Brangelina Finished

The week is getting off with a bang. Ian Undercover – the website run by award winning New York Times investigative journalist Ian Halperinis reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are finally splitting up. Halperin claims that as the result of a 4 week investigation, he has learned from sources close to the pair that they are done. Brad claims that he has had it with Jolie’s volatile temper and overbearing attitude, and has even sought advice from ex Jennifer Aniston!
Halperin further claims that the pair are meeting with divorce lawyers. The reason they need those is because they were in fact secretly married some time ago, out side the country. This in spite of their insistence that they wouldn’t marry until homosexuals were also free to express their love with in the bonds of matrimony!
Then there’s the custody issue. Halperin claims that a vicious show down over the kids is brewing. Angie is even demanding a DNA test to establish whether or not Pitt is the actual father of Shiloh & the twins. Apparently there is an ex lover who is claiming that he might be responsible.
Personally I believe it. Hollywood mathces have a short self life and they were overdue. The Oscars might have been their last hurrah. They really needed a double win to make Brangelina a venture worth continuing. When they would up the second most talked about pair at the event, their days as a super couple might have been numbered. Then there is the fact that Pitt is starring with Natalie Portman in an upcoming venture. Jolie hasn`t  let him work with an attractive woman in a while. She has first hand experience of how that can turn out.
In fact the recent Angie passes out stories may have been the opening shot in a show down. If you`ll recall those stories painted Brad as the responsible good guy. He was home taking care of the kids while Jolie was Master Cleansing herself into oblivion. The signs point to an impending split.
Now part 3 of Century of the Self. Watch and see how America was lead astray through the gospel of self empowerment.

Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

OJ’s ex preggo by another man!

With each passing day you become more malleable.

There’s more trouble for OJ Simpson. Now there’s been nothing but trouble for the juice ever since June of 1994, when he was suspected of killing his ex wife Nicole Brown Simpson, and her alleged lover Ron Goldman. The pair were found brutally murdered in a slasher type killing. OJ was singled out as the most likely suspect, and that led to a lurid media spectacle that hasn’t yet ended.
You will find happiness, then lose it again, then find that you’ve lost it.
Now OJ cheesed off the entire American public by getting away with it. He assembled a dream team of legal heavy artillery, and then sat back quietly smirking in the court room while his mouth pieces talked him out of a jail sentence.People felt cheated out of seeing him get his just desserts. So even though the juice got off, he was more or less a marked man.
Do not trust anyone over thirty or under thirty-one.
Chapter 2 was when Ron Goldman took OJ to civil court and won a 33 mill settlement. They Juice lost everything except his NFL pension. That’s a healthy 250 000 a year so OJ still had the where with all to live the high life. He traveled around the country antagonizing folks by showing his face in public, often on golf courses. he found some female companionship, too.
You should not have come here, young one.
The most recent OJ companion was former beautician/cocktail waitress Chris Prody. They enjoyed a colourful relationship in which the Juice was suspected of regularly dishing out physical abuse, and Prody was suspected of being continuously drunk In fact Prody first made the tabs after a viscous Superbowl weekend spat. Apparently she distracted OJ at some crucial point and rumours were that it lead to a physical altercation. An incident the following day seemed to back this up. Chris was at a near by gas station filling up her car when she passed out at the pump. Speculation was that she was suffering some kind of post Superbowl OJ related concussion. As it turned out she was only drunk out of her head.
Trust your enemies, not your friends, for some reason.
While OJ might not have punched Prody out, he is volatile; as events would prove. OJ’s next misadventure was down in Vegas, when he stormed a hotel room trying to reclaimed some sports memorabilia. Money was getting hard to some by, and since it was valuable, and had been taken from him illegally (says OJ) he wanted it back. OJ was willing to use any means necessary. That lead to a stand off with guns, and unfortunately for OJ, hidden tape recorders (The guns and the tape recorder were provided by OJ’s trusted friend. He apparently was also the one who talked OJ into the heist). When this case came to court the law finally had Simpson dead to rights. He got put away for a long time.
You have an acceptable sense of direction.
That brings us to the latest installment of the OJ Simpson story. Seems OJ’s incarceration has put a strain on his Prody relationship. Especially since Prody is now pregnant – but not by Simpson! Seems that when Simpson got sent up Prody started having second thoughts. OJ tried to win her back, basically by repeatedly phoning her up and screaming at her. Strangely this had the opposite effect. In fact it drove Prody out of OJ’s residence, and right back to her home town of Fargo, North Dakota. Once back on her home turf Prody put the Juice behind her by taking up with a home town guy, and getting knocked up tout de suite, as the French say.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but the road to heaven is not yet paved due to a stalled ordinance.
Chris is pretty happy about these new developments too. Says Prody by way of a friend, “Being pregnant has given me a whole new outlook on life. I’m so happy. I can hardly wait to be a Mom!” OJ’s reaction is something that she will have to wait for. Her former lover isn’t due for parole until the year 2017. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
A suitable metaphor for your life is on the horizon.
Might OJ have avoided his sad fate? Well if he’d paid more attention to the signs, possibly. Oh yeah, and avoided killing people. His infamous killing spree has caused the phrases ‘going postal’ and ‘going ballistic’ to be replaced by ‘going OJ’. However if you don’t feel ready for anything so radical as non violence, here’s some fractured fortunes by way of the Weeklyworldnews to help you find you way.

