Coming Soon from the National Enquirer


Has Angelina Jolie finally gone too far?

Next week’s National Enquirer promises to be a wild ride if the promo is any indication. For one thing Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are on the verge of divorce again. It seems like they’ve been on the verge of marriage and divorce for years now – basically ever since Angie ripped poor Jennifer Aniston‘s heart out and ruined her life. That left Poor Jen with nothing but her A List movie career to fall back on. However this time NE up’s the ante by claiming that Angie has confessed to cheating, and to hotel room hook ups. Thgis lead to a marriage counseling break down. Oh yeah and Angie also supposedly physically threatened Jen according to the cover.

Kardashians continue to make marriage a reality TV tabloid travesty?

Now it that wasn’t enough to whet your appetite there’s more trouble for the Kardashians. Apparently Mother Kris Kardashian Jenner’s marriage is destroyed by some kind of cheating scandal. Apparently some kind of afffair has been exposed! Those Kardashian women are either gonna have to stay out of divorce court or stop getting married of they want to stop provoking the public, ’cause their sleazy shenanigans are just getting obnoxious!

Is Gayle King an extraterrestrial transsexual? If she were do you think she’d admit it?

In other news the real Gayle King is exposed. Now for those hoping it might be as a terrorist, transsexual, or an extra terrestrial I’ve got bad news. The tabs are creeping towards the very out fringes of credibility, so the days of Elvis taking UFO rides and inseminating Hilary Clinton via ray beam are lamentably long gone (except in the WeeklyWorldNews which still exists online, and where Elvis and Hilary’s love trysts with Bigfoot continue!). Apparently Gayle has used Oprah Winfrey to make millions! Now there’s now word on whether this was in some legitimate way, they way ma people given their start by Oprah have made millions – like such as Dr. Phil McGraw, or whether they’re leaving something else to be inferred. The phrase “used” is kind of loaded.

Then there’s the Newt Gingrich’s wife lesbian shocker. There’s an election coming up and since the Enquirer did so well with John Edwards – much better than John Edwards did with the Enquirer – they have to keep up the cred with some semi legit news related articles. They don’t give Pulitzer Prize nominations for horoscopes and sudokus! Now there are no clues in the cover about how they get shocked by lesbians. Perhaps were chased by those pink pistol gangs that Bill O Reilly on FOX was so concerned about several years back. BOR was afraid that the gays = perhaps finally having had enough – had taken up arms. If these same pink pistol lesbians have chased down the Gingrich’s – perhaps in outrage over some extreme right wing views, and then tasered them in to literal electric shock, then O Reilly is gonna need a pace maker! Either way the corner photo shows both Gingrichs looking shocked, or at least perturbed.

With FOX as the voice of the right, why did America turn Democrat?

That rampaging lesbian story is just the kind of stuff that needs more coverage in the media. Might have something to do with the bisphenol A laden water those metrosexuals are always drinkin’!

As for what’s behind that titillating cover, there’s a couple of doozies in the works:

Whitney Houston, desperate and broke, collapsed in a shocking public breakdown and The ENQUIRER has chilling photos that show how her last-ditch bid to stay sober is falling apart. Friends fear the long-troubled songbird is back on drugs and has hit rock bottom after losing her $100 million fortune.

and:

The lives of Demi Moore‘s daughters have been ripped apart by her drug and booze hell. Busted for underage drinking last year, Tallulah, 18, is currently in therapy and telling pals that Demi’s out-of-control behavior has turned her life into “a nightmare.” Meanwhile, Rumer, 23, who has been most supportive of Demi, is now worried that she, too, is being dragged down by her mother. Scout, 20, who’s away at college, fears that her sisters are in danger, say sources. In a revealing ENQUIRER report, insiders reveal how the girls’ dad, Bruce Willis is battling to keep the family from falling apart.

People have been very concerned about Demi Moore and her family lately. Especially since Demi and the girls seem like basically nice, likeable people with some celebrity sized problems. With Demi in rehab, Tallulah in therapy, Rumer in the tabs, that leaves Scout as the level headed one! At the rate their going they’re headed straight for reality TV. So you tell me if the NE isn’t worth it’s $5? If they can add a fab summer diet and blue dot winning lotto numbers then they can count on my business at the checkout!

By the way – Wondertrash isn’t up for any Pulitzer prizes so any kind of trash is up for posting! So here’s the Wondertrash version of Lotto Numbers That Can Help You Lose Weight! It’s called How To Get Laid In 5 Easy Steps!

Now I can’t guarantee that any of that advice will get you laid, but if it helps you win the lottery then let me know!

wondertrash
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Coming Soon in the National Enquirer

That’s quite a cover. Plus the Pulitzer nominated National Enquirer is also working on the following stories:

Shiloh, the boyish 5-year-old daughter of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, is becoming more and more bizarre. The ENQUIRER learned that the youngster has developed a strange infatuation for Chaz Bono and now considers the transgender son of singing legend Cher her new hero and has made it clear to her superstar parents that she wants to be just like Chaz.

The ENQUIRER has uncovered shocking secrets about Oprah Winfrey’s best friend Gayle King, who is now on her way to stardom as co-host of “CBS This Morning.” We’ve learned all the details of the heartbreaking cheating scandal that wrecked Gayle’s marriage, the drug binge that left her lying unconscious on the floor and the backstabbing way she’s using Oprah to make millions.

Marriage counseling isn’t working for Brad & Angie – during one session, Angie even admitted to cheating. Enquirer has all the details.

Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

Coming Soon from the National Enquirer

upcoming stories:

The tragic last days of beloved TV icon Mary Tyler Moore are revealed in a shocking ENQUIRER exclusive report. Sources close to Mary, 75, describe how she is finally succumbing to the ravages of a deadly disease and a candid photo of the brave actress, looking weak and frail in a wheelchair, will shock her millions of devoted fans.
A special report tells ENQUIRER readers how to turn trash into treasure from items they find at neighborhood garage sales. Experts give top tips on how to make thousands of dollars in this tough economy while browsing through other folks’ cast-offs. Examples include people who have made small fortunes by picking out discarded photos, records, sports memorabilia, paintings and even bicycles.
For nearly three decades O.J. Simpson has kept hidden the Kardashian family’s deepest, darkest secret out of respect for Kim, Khloe and Kourteney’s late father Robert Kardashian, the lawyer who helped The Juice escape a double murder rap. Now, a bombshell ENQUIRER exclusive reveals full details of that shocking secret and how O.J., currently serving a lengthy prison sentence for armed robbery, is finally making a stunning confession about the Kardashians’ brazen mother Kris.

Latest Gossip = Slap Egotists

Future Queen of England knocked up out of wedlock


In the Royal Family way!

For those of you worried about Kate Middleton’s plunging weight fear no more. She could be packing on the pounds in no time flat. That’s because – if rumours are to be believed – the future Queen is already in the family way. “Family way” is a delicate way of saying that she’s already knocked up!

The Royal Shenanigans

Now this little piece of scuttlebutt was broken by none other than Star Magazine. They’ve they’ve published these “Middleton preggers” stories before. Most notably was a piece they released back in June 2010. Back then they announced that Kate and William had been up to conduct unbecoming. No to give ’em a break it has been an awfully long engagement. So I think that we can rule out the idea that they’ve been saving themselves for the wedding night. Anyway Star reported that the usual shenanigans had gotten out of hand and that Kate had gotten herself into a right state. They went on to claim that the Palace was on high alert – what ever their equivalent to defcon 1 is they were on it. So they were all scrambling around like mad hatters (they do that anyway) trying to avoid another royal scandal.

Don’t believe everything you read – you read that here!

Not surprisingly Clarence House – HQ for the Prince of Wales alias The Man Who Would Be King – issued a terse statement called the scandalous tabloid story “a load of rubbish“. Some o f us might have hoped for something like “balderdash” or even “poppycock“, but times have changed. The story was further discredited when a Mississippi University professor, Samir Husni – who may or may not be an expert on either royalty, rumour, or single mothers (actually he’s a journalism prof so that kind of makes him an expert on all three with a greater than average knowledge of alcoholism and cigarette addiction!) reminded everyone that “Be wary, very wary, of what you read in the ‘gossip’ magazines. Proceed with caution and pretend you are watching a soap opera.” Since Kate didn’t expand and issue forth, the story was quickly forgotten as people moved on to more pressing issues like Suri Cruise and American Idol!

“Predicting the future ain’t much of a talent, to be sure.”
~ Al Capp

Now the secret of tabloid predictions is that if some thing doesn’t happen wait about a year and then say the same thing again. Sooner or later it’s bound to happen and then you get the satisfaction of saying “I told you so!” This is how the National Enquirer accurately predicted Michael Jackson’s death, and how they are currently working on getting rid of Kirstie Alley and Oprah Winfrey! Now with the Royal Wedding moving into hi gear I guess that Star Mag figured that the time was right to trot this one out again. Everyone will be interesting in anything royal. Besides if the happy couple make a post honey moon announcement then the story looks legitimate – so to speak. If not then the whole sorry business will probably get lost in the Royal Wedding Mania Shuffle!

absurd is not necessarily untrue

Now for those of you interested, and let’s face it who isn’t, the Star is claiming that Kate is already pregnant. In fact she’s so far along that she”s afraid an attack of morning sicknesses gonna screw up her special day! This is also why Kate is off her head with nerves as the day of days approaches. Further more things are so far advanced that the sex of the child is already determined. it’s a girl and William as decided to name her Diana! Not surprisingly Buckingham Palace – that’s one step up the pecking order from Clarence House – has called the whole thing absurd” and “certainly not true. That’s disappointing for those of us still waiting for “poppycock!” As for the Star, they claim that they got the story fair and square, and from one of those underpaid, over worked, and notoriously disgruntled Palace workers that decided to break their confidentiality contracts. The Palace makes everyone who has the honour of serving them sign one of those, just like the Church of Scientology and the Jolie-Pitts!

… and Elvis is the father!

Could the story be true? Probably not. Kate certainly isn’t showing. In fact her weight has been plunging. She used to be a healthy young lady, once upon a time. As she got more and more involved with the Reptilians – as Brit conspiracist David Icke colourfully refers to the Royals, her weight started to drop. She currently down to Posh Spice – Beckham proportions (hyphenated names are just so classy – as least some things don’t change!). If she gets any thinner then she will be able to turn invisible by standing sideways. Now that’s a trick that will come in handy in her future profession, and once the paparazzi gets hot on her tail! However her ever shrinking frame just isn’t consistent with a woman ready to pop right there in Westminster Abbey! So I think that you can probably file this one under “more shocking revelations!“, like “Britney Spears Pregnant with Space Baby“, and “Wynonna Judd Secret Affair with Bigfoot Revealed!” – that last one is covered in half sis Ashley’s new autobio “Naomi & Wynonna can kiss my ass!“; another disgruntled ‘source’. as for the tabs, if they want a real royal story then they ought to get on Prince Willie’s future mother in lawe, cause that chick is warming up to be Britain’s answer to Billy Carter (member him?). Otherwise they’re gonna have to go back to those “Valerie Bertinelli Bikini Diet” stories to regain their *ahem* credibility.

wondertrash

Shit Happens – How John Edwards lost his chance & got into tabloid hell

https://i0.wp.com/static.thehollywoodgossip.com/images/gallery/john-edwards-rielle-hunter-love-child-photo.jpg


Rielle Hunter
was a troublesome tiresome bitch even back when she was called Lisa Druck. That description might be a bit harsh. Maybe she was an accident waiting for a place to happen. That’s if you want to believe one of her oldest friends. The friend is Pigeon O Brien, and Pigeon is the one now taking credit for ratting Rielle and her presidential candidate boyfriend John Edwards out to the National Enquirer. So Pij has some explaining to do. Explain she has in a recent HuffPo piece, the gist of which is below.

Pij knew Rielle back when she was Lisa. That was in the 80’s at a place called Nell’s bar. According to Pij, Lisa was either always swaggering around hollering her head off, or frightening guys out of the bar and into taxis that sped away rapidly. No one really liked the obnoxious little twat, but she was interesting. There were lots of stories about promiscuity, other women’s husbands, and strip poker. Besides many were a little too afraid of her to stand up.

Pij & Druck moved on and lost touch, the way friends will. Then one day O Brien meets her old friend again. It was 2004 @ a swanky NYC dinner party. Rielle shows up, but totally reinvented. She’s got a head full of new ideas too, like Buddhism, MTV, motivational speakers as the new rock stars, and of course striking it rich! Pij was at loose ends (that’s what you call it when some one is into web design & PR on a freelance basis), and Hunter had a lot of ideas to keep her old friend occupied. So they got together to do a website aimed at getting Hunter into the motivational speaking racket by way of MTV. Now this wasn’t just a big idea but was backed up with a lot of hot air, as the pair spent hours a day jabbering with each other on the phone.

Since swinging their jaw bones was as close as they got to productive work, the website never really took off. O Brien and Hunter’s relationship got a little strained. They’d occasionally lose radio contact. Then one day and out of the blue as it were, Hunter calls up and says that she’s in love. She describes a guy from North Carolina. While Pij is busy thinking Jethro Beaudine (Those Yankees and their ethnic-regional stereotyping! It’s the white middle class educated liberal’s version of racism.), Hunter goes on to describe a golden god with rock star charisma. O Brien didn’t put 2 + 2 together right away. Maybe she was expecting Robert Plant. When O Brien heard the words”John” and “North Carolina” on TV and looks up to see John Edwards on the screen with Hunter hovering near by, the jig is up.

“SHIT,” I thought to myself, “we’re in trouble now.”

Now this is where the story gets interesting. Pij & Hunter had a sort of up and down relationship; as you might expect with at least one drama queen, and when bills for services rendered aren’t getting promptly paid. Hunter had stopped teaching yoga to devote herself full time to the Golden Meal Ticket. Meanwhile she’s constantly babbling on and on about love. Meanwhile Edwards was positioning himself for a run at the White House. Since his wife Elizabeth was a big part of his public image package, things were about to get really interesting.

standing out in a crowd and still spell check fixable!

It was about the same time as Hunter began producing a set of cheesy promo videos for Edwards that people began calling O Brien to inquire as to the nature of her friend’s relationship with Edwards. O Brien says that the media tracked her down through her listing on Hunter’s website. The fact that her name is Pigeon makes her stand out from the Jennys and Janes (now you know why celebs love to have outrageous names). Pigeon says that at first she was very tight lipped about the whole cheating on his dying wife with the crazy bitch from my old bar story. The reporters just wouldn’t leave her alone though. Eventually the constant nagging got to her. She started asking herself whether this kind of behavior is acceptable in a public figure. She states in her article that it’s no one’s business who you sleep with, but issues of trust and betrayal are very important. I guess that’s supposed to make what she did next come off as noble.

a raw nerve in a barrel of monkeys

According to O Brien some where along the line she got the idea that the public needed to know. Getting herself out of hot water wouldn’t be so bad either. So she started phoning the numbers of some of those publications she said were eager to talk about Hunter (I think she mentioned about 2 before she got to the National Enquirer, though to hear her tell it the phone was off the hook and she was cracking from pressure. So the assumption is that she got a few calls from a couple of places that noticed who did the video and then checked out the website. Since Edwards was in the primaries they may have thought that it was worthwhile to call and ask a few general questions. They may not have had anything specific in mind, which is born out by the fact that when she got back in touch they didn’t know what she was talking about when she mentioned “the affair“. It’s either that or she didn’t get all of her facts straight for her big HuffPo article. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt ans assume she was a bit histrionic and overreacted.). Her first few ventures didn’t come off – people who wanted to know didn’t believe anything was going on. Finally she got around to The Pulitzer Prize Nominated National Enquirer. That’s when she hit pay dirt!

The Candidate & the TV Psychic!

According to Pigeon the NE wasn’t exactly sure who Edwards was at first. So she had to bring them up to speed, so they’d understand how the affair fit in. Once they got the general idea they didn’t need much encouragement. A presidential candidate cheating on his dying wife with a TV psychic sounds like something just made for them. Only the additions of Bigfoot and a UFO could’ve made the tale complete! So they started sniffing around for whatever smelled like shit.

faux vox popoli

That’s the point at which the cat crawled out of the bag. Edwards got Hunter under wraps – hiding her out in a series of rented mansions according to Pigeon. Meanwhile HuffPo, sensing that the shit was about to hit the fan something might be up, printed an article questioning why the Hunter produced promo vids had all of a sudden disappeared. That got them a lot of hate mail from outraged people pretending not to be associated with the Edwards campaign. It also nearly got the article’s writer Sam Stein fired. However things had gone too far by that time. Within a week or two the NE published it’s Edwards Cheating story.

This is the point at which anyone with any sense would’ve dropped out. Edwards plowed on. Pressure was put on the media to shut the fuck up ignore the stories. After all it was only unsubstantiated rumor based on the kind of circumstantial evidence that failed to convict OJ Simpson. John himself began throwing around cruel and hurtful phrases like “tabloid trash & lies” (celebrity types can be so unkind when they’re on the defensive). His long suffering wife made off the record comments about the Enquirer as the UFO paper. Meanwhile Edwards’ functionaries memo-ed the LA Times begging them to take the journalistic high road and not to go down market with the gossip shit rags. The shaming and bull shitting might have worked too, except Johnny Boy got caught spending a night with Hunter in a hotel. If you play around with fire long enough you’re bound to get burned!

John Edwards – a frickin totally bitchin rock star from Mars!

Lying-John-EdwardsSo now the cheating story went into overdrive. Hunter’s pregnancy got out too. Edwards tired to deny that at first. He claimed that he’d only been in that hotel late at night with an emotionally unstable woman because he desperately wanted to help her with her troubles. Besides the woman was clearly some sort of slut on the make so her kid could belong to anyone – Mel Gibson, 007, you name it. That kind of desperation is the sign that the chips are down.

John Edwards is like the last rat on a sinking ship

When the chips are down is when you find out who your friends really are. Some of Edwards friends, like Andrew and Cheri Young, decided to make their own deals. Young wrote a tell all about the man he backed to the hilt for years, called the Politician. Since he’d done a lot of work keeping the Hunter story under wraps, his damage control experience must’ve made him credible. Of course Pigeon went to the National Enquirer to get the dung ball rolling. Who knows what possessed her, beyond her self professed Jimmy Stewart style commitment to American Democracy (note to readers, never watch Mr Smith Goes to Washington while you’re on acid, ’cause it will mind fuck your brains down into your socks! “My God – I’ve got to go out and get into trouble by doing the right thing so that the cavalry can rescue me!“). Readers will get the impression that flighty and self involved Hunter could be a tough act to take, and if you had to deal with her long enough you want to see her get what was coming to her too. Of course if Edwards had any real friends, or even trustworthy handlers, they’d have recognized what Hunter was before she ever got through the door, and run interference.

the upshot on this shit -“let’s be careful out there

So I guess the upshot is that we live in a global village or something now. That’s like living in a semi detached housing complex – think Melrose Place. So it’s an environment where news is increasingly gossip; and that kind of bad news can do you in (as John Galliano has found out the hard way – suppose France wants Jack’s Legion of Honor back?). So don’t piss anyone off, or you’ll get their goat – and they might even get yours, as Rosesanne Barr’s Hawaiian neighbors recently and allegedly pointed out. Now go out there and behave yourselves!

Angry Samson

by Robert Graves
(1895-1985)


Are they blind, the lords of Gaza
In their strong towers,
Who declare Samson pillow-smothered
And stripped of his powers?

O stolid Philistines,
Stare now in amaze
At my foxes running in your cornfields
With their tails ablaze,

At swung jaw-bone, at bees swarming
In the stark lion’s hide,
At these, the gates of well-walled Gaza
A-clank to my stride.

wondertrash

Star shocker – Cruises separate!


Assuming this is true, and that’s a lot for a super market tabloid (although they can be disturbingly accurate), then who saw this coming? Sure it’s not what Katie signed on for. We assume that she thought she was getting a short cut to the A List. As it is she became the horse’s ass in America’s favorite dog & pony show. So we can guess that she started having some second thoughts earlier on. However, and as Tom could probably vouch for, some situations are easier to get into than to get out of. So she seemed stuck. Besides, she and Tom seemed handcuffed together like Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier in the Defiant Ones.

wondertrash

Is Angelina Jolie a child abuser?



Is the NE implying that Angie is an unfit mother, or are they merely leaving it to be inferred? They do refer to screaming, slapping, and sobbing on the cover, but you’ll have to read this week’s National Enquirer to find out! BTW the story involves Jolie’s bio child Shiloh, whom she infamously called “the blob” in an interview. Also be sure to check out those “shocking photos” mentioned on the cover!

wondertrash
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