The Lost Kennedys

Katie Holmes started life as America’s Sweetheart back on beloved teen opera Dawson’s Creek. Back then everyone knew she had a lot of potential but we had no idea where that would take. Let’s face it, the potential most had in mind is what they potentially might do with her if America’s favorite hot girl next door potentially moved in next door to them!

Dawson’s ended, and Katie kind of faded out. That was after a short lived stab at a motion picture break through. She did something called First Daughter where she played the President’s headstrong yougin’ and made herself busy rebelling against curfews and lower skirt hems. Katie might have been too sweet & fresh faced to make a plausible Amy Carter – so the flick never went anywhere. You occasionally see it in the Wal-Mart DVD’sfor 1$ clearance bins, but hat’s about the only place. Meanwhile the America’s Sweetheart role was filled by the wilder crazier Mischa Barton!

Now usually when some one goes down the route to obscurity there’s no coming back. Not until they fuck up, rob a liquor store, and wind up in rehab. So it seemed like the next time we herd about Fair Katie would be in some heart breaking but compelling absurd “Where Are they Now” spot on some entertainment TV magazine; in which she’s gotten busted as a drug mule coming up from Mexico, or had fallen on hard times and started making ends meet in the adult film industry. However Katie landed on her feet, instead of on hard times. She also landed on Tom Cruise.

Now there’s no need to exhaustively go over the rumors about their hook up and allegedly love live; except to say on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Kate swore that Tom was the love of her life, and admitted that she couldn’t remember exactly how she met Tom. That may have been the same episode where she revealed that she’s been molested by a friendly dolphin while adventure tripping with Top Gun down under. If I were her sig other I’d hate to think that some dolphin was more memorable than the day we met face to face!

The reason she couldn’t recall when put on the spot might have something to do with the rumors about how they actually met. According to some inside sources, Tom went trolling around for a new missus after things hit the fan with Nicole Kidman. He tried Penelope Cruz for a while, but that didn’t work out. Penny was too Catholic – and he’d been down that road with Nix before. So he held a cattle call.

Word was put out that there was a big audition for some part in the next Cruise movie and every one who wanted to be any one, again or for the very first time. lined up like Cinderella’s sticking out their hooves for the Golden Slipper. Scarlett Johansson claims she’d showed up thinking it was a legit casting call. When she got to the hotel suite she found Scientology pamphlets strewn around everywhere and the room temp up to approaching 100! She got creeped and left. Lucky she didn’t hear those subliminal tapes playing just below the threshold of conscious hearing or she might really have freaked!

So Tom missed out on Scarlet. He missed out on Jessica Alba, and at least one other in his top three. When he got to # 4 he found she was just right, like Goldie Locks. Her name was Katie Holmes. The rest is history, and youtube videos. The good news was that America’s Cutiepie was back in the public etye, and we could go on enjoying her charms.

Since her husband was an A Lister of Mel Gibson caliber (yeah I’m being ironic) it looked like we’d have an opportunity to ogle Katie as much as we liked and in a variety of positions. She’d be doing a whole slew of films, right? Her high powered hubby would see to that. Except that Tom wasn’t seeing to much, outside of image spin and damage control. Seems that the public didn’t buy the whole “I like girls” routine. Note to Tom – it’s more convincing if you cheat on your wife, rather than picking out her clothes; which are truly fabulous since you’ve taken the reigns might I say!

Tom did his best – you can’t disappoint a young wife with stars in her eyes and high expectations. So something got arranged. She did something called Dirty Easy Money with Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah. Now that covered the angles; since Diane Keaton made the project respectable, and Latifah made it relevant. The thing tanked out: Diane was never heard from again, Latifah hosted the Emmy’s, and Katie wound up somewhere in between – still married to Tom. After that the only truly interesting project to come out of their partnership was Starchild Suri Cruise.