  • Lady luck will visit you at work, but you will be in the middle of something.
  • You are a wise, fortunate person given to ordering more food from great Chinese restaurant.
  • With each passing day you become more malleable.
  • You will find happiness, then lose it again, then find that you’ve lost it.
  • Please sit down.  There is much to discuss.
  • You should not have come here, young one.
  • Do not trust anyone over thirty or under thirty-one.
  • You have an acceptable sense of direction.
  • The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but the road to heaven is not yet paved due to a stalled ordinance.
  • In bed.
  • A suitable metaphor for your life is on the horizon.
  • Do not make important decisions while skydiving.
  • Trust your enemies, not your friends, for some reason.
  • ‘Good things come in small boxes’ is an underused innuendo.
  • A suitable life metaphor is just what the world’s been waiting for. It would make a refreshing change from all those pop fiction cliches!

      • The bad guy is the foreigner.
      • Corollary: the foreigner is the guy who speaks English with an English accent
      • The bad guy also has a side-kick muscleman, who has some sort of trademark gimmick that he/she uses to eliminate opponents. You must kill or decomission this muscleman by forcing a backfiring of this trademarked gimmick. If the muscleman dispatched by a different method, he/she is not dead. (For that matter, don’t assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular. Beware sequels.)
      • No matter how dead you think you’ve killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least 3 more times. Therefore, always make sure to leave his gun in or near his hand after you’ve killed him and you turn away to comfort the girl.
      • When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn’t, a friend will finish the villain off.
      • The bad guy usually kills his henchman for failing, yet don’t seem to run out of loyal henchmen.
      • Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning.
      • You can kill the bad guy by taking careful note of any object that the camera has lingered on for an unnecessarly length of time; typically this is something like a meathook or a jagged bit of glass. You will be involved in a mighty struggle, and at the appropriate time you can become inspired (usually by either an insult from the bad guy or a look of faith from your love interest) with strength enough to force the bad guy into/onto/under/in front of the aforementioned object. Actor’s Equity (Hollywood) requires that within 15 seconds either side of the bad guy’s demise, you utter your trademark phrase.
      • Whenever a villian has captured the hero, he will pause for 5 minutes to tell the hero _every_ detail of his plan to destroy and/or rule the earth, including times, dates, and addresses.
      • The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few meglomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent’s downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt.
      • The bad guy, instead of simply offing the captured good guy on the spot, will devise some sort of drawn-out, fiendishly clever method of execution that will take enough time to allow the good guy to figure out his escape.
      • When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn’t, a friend will finish the villain off.
      • You can always tell which nationality the United States and the popular media are currently most unhappy with because that nation sends all their villains to star in Hollywood movies during those times (e.g. Germans in the late 40’s and 50’s, Asians in the 60’s and 70’s, Soviets in the 70’s and 80’s and Middle Easterners in the 90’s).
    Brash, flash, & totally trash!

    Bogus Zen: Hero Complex
    “When you enjoy something, you must never let logic get too much in the way. Like the villains in all the James Bond movies. Whenever Bond breaks into the complex: ‘Ah, Mr. Bond, welcome, come in. Let me show you my entire evil plan and then put you in a death machine that doesn’t work’.”

                                        — Jerry Seinfeld, “Sein Language”

    Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

    Doing the splits in Cougar Country

    As sands through the hour glass??

