for her either. That lead to plenty of melodramatics, according to such sources as Andrew Morton. According to some accounts Diana hurled herself down a flight of stairs while pregnant. Another time, during an argument with her husband she slashed her chest; either with her finger nails or with broken glass – I’m not certain. The melodramatics turned Charles off, rather than drawing him back. Perhaps Diana was becoming a handful (& no one likes a handful). Either way a picture was developing of Prince Charming as an ogre, and the beautiful princess practically being held in the dungeon.

We have something in common that no one can ever take away – irreconcilable difference! Now let’s make history!

Having reached the point of irreconcilable difference (marriage at an impasse) there was nothing left but for Charles and Diana to make history. This they did by becoming the first royal couple since England became Christian. The fact that the Queen consented to it to divorce shows how bad thing had become. The Royal Family has been shit terrified of divorce ever sine Edward the 8th took up with Wallace Simpson (poor Ole Eddie never realized why people though his abdication was a tragedy and not romantic). Since the Brit monarch is also head of the Church of England, the Royals regard divorce something the way Superman looks at Kryptonite. Divorce had the ability to derail a Royal.

life and death in the fast lane

Diana bounced back after the bust up, and seemed ready to take on the world. She even hooked up with a hot new guy – Dodi al Fayed. Dodi was a billionaire who’s father owned Harrods. He himself had produced Chariots of Fire, and had dated a bevy of beauties including Brooke Shields. With money and a taste for world class women Diana was his cup of tea. She seemed pretty pleased with him too. The relationship wouldn’t last, but ended when Dodi & Diana’s car hit a support beam (The 13th support beam, for conspiracy theorists – some of whom also claim that the tunnel Diana died in was once a temple in pagan Europe where human sacrifices were offer to the Moon Goddess Diana. That has left them thinking that Diana was an Illuminati blood sacrifice).

Chuck’s chicks

Now if people were pissed off at Chuck before they were lived now. They started referring to Diana as the Queen of Hearts. They began dredging up Charles alleged mistreatment of Diana. They had begun to see the Royals as a bunch of cold blooded reptilian, devoid of emotion, and who’s emotionless had almost stamped out everything human in Diana. They also blamed Camilla for ruining the fairy story – although that trumped up marriage was done before it got started (BTW I hear Angelina Jolie is requesting to play Camilla in an upcoming movie, but only if she can get Jennifer Aniston to play Princess DI!). Parker Bowles was seen as a home wrecker; and that cast her as the wicked witch in the fairy story. They would be even less pleased when Charles married Camilla and she was created the Duchess of Cornwall.

good luck, Chuck
Now the Royals knew that they had to tread lightly. The people ere mighty pissed at them and England is democratic enough to ditch the Monarchy if they so choose – in theory anyway. Diana’s ghost was hanging over the place like a Sword of Damocles. Still, by keeping their mouths shut and not addressing things directly, the issue start to blow over. Plus Helen Mirren’s movie as the Queen helped the public to get things in perspective. Helen got an Oscar, and Camilla was able to show her face in public again, eventually.

let them eat cake & more food for thought

Chuck & Camilla’s notions of London being a safe place for Royals was to get shattered again. Last night Charles and Camilla were out and about the City of London in their 1977 Rolls Royce, attending some kind of charity event of film premier. They picked a bad time because university students had hit the streets protesting a tuition hike. The new rates could double or triple what students currently pay, so many are afraid that they will have to drop out if the rate hikes go through.

here we go again!

That put them in a Toronto G7 Summit state of mind. They’d gone on a violence spree (the leaders of tomorrow!) and were wrecking everything in sight. When the Rolls pulled up they turned on that, two. Charles and Camilla were trapped inside while protesters rocked the car. Photographs showed the Royal couple looking like the were in the middle of the French Revolution and were on the way to the guillotine!

Diana casts a long shadow

We can only guess what was going through Charles and Camilla’s minds at that awful moment. I’m sure that Diana worked her way into their thoughts briefly. Her memory must make them uneasy every time the public gets restless. That only adds to the general burden of Royalty. Kings are always afraid of their people, since they depend on them to reign. Once people figure out that they can live without kings, but kings can’t be kings without them, then the jig is up!