Sometimes, when things look their darkest, something comes along. For Katie this came int he form of the History Channels The Kennedys. Though it was a cable TV project it offered Katie the Golden opportunity to play American Icon Jackie Kennedy. Jackie was one of the most stylish Americans ever, and well beloved by the country. So any actress who gets to play her has some of that gold dust rub off. Now you gotta know what Katie was thinking and that would have been something like “If any one can save my ass now it’s Jackie Kennedy!”. So, as Holmes has admitted, she poured her heart and soul in tot he role by “working really hard” at it. After all, the only other icon she’d had a shot at playing was Wonder Woman, and no one was having that. Wonder Woman’s more of a Liv Tyler role for one thing!

Well Katie worked hard with high hopes for the future,a dn eventually the thing got completed. All that was left then was too sit back and wait for a bewildered nation of TV viewers to see her as Jackie Kennedy. If she could get the hair, clothes, hats, and accent down, with out screwing things up too badly, then no one would expect Shakespeare level acting from her. Evey one would be so impressed by seeing her as Jackie that her public image would be reinvented and her career reignited. Or so you would think.

As Katie should have come to expect ever since hitching her wagon to Tom’s star – things are never that straight forward. In fact there was a hitch this time too. This time the hitch was that the whole project got canned. They had the whole thing completed and done – just waiting for someone to line up the feed and send it out on TV, and they still canceled it. So the world would never see Katie as Jackie, except in still from People Magazine. That’s just not the same as seeing her sashay about with a nifty hat and the best Boston accent she can muster – “Jack, I just wanted to want you to stay away from Cliff & Normie, they’re bad influences. No wait, damn it! I knew I shouldn’t have prepared for this by watching old Cheers reruns!

Never that is until now. It seems some of the clips are getting out. So for regular wondertrash readers here’s Katie in the life of Jackie Kennedy!

The Kennedys | Barry Pepper | Greg Kinnear | Katie Holmes | Tom Wilkinson | Movie Trailer | Review

So there it is, and the world finally got a chance to see it. Look on the bright side Katie. maybe this thing could see the light of day, by being released directly to DVD. Just like Lindsay Lohan’s last several projects. Don’t knock it because the industry really does pay attention to those sales figures! So it might not be glamorous, but the money’s honest!


Tom Cruise is in the news

Wondertrash – chewing the fat through thick & thin

It depends what you mean by gay…

The National Enquirer has a provocative cover this week. While the issue contains no definitive proof that Tom Cruise is now or ever has been gay, it does take aim at Sci, based on a new book by defector Amy Scobee. First Scobee tackles the gay rumors, claiming that they were made up by imprisoned Hollywood PI Anthony Pellicano. According to Scobee, Pellicano was in the habit of making up rumors about his celeb clientele and then running to them with offers to fix the problem.

… and by lies!

The new book says that the gay rumors really broke Tom up. He even had to have a heart to heart with Katie Holmes about them. Tom confided his secret anguish to the lady in his life. He told Ms. Cruise that the gay talk was “a pack of lies”. Katie was shocked and had never heard the stories. I had no idea Dawson’s Creek was so far off the beaten path! It must be up in Alaska or something.

High on life, and on auditing

Worse still were the drug rumors. Tom feels that his image was tainted by the stories (though nowadays his image is tainted by much worse). Now the drug rumors are supported in the book. Scobee claims that auditors regularly spill their guts about what goes on in sessions, especially if anything interesting gets dredged up. This goes on to be in church gossip of the Mrs. Rev. Lovejoy variety. According to Scobee she got it from a very high source (David Miscavige’s wife Shelly) that Tom was turned down for Seeorg due to past drug use. Ms Miscavidge goes on to say that pot or coke wouldn’t be enough to disqualify you.