    So what went wrong between John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston? According to the National Enquirer there was no one single issue that broke them up. It was a combination of factors. Factors like John’s wandering eye. Also there was his tendency to twitter about their love life. He also refused an invitation to move into her 15 mill Hollywood pad. Jen was disappointed that John hadn’t got around to proposing to her. Plus she felt that he was putting his career ahead of her desire to settle down and start up a family – now that’s ironic (I say it’s ironic because that was Brad Pitt’s complaint about her).
    Hollywood’s longest running soap opera
    Jen’s friends didn’t help the relationship. Courtney Cox in particular felt that Mayer was a dirt bag, a user, and a loser. She was constantly and strongly urging Jen to drop him. Now that’s a bit of a surprise because Jen has been a conspicuous 3rd wheel in her relationship to funny man David Arquette
    While Jen was in long term residence at Heartbreak Hotel  following her Pitt split, her only outings were with Cox and her husband. So observers might have suspected Cox would be relieved to have some time alone. However if even half of the rumours about Cox’s troubled marriage are true, then she was only too happy to have Jen around. The less one on one time she has with the old man, the less intense the situation is. So Jen got dragged in as a kind of buffer. 
    Plus Cox hasn’t completely given up on reviving her TV career (though the rest of the world seems to realize that ship has sailed already). She’s got some new venture planned called Cougar Country, or something, and being able to trot poor needy desperate Aniston out for occasional co star duty could come in handy. Nothing like a girl on girl kiss to temporally spark the rating of a dud TV project!
    The J Dog couldn’t stop wagging his tail at strangers
    The Cox – Aniston relationship is beginning to sound pathetically co dependent. Mayer did give Cox plenty of ammo to use against  him though. In his brief time with Jen he cheated on her at least three times: with a groupie, a cocktail waitress, and a promoter’s daughter. He can’t be blamed for the last one. It was probably strictly business. Pays to keep colleges happy. However there was a disturbing incident that got posted onto one of the gossip sites. That’s the one where Mayer made a creepy come on to a trio of young women after a performance. There were enough anatomical details to give the story a ring of truth. Then again everyone knows about Mayer’s mole.
    Moment of triumph…
    The thing is that they seemed so happy at the Oscars. Even in the run up John seemed excited. He bashed Brad Pitt on youtube. He publicly defended Jen on a few other occasions. Then when the happy day arrived, they reigned over the festivities like king and queen of the prom. John was finally realizing how big a deal Jen is. In fact he looked so giddy on awards night that he seemed about to wet the red carpet! The only thing that might have made the night complete for Aniston would have been if Angelina Jolie had been offered up as a human sacrifice; honey glazed and with an apple in her mouth!
    … and the morning after
    So what do you do for an encore? There was bound to be some kind of anti climax. According to some reports the morning after Mayer set off to lock himself in the studio, announcing “That’s it. Until the album’s done I’m invisible“. Aniston didn’t appreciate the cold shoulder. 
    There was also the fact that Jen expected a proposal on Valentine’s day, which never materialized. Stories in the tabs about Mayer picking out the biggest honking ring he could find must have only heightened her humiliation and disappointment. The only thing left to make a clean break was some time away. When Jen got back from promoting Marley & Me overseas, she phoned Mayer up with an abrupt announcement – “It’s over!” Now how much time is a 40 year old woman supposed to waste. There ain’t alot of time left on the meter!
    The soap opera continues by picking right up where it left off
    So now Jen has picked up and is moving forward. Her publicist is busy phoning around to Hollywood’s ambitious young up and comers; to see if there is anyone interested in making a smart career move.  Meanwhile Jen is rumoured to be spending money like it’s water. “It helps her forget” the usual unnamed sources explain. Courtney is pushing Cougar Country ahead full steam too. Perhaps she’s feels that it would be an even better vehicle for occasional Aniston guest spots! Mayer is picking up too. He’s talking about writing a tell all book about life with Aniston. He’s also running his mouth double time on Twitter. According to him he wasn’t fired, he quit. The final straw was when Jen called him Brad in a fit of sexual excitement! Now if that’s his idea of saving face then the lad had better go back to school! So it’s not a matter of what went wrong, but of nothing going right. Besides, I’m sure that Vince Vaughn’s recent engagement didn’t help the situation much!
    PS. Did Twitter bust up Mayer and Aniston? Well calling them Mayerston couldn’t have helped. Far from being cute, those combined names are down right irritating! At least they weren’t referred to as Johniffer! You can follow John Mayer’s continuing misadventures on Twitter @ JohnMayerTwit. Perezhilton is asking him for a translation even as I post!!
    Daily dharma:
    It’s not all DUI’s and dirty underwear at Mocksure. Let it not be said that we don’t also fill your heads with inflammatory conspiracy theories!
    I can’t say that we tell the truth here at Mocksure; we just blurt stuff out. If that’s not revolutionary, then at least it’s shocking poor taste!

    Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

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