Now here’s a young lady who’s been in a number of tight binds, though never in the royal dungeon. She’s Jessica Alba and this is a video homage to her attempts to make bondage more mainstream! The clip is about 6 minutes, so that ought a give you enough time to do what you need to do – just remember to wipe up when you’re done!

Speaking of the jig being up here’s Gary Bell and the View From Space. Listen for him to mention the Charles & Camilla incident.
http://www.4shared.com/embed/450935741/80bcc745

wondertrash

English woman hit by lightning – nervous bystanders hope for the best

Is it the wedding of the millennium again already?

https://i0.wp.com/superherouniverse.com/superheroes/images/fanart/bingham/jan2005/marriage.jpgThat title is a little misleading. The woman hasn’t been struck by lightening. Lightening sounds so sudden and this has been coming on for about 8 years now. That’s because the lady in question is Katherine “Waity Katy” Middleton, and the lightening came in the form of a formal proposal from her beau Prince William. The proposal is for a position that no woman over the age of 30 – and old enough to remember the last next queen of England – would take on a dare! William has asked Kate to do him the very great honour of allowing him to make her the most famous woman on Earth.

waity late – better Kate than never

The pair have been hangin’ out together for longer – it seems – than Sam & Diane on Cheers, or that other couple on Wings – only without the entertaining romantic tension of personal jabs. Prince William did have other things to do – like stay out of Afghanistan, and find gainful employment as a search and rescue helicopter pilot in North Wales (woo – a real job. Something to fall back on in case the honours List falls through. It’s good for a celebrity to have a back up plan involving useful work, just in case they lose their super powers!). He also occasionally attended benefits in honour of his late mother Diana. That left Kate proving her commitment to duty by quietly biding her time (and allegedly having rivals quietly killed on the side – kidding! But seriously, anyone seen any of those young women from S Club 7 lately? I’m just sayin’, that’s all. I’m sure that there’s nothing to the rumours about them currently helping support the cement foundation blocks in a North Sea oil rig. Badda-bing!). Well congratulations Katie – I guess; cause you’ve passed the test.

“Oh Will, I’m happier than Bella Swan was when that horrible monster fell in love with her!”

While the Brit press was speculating whether or not Wills was gonna shit or get off of the pot; the sneaky lad quietly informed his nearest and dearest – that pack of leathery old reptilians who look like Monty Burns from the Simpson and are otherwise known as The Royal Family, that this was it. He then went on to ask Master Middleton whether or not he might have the honour of his daughter’s hand in marriage – with dibs on the rest of her if the spirit should so move him. Middleton is no fool so he said yes. It was probably a rhetorical question anyway. With that the wedding is one for spring or summer next year – according to Clarence House. Clarence House is the palace office that handles the Prince’s business, and not the name of the character that Hugh Laurie plays on TV. William presented Kate with the very ring his late mother wore for her own engagement.

Ring a ding ding!

The Lady Di ring thing must’ve made Kate’s hair stand on end, or at least put a chill down her spine. Things didn’t work out so well for the late and lamented Diana Spencer after she got herself royaled up. Though it was touted as a story book wedding at the time, the show quickly turned into tabloid fodder. Diana went through more personal crises than 20 years of Oprah Winfrey might adequately cover. When she was either doing public appearance or freaking out she was taking her mind off of her troubles with flaky New Age pastimes like ‘colonics‘ (That’s when rich ladies who can’t crap have high pressure hoses inserted up their rectums and have jets of water shot up into their bowels. It’s supposed to loosen up everything that was quietly fermenting in there instead of following it’s natural life cycle out and down the toilet.) and ‘plastic surgery’. She also developed an interest in anorexia and bulimia along the way. When the marriage finally broke up, even Mother Theresa was relieved. Diana wasn’t to get off of the hook that easily, and things came to a head when she and her then lover Dodi Al Fayd were tragically killed in Paris during a high speed chase with paparazzi.

