Osbourne in Oz

Breaking news from the National Enquirer

The National Enquirer is working on some wild stories if this cover preview is any indications. Front row center is Demi Moore. Now Moore got into some difficulty after her marriage to Ashton Kutcher collapsed. Her AA sponsor died about the same time so it was a real bad alignment of the planets. That lead to an EMT call, headlines about whip its, and enrollment in rehab.

Dems is currently in Cirque Lodge in Orem, Utah. That’s the place that may have failed Lindsay Lohan, or one of her contemporaries, on at least one occasion. It’s important to remember that recovery is an ongoing process – that means it’s not about results so don’t expect any. The National Enquirer is promising readers Demi’s explosive rehab diary along with references to “the baby she lost” (that’s a low blow so shame on you Enquirer), plus the booze and the drugs.

Meanwhile Bruce Willis is fighting to save the kids. The kids in this case are adults. Plus they’ve been taking care of their mother – allegedly – for the past little while, so I’m not sure how much saving they need. Seems like they’ve learned to look out for themselves. However Tallulah – who’s the sane one in the family and went off to college instead of the party circuit and tab covers – says that her mom made her life hell.

Between Demi Moore and Whitney Houston it would be tough to say who’s worse off. Once upon a time it would’ve been tough to say who was better off. While Demi was a queen of Hollywood and married to Bruce Willis Whitney was the most honored female recording artist ever. In Guinness World Records terms it puts her in the same league as the Beatles and Elvis – though in the ladies league. She was such a big deal that back in 2001 Arista made her a big deal – $100 million for 6 new albums. They should’ve saved their money because Whitney doesn’t have it anymore for one thing.

As covered in yesterday’s post Whits is at wit’s end. She was seen out and about at some party totally wasted, bumming $100 bucks from some friend, and leaving the scene of the crime scratched and a little bloody. So people are asking “how bad is it?” According to the National Enquirer it’s worse than you think. For one thing she’s flat broke! Considering the amount of money she made in her career that’s astonishing. Now hot on the heels of her recent night out blow out comes reports by way of the NE cover that Whitney has collapsed. They say they’ve got shocking photos! Hope that they’re not as shocking as the recent Macaulay Culkin photos that made the rounds recently.

Speaking of shocking the last time that the National Enquirer used that word in a headline it involved Newt Gingrich. He and his wife were involved in some kind of lesbian shocker. Hopefully it’s nothing involving irate Prop 8’s, pink pistols, and fully charged tasers. You can set your tasers to stunned again this week as the NE continues on the political theme. This time it’s Mitt Romney. The Enquirer claims that there’s some kind of cheating scandal involving his wife! Now they don’t say whether she’s cheating, been cheated on, or there are some kind of unfounded accusations. Leaving something to the imagination encourages you to go out and buy the magazine. They do say that he’s hiding something from America, and I assume they mean more than his Magic Mormon Underwear!

Finally there’s the Will Smith divorce headline. Apparently there’s mystery beauty caught in the middle. There’s a further salacious little hint – she’s very close to Jada! I’m not sure if this means that they’re gonna form a hunting party, track down Newt Gingrich and his wife, then shock them with fully charged tasers or not. You can infer what you like. That’s the gossip game.

The National Enquirer is a serious a magazine. They were nominated for a Pulitzer Prize (the nominated themselves but that’s allowed and a very NE way of getting credibility – so give them credit for being true to themselves). That means there’s more to the story than splashy covers with lurid headlines and shocking photos. There’s also some meat on the bones. In this case the meat is between the sheets in the form of some ground breaking journalism that they’re working on. Groundbreaking means shit like this:

Jailbird O.J. Simpson has gone ballistic over losing his south Florida home and is blaming his older daughter Arnelle for squandering his $30,000 a month pension money. He was so angry that he told Arnelle, the favorite of his four kids “If I could get my hands you right now I’d break your neck.” No one likes to heart hat kind of talk coming from the Juice. With other dads it’s a figure of speech but in his cae no one’s sure how literally to take him.

The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively that one of the desperate women from ‘The Bachelor‘ has trapped this season’s hunk, Ben Flajnik, with a pregnancy scam! We will reveal which lady has stooped to a new low and snagged the bachelor with her tears and pregnancy test. If only X Factor could come up with that kind of shit then Simon Cowell might have those 20 million viewers he wanted.

Enhanced by Zemanta
  • Calendar

    • December 2020
      M T W T F S S
  • Search