The walls have ears and the spies have eyes

Shelly had even more to say to Scobee. Ms Miscavige at one point confessed that there was a gay sex tape on the loose featuring one of the Church’s most prominent spokespersons. Now that’s not necessarily Tom. John Travolta does a lot of work for Sci, and has been known to enjoy a kiss on the mouth from attractive men, who are often in his employ! Anyway Shelly gets herself all upset and finally exclaims “we had to do something about that man!” Scientology regards homosexuality as a disease, like alcoholism or Tourette’s Syndrome.

may the force be with you

The plot thickens. Scobee goes on to reveal that everyone in Tom Cruise’s household, from the lord chamberlain down to the court jester, is also working for Miscavige as spies. Naturally the staff reports back to Darth Vader, who is their real boss of bosses. As a result Davey Boy knows everything about everything about the Cruise’s.

To boldly go

No question that Tom is a star in the Scientology galaxy. His former auditor Mark Rathbun, has become officially the second highest person in the organization (de jure that is, Tom is de facto). Mark was even assigned the touchy Nicole Kidman situation. Apparently Miscavige was no fan of Nicole and made Rathbun point man on the divorce, to get it done. Well no organized religion is all bad. Rathbun has confirmed this in his own words (as written for him by David Miscavige – we know that no one in Scientology would break wind without his permission): “in 2001 through 2003 Miscavige personally assigned me as Inspector General RTC – the second highest ecclesiastical position in the religion – to coordinate Tom’s divorce from Nicole and to serve as his auditor.”

very interesting

So it seems like Ms. Scobee’s book is gonna be even more interesting than Kitty Kelley’s Oprah bio. Now the book is called Scientology: Abuse at the Top. You might want to keep a look out for it at your local bookstore. Meanwhile here are some more interesting related links:

Anthony Pellicano

Tom Cruise’s lawyer has responded


Charlie does Klinger

Meanwhile it looks like Charlie Sheen has managed to get clear of his drug addicted wife Brooke Mueller, and without the help of David Miscavige! The pair were back and forth following their Christmas Day altercation. An impasse had developed where Charlie wanted Brooke to drop the charges and go away, while Brooke wanted to stay around and help Charlie collect his $20 mill.

Joke’s on Brooke

Sometimes the best way out of a stalemate is not an ultimatum but a good old fashioned game of chicken. Charlie started saying that he was gonna quit 2 1/2 Men cause he no longer gave a damn. Bye bye $20 mill! Then he shaved his head and started walking around in pajama bottoms to show he was crazy enough to mean it. He even posed for paparazzi while holding up his InTouch issue entitled Dumbest Disguise Ever. He was grinning ear to ear.

Do short cuts get you anywhere in the long run?

Brooke probably couldn’t take the embarrassment any more. A genuine sense of humor is always worrying to earnest game players. So much so that it’s often mistaken for insanity. Soulless Morlocks just don’t get humor – their minds are too tactical. Fortunately this got clued up before Chuck started wearing dresses and bed wetting and then talking to TMZ about it.

Reverse spin = no spin? Is spin in the eyes of the beholder?

Now a South Park update. As you’ll recall the producers got themselves into some hot water with another swipe at organized religion. Now FOX News (Is “FOX News” becoming oxymoronic? That’s a step up from moronic I guess) has come to their defense, sort of. FOX has not so much come to their defense, or even the defense of free speech in general, as they have taken the opportunity to make a point about their favorite pet peeve – liberals. It is FOX, so you know what to expect.


Suri Cruise starting pre school brainwashing course

Suri Cruise as a birthday coming up on the 19th of this month and her parents have already picked out a very special gift for her – they’ve enrolled her in special $6000 a year pre school Scientology brainwashing classes. Suri will be signed into Will Smith’s Scientology based New Village Academy only days after her birthday.

Swingin’ on a star
Once classes begin, the Space Princess will be educated in the ways of her people. She will learn such things as the importance of ‘study technology’, and a low carb diet. Hopefully this will prepare her for more advanced classes, like purpose driven telepathy and target oriented visualization, when she comes of age. Eventually she may even learn to pilot her own UFO, but one step at a time. Education begins with a blank slate, so that’s where the intensive junior brain washing comes in.
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