Run Kate – it’s a trap!!!

Hopefully things will work out better for Wills & Kate. For one thing Diana was a blue blood while Kate is a scrappy little commoner (who’s father owns a ruddy great factory or something equally unroyal. Remember that you can’t really buy class – not if you made your own money anyway, but you can marry into it!) . Random common folk are much hardier than tragic heroines.

why history won’t repeat it’s self again this time

We’ve learned more about the dangers of royal celebrity marriages since the untimely death of Princess Diana too. William has practically gotten kid glove treatment from the media compared to the ordeal that his late mother had to endure. Back in those bad old days paparazzi would steal Princess Diana’s stool and have it sniffed over by retired police dogs to get shit! So using a gas station rest room – or Going Britney as celebs call it – was more than she dared do! Also people will be genuinely surprised if the ambitious and hard headed Kate shows even one tenth of the style, personality, and charisma that the woman who’d have been her mother in law – had she lived – had. So she might escape misfortune on the basis of not being interesting enough to bother (there’s a lesson in there for the rest of us – if you can’t avoid attracting attention then at least have the good sense to be dull about it. That is unless your job is being Kanye West, in which case Go For It!). Very clever of Will to pick out a dull girl like that. Besides, it’s not like they’re rushing into anything – so that’s a good sign in it’s self.

wondertrash

Dirty Harry

More trouble for Britain’s Prince Harry. Everyone is familiar with Harry; he’s the other British Prince – the one who gets into trouble and who doesn’t send out a vaguely gay vibe. Now Harry knows a think or two about getting into trouble – he runs his mouth off occasionally and when he does reporters are usually there to record the event for later publication, and eventual world wide distribution.

The latest trouble has nothing to do with what Harry said, or should’ve said. It something that strikes dear to the heart of every eccentric old Brit – animal cruelty. Harry is a great one for polo – like his father before him. It’s a game that he plays in great earnest. Unfortunately for Harry his earnestness got some attention recently when the Prince was noticed putting the spurs to his polo pony with a vengeance. In fact the animal started bleeding. As the horse bleed, spectators watched aghast, the paparazzi phoned their editors to announce that Harry had done it again.

Naturally their was a brouhaha about Harry’s animal abuse. That lead to Andrew Tyler of Animal Aid making an official public denunciation of Harry, and of the Royal Family in general. Here’s what that saucy fellow had to say:

Polo is a very rough activity that causes stress and injuries to horses. The use of spurs in such a fast-moving event is a vicious indulgence. Spurs are unnecessary for a competent rider and should not be used to punish a horse for the rider’s failure to gain advantage. Prince Harry comes from a background of hunting and shooting which is at odds with the vast majority of the British public.

In other words this happened because they’re not like us! It would be ironic if the palace spin doctors were working on something similar – to explain away Harry’s egregious lack of sensitivity; “You can’t really blame him. The lad lost his mother. Oh yeah and he’s a cold blooded Reptilian who eats live food!” I guess that Mr Tyler has saved the public from hearing another awkward Palace mea culpe. Well good for him. Besides, I’m sure that the mea cuple’s will keep – for Harry’s next misadventure!

It’s important to note that not all Brits are monstrous abusers of animal. Only the inbred bluebloods. It’s part of their rich tradition. Besdies many are so genetically damaged that they only technically qualify as human. The rest are very sentimental about our little four legged friends. In fact their support even extends to organizations like Greenpeace, and to seal hunt protests a la Heather Mills (she’s the woman who nearly killed Sir Paul McCartney and did kill a neighbor’s dog with fire works, unintentionally!). They’ve also added to the world’s collection of animal based literature (the Brits would). So, and in the spirit of presenting a fair and balanced depiction of the British People’s, here’s a little tutorial on how to draw Whinny the Pooh. Just be thoughtful and draw him nice – no gang signs or fire arms. Try to be conscious of cartoon animal cruelty too.

wondertrash
  • Calendar

    • December 2017
      M T W T F S S
      « Apr    
       123
      45678910
      11121314151617
      18192021222324
      25262728293031
  